We never thought we'd say this seriously...but won't somebody please think of the children? Haven't we all learned by now that exposing teenagers to public scrutiny is, well, just plain wrong?

· "Sin City Mom" (sincitymom.com)

Into the Sunset

Studio: Sol Y Mar
Director: Axel Braun
Cast: Sunset Thomas, Ron Jeremy, Penny Flame, Brooke Banner, Mia Presley, Lexi Love, Roma, Nick Manning, Mikey Butders, Marco Banderas, Jay Lassiter, Chris Bellis

Review by: Gram Ponante

So often porn stars shoot their final movie without knowing they're doing it, because few achieve the kind of fame Sunset Thomas has. But Thomas, long associated with both VCA Pictures and the Moonlite Bunnyranch, disappears into the sunset as one lucky fan gets to disappear into her.

But the problem is an existential one: If a man does not come on his partner's face and/or tits and/or hair and/or belly and/or ass, has Porn happened?

Sunset Thomas began her porn career in 1991 and retired in 2004 after appearing in more than 300 movies, including "Latex" and "Misty Beethoven." "Into the Sunset" (hard to believe anyone had the restraint to not use that title until now) is a pleasantly staged mockumentary of Thomas' quest for "not a porn guy - the perfect guy" with whom to shoot her final - and she means it this time - movie.

At first the movie plays like a 90's porno, heavy on the voiceovers and phone-sex modulation, the rhinestone glamor, and the evocation of a time when porn stars were fewer and their movies bigger events.

After a signing at Hustler Hollywood on the Sunset Strip in which she lets a starstruck fan squeeze her boobs, a melancholy Thomas is chauffered back to her home by an amiable middle-aged fan, Tony.

"Please make another movie, Miss Thomas," Tony pleads from the driver's seat of the limo. Unfortunately, we never see him again.

Back at home, Thomas reflects on a life well-rode, and can't help but masturbate. I masturbate, too, when I think of my multiple Science Fair victories. But Thomas has an epiphany as she climaxes: she needs to make one more movie.

For some reason she imparts this news to Penny Flame, Mia Presley, and Brooke Banner, who happen to be lounging in her home. "Call Larry Flynt," she commands them. "Let him know about this."

She tells the girls that they will help her find her final film fling, and the second act of the movie consists of Thomas checking in on the girls as they fuck the prospects.

But just as reality television has gobbled up the work of real actors, porn professional Nick Manning is incensed that Thomas is picking her final stud from the hoi polloi. He stalks over to her house but is intercepted by the pardine Brooke Banner, in whom seconds are never sloppy. Still, when Manning drops loads he bellows "Where's Sunset?"

When her fan is chosen (he's the guy from the signing), Ron Jeremy is employed to give him a couple of tips, which include "Forget everybody else in the room."

As the movie progresses, it seems to lose focus and become less special; it loses its quirky quality. This is not helped by the poor fan, who confesses that the job is harder than it looks (and all that implies).

Yes, I watched the final scene twice and I don't think our friend was able to climax. He was left to eat out Thomas while Marco Banderas fucked her.

If you can forget that the very object of the film was not consummated in a pornic sense, "Into the Sunset" is a terrific movie.

So what do we learn from this?

That porn is a real job that shouldn't be entrusted to amateurs. And know what else? This one doesn't have to count as Sunset Thomas' last movie. In fact, it's almost as if Thomas regained her virginity.

· Hustler (hustler.com)
· Buy "Into the Sunset" (hustlerworld.com)

Before Sunset Thomas, pornstars didn't work at the Bunny Ranch. The original contract hopping star burned through companies without a care; and then threw it all away to flat back it for horny truckers, while home viewers remained spellbound watching via Showtime. Despite all she's done, we can't say that we will miss her. Sadly, her best work was recorded years ago when she was with VCA—and since then she's been more of an ambassador for hooking than anything else.

Marsellus Wallace said it best in Pulp Fiction: pornstars are a lot like fighters, thinking that their asses are like a fine wine that will age to perfection over time—when in actuality, they won't. Watching uber pornstar and sexual pioneer Sunset Thomas hang in there over the years has offered us ample proof. True, there are some who say that fans want to see their favorite girls grow into women, as part of the sexual progression, but—with some notable exceptions like Nina Hartley and Kylie Ireland—largely we disagree.

When yesterday's stars come knocking during tough economic times (cough! cough! Tabitha Stevens!), we have to remind them what Jerry McGuire taught us: it ain't "showfriends," it's "show business." (And then we politely text them Tom Byron's home phone number.)

It's not all a loss: Hustler threw in some hotties to keep this thing from becoming a novelty purchase for office parties, including Penny Flame, bitchy Brooke, Lexi, and others. Don't be scared.

"Into The Sunset" releases today from Hustler. So long, Sunset and thanks for your niece!

· Hustler Video (hustlervideo.com)

I do not know why this series is called "Members Only." Does it have to do with the fact that Viv Thomas primarily shoots girl/girl titles and this one has cocks in it? Or does it have something to do with the fact that I just today signed up for another year of AAA and the gang at the Auto Club decided to send me this instead of Westways? Regardless, all I know is that Sylvia Lauren might as well not be wearing those Daisy Dukes at all.

Later, Rita Faltoyano shows up with a tattooed dude in non-standard black socks. Their couch is a massive thing, carved, it seems, out of a single tree. Jesus Christ! That couch is huge. I hope Rita doesn't call me when she moves, because I've just got one of those mini-SUVs.

We haven't seen Faltoyano stateside in a while since she broke up with Tommy Gunn. I hope things are OK over there. Still, seriously, I'm good for a couple of boxes of books but you've got to call somebody else for that couch.

The only dialogue in the movie occurs in Sene Four between Valery Hilton and her partner. We'll call him Anton.

"What do you think, some whiskey?" Anton asks.

"Um No," Hilton responds, and points at his parts. "This." Aside from turning down the alcohol, Hilton's English meets the standards of the L.A. Unified School District.

With her Sunset Thomas haircut, Cindy Dollar becomes one with what appears to be a low pile plush divan. It looks comfortable, but those things are hard to clean.

· Buy "Members Only 5" (vivthomas.com)

Of course, being an adult awards show, there was much more going on everywhere but the stage. Still, we made sure to watch now and then, seeing as how we're voters. See our gallery (now fully captioned!) after the gap.

. . .

· XRCO Awards (xrco.com)

· Vavoom XXX Films: "Into The Sunset" Entry Form (vavoomtv.com/films)
· I Am Sunset Thomas (official site @ sunsetslife.com)
· Sunset Thomas @ MySpace (myspace.com)

· Vavoom Pictures (vavoomtv.com)
· Sunset Thomas (sunsetslife.com)
· Hustler (hustlerworld.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Porn Valley Archive