Loona Luxx, Kyra Black, Jasmin, Milka Manson, Pamela Ann, Antynia La Rouge, and Cherry Jul take on the "cruel cock mafia," then moisturize their insides thoroughly with piping hot protein injections directly deposited into their freshly fucked orifices. So, in that regard, it's kinda a love story... right? Hey, we've been told that's how it's done in Europe, where they make this series. Who are we to question their take on erotica or romance? If it's all the same to you, we'd prefer to avoid another international incident—at least until the President-Elect is sworn in.

Cultural confusion aside, "All Internal 9" is a splendid way to waste away a cold January afternoon—as opposed to, say, toiling thanklessly in a cubicle or updating your resume and heading to the unemployment office. Sometimes you just need a full day (and night) of extremely well-crafted European pornography to get your mind right—that's been our experience anyway.

"All Internal 9" is flying off shelves today, so get your copy today and give 2009 the welcome it deserves.

· Jules Jordan Video (julesjordanvideo.com)

Unfortunately, the FILF theme doesn't extend much beyond the title cards. Yes, there are scenes full of older men and younger women: but this is porn, and that's rather par for the course. In the feature's five scenes, there is no mention of taking the kids to Little League, no scenes of suburban dads driving home in minivans, no essence of fatherliness, period. Instead we're presented with a prisoner and a prison guard, a patient and his doctor, a vacuum salesman and his client—it's nice and all, but when we're promised fathers, fathers are what we want to see.

· Buy "FILF" (gamelink.com)