All the stranger, then, to call such an opus "Sticky Knickers."

What drives these single-named Eurohotties to this warehouse where they encounter men on a lingerie-coordinated couch that changes upholstery between scenes? It is fair to say that only they know. Still, it must have freed up some money for a dialogue coach.

Each scene begins with some masturbation (for you, anyway) set to house music. Then our heroine is joined by one or two Eurofellers.

Why does the guy on the right look like a character from "Dick Tracy" if a lot of the camera angles suggest "Batman"? As Priva might say, "It is a puzzlement."

The final scene featured two zesty, tasty women who nevertheless consernted to be filmed (and their scene to be edited) by a crazy person. The camera did not linger long on any body part for long, and I wanted it to. Compared to the rest of the movie, it seemed as if the day crew left and the night crew arrived bearing only a lime couch tarp and some meth. Sad, because I wanted to eat these women for breakfast and elevenses.

Just so you know, no one's knickers got particularly sticky; they came off pretty fast, and probably dried by the time the scene was over.

· Daring Media (daringsex.com)
· Buy "Sticky Knickers" (gamelink.com)

* * * * *

Previously: The Couches of Europe

Yes, we are writing about "Members Only 6" because the performer Eleanor looks surprisingly like a blonde Karen Black and, apropos of Ms. Black's performance in "Capricorn One," we are equating the faked moon landing therein with the cocklessness of a movie boasting only members. There.

The above insert of Black, by the way, is from the 1982 film "Miss Right."

· Buy "Members Only 6" (vivthomas.com)

I do not know why this series is called "Members Only." Does it have to do with the fact that Viv Thomas primarily shoots girl/girl titles and this one has cocks in it? Or does it have something to do with the fact that I just today signed up for another year of AAA and the gang at the Auto Club decided to send me this instead of Westways? Regardless, all I know is that Sylvia Lauren might as well not be wearing those Daisy Dukes at all.

Later, Rita Faltoyano shows up with a tattooed dude in non-standard black socks. Their couch is a massive thing, carved, it seems, out of a single tree. Jesus Christ! That couch is huge. I hope Rita doesn't call me when she moves, because I've just got one of those mini-SUVs.

We haven't seen Faltoyano stateside in a while since she broke up with Tommy Gunn. I hope things are OK over there. Still, seriously, I'm good for a couple of boxes of books but you've got to call somebody else for that couch.

The only dialogue in the movie occurs in Sene Four between Valery Hilton and her partner. We'll call him Anton.

"What do you think, some whiskey?" Anton asks.

"Um No," Hilton responds, and points at his parts. "This." Aside from turning down the alcohol, Hilton's English meets the standards of the L.A. Unified School District.

With her Sunset Thomas haircut, Cindy Dollar becomes one with what appears to be a low pile plush divan. It looks comfortable, but those things are hard to clean.

· Buy "Members Only 5" (vivthomas.com)