Enter the Hiney Can. Literally. From either end!.

This ingenious product features a "Fanta Flesh" vagina on one end and an anus on the other, stuffed into a tube that resembles a Heineken can. Until now, I don't think a mere marital aid has ever trumped the experience of making the sex with a real human, but you have to admit that the Hiney Can eliminates the middle woman, until the expression "too drunk to fuck" loses all meaning and disappears up itself; you are fucking Drunk Incarnate.

Get me a fuckable Jagermeister bottle and Heidi Fleiss a fuckable meth lab and we are never leaving Nevada again.

· Hiney Can (tengashop.com)

Other than that, well, the Enspiral Vibrating Love Glove was a disappointment.

What you're supposed to do is insert your (erect? not erect? it didn't say) self into the glove, pump the attached blood pressure-style inflation ball, and oscillate the vibration control up and down.

Not a fan of employing a device that would add steps to a familiar process, I still gamely thought, "Hey: Leatherface," found two AA batteries from that useless HD-DVD player remote, and slipped some of me into the glove.

I quickly realized I had one fewer hand than necessary to pump, oscillate, and keep the contraption from falling off.

I noticed, too, that the glove was kind of small. Does it roll down further? I wondered.

Nope, it falls off and you have to reattach it to the base.

And what about the pump? The air tube comes in two parts and constantly detached. When it was held in place with a fourth hand, it failed to pump.

Trying to use this thing was more frustrating, I'd think, than the reason one would seek to use this thing. Maybe that's the idea? To help lonely men feel better about their loneliness? I don't know how single people do it.

· Doc Johnson (docjohnson.com)