Ava Rose and girlfriends go on a birthday adventure to Raven Castle, whispered to have been the home of a legendary vampiress. In flashbacks, we see dark, lush beauty Audrey Bitoni working her evil. Back in the present day, however, the party girls are having visions and finding clues hinting at the castle's bloodthirsty former inhabitants.

The reason "Vampiress" is worth watching is because the sex is candlelit and bodice-rippy, performed by dusky hippy beauties like Rose, Bitoni, Gianna Lynn, Raveness, and Amber Rayne (with the blonde Alexis Texas thrown in as a ringer).

But it is almost Eon McKai-level bad with mind-numbing dialogue and cougar vampire Raveness (from 1472, no less), bouncing between bad period dialogue and lines like "Work that fuckin' pussy, baby." The nail in the coffin is when we get to hear director Marcus London's stage directions ("Ava, turn your head this way"). In a way, "Vampiress" is comforting in that porn can still look the way people who've never seen porn think it does, based on everything they've heard.

Sadly, I did not see the boom mic.

I have had this movie on my To Do list since last year's Halloween Week collection, and am surprised it is still available for purchase. Like a vampiress, "Vampiress" should only be seen at night.

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Much of the story line, which features Stormy playing the pretty, dedicated, hard-working fiancee of Randy Spears, running his adult website, then getting dumped for Alektra, a hot young model, will prolly be lost on the viewer. That's because the storyline is so seamless that it doesn't stretch our suspension of disbelief at all. It's also because a great number of viewers will simply be incapable of focusing on the story line once they see these two incredible beauties getting naked and fucking.

We know that last sentence is more than James Lipton can bear, or the director herself (sweet succulent Stormy) wants to hear—but can't deny. Sorry, angel face, but you're irresistibly hot. Deal with it.

Jenaveve Jolie and Trina Michaels also join the cast, turning in fantastic performances that will leave you drooling. God, it's good to see Jenaveve again. Marcus London is the lucky stiff who gets to nail this exquisitely exotic beauty. We're plenty jealous, Marcus, but ultimately grateful that you gave her the kind of stuffing we believe her sexy pink gash deserves.

"Reinvented" releases this week from Wicked Pictures. Check out our exclusive gallery below.

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Studio: Wicked
Director: Brad Armstrong
Cast: Alektra Blue, Randy Spears, jessica drake, Kaylani Lei, Mikayla Mendez, Kirsten Price, Marcus London, Brad Armstrong, Jayden Jaymes, Kayla Carrera, Barrett Blade, Tommy Gunn, Eric Masterson, Alexis Texas, Rocco Reed, Tory Lane, Janet Mason, Mick Blue, Jerry, TJ Cummings, Bill Bailey

Review by: Gram Ponante

The screenwriter goes uncredited, but the story of "2040" has bits of everything from "Pinocchio" to "The Velveteen Rabbit" to "Blade Runner": Love something enough and it can become human.

We meet Ryan Spears (Randy Spears), who is a porn performer, just like his dad, the porn actor Randy Spears. Ryan's job is similar to his father's, but he must perform it clandestinely because of (as the voiceover tells us) the porn tax of 2015, the porn police, and because porn companies are now "corporate entities traded on the open market."

(Like in the original "Blade Runner," we can do without the voiceover.)

Not only that, but Spears must also fuck robots.

Spears and company deliver a lot of inside references and product placement to the benefit of the Real Doll company, Wicked Pictures, and AVN, whose 55th annual awards show is presented complete with bad band and fucking in the bathrooms.

The first scene, as carried off by Spears and the faulty robot Alexis Texas, is very funny and more than reminiscent of certain porn sets I've attended.

The Alexis Texas robot blows a fuse, you see, and the crew and Spears have to wrestle her to a squatting position so that Spears can aim a load into her R.O.C., or removable oral cavity. The sight of Texas kneeling there, mouth open, eyes glazed over, and bolt-ons perpendicular, is both chilling and familiar (Texas is acting, of course, like she just came off a Max Hardcore shoot).

With the Texas "doll" or "mecha" out of commission, the production enlists a robot that looks just like Alektra Blue. Her name is Mira.

But Spears is dismissive.

"She's a toaster," says Spears. "You fuck one mecha, you've fucked them all. And they all taste like toast."

But Mira is not your ordinary frakking Cylon. She sweats! Her skin reddens with whipping! And her vagina is adjustable!

Spears is amazed. Could he be falling for a toaster? And, since he is Mira's "first," she imprints his data in her "memory banks."

What follows is a lot of exposition, some corporate intrigue and skulduggery, sex for no reason (but we're happy it happened, don't get us wrong), the conspicuous absence of Stormy Daniels and, sprinkled throughout, some poignant moments in which Mira comes to terms with her blossoming personhood.

The problem with "2040" is that, in trying to be Wicked's epic for the year, a movie that would have worked better small became instead top-heavy. There were plotlines and actors who didn't need to be there, like a community theatre production in which everyone who auditioned got a part. At the heart of the bloat that is "2040" is a really good porn movie that no one believed in enough to let stand on its own.

That said, the people the movie is about, Spears and Blue, are fantastic. While he can ham it up with the best of today's porn dudes, Spears also has a gravitas that no one in the porn world can touch. And Alektra Blue does great work as a living doll; I wish she'd been allowed to do more. (If RealDoll.com has an Alektra Blue model, I bet it's awesome.)

"2040" has a happy ending and I bet you can guess what it is. There is an uplifting message for couples that almost sounds like Stay Monogamous. (The underlying message, though, is that Mira has the intellect of a child but a vagina like a 320-hp engine, therefore it's easy to stay monogamous...the outlook is dire for human women.)

People must be buying these feel-good, trying-too-hard slogs, because Wicked keeps making them.

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Who doesn't love a parade, so long as they don't have to clean up afterward? Unlike the disturbing lyrical imagery of Jim Morrison's "Soft Parade,"the engines that effortlessly hum in this "Hard Parade" are engines of lust.

Consumers of commercial pornography want the same things as ordinary people everywhere. In a dying economy that, coupled with free internet porn, was totally killing the industry we know and love so well, they overwhelming reacted to corny spoofs of their favorite television shows and movies. They just wanted a little fanfare, to embrace the familiar and known, coupled with a soft and friendly place to satisfy their urges. So Hustler gave it to them. Then others copied their success. And now, like Hindus and Muslims in India, it's on like mofo donkey kong bitches!!! The war for porn spoof supremacy has officially been cranked up a notch.

Hot on the heels of their blockbuster chart topping "Star Trek" spoof, they go and drop an ode to Gordon Ramsay's hit cooking reality show "Hell's Kitchen," starring Marcus London as the iconic mercurial TV chef who weaves a tapestry of obscenities with the same superfluous ease with which he makes a souffle. Lording over a cast of supreme hotties that include luscious young Kagney Linn Karter, Missy Stone, Aiden Starr, Veronica Rayne, Callie Dee, and Kylee Reese, London singles out smoking hot "it" girl of the moment Kagney Linn Karter to marinate his sausage up inside. Her tiny lubricious mouth and pussy help Marcus churn up a fresh batch of piping hot fuck butter that he sprays all over her face.

Other noteworthy performances include the ridiculously hot little sex machine Aiden Starr. Is there anyone she can't fuck? We heart you, Aiden. So very very much.

"This Ain't Hells Kitchen XXX" is set to release by the end of this month but we wanna show you this exclusive sneak peek now. It ain't tricking if you got it. Now check the set...and break on through to the other side.

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House of Wicked

Studio: Wicked
Director: Brad Armstrong
Cast: jessica drake, Stormy Daniels, Alektra Blue, Mikayla Mendez, Kirsten Price, Kaylani Lei, Johnny Castle, Tommy Gunn, Barrett Blade, Marcus London, Danny Mountain, Derrick Pierce, Rocco Reed, Kris Slater, Alan Stafford, Deep Threat, Brad Armstrong

Review by: Gram Ponante

What's more, each of the vignettes features the performer in what we are led to assume is her own element - therefore no naughty nurses, babysitters, cheerleaders, or - God forbid - pirates. Instead director Brad Armstrong puts Wicked's moneymakers in a much more European setting befitting the company's porn chicks with gravitas image (except for Stormy; the darkest Wiucked performer of them all here plays a cowgirl. Go figure).

"House of Wicked" is known in porn parlance as a high-end gonzo, or wall-to-wall. That means the movie is all sex with limited setup and no dialogue. But that doesn't mean we don't get to know the stars' personalities.

Kirsten Price, for example, is a saucy student. She takes on a couple of dudes in what appears to be the classroom of her Rhodes fellowship. Then jessica drake has a foursome in a fetish den, Kaylani Lei plays to type (she takes one for the team here) as a tough Asian with a taste for motorcyclists, Alektra Blue plays a skatepunk girl, and then Mikayla Mendez shows up as a club vixen.

In each of these scenes there is no angle from which each precious Wicked performer looks less than stunning. In fact, the whole movie seems branded with Wicked iconography. Furthermore, if anyone is made to look a little like a prop in this movie it is the guys, who outnumber their female counterparts by almost two to one, and whose costumes look less believable (Tommy Gunn and Barrett Blade as sk8r dudes with sideways hats, etc., seems a little Chippendales to me).

Which makes me think that "House of Wicked" is a fantastic couples' movie. Each of the women is far more mature and glamorous than bubbleheaded and accessible, each appears to have the reins tightly in hand of who gets to take a poke at her, and that it is the girls who have the pick of the eye candy should make female fans reluctantly agree that there is twice as much for them to gawk at than their boyfriends.

The final scene features every woman (but Stormy, who was probably campaigning) in a civilized and elegant Sapphic hoedown, proving that, at the end of the day, they just wanted to be together.

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First of all, Nina Hartley is fucking adorable. She's smart, charming and genuinely cares whether you (that's right, you who are reading this right now) have amazing sex. While you're watching the first scene in which married couple Devon and Marcus have a threesome with Nina — talking, explaining and laughing all the while — you wish that you could have her around every time you wanted to fuck your lover, to give you words of encouragement, a vibrator and a bit of oral stimulation. And wouldn't you know it, after a number of very real orgasms on Devon's part, all three achieved the heretofore fabled simultaneous "O".

Nina's co-host, Kayden Kross, is unbelievably sexy and well-spoken — cooing that she has no problem with simultaneous orgasms because she's pretty much having orgasms all the time. (Lucky bitch beautiful multi-orgasmic woman.) The scene with her and Erik Everhard is panty-soaking. (Maybe you don't wear panties, but you get the picture.) The chemistry between the two is perfect, and Kayden is pretty much cumming the entire time. If these two looked any more enthusiastic and turned-on — well, I don't think they possibly could, so there you go. And they too come at the same time, and it's fucking hot. Sweet jesus christ.

In conclusion, if you are looking to learn intelligently explained techniques to employ with your lover to enhance your sex life, you need this DVD. If you are looking to jack off to a hot porn with stars who are genuinely enjoying themselves, you need this DVD. And if you are one of the Doubting Thomases who need to see the simultaneous "O" to believe it, you definitely need this DVD. It's even better than a unicorn, we swear.

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College student Tori Black sells raffle tickets for her basketball team to couple Marcus and Devinn. With the lengthy setup we know that healthy, All-American Tori will end up selling just a little more to the ravening oldsters but, in porn terms, when we know that everything has already been signed for and payment arrangements agreed upon, this extended dialogue scene is almost a seduction in itself. After all, rarely do porn performers spend too much time on camera together not fucking.

Later, perennial favorites (if I were Yakov Smirnov, I might call them "perineal favorites" ha ha ha!) Ethan Cage and Lexi Lamour - an actual couple - approach delicious Tatiana Kush at a park on the premise of scouting locations for a movie. They get her home pretty quickly. Frankly, I would believe anything Lexi Lamour ever said.

"Here's a new experience you can have," she tells Kush, the aspiring actress. I think Kush and Amber Peach should wrestle.

Later, they pull the same scam on Nicki Flame, this time appealing to her love of horticulture. Then: Marie McCray (something about dogs).

If an alien (from Space, not Yakov Smirnov) were to view just one porn movie, and if that movie were "Couples Seduce Teens 10," he could be forgiven for assuming that Porn Valley is full of couples on the prowl for easily-convinced teen flesh. Let's hope that life imitates art in my neighborhood.

. . .

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