Seinfeld: A XXX Parody

Studio: New Sensations
Director: Lee Roy Myers
Cast: James Deen, Ashlynn Brooke, Sadie West, Evan Stone, Sasha Grey, Cassandra Calogera, Kristina Rose, Natalie Norton, London Keys, Eric John, Tony DeSergio

Review by: Gram Ponante

"Seinfeld: A XXX Parody" is the long-anticipated, much-dreaded New Sensations product that seemed to signal the barrelbottom-scraping of the porn parody trend, in which a show with only one vaguely pornable main character out of several non-starters is upended and tweaked for maximum adult entertainment.

What gave "Seinfeld XXX" the greenlight over, say, an equally unlikely pornic adaptation of "Rhoda" was that some of the cast members were born during the run of the original.

For fans of Jerry Seinfeld's nine-season show, there is plenty about the parody to vaguely nod about; the costumes and set are similar, the familiar bass riffs are there, and director Lee Roy Myers even takes a shot at recreating camera angles.

But is it funny? I seem to remember the original show was funny.

Sadly, though it tries really hard, "Seinfeld: A XXX Parody" is not funny.

(People say the same thing about me, what with my Ratt references that are introduced and never repeated. Just watch.)

"So what's the deal with the '-ography' on the end of 'pornography'?" asks Gary (James Deen—for some reason producers chose to slightly change each character's first name) in a wraparound standup segment. "It means 'to study something,' right?"

Gary then riffs, Jerry Seinfeld-like, on pornography vs. dickography. Deen has the inflection down and Myers has the lighting down, and there is a laugh track that you want to punch in the face, but neither is the segment funny nor does "-ography" mean "to study something." That's "-ology."

Ditto the ballpark re-creations of Kramer ("Crammer"), the Soup Nazi (Evan Stone as the Porn Nazi), and George ("Gorge"); each is a good try but there is nothing in those performances or the writing that justifies a movie.

Kristina Rose as "Elaina" is the exception. She channels Julia Louis-Dreyfus admirably, and she is the gateway to all that is wonderful about "Seinfeld XXX."

Because Rose's two scenes and those of Ashlynn Brooke, Sasha Grey, Sadie West, London Keys, and Cassandra Calogera stand out; it is the one area in the movie where the contrivances are welcome (Calogera interrupts Gary onstage, the only example in recorded history of a good heckler). And that is a huge relief, because it's a porn movie.

What saves "Seinfeld: A XXX Parody" (you have to read the XXX as "triple X" rather than "ecks ecks ecks" to make that A work) is that the sex scenes are really good, which means the movie's priorities are in order.

But do parody producers think the audience deserves the tension involved in a series of unfavorable comparisons with the source material just for the releasing capabilities of a Kristina Rose and Ashlynn Brooke in sex scenes that could have been in any other movie?

I guess so, because I really wanted the sex scenes to be good, and the tit pops and cum shots were more important to me than the punchlines and rim shots.

You're out of the cellar for this round, New Sensations; just don't remake "Maude."

Kristina Rose and James Deen
"Seinfeld: A XXX Parody" (seinfeldxxx.com)
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Steve Pomerantz
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Eric John
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Kristina Rose
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Eric John, Steve Pomerantz, Kristina Rose, and James Deen
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James Deen
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J. Walker
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Natalie Norton
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Evan Stone
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London Keys
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Kristina Rose and London Keys
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Ashlynn Brooke
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Ashlynn Brooke and Evan Stone
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Sadie West
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Sasha Grey
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Sadie West, Sasha Grey, and Eric John
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Cassandra Calogera
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James Deen
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Cassandra Calogera and James Deen
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Natalie Norton and Tony DeSergio
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Since then, we've kept an eager eye out for any porn featuring her.

Lucky for us, then, that New Sensations has put her at the top of the list, and on the front of the box, for their latest stereotype-enabling, all Asian sextravaganza "I Love Asians 10"—which also showcases such dolls as Leili Koshi, Shai Lee, Mya Luanna, Yumi, Katsuni, Keeani Lei, Kaiya Lynn, Tia Tanaka, Kayme Kai, Tomo Paradise, Lana Violet, and London Keys.

What can we say about this exquisite garden of yellow skinned delight? Only a true asiaphile can understand what it means to really catch yellow fever, the sweetest life long affliction, and have it change everything that you love forever and ever. If we have to stop and explain to you why it's just too easy to fall in love when we see their silky skin, jet black straight hair, tiny smiles, lithe bodies, brown nipples, and steaming hot gashes, chances are you've missed the point altogether. That's okay though—it just leaves more for us to love.

"I Love Asians 10" drops this week from New Sensations. Praise Buddha!

· Buy "I Love Asians 10" (gamelink.com)
· New Sensations (newsensations.com)

. . .

While it's true that more than half of the population is someone's daughter and, unless she was born in a test tube, each of the five women in "Daughter I'd Like To Fuck" is a daughter of somebody, what concerns us is that in only one scene is a woman referred to as a daughter and the scene performed with that motivation in mind. Shame!

For three of the first four scenes, the movie might as well have been called "Friend of My Own Teenager I'd Like to Fuck." And that is enough of a bait and switch, but then Mr. Pete labels teen seductress Jessica Steele as "my daughter's nanny."

Don't get me wrong; if this movie were shipped with no title and I was instructed to sit down and watch it with a friendly "It's porn —you'll like it!^TM," well, you're damn right I would. That London Keys is like a brunette trampoline that can also text you.

It is only the final scene, when minx Dani Jensen hits on Michael Stefano, her dad's friend and mechanic, that we see the full complexity of a true DILF experience, which combines elements of betrayal, cradle-robber guilt, and the thrill of mentoring someone whose 19-year-old boyfriend is really into Jason Mraz.

"I really need to get back to working on the car," says a tortured Stefano, inching ever closer.

"Why don't you get to working on me?" Jensen says.

· New Sensations (newsensations.com)
· Buy "Daughter I'd Like To Fuck" (gamelink.com)

Director Mike John, who once brought worship back into porn with his "Praise the Load" series, has devoted much of his time and work to addressing these larger issues in society. Time and again John has shown selfless devotion to the greater good, jumping in with both feet where angels fear to tread. And once again, John finds himself at the forefront of one of society's most pressing concerns, compassionately spearheading the charge to help boob junkies finally get the help they so desperately need. That's why he created the Boobaholics Anonymous series - to help.

In his fourth and most inspiring installment to date, John brings in some titanic tit assistance from scrumptious angels Riley Evans, Whitney Stevens, Charley Chase, Cassandra Calogera, Erika Vution, and London Keys. Rates of recidivism may not leave us much room for hope for the boobaholics, but working together we can help expose this insidious illness and bring some much needed relief to those in need.

· "Boobaholics Anonymous 4" (julesjordanvideo.com)