Krossing the Bar

Studio: Adam & Eve
Director: Jim Malibu
Cast: Kayden Kross, India Summer, Marie Luv, Sochee Mala, Alexis Texas, Eric Swiss, Rocco Reed, Tommy Gunn, Johnny Sins

When you hear the squealing "L.A. Law"-like guitar intro music, you automatically get in the mood for serious, business suit booty bumping, and "Krossing the Bar" does not disappoint. All the gents wear ties and all the ladies sport garter belts; dress code success.

Kayden's promotion to junior partner of her firm gets everybody all riled up. Her assistant, India Summer, celebrates by fucking Eric Swiss in the lobby of the building. Summer slobbers over Swiss' balls like she was cleaning them up for a court date, and she takes him into her ass with an explosive energy that sets the pace for the flick. Just after Swiss pops on her ass, a cop walks by and arrests them both.

Meanwhile, Rocco Reed is running over some case files with Ms. Kross in her office. Of course, by "some case files" we mean "Kayden's pussy", and by "running over" we mean "deeply tonguing." Legalese aside, Kross and Reed give the soundproof walls a good rattling (you know, for client confidentiality) before they face the task of busting India out of jail.

As Kayden exchanges some terse words with District Attorney Johnny Sins, a pair of paralegals flee to the bathroom for an Ally McBeal style toilet tryst. Sochee Mala strips Marie Luv down to her garter belt (every girl needs one!), bends her over the sink, and habeas her corpus all over the floor. It's honestly one of the most passionate lesbian scenes we've witnessed in a long while.

Back to business: Alexis Texas approaches the chambers of the Honorable Judge Tommy Gunn for some private counsel. Since he's presiding over India's case, Alexis wants to show him public sex is A) victimless, and B) fucking awesome. Tommy knows exactly where to bang his gavel to send Alexis over the edge; honestly, you could throw these two into any movie and make it instantly better.

Naturally, Kayden wins her case, but she doesn't feel the need to gloat about it. She even gives the DA a pity fuck pro bono publico! Kayden shows that being a lawyer is all about attention to detail, proving it with tender-yet-rapid flicking of Johnny's frenulum (a sight we need more of in porn). She also proves that anytime you fuck Kayden Kross, you're fucking Kayden Kross in public; she's a screamer.

Not only does "Krossing the Bar" provide a delightful class of white-collar cumshots, but the two-disc set comes with an extra called "Kayden's First Squirt". It's behind the scenes footage (supposedly, it's often hard to tell what's real in porn) of Kayden Kross stumbling across the surprise birthday party that is her first squirt; her reaction is simultaneously hilarious, hot, and endearing. Even though it's only a minute long, it's worth watching over and over. You don't need to ask the jury, we're 100% guilty of loving this movie.

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So, technically, this is a threesome. It may not seem like it, but trust us. Plus, Kayden Kross and Erik Everhard fuck with the brute strength of a hundred people each, so this is really like some kind of fantastic orgy. Good math, right?

· Watch "Double Krossed" right now! (hotmovies.com)
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* * * * *

Previously: Fleshbot Babes Archive

"The media is like the weather, only it's man-made weather." Mickey Knox, Natural Born Killers

It seems like only yesterday that professional super golfer Tiger Woods was on top of the world. Then came the fall. The rest is, as they say, tabloid history. Even as we write this, the number of alleged mistresses continues climb more rapidly than an early stage venereal infection racing towards seroconversion. Mirroring this rapid growth phase like a tiny microcosm are the number of porn parody spin off's, a walking zombie apocalypse of poorly constructed parody essentially holy unbirthed by the toxicity of the media event. The fact that two of the accusing mistresses are actually porn (escort) stars means that this twisted fairy tale was guaranteed to devolve into a living breathing simulacrum of Baudrillardian proportions no matter what happened—a sexual carnival colliding into demented Disneyland for adults.

Out of this mess, one parody dared to rise above the rest, labeling themselves the official Tiger Woods porn parody and claiming the controversy from day one. That movie was "Tyler's Wood" from Adam & Eve. Directed by the ubiquitous David Lord, the parody de jour was the final contract movie for blonde sex goddess Kayden Kross before moving over to Digital Playground. Shot at the outset of the uproar, when news reports were adding details hour by hour, making the script an evolving work in progress, production did not wrap until the wee hours of Christmas Eve.

But can something born out of hype, wrapped in hyperbole, and spoon fed to the masses ever live up to its reputation? We'd like to think it just might, but in the end only you can decide. Which is why we're going to refrain from too much commentary, leaving these exclusive pictures that only Fleshbot has to speak for themselves. We will, however, leave you with the scene order, so that you can work out who did what to whom.

"Tyler's Wood" stars Kayden Kross fucking Evan Stone, as well as Diana Doll. It also has Tyler Knight having a magnificent threeway with Andi Anderson and Richelle Ryan before making sweet, dirty, orgasm inducing love to Natasha Nice. It is available now via the interwebs and VOD and will be out on DVD before you know it. Let us know what you think.

· Buy "Tyler's Wood" (adameve.com)

Tyler Knight and Natasha Nice
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Tyler Knight, Andi Anderson, and Richelle Ryan
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Tyler Knight, Andi Anderson, and Richelle Ryan
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Tyler Knight, Andi Anderson, and Richelle Ryan
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Tyler Knight, Andi Anderson, and Richelle Ryan
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Tyler Knight, Andi Anderson, and Richelle Ryan
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Tyler Knight and Natasha Nice
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Tyler Knight and Capri Cavelli
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Tyler Knight and Capri Cavelli
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Tyler Knight and Capri Cavelli
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Tyler Knight and Capri Cavelli
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Tyler Knight and Capri Cavelli
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Tyler Knight and Capri Cavelli
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Tyler Knight, Andi Anderson, and Richelle Ryan
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Kayden Kross and Diana Doll
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Kayden Kross and Diana Doll
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Kayden Kross and Diana Doll
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Kayden Kross and Diana Doll
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Kayden Kross and Evan Stone
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Kayden Kross and Evan Stone
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This is exactly like that Babysitter's Club Super Special where Mallory dyed her hair blond...except, you know, with more pussy.

· Landing Strip Blues (xcritic.com)

In the video: Madison Young, Eva Angelina, Faye Reagan, Kayden Kross, Sasha Grey (pardon the voice, she was sick!), Nina Hartley, Teagan Presley, Alexis Ford, Bobbi Starr, Asa Akira, April Flores, Courtney Trouble, Joanna Angel, and Amber Rayne. We noticed a few mutual crushes out there...let's hope 2010 aligns a few stars for some of these performers!

Kross, who has held more contracts with studios (Hustler, Vivid, Adam & Eve, and DP) than any other current porn star, said there is always a pecking order among the ladies.

"I just don't know what the hierarchy is yet," she said. "I've met Jesse Jane before, and everyone else seems sweet and nice, too."

"Did you have pillowfights?" I begged. "Do each other's hair? Play records?"

"No."

Whether in a ball gown or just sitting around for her 200th interview that day, Kross always gives off a healthy glow. Doubtless it derives from the fabled Island of Contract Girls, on which Kross owns a loft.

· Digital Playground (digitalplayground.com)
· Kayden Kross (clubkayden.com)

Below is a highly subjective list that I hope you will enjoy and discuss.

I watched about 500 porn movies this year, which amounts to almost a month of women slapping their own asses, penises entering the frame, and cumshots missing the face, skipping across the eyelash, and vanishing into Eternity.

While I watched, I typed, talked on speakerphone, ate lunch, paid bills, fretted about the economic collapse of the porn industry, took notes, Googled "irrumatio" and "Snake Pliskin," and didn't masturbate once. Full disclosure: the one time I had sex with another person whilst watching a porn was unspectacular.

So even though I am beloved of you, I'm afraid I'm not like you. But not because of the above reasons: I am not like you because I get this stuff for free and so I must grasp at each title's significance beyond those really significant three minute spurts.

(And I'm not complaining - I could still be doing the job I had at 15, incinerating amputated body parts at a hospital.)

Almost every movie I've received this year (save for the tranny titles and "The Lingerie Salesman's Worst Nightmare") would have been the type of thing that friends of mine from high school would have kept for years, memorized, and replayed countless times. Because, in a very real way, all porn is good.

But the following titles were better.

1. "The Sex Files: A Dark XXX Parody." With its excellent production team headed by Lee Roy Myers, a fanboy script and thoughtful direction by Sam Hain, a Red One camera and a lot of cash, and nuanced performances by Kimberly Kane (Best Actress) and Anthony Rosano, "The Sex Files" not only raised the bar for all porn parodies but it also snagged the elusive "sex as a believable part of the story" prize.

Written like a sexed-up spec script of "The X Files," its umpteenth porn parody captured the look of the original as well as credibly tapped the mood of the show just as Mulder tapped Scully's ass in the year's Most Grateful Sex Scene.

Throat: A Cautionary Tale." Vivid director Paul Thomas not only made the best celebrity crossover movie with "Faithless" and former Miss America Kelli McCarty as a desperately unhinged and unabashedly sexy MILF, but he allowed Sasha Grey to make the most of her Sasha Grayness in the dark reworking of "Deep Throat."

Both movies took lots of risks and didn't skimp on what "Big Lebowski" pornographer Jackie Treehorn called feelings. Kudos to Stephen St. Croix and McCarty for the Angriest Sex Scene of 2009. Also: Steven St. Croix - Best Actor.

3. "Big Wet Asses 15" wins Gonzo of the Year for its sheer exuberance and its ability to make me want to pull a reverse "Ringu," crawl through the screen, and fuck the shit right back into all those asses.

William H., who is a pornic genius, balances adult fantasy with just the right amount of casting reality to capture the innate sexiness of Gianna Michaels, Ava Rose, and Kimberly Kane, among many others.

4. "Not Married with Children XXX." Porn is about numbers, and it's the rare company or director who can knock one out of the park each time. I can't help but think that the independently wealthy Paul Thomas of Vivid is doubly lucky in that he gets to make a couple of good movies a year rather than fight the uphill battle of spraying product every few weeks.

So the porn parody machine that is All Media Play, headed by Jeff Mullen (Will Ryder) and Scott David, doesn't have the luxury of firing on all cylinders each time (see "Flight Attendants"), but with "MWC," they parodied a show that was porny and lowbrow enough already so that what Eric Swiss (Best Actor - Comedy) as Al and Kagney Linn Karter as Kelly brought to their characters was pure entertainment. That is why "Not Married with Children XXX" is my choice from a very crowded field for Best Porn Parody.

5. "Insatiable" and "The Devil in Miss Jones" share the Best Reissue award. "Insatiable" distributor Dynasty Group has lovingly restored the original and tracked down a lot of extra footage, including interviews with the late Marilyn Chambers and coverage of the movie's 1980 Pussycat Theatre premiere.

But "The Devil in Miss Jones," reissued by VCX, was the real revelation. While the sex was ho-hum, the movie unspooled like a morality play, with the final scene (featuring Georgina Spelvin and director Gerard Damiano) genuinely stark and chilling. This movie reveals porn's counter culture roots.

6. "Pure." The late director David Aaron Clark (Best Director) updated the already pornographic 1976 film "In the Realm of the Senses" and set the tale of romantic obsession in Los Angeles. DAC included little that was not necessary, so the title was doubly apt. He also filmed much of the movie near his home in downtown L.A., which was a welcome change from the standard Porn Valey backdrop. Stars Keni Styles and the beautiful Asa Akira brought an urbanity and sense of decorum and restraint to the movie (some of which took place in a BDSM dungeon, so the restraint was appropriate) which nevertheless, like "Faithless," didn't pull punches.

7. "The Crash Pad" wins Best Series because it remains high concept (a San Francisco apartment is used for sexual liaisons and is kept under surveillance by a dispassionate voyeur) and evergreen; there is no end in sight to the way the Bay Area's gender-groovy will concoct to get in each others' pants or what-have-you.

Director Shine Louise Houston continues to present these exchanges both efficiently and sweatily, making "The Crash Pad" a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to be its linen service.

8. Speaking of liberal San Francisco, Private/Kink.com's "A Real Swingers' Orgy" and Good Vibrations' "Seven Minutes in Heaven" share the prize for Most Gleeful Porn of 2009, as Kink.com's Peter Acworth races around the city putting the finishing touches on a planned orgy at his massive Armory building and, on the other side of the rental market, a bunch of women try each other on for size in an apartment that can barely contain them or director Courtney Trouble's joy in being there.

9. I think it was the XRCO that coined the award "Best Epic" to describe the big-budget porns with which studios reward their contract stars and directors, even if the movies themselves don't make a lot of money. But Adam & Eve, whose mail-order catalogue provides coveted spots for eligible movies from other studios, is always guaranteed a sizable return of investment for its movies - even the risky ones.

Such is "The 8th Day," a truly epic tale of Kayden Kross's journey across a blighted post-apocalyptic landscape populated with boobed mutants, shyster evangelists, and sex bazaars. Not only was the production itself embattled (sort-of studio Sex Z Pictures threatened to sue Adam & Eve because one of its contracted employees was working on the production, and the litigation-averse Adam & Eve actually stopped production), but the subject matter and content were both far out of Adam & Eve' comfort zone.

Finally, "The 8th Day" was an epic journey for Kayden Kross who, come January, will become the performer who has held contracts with the most studios when she leaves Adam & Eve to join Digital Playground (an announcement that followed former DP contractor Teagan Presley's move to Adam & Eve). Contract girls are high-strung thoroughbreds protective of their image, and Kross (who even belonged to that anonymizing group known as Vivid contract girls) deserves props for allowing herself to be crucified in a porn movie.

10. Just because Adult Source Media's "Pirate's Booty" was the only animated gay porn I received this year doesn't mean that my choosing it as Best Animated Gay Pirate Porn is suspect. In fact, I learned a lot about pirates, ghosts, gays, and The Sea from this movie, which features the voice talents of the game Evan Stone.

Throughout the movie I wished I could hoist a topsail or deliver a cumshot as well as those cartoons.

11. Because the porn industry itself has a real and measurable case of low self esteem, it gets very excited to receive any mainstream coverage, even if that coverage stings it again and again. On the other hand, it often recoils at its depiction in mainstream movies.

Such was the reaction to "The Auteur" by some in the porn world who felt this very funny independent out of Portland, OR hadn't given the business the respect it deserved by making light of how seriously porn takes itself. Oh well. If I wanted reality, I'd look in my sock drawer; "The Auteur" was entertaining.

"The Auteur" shares with another independent, "Black Devil Doll," my prize for Best Gateway Drug, the type of movie not made by an actual pornographer that nevertheless occupies Step One on a road that ends with "Dirtpipe Milkshakes."

"Black Devil Doll" is Charlie McCarthy by way of Eldridge Cleaver and Russ Meyer. It was a wonderfully offensive movie with cumshots that rivaled those of gay pirates. (Check out the Back Devil Doll soundboard here.)

12. Finally, Kimberly Kane's "Live in My Secrets" and Erica McLean's "Hardcore Circus" share the Independent Spirit award. Both are creatively (and by that I don't mean "incompetently") shot and are very sexy and individualized snapshots of the dirty minds of Kane and McLean.

Not every performer who steps behind the camera can translate his or her "vision" to the screen, and that has something to do with the fact that not every performer likes sex. But Kane does, and she made a "Personal Jesus" of a porn movie (I'm thinking of the first scene in particular) that ends with her and Sasha Grey wading through some cherry syrup on the way to each other.

McLean's "Hardcore Circus" was also a contender for Most Gleeful but is more appropriate here because the viewer really gets the idea that the director has let him or her in on a very nice surprise.

As I think about it, this last award is the most meaningful, because porn, Readers, is about people fucking people, and these two movies give you a sense of who these people are.

Sadly, this year also featured a winner for Worst Porn Movie in "The Lingerie Salesman's Worst Nightmare." I believe a marketing psychologist would be able to point to the inclusion of the phrase "worst nightmare" in the title of a porn movie as a prediction of how a viewer might react to it, but it could have been called "Gram Ponante Is America's Beloved Porn Journalist" and it still would have been awful.

Honorable Mentions

Most Elegant Riding Out Her Contract movie: "Stoya: Scream"
Europorn of the Year: Viv Thomas' "One Night Stand"
Tranny Film: "Girlfriends???"
Comeback of the Year: Rocco Siffredi in "Rocco Ravishes L.A."

"O2: The Power of Seduction," "The 8th Day," "Debbie Does Dallas...Again," "Corruption," "Barely Legal 75," "Operation: Desert Stormy," and a little movie called "Pirates" were large-cast epics that suggested that bigger is actually better, especially when talking about number of vaginas.

Maybe some of these productions amount to nothing more than vanity projects for their studios, but remember that porn doesn't have the margins it once did - these movies have to make money and they wouldn't continue to be made if they didn't. There's just a lot fewer of them now.

Thanks to my close personal friends at Wicked, Vivid, Digital Playground, Hustler, Sex Z Pictures, and Adam & Eve for allowing me unprecedented access to the Janine Lindemulders, Hillary Scotts, Nina Hartleys, Jenny Hendrixes, Bree Olsons, Kylie Irelands, Stormy Danielses, Jesse Janes, and Kayden Krosses of my heart.

Kayden and Rocco Make a Porno

Studio: Adam and Eve
Director: David Lord
Cast: Kayden Kross, Heidi Mayne, Kiara Diane, Dani Jensen, Codi Carmichael, Tiffany Mynx, Rocco Reed, Chris Cannon, Jenner, Evan Stone, Tommy Gunn, Barrett Blade

"Kayden and Rocco Make a Porno" opens with a scene of (surprise!) Kayden and Rocco making a porno—or at least fucking on camera. But wait: this isn't a porn scene from the porno that Kayden and Rocco make. This is a scene from a different porno starring Kayden and Rocco, one which Kayden and Rocco are sitting at home watching. (Have we lost you yet?)

After watching herself with Rocco, Kayden bemoans the state of porn today: clearly, she could do a better job behind the camera than these bozos. And thus Kayden sets off on the same path as many a performer-turned-director before her. With Rocco at her side, Kayden makes a porno.

Along the way, we meet an interesting cast of characters. Heidi Mayne shows up at the audition so desperate to land a role that she blows Chris Cannon and Jenner in the waiting room (at the same time). Aspiring pornstar Evan Stone (pre-haircut!) loses his chance to get cast in the production, but lies his way into a job as the PA...and then lies his way into Tiffany Mynx, Kiara Diane, and Dani Jensen as well. Rocco engages in on-the-job intimacy with make up artist Codi Carmichael. And, in a last ditch effort to save her film, Kayden takes on both Barrett Blade and Tommy Gunn.

"Kayden and Rocco" is one of those rare pornos that manages to have just the right mix of plot and sex, without seeming gratuitous on either front. The story is entertaining, the acting is good; and at no point do we find ourselves asking why, precisely, these people are having sex with one another. They're having sex because they're making a porno (come on, it says it right on the front of the box!).

You'll have to watch the movie if you want to see how it all turns out—whether Kayden succeeds at her dream, or finds that being a director is harder than it looks—but when you do, you'll have an enjoyable time. Just, uh, don't take the movie as an instructional on how to make your own porno. Trust us on that one.

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We won't rehash details about how awesome Kayden is—you know that already. We'll just say that we are seriously stoked to see Kayden go to town on some of her new fellow contract stars....ooh, the possibilities.

· Digital Playground (digitalplayground.com)

Flight Attendants

Studio: X-Play/Adam & Eve
Director: Will Ryder
Cast: Kayden Kross, Evan Stone, Hillary Scott, Teagan Presley, Sunny Lane, Eva Angelina, Misty Stone, Shyla Stylez, Kacey Jordan, Lexi Love, Michelle Maylene, Randy Spears, James Bartholet, Eric John, Jack Lawrence, Eric Swiss, Thomas Ward, Brad Hardy, Kenzi Marie, Chastity Lynn, Farrah Foxx, Dino Bravo, Barry Scott

Review by: Gram Ponante

X-Play's newest film (following last week's "Monday Night Football") continues the company's diversification into porn comedies that aren't based on a particular show. This one draws broadly from "Airplane!" with a healthy dose of Jim Holliday's ensemble pornos of the 90's (Holliday gets namechecked in the movie) as well as Digital Playground's recent successes in occupational porn, "Cheerleaders," "Babysitters," "Nurses," and "Teachers."

A co-production with Adam & Eve like last year's Zero Tolerance/A&E matchup "Rollerdollz," "Flight Attendants" tries so hard to please that it collapses with the effort. Such a large cast means not enough room for everyone to shine, and the story is so needlessly convoluted that you will actually become stupider while watching it.

Q. But Grams, surely you're not saying that you would fault a porn movie for a poorly-executed story. Isn't sex all that matters?
A. While sex is all that matters, at least at this point in our lives, you should probably just buy ten copies of "Flight Attendants," watch each one, and feel your IQ drop by ten points each time. Then you will be this movie's target audience, and will support X-Play's future filmic endeavors.

Multiple uses of flashbacks and dream sequences are neither effective nor funny, the theme song is grating, and the numerous gay and black/urban poor jokes made by and at the expense of performer James Bartholet and openly black performer Misty Stone try too hard to be outrageous and fall flat. It was often amazing how "Flight Attendants" made two subjects that are normally hilarious - race and sexual orientation - unfunny while trying to be "broad."

Speaking of broad, let's talk about the sex.

X-Play has assembled an all-star cast and we slog through way too much plot before any cast members commence to fucking. While there are standout scenes between Shyla Stylez and Randy Spears, the newly-returned Hillary Scott and Barry Scott (no relation), and Kayden Kross and Evan Stone, we don't see nearly enough of Sunny Lane, Eva Angelina, Teagan Presley, or Lexi Love. And, in an industry where people don't need much of an excuse to have sex, "Flight Attendants" manages to strain credulity.

I think X-Play in particular and parodies in general need to take a vacation.

We know the recent difficulty of making money in porn, and part of the current marketing strategy involves having numerous products on the shelves. X-Play is also playing two sides of the field by releasing movies through distributors Adam & Eve as well as Hustler. But it seems that a company that can make such note-perfect parodies like "Not Married with Children" and "Not the Cosby Show" may have extended its reach this time; "Flight Attendants" did not need to be bad.

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Alexis Texas, Hanna Hilton, Kagney Linn Karter, Kayden Kross, Kendall Brooks, Nikki Jayne, Puma Swede, and delicious Sophia Santi star in "XXX Top Models." Undoubtedly, these ladies constitute the proverbial cream of the crop. Each of them show off their amazing abilities for us, with the slightest suggestion from the accomplished pornographer Holly Randall, whose assiduous attention to detail and breathtaking sets leaves us practically speechless.

Sweet young Kagney Linn Karter shows off her heart melting curves, flashing her bedroom eyes as she devours cock with the appetite of seasoned veteran. Kayden Kross reminds us of why we love her so much. And once again Alexis Texas mesmerizes us with her extraordinary lady lumps, her marvelous mounds of jiggling ass vibrating hypnotically as she gets pound hard in her hot pink hole by her lover.

"XXX Top Models" is out now from Suze Randall Productions and CCI. Enjoy this exclusive gallery...and happy Monday.

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And we also know that when it comes to the ultimate anything girl, Kayden's a front runner in our book. And as the only adult actress in the mix, she pretty much automatically gets our vote. Doubly so.

What can we say? It's Kayden's world—we just live in it.

· Girls of Spike: Ultimate 50 (spike.com)
· Kayden's Profile (spike.com)
· Thumbnail via Club Kayden (clubkayden.branddanger.com)

The 8th Day

Studio: Adam & Eve
Director: Ren Savant
Cast: Kayden Kross, Amber Rayne, Bree Olson, Aaron Wilcoxxx, Kylie Ireland, Jandi Lin, Poppy Morgan, Tori Black, Violet Marcell, Krissy Leigh, Tommy Gunn, Evan Stone, Tyler Knight, Trinity Post, Darryl Hanah, Ameatabh Bachan, Derrick Pierce

Review by: Gram Ponante

Samantha (the exquisitely nude Kayden Kross) wakes up from future sleep in a future chamber, a recorded message from her late father (director Ren Savant) playing on the future video screen.

"Possibly I died of natural causes," he is saying, Jor El-like, waxing on about the zero-point generator he invented that he is confident will have saved the world by now. "I am very envious of my little girl."

Envious or not, Dad, at least wait until she's got some clothes on.

Thus begins "The 8th Day," Adam & Eve's massive 4-disc (two for the feature, two for extras) epic of sex in a post-apocalyptic world, part "2001," part "The Road Warrior," part "Contact," and, what the hell, still weirded out by a father being creepy with his daughter, even posthumously, part "Blame It on Rio."

Of course, the world Sam wakes up to isn't quite fixed. In fact, it looks a lot like many greater Los Angeles communities south of the 10 freeway; places where bodies are meat, technology has betrayed Man, and where "In a lawless new world, sex is the only salvation."

"My God," Sam says. "What happened?"

Life happened, Sam. We follow her through the ruined, overgrown landscape. We evaluate Sam's choices as if she were making her way through Quake, and we're waiting for her MMPORGasm.

In fact, "The 8th Day" is unlike many contemporary movies in that it takes its time, and this is an unexpected pleasure. Well, perhaps not to fans of porn's pay-per-minute model, but whatever.

By the time Sam meets Mel (Amber Rayne), lots of information has slowly unfolded, much like Krissy Leigh's impressive labia in a desert shanty scene with Tyler Knight.

It turns out, Mel tells Sam in porn's first recorded ten-minute dialogue scene, that long ago all the electricity went out, the animals died, women had trouble reproducing, and mutants with different attributes emerged. Sam, for example, has sex with some slimy Morlocks. Then we watch a three-way between some blue, caterwauling Gila girls. I'd add "Good Times" here, but I'm not a douchebag.

Mel takes Sam to the Elysium Fields, a desert enclave ruled by the charismatic Amir, who preaches against technology and presides over tent orgies. We learn that Amir led the angry mob that killed Sam's father when the latter's science didn't turn out as expected. We learn, also, that Mel can take a double-penetration like a goddamn champ.

My only complaints about the movie are logical ones, which I admit don't hold up against the copious flesh on display, but here goes: It is not altogether clear why Sam's dad put her into deep sleep, unless he just did so to see his adult daughter naked. And Amir doesn't seem all that charming, despite the fawning.

But the risks "The 8th Day" takes are admirable for porn. There are stretches without either music or nudity and where the plot advances by scenery alone. The special effects are parceled out with maturity, there are references to Shakespeare and the Beatles, and the movie trusts you to allow it to end without a cumshot.

There is also more creepy stuff with Dad, crucifixion, peeing on asbestos, a "West Wing" cameo, Bree Olson's Blue period, the unsinkable Darryl Hanah, the always-dependable Trinity Post, a delightful performance by Amber Rayne, and the jaw-dropping Kayden Kross, who meets a bad end (but so does everybody).

"The 8th Day" is a great movie; how bad can the end of the world be if it's got Kayden Kross in it?

· Adam & Eve (adamandeve.com)
· And on the 8th Day, God blew up Boston (gramponante.com)
· Buy "The 8th Day" (gamelink.com)

Porn doesn't have anything like Hollywood's traditional pitch meetings, but we still like to imagine Director Ren Savant promising Adam & Eve's head honchos that he was going to make the best porn movie of the decade by mixing "Mad Max Thunderdome" with "Behind the Green Door' all while using action figures, a Kayden Barbie, several Tonka trucks, and a cat box to illustrate his point.

Any reservations the A&E brass had about making a big budget, non-spoof sci-fi porno were certainly placated by the knowledge that indefatigable blonde beauty Kayden "too pretty for porn" Kross would be cast in the lead.

The story opens with Kross being awakened from a cryogenic slumber to find herself in a strange city overrun by tribal gangs and overactive sexual half breeds, not entirely unlike Barstow or the backside of a meth lab way back in the hills of San Bernadino.

Kayden gets rescued by a scrappy scavenger girl, Amber Rayne and learns her only hope for salvation lies in the hands of the charismatic ruler of a desolate dessert village, known as Elysium Fields. But when Prince Amir takes Samantha under his wing, he discovers who she really is and decides that she must make the ultimate sacrifice.

Kayden Cross, Bree Olson, Tyler Knight, Tommy Gunn, Aaron Wilcoxxx, Kylie Ireland
Derrick Pierce, Jandi Lin, Krissy Leigh, Poppy Morgan, Tori Black, Violet Marcell, Darryl Hanah, Evan Stone, Amber Rayne, Cheyne Collins, Sledge Hammer, Trinity Post, Chris Cannon, and Jerry keep spending all their lives fucking in a post apocalyptic burnt out ghetto paradise.

Will this be the greatest movie of the year? Can it topple the strangle hold "Operation Tropical Stormy" will no doubt have on industry come awards time? No one knows for sure. We can say, however, that it is an impressive effort replete with sexy girls, hot sex, orgies, and bucket loads of pure imagination, which (as we all know) Einstein even said was more important than having Stormy.

"The 8th Day" releases on 9/08/09 but you can get it now at Adam and Eve's website. For more info on the title, check out "The 8th Day"'s website. And in the meantime, check out our mega exclusive sneak preview gallery.

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Santa Monica cops checked invitations, true, but after that the uniforms became far more sparse. Try high heels, wings or horns, some glitter, and nothing else.

Nina Hartley, Sunny Lane, Ava Rose, Alexa Jordan, Savannah Stern, Jenna Brooks, Kayden Kross, Maria Bellucci, and dozens of other porn luminaries mixed and mingled in this latest in Hustler's five-year family reunions. This one was held at the Santa Monica Airport, which allowed Larry Flynt to be taxied in in his jet.

I didn't know it until later, but longtime Hustler photographer/director Richard Monfort (nom de porn: Richard de Montfort) had died about a week before. This party would have been right up his alley, especially since the "Heaven" and "Hell" sides of the room seemed to keep changing sides. But he especially would have appreciated the familiar, family atmosphere of the event, hard as that might be to explain when you've got Ava Rose in her altogether.

It's also hard to tell what the road to either destination is paved with when you can't stop looking at Sunny Lane. But no one said it was easy.

So Happy Birthday, Hustler, and a fond farewell, Richard.

· Hustler (hustler.com)

Yes, these two intrepid pornstars actually built a time machine and went back to that storied time, inserting themselves into a suburban '70s lifestyle (if you catch our drift), and reaping the sexy benefits.

Wait, what?

They didn't build a time machine? This is just a clip from a movie about swingers...a historical ficiton of a porno, if you will?

Damn. We don't know what to believe anymore...

· Buy "Swing Time" (gamelink.com)

*****

Previoulys: Kayden Kross Looks Breathtaking In "Swing Time"

Jenny Hendrix is an excellent mixologist. Her signature drink is called a Liquid Panty Remover and consists of a can of Fuze Slenderizer and vodka.

Stoya is a big fan of Lychee liquor mixed with Sprite. She didn't have a name for it so we're going to call it a Triumph of the Will in honor of her recent exploits.

Wicked contract star and all-around down-to-earth person Kirsten Price nevertheless is partial to anything with Grey Goose in it.

"I like the Greyhound, which is Grey Goose with grapefruit juice in it," she said. "Plus the grapefruit speeds up your metabolism."

Kayden Kross drinks maybe once a month, but it's still hard to distrust the clean-living, horse-riding dollop of sunshine. "When and if I drink," she says, "I drink cosmopolitans."

Have you ever invented a drink?

"No," she said, "I really don't drink much."

If a reader were to send you a drink recipe and name it after you, might you drink it?

"Yes," she said. "Now leave me alone."

(She didn't actually ask to be left alone.)

New Jersey's own Tommy Gunn, now that he lives in California, can't tell one season from another, which makes his drink of choice an evergreen one, whether he is servicing women or hunting them with his crossbow.

"Shots of Patron," he said.