Fleshbot: straight, kacey jordan

Learn The Feminine Mystique From "Not The Brady Bunch XXX: Pussy Power"

Ottimo Massimo — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 17:00:00 EST

Sure, this episode was good, but Will Ryder should probably move on before Cousin Oliver shows up.

Not The Bradys XXX: Pussy Power

Studio: LFP Distribution/X-Play
Director: Will Ryder
Cast: Lexi Belle, Dylan Riley, Kacey Jordan, Alana Evans, Lynn Lemay, Ashlyn Rae, Nicole Ray, Tanner Mayes, Mike Horner, Kris Slater, James Deen, Mikey Butders, Ron Jeremy, Eric John, Seth Gamble, Dane Cross

On this episode of "Not The Bradys," young Jan (now played by Dylan Riley) feels neglected by her family, teachers, and—most of all—the boys at her school. Little does Jan know that all she needs to get a little attention (or tickets to a concert, or good grades) is some Pussy Power. And with that skirting-the-edges-of-sexist comment, let the film begin!

Lucky for Jan, bad girl Tanner Mayes shows up at the Brady Compound and wildly masturbates in Jan's bed, which somehow introduces her to the world of mature decisions and sexual favors. Jan realizes that the key to Marcia's success has always been blowjobs, and so her only hope of "being good at something" lies in emulating her big sister.

Meanwhile, everyone else is having sex, looking good in their ‘70s garb, maintaining erections and wholesome imagery, etc. Lexi Belle is the new Marcia, and she fits the role just fine. Her secret romp with the high school quarterback is not only inspirational to the viewer, but to Jan and Cindy as well.

On the male side of things, all is well. James Deen is still adorable as Peter. He somehow manages to look goofy and enthusiastic in the middle of his scene with Tanner, just like good ol' Christopher Knight. Mikey Butders embodies the coy Bobby Brady just as well. His threesome with Ashlyn Rae and Nicole Ray is one of the finest in Brady family history. Except maybe for that one time Alice stumbled into Mr. and Mrs. B's bedroom.

But hey, gang! There are some things more disappointing than Jan's violin playing (insert laugh track here). They still haven't delivered on that real, slow Sam the Butcher/Alice loving, although the characters talk about it non-stop. However, there is a simulated sex scene in which Alice ducks behind the kitchen island and Ron Jeremy pretends to be fellated most comically. Like most of the humor in Will Ryder parodies, this goes until it becomes awkward, keeps going, and then arbitrarily stops.

All in all, it feels like another Will Ryder movie: the sex is very good, the comedy is very bad, and everyone can feel ok about the lack of Brady-on-Brady boinking. The whole Pussy Power thing is something to think about. We always wondered how Carol convinced a man to take her and her three daughters in; "much more than a hunch" indeed.

"Flight Attendants" Crashes Despite Ample Buoyancy

Gram Ponante — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 17:00:00 EDT

Global Air's ridership has taken a nosedive since one of its planes did. And rival Trans Con won't let Global forget it! So Global's flight attendants decide to grow their customer base the only way they know how.

Flight Attendants

Studio: X-Play/Adam & Eve
Director: Will Ryder
Cast: Kayden Kross, Evan Stone, Hillary Scott, Teagan Presley, Sunny Lane, Eva Angelina, Misty Stone, Shyla Stylez, Kacey Jordan, Lexi Love, Michelle Maylene, Randy Spears, James Bartholet, Eric John, Jack Lawrence, Eric Swiss, Thomas Ward, Brad Hardy, Kenzi Marie, Chastity Lynn, Farrah Foxx, Dino Bravo, Barry Scott

Review by: Gram Ponante

X-Play's newest film (following last week's "Monday Night Football") continues the company's diversification into porn comedies that aren't based on a particular show. This one draws broadly from "Airplane!" with a healthy dose of Jim Holliday's ensemble pornos of the 90's (Holliday gets namechecked in the movie) as well as Digital Playground's recent successes in occupational porn, "Cheerleaders," "Babysitters," "Nurses," and "Teachers."

A co-production with Adam & Eve like last year's Zero Tolerance/A&E matchup "Rollerdollz," "Flight Attendants" tries so hard to please that it collapses with the effort. Such a large cast means not enough room for everyone to shine, and the story is so needlessly convoluted that you will actually become stupider while watching it.

Q. But Grams, surely you're not saying that you would fault a porn movie for a poorly-executed story. Isn't sex all that matters?
A. While sex is all that matters, at least at this point in our lives, you should probably just buy ten copies of "Flight Attendants," watch each one, and feel your IQ drop by ten points each time. Then you will be this movie's target audience, and will support X-Play's future filmic endeavors.

Multiple uses of flashbacks and dream sequences are neither effective nor funny, the theme song is grating, and the numerous gay and black/urban poor jokes made by and at the expense of performer James Bartholet and openly black performer Misty Stone try too hard to be outrageous and fall flat. It was often amazing how "Flight Attendants" made two subjects that are normally hilarious - race and sexual orientation - unfunny while trying to be "broad."

Speaking of broad, let's talk about the sex.

X-Play has assembled an all-star cast and we slog through way too much plot before any cast members commence to fucking. While there are standout scenes between Shyla Stylez and Randy Spears, the newly-returned Hillary Scott and Barry Scott (no relation), and Kayden Kross and Evan Stone, we don't see nearly enough of Sunny Lane, Eva Angelina, Teagan Presley, or Lexi Love. And, in an industry where people don't need much of an excuse to have sex, "Flight Attendants" manages to strain credulity.

I think X-Play in particular and parodies in general need to take a vacation.

We know the recent difficulty of making money in porn, and part of the current marketing strategy involves having numerous products on the shelves. X-Play is also playing two sides of the field by releasing movies through distributors Adam & Eve as well as Hustler. But it seems that a company that can make such note-perfect parodies like "Not Married with Children" and "Not the Cosby Show" may have extended its reach this time; "Flight Attendants" did not need to be bad.

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"Teenage Babysitters": Now In German

Gram Ponante — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 16:00:00 EDT

Sometimes we ask too much of porn. "Make it clever so we won't feel guilty." "Don't make us think too much." But the question that rang through our screening of "Teenage Babysitters" was, "Shouldn't babysitter porn make us happy?"

Teenage Babysitters

Studio: Powersville/JM
Director: Jim Powers
Cast: Katja Kassin, Kacey Jordan, Otto Bauer, Tara Lynn Foxx, Tanner Mayes, Yasmine Gold

"You think you can tease my husband?" says the severe deutscheMILF Katja Kassin to hapless nanny Kacey Jordan in "Teenage Babysitters." "You don't even know how to suck dick!"

One feels that this couple, who imported Jordan from a place where she had to take a plane to start her job, wasn't really interested in a babysitter at all.

This oddly dark and scattershot movie from prolific director Jim Powers is preceded by ads for his websites teenyboppercockgobblers.com and wetmilfholes.com, anticipating the action to come, which involves the almost 40-minute first scene between narrator/star Kassin, Otto Bauer, and Jordan, and a similarly Teutonic outing with German starlet Yasmine Gold, Jay Lassiter, and Tanner Mayes.

Perhaps to avoid any confusion with cheery titles like Digital Playground's "Babysitters," Powers' movie features a layered, somber synthesizer soundtrack like in an 80's noir. Kassin's German commands are fun, as are Otto Bauer's near-constant mugging, but the movie does not seem to know what kind of porn movie it wants to be. Fun and zany? Dark and ironic?

In any case, it's fun to watch, especially a scene with Tanner Mayes looking troubled, which is her signature expression.

We're glad that the "Teenage Baysitters"' youthful charges are all implied, because the sight of Mayes, Jordan, Gold, and Tara Lynn Foxx flouncing around the house might be detrimental to their development.

· JM Productions (jerkoffzone.com)
· Buy "Teenage Babysitters" (gamelink.com)

“Getting All A+s 6” Showcases Young Beauties Making the Grade

DCypher — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 16:00:00 EDT

With 2 discs, and over 12 scenes full of hot young girls taking huge cocks in their tightest orifice, it's safe to say that Digital Sin isn't just funning around.

When they say they're plugging the hot cracks of naughty legal teen hookers full of hard pipe, you had better believe that they mean it!

Brynn Tyler, Shawna Lenee, and Jenny Hendrix lead the charge, with anal exploits from Kacey Jordan, Evelyn Lin, Tia Thomas, Tori Black, Stephanie Cane, Lana Violet, Lilly Kingston, and Alexa Jordan filling out the rest of this amazing title—and, of course, making us drool all over our keyboards.

Each and every single one of these girls has what it takes to make the grade. Specifically: a tight pucker of love, and the willingness to stretch it to unfathomable lengths full of throbbing meat stick. It's always a pleasure watching zesty young slut Shawna Lenee get fucked in any hole, much less to see her get her back door pried all the way open. The look on her face at any given moment, or young Miss Hendrix's, for that matter, when she's getting drilled hard, is absolutely priceless. We'd give her passing marks for that alone. Greedily slurping up a shot of hot spunk? Gotta call that extra credit!

"Getting All A+s 6" releases this week from Digital Sin. Enjoy your weekend, and try not to hurt yourself looking at this exclusive sneak peek.

· New Sensations
· Buy "Getting All A+s 6" (gamelink.com)

Pink Visual Pioneers Surprising New Approach To Couples Therapy

DCypher — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 16:00:00 EDT

Chick mags are full of advice on how to spice up your marriage, but Pink Visual's "Couples Seducing Teens 11" has a novel solution to a stagnant sex life—screw hot teens together!

Did we mention that we really like the way they think? Yeah. Totes magotes. They've packed luscious teen dreams Kacey Jordan, Aurora Chase, Kortni Kiss, Sabrina Starr, and Tia Thomas into their latest, along with some very spicy couples like Ethan and Lexi and Marcus and Devon. These teens get, how you say, worked up to a frothy lather of orgasmic goodness?

Still, we advocate that you use caution when trying their approach; or in the case of Ethan and Lexi, when choosing the right little legal teen sweetheart to furiously lap at your pierced scrotum. We can't even begin to imagine the kind of trauma ward adventures that might ensue if the horny girl has her tongue pierced!

All in all, it's a zesty way to spend an afternoon: spitting game at cuties, pushing the envelope, and reaping the tight and tiny rewards of being able to pry open the bubble gum pink coochies of some very hot harlots in training. They've got to learn it all somewhere, right?

"Couples Seducing Teens Volume 11" releases this week from Pink Visual. Check out our gallery to see if it's your thing.

· Pink Visual (pinkvisual.com)

"New Stars" Experiencing New Sensations In A Brave New XXX World

DCypher — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 17:00:00 EDT

New Sensations rolls out twelve scenes in five hours with a two-disc collector’s edition entitled "The New Stars of XXX." In numerology that translates into 1, a number associated with not only financial gain and overbearing personal needs and desires, but also with winners (duh) not to mention hordes of screaming fans with oversized foam fingers. Think about that for a minute. It’s mind boggling!

Natasha Nice, Courtney James, Kacey Jordan, Nichole Heiress, Scarlett Fay, Brynn Tyler, Coco Velvett, Lana Violet, Audrianna Angel, Missy Stone, Marie McCray, and Kiki Vidis are the fresh faced, willing young debutantes learning the ropes the hard way, but with none of the reservations crowding up the minds of the harrowed and uncertain young ladies not featured in this fledgling volume. You see these girls are the new stars of XXX. The next Jenna Jameson or Tera Patrick will emerge triumphant and cum-basted from this group, like a glorious, shimmering phoenix drenched in baby batter, like a gleaming Lauren Conrad—and you damn well know it!

They won’t be losing sleep any night soon over where their careers are headed. No more McJobs or working at the mall at stores they used to shoplift from. No more pointlessly begging their parents and sugar daddies for Manolo Blahnik during the worst economic crisis since Herbert Hoover. No more long hours spent winding around a stripper pole under candy lights or grinding the sticky tumescent laps of sweaty trolls for damp dollars. From here on out, it’s all panty-melting flattery, hard pipe from cute guys, and an endless stream of easy moolah. That’s even better than being the next Angelina Jolie or Megan Fox!

· Buy: New Sensations - "The New Stars of XXX" (GameLink)

Streaking With Gianna: "Shane's World Scavenger Hunt Seattle"

Gram Ponante — Mon, 12 May 2008 21:15:01 EDT

As the list of challenges went on—such as eating a fish's eyeball, streaking, and shaving a stranger's balls—we were convinced that "Shane's World 40: Seattle Scavenger Hunt" would be really cool if it were true. It was when team member Gianna announced that she needed a drink before she got started that we began thinking this was a real documentary.

Two teams of four get a limo and $100 each to complete an identical series of optional or mandatory tasks. each weighted for difficulty and chutzpah. All involve either interaction with the public or public displays of hardcore action set against a Pacific Northwest backdrop albeit with no distracting cameos by former members of Soundgarden.

Some of the stunts, like flushing their hands in a public toilet and eating fish eyes, are characteristic of Shane's World's devotion to its reality-style "Real World" roots. And when former Vivid girl Cassidey and Kacey Jordan convince a local to let them shave his balls and then give him the full porn star treatment, it really is a millennial Horatio Alger story.

"My day couldn't get any better," he says.

"You sure you don't just wanna fuck us?" Cassidey (who, up until this moment in the movie, hasn't appeared as enthusiastic as everyone else) asks. "We have condoms."

"If you do us both," Jordan adds, "that's 2,000 extra points."

Following two nights of partying with local bikers (one of whom was particularly lucky), one team squeaked out a narrow victory.

Similar to JM Productions' "American Bukkake" movies, these Shane's World ventures into the general population provide a snapshot of the porn-buying public, and sometimes it's a little scary, like a high school party you think might go wrong and you have no ride home.

But people should be so lucky to have women like Gianna, Cassidey, and Delilah Strong in high school.

· Shane's World (shanesworld.com)
· Buy "Shane's World #40 - Scavenger Hunt #4 - Seattle" (gamelink.com)