If only the "Star Trek" parodies had featured Captains Pike, Kirk, and Picard - nah, they still would have sucked. Still, Sara Stone's Rebecca, who seduces Woody (Mr. Pete) after the latter gets Sam's (Joel Lawrence) little black book, seems to have flesh in the places Kirstie Alley wishes she had it. Am I being weightist and insensitive? I am sorry; it is how I feel. Distribution of weight is important to me.

Evan Stone's Cliff ("We strive to always put Evan in a moustache," said director Lee Roy Myers) and Mr. Pete's Woody were particularly effective in the parody, which suggests that "sometimes you wanna go where everybody blows a load."

· New Sensations (newsensations.com)

Les Vampyres

As you know, the last two horror films set in northern California were John Carpenter's The Fog and Corey Haim's The Lost Boys. So I was half giddy with excitement about James Avalon's AVN-sweeping 2000 movie Les Vampyres.

Castrated men are washing ashore along the scenic Pacific Coast Highway. None of them is John Houseman's Mr. Machen. In the opening scene of Les Vampyres (the only porn movie ever to name-check Peter Ueberroth), we watch as a three-way goes horribly wrong for a poor fellow who finds his junk bitten off by two women he probably thought were his friends

After the credits roll, we meet earnest couple Jenny and Clint (Jewel Valmont and Joel Lawrence), celebrating his job promotion by spending the weekend at a cozy resort. They bump into the uber-creepy Veronika (Syren), Victoria, and Vivian, two-thirds of whom we just saw biting some poor dude's cock off (the poor dude was played by Brick Majors, Brian Surewood's brother). The trio invites the couple to dinner, and they accept.

But back in the room the couple change their minds and decide to order room service instead.

"She had a strange aura about her," Jenny confides. "She made me feel ... different."

Not to worry. Victoria and Vivian are out looking for man-flesh, and boy do they find some, luring a hapless voyeur into some cock-biting.

Veronica has her heart set on Jenny, but Clint, like me, thinks Veronica's loopy.

"But I'm drawn to her," says Jenny. "It's a ... longing."

Meanwhile, now les vampyres have offed a doofus cop who alone was on to their shenanigans. But Clint is also suspicious. Unfortunately, like the other dubious men in the movie, his reservations are not strong enough to resist their temptations, in Clint's case, a sexy vampyre in the shower.

When Veronika finally gets Jenny alone, she informs the quivering blonde of her secret past. And when Jenny is hip to her own supernatural resume, it's curtains for Clint.

Avalon was and is a talented director who makes his stars look their best. While Syren doubtless did the best she could, it is painful to hear her deliver lines. As if anticipating this, a lot of the incidental male parts are just as hokey. Les Vampyres is a very juicy and cable-ready horror porn that holds up well lo these eight years.

Studio: Metro
Director: James Avalon
Cast: Syren, Jewel Valmont, Joel Lawrence, Wendi Knight, Brick Majors, Violet Luv, Jack Hammer, Samantha, Brandon Iron, Nick Orleans

Review by: Gram Ponante

· Metro (metrointeractive.com)
· Buy "Les Vampyres" (gamelink.com)

While Jesse Jane rovided interview wrap-ups from a stage just outside the Awards, Casey Parker was Playboy's Girl on the Floor, and as such she probably appeared in more photographs than anyone. By the end f the evening she was just as chipper as in the beginning. Here she chats with jessica drake about oing anal. ("You don't just dive in," drake said.)

Flower Tucci can always be counted on for an outfit that seems at once accessible and impossibly out of reach. Here she confounds us with a prize that could only be won after several frustrating hours of unlacing.

Marco Banderas and partner Lisa DeMarco (get it?) cut striking figures, but what was more impressive was Banderas' skill at turning just in time toward any camera aimed at him from anywhere in the room, as if to say, "Hola, Fleshbot readers!"

I hear things are just as bad up in Lake Erie.

We have never been sure of Robin Leach's function at this event, but we always see him. Leach's own cameraman was beloved of porn stars for asking Jenna Jameson and Tera Patrick who they were (thugh he did recognize Jameson beau Tito Ortiz). Meanwhile, Leach kept a personal record of the Not So Rich and Famous.

At the opposite end of the carpet performers were kept in yet another holding pen.

Former performer Joe Lawrence and signees of his talent agency were the last to walk the red carpet. Much of the press had left at this time since the awards show was two hours late, but no porn star was left behind.

Previously: 2008 AVN Awards: Dispatches From The Front