Consider the best porn movies which are, let's say, a concerted effort between performers, videographers, and directors to get you off. The RealTouch adds yet another participant to your masturbation's open marriage: a hard-working haptic encoder.

The RealTouch device is slightly bigger than that squash you devoured yesterday, and far more interesting to put your penis in. Opposite your penis, a USB cable connects the RealTouch hardware to your computer where, logged in to your account at RealTouch.com, you can access hundreds of scenes specially coded for use with your new conversation starter.

Starting with an ever-increasing library of straight, gay, and even anime P.O.V. videos, RealTouch's North Carolina-based programmers then assiduously mark, frame by frame, each movement of (for example) Tori Black's mouth, adjusting for heat, wetness, friction, and ferocity, sending these routines to two opposing conveyor belts within the machine. Ditto Tori's hands, ass, and vagina.

Unlike other marital aids in which the user actually has to do more work to operate them, the RealTouch is particularly eager to please. You select a video and put your dick in a machine. Science and your own self-control do the rest.

"I just stood there," one test subject said. "It really did all the work for me."

One drawback of the RealTouch is that it is not yet Mac compatible. So I farmed out the job of testing the device and its web interface to three PC users. Top of the list of my review criteria was not to tell me how weird it was.

"Look," I said. "We know it's weird."

Initial web setup and login to the RealTouch account were simple, followed by a Windows Media-based software download that was considerably less difficult than a WordPress install. Our review model made a whirring sound and one subject was tentative about making a penile approach to it.

"I didn't know if I'd come back," he said.

But they were Heroes, and each on different occasions tried videos with Tera Patrick, Ashlynn Brooke, Tori Black, Bree Olson, and Jenna Jameson, noting that Bree used up a lot of lube.

The belts work in conjunction with heating coils, a lube reservoir, and a simple adjustably tight seal (but haptics don't care how big you are). Is one hole different from the other? The belts squeeze tighter and the coils heat hotter when you're in Bree's ass.

Cleaning, refilling, and transporting this machine require, as you'd imagine, a commitment, but not one our test subjects, each either happily married or otherwise partnered, minded ("but watch out for leaks," one said).

What I find fascinating about the RealTouch is that someone in Charlotte was focusing as intently on Jenna Jameson or Lisa Ann (or dozens of other actresses) as you would be, dropping coder's keystrokes in anticipation of your eventual loads.

So, even though masturbation is a personal experience, the RealTouch proves that it takes a village to jerk you off.

· RealTouch (realtouch.com)

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Previously: Fleshbot Babes Archive

"How to Make Love to a Woman" stars mainstream actors Krysten Ritter, Ian Somerhalder, and Josh Meyers alongside Jenna Jameson, who's apparently playing herself. We're not sure if this is a sign that Jenna's making headway in her attempts to be an actress (she's in a rom-com!), or if she's just turning into another Ron Jeremy (uh, she's playing herself), but either way, we're excited to see Jenna doing something that makes her happy.

· "How to Make Love to a Woman" (ineedsexadvice.com)
· Jenna Jameson, Comedy Star? (thewrap.com)

Is Sasha Grey the best connected female performer in porn? Maybe not, but she's well on her way to claiming that title—and we'd like to test that theory (and your porn knowledge), with a fun little variation on that hit of the '90s, Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. How many steps does it take to connect Sasha Grey to other performers in the industry? Want an extra challenge? Connect the dots using only performers who've actually fucked on camera together (not just appeared in the same movie)—and try to limit yourself to female performers only.

We'll start out with something (relatively) easy: how many steps does it take to connect Sasha Grey and Jenna Jameson? (Feeling overwhelmed? IAFD allows you to search for movies in which two specific performers appeared together.)

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Kayden Kross: blonde (glamourmodelsgonebad.com) and brown (action-babes.com)

Sandee Westgate: brown and blonde (sandee-westgate.net)

Stoya: purple (timdir.com) and brown

Jessie Lee: pink (altporn.net) and blonde

Lana Croft: blonde (nsgalleries.com) and brown (midnightprowl.com)

Belladonna: black (pornstarhuns.com) and blonde (earlmiller.com)

Pinky Lee: brown and blonde (fuckingmachines.com)

Miko Lee: brown (perfect-stars.com) and blonde (nshoneys.com)

Penny Flame: blonde (danni.com) and brown (maplebabe.com)

Jenna Jameson: blonde (angelicpornstars.com) and black (clubjenna.com)

*****

Previously: Fleshbot Requests Archive

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Previously: Fleshbot Babes Archive

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Previously: Fleshbot Babes Archive

The Semi-Retirement: When some girls quit the business, they just quit one part of it. Take Lexi Bardot, for instance, who may have left Porn Valley but who still creates online content. Wich is something we're extremely grateful for.

The (Very) Brief Exit: We were heartbroken when Belladonna announced that she was going to be retiring from the hardcore life due to an STD scare Thankfully, we weren't heartbroken for very long: less than a month after that announcement, she was back in the saddle again, which is exactly where we like to see her.

The Higher Calling: When Jesus calls, porn stars answer — at least when those porn stars are Crissy Moran and Erica Campbell, who left the jizz biz for the Jesus biz. We tried telling them that looking at them naked was a different but equally valid religious experience, but they chose to take a different path anyway.

The Very Public Exit: Who could ever forget Jenna Jameson? And who could forget her announcing, in the thick of the 2008 AVN Awards, that she "would never spread [her] legs for this industry again"? Hey, if you're going to quit porn, you might as well do it in front of a live audience comprised of a lot of the people who made you a star in the first place.

When The Past Comes Calling: Sometimes, even webcam girls get the blues (and the urge to quit): Tiffany Teen was driven to quit the life of a barely legal webcam girl after pictures from her high school yearbook were posted online. Sometimes, the past should stay the past (especially when it scares pretty girls away from being naked.)

Committing Suicide: With all the drama that's gone on at alt megasite SuicideGirls, it's not surprising that they've inspired more than a few creative (and dramatic) exits, including the one time near thirty models quit at once. For sheer style, though, we'd like to single out Flux, who managed to quit with a pretty piece of prose that tugged at our heartstrings. And let's not forget Dia while we're at it.

So did we miss anyone? Let us know your favorite porn star exits in the comments.

We can think of dozens of actresses off the top our head who can convincingly hump like a hooker, but can they handle the off-the-cuff dramatic style and display the emotional range required to make a full human person believable on screen? Amateur casting directors everywhere are ready to weigh in—and frankly we're a little hurt that our siblings at Defamer didn't think to ask us—but who better than our readers to find us the prefect choice? We have a few nominees of our own in the poll below, but feel free to make your own suggestions in the comments. The future of mainstream porn depends on you!

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· Soderbergh to direct 'Girlfriend' (variety.com, via Defamer)