Fleshbot: straight, jaelyn fox

John Madden’s Penis Delightfully Absent From “Not Monday Night Football XXX”

Ottimo Massimo — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 17:00:00 EDT

Perhaps XPlay was concerned about offending fans? We personally would've been stoked to finally see Howard Cosell's little monkey.

Not Monday Night Football XXX

Studio: XPlay
Director: Will Ryder
Cast: Angelina Armani, Lela Star, Sarah Vandella, Layla Rivera, Jaelyn Fox, Jessica Bangkok, Britney Stevens, Ashlyn Rae, Alyssa Reece, Topanga Fox, Ally Ann, Yurizan Beltran, Amia Miley, Tatum Pierce, Delila Darling, Cindy Jones, Mai Ly, Sophie Dee, Laci Laine, Rick Madrid, Billy Goodrich, Lee Bang, Evan Stone, Thomas Ward, Scott Lyons, Eric John, Kris Slater

It's one thing to parody a sitcom, but parodying an American institution like Monday Night Football requires both a solid sense of humor as well as serious focus on fucking. The challenge for XPlay is even greater with this parody because there are no protagonists to ground the plot, and no classic conflicts to spice up with sex. As a result, "Not Monday Night Football XXX" features an amalgamation of sportscasting legends doing what makes them memorable.

Rick Madrid plays the staccato-voiced Howard Cosell, who commands the preview show that the film is based around. He is joined by John Madden, played by Billy Goodrich, who spends time with fans, draws on the telestrator, and pimps tough-actin' Tinactin.

True to life, celebrities stop by to plug their latest projects/remind us of their scandals. OJ Simpson has his future read (keep in mind this is the 80s OJ), causing the fortune teller to flee the scene. Bill Cosby (manned by the same Thomas Ward who starred in "Not The Cosbys XXX") shows up as well, followed by a furious Laci Laine who demands Cosby leave his wife for her.

Although these allusions provide amusing intermissions from sex, they feel more like piecemeal potshots and less like parodies of the events they reference. Poking fun at the gimmicky, self-serving habits of a major network is clever, but without a strong, over-arching plot to center the jokes, the parody becomes a gimmick itself.

And like most parody porn, there's a clear distinction between the amusing and the arousing. There was one instance of Madden using the telestrator to discuss his favorite things about Angelina Armani (boobs, eyes, long, flowing hair), but it would've been doubly as funny to see him narrate an instant replay, telestrating the path of Eric John's cock as four cheerleaders tackle him in the locker room. Perhaps a "BAM!" or two would've been appropriate.

But there really isn't much to complain about. The simple fact that seventeen girls cram into five separate scenes is a daunting feat. With such an enormous cast, one might wonder how parody prince Will Ryder manages to coach this dreamteam to glory.

The answer? Teamwork: four gals for every gent, and no one hits the sidelines when the action is on. There's no showboating, no ball hogging, and the fans go wild for every play (seriously, there's non-stop cheering). Also, since every sex scene features a POV moment, viewers at home get to feel like they're part of the team! The sportsmanship is simply awe-inspiring.

Of course, there are a few star players. Evan Stone and Angelina Armani have the only one-on-one scene as the legendary quarterback Manhattan Joe and some floozy. He helps her get her foot in the door as a sideline reporter, so she helps him get his cock in her mouth.

"Well if I'm gonna taste your cock," she says, "I want you to taste my pussy." See? Teamwork.

Also exciting is the fact that Yurizan Beltran has her first non-solo scene. Yurizan, Lela Star, Mai Ly, and Alyssa Reece get bored watching the game at home, so they decide to ditch the remote and grab the vibrators. Even though it's her first time, Yurizan gives it 110% and really goes deep. I sincerely hope she continues this sociable trend.

The general mindset for parody pornographers seems to be "What if this show had hardcore sex in it?" Unfortunately, the finished product presents the question "What if this hardcore sex had jokes near it?" And while it's smart to unite the eternally homosocial institutions of pornography and sports, it's important to make sure they play together well. Perhaps "Not Monday Night Football XXX" could've used a couple more scrimmages before hitting the field.

And now I'm out of football puns.

"Not The Cosbys XXX": All That And A Jello Pudding Pop

Lux Alptraum — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 11:30:01 EDT

"Not The Cosbys XXX" may just be our most hotly anticipated porn of 2009. Growing up in the eighties, "The Cosby Show" was a big deal—and we were also thrilled to see more black people in mainstream porn.

So it's with a heavy heart that we must admit that our biggest reaction to "Not The Cosbys" was, well, disappointment. It wasn't the central cast, or the quality of the sex scenes, or the plot, or Thomas Ward as Cliff Huxtable—no, all those things were quite stellar, actually. The thing that left us less than thrilled was actually a (seemingly) minor thing: there were just too many white people in the film.

Now, we're not naive, and we are familiar with porn's...interesting take on race; more to the point, we know that it was already a big deal for X-Play/Hustler to back a project with an all black headlining cast. But was it too much to ask for them to just run with that, and give us a predominantly black "Not The Cosbys"? Apparently so: of the six sex scenes, only one features black-on-black love (well, two if you count Misty Stone's masturbation scene).

But we should tell you more about the things we actually liked about the film.

As with his previous "sitcums," Will Ryder successfully recreates the feel of "The Cosby Show"—especially with the casting of Thomas Ward as Heathcliff Huxtable, clearly a role he was born to play (the man's a shoo-in for Best Non-Sex Performance at the 2010 AVN Awards). The plot, too, is reasonably Cosby-ish: Denise struggles with whether or not to lose her virginity to her boyfriend Malik, Cockroach and Theo sneak into a sexy slumber party, and the family takes a trip to Hillman (our fingers are crossed in the hopes that "Not The Cosbys 2" includes some "A Different World" crossover).

And then, of course, there's the sex: first up is the aforementioned Denise (Misty Stone) masturbation scene (clearly intended to relieve some of the stress of her virginity-related angst). Next we find ourselves following Denise and her boyfriend Malik (Dick James) to a co-ed sleepover, which naturally turns out to be an all out orgy. Uncomfortable with the pressure to perform, Denise leaves—and, of course, her boyfriend stays, and wild sex ensues.

And this is where the feature takes its first—and biggest—misstep. It's an unwritten rule of porn parodies that the more invented characters a porn parody relies on, the weaker it is; so to have the first major sex scene entirely populated with invented characters (and predominantly white ones, at that) is a big strike against the feature.

Thankfully, the rest of the scenes manage to include at least one Cosby character in the mix. Scene Three finds Theo (Tyler Knight) and Cockroach (Tee Real) heading back to the sleepover/orgy, where Theo gets it on with stripper Charmaine (Tori Black); Scene Four is a flashback to Claire's (Monica Foster) time at Hillman, with Danny Mountain as her college boyfriend; Scene Five pairs Vanessa (Melody Nakai) and Cockroach (Tee Real), for some much anticipated all black sex; and, capping it all off, Denise loses her virginity (on her parents' bed, no less!) to Patrick (Scott Lyons) in the very final scene.

In the same way that "The Cosby Show" helped white families across America welcome a middle class black family into their homes, we'd been hoping that "Not The Cosbys XXX" would help white porn consumers enjoy the pleasures of all black love. Alas, it seems we raised our hopes too high. But hey, a big studio feature with this many black performers is still nothing to sneeze at. Here's hoping it's the first step in a more colorful future of porn.

· Buy "Not The Cosbys XXX" (gamelink.com)
· "Not The Cosbys XXX" (notthecosbysxxx.com)
· Sitcums (sitcums.com)

"Not the Cosby Show XXX" Doesn't Sweater the Small Stuff

Gram Ponante — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 12:30:00 EST

...like the fact that my first visit to the set happened on Caucasian Day.

Not that that was bad. Jenny Hendrix? Jaelyn Fox? Sara Vandella? Lana Violet? Still, as commenters pointed out, even a porn parody of "The Cosby Show" should have some black people in it. So today I met the full cast, including (from left, top) Tyler Knight as Theo, Misty Stone as Lisa, Monica Foster as Claire, an actor who has not yet chosen his porn name as Cliff (but he had the voice down cold), Cassidy Clay as Sondra and - both the following women are, in fact, 20 - Nina Devan as Rudy and Melody Narai as Vanessa.

The movie is directed by Will Ryder and produced by Scott David, who is also responsible for the 60 costumes for a dozen cast members. "I went to every thrift store in L.A. at least five times," he said.

I was there for two days and I still don't know what the plot is, but everyone was having an excellent time, including the dapper Tee Real, who plays Cockroach (seen here with the delicious Jaelyn Fox) and Dick James, whom I affectionately call Lucky Bastard, seen here with Sara Vandella, Fox, Jenny Hendrix, and Lana Violet.

I posed the obvious question to director Will Ryder.

"So," I said, "do you think - "

"Yes, I think we'll get sued," he said.

· All Media Play (allmediaplay.com)

Ourselves, Growing Older: "Old Geezers, Young Teasers 2"

Gram Ponante — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 22:29:14 EST

It is no surprise that in such an age-freaked business like porn — in which one is a MILF at 26 but one can be a schoolgirl until 25 — that the average age of these "geezers" is about 44.

Don't Stand So Close to Us after the gap.

. . .

Whitney Stevens taps out text messages on her iPhone in detention, covering up her sass with a book.

"Is that book funny?" her teacher asks.

"It's a laugh riot," she says.

When he tries to confiscate her phone, well, you can guess what happens. This is the first coupling of a movie that scene by scene redefines "geezers" from the bathrobe-clad, lawn-protecting curmudgeons of our youth until they become younger than us. (Almost. We're 23.)

"Nice fucking tits," our Mr. Chips says, and doesn't even bother locking the door before he begins manhandling them. That's what you get when you send your kid to L.A. Unified.

Then, party girls Kissy Kapri and Jaelyn Fox are disciplined by their jailer, who has kindly let them share a cell and keep their potentially-deadly boots. (That's what you get when you send your kid to L.A. Unified.) So far, we can believe these insolent tartlets would refer to these 50-ish men as "geezers." But then:

41-year-old Alex Sanders is a cat burglar who surprises Kylee Reese. See where we're going here? Who's next? James Deen?

Nope, it's Evan Stone, who'll be 44 in July. 44. In what goddamn world does that make him an old geezer? Maybe if he said to his partner, Dakoda Brooks, "What kind of name is 'Dakoda'"" But he didn't.

Finally comes Steven St. Croix, whose 40th birthday was Sunday, and Renae Cruz.

A blind survey around the offices of Fleshbot West determined that a geezer was a man in his 60s. Maybe we don't want to see that guy having sex, and maybe "Early Middle-Age, Young Teasers" doesn't sound right, but Hell, if it keeps the ACLU from boycotting your porn...

· Fusxion (fusxion.com)
· Buy "Old Geezers, Young Teasers 2" (gamelink.com)

Harsh Realities: "She Is Half My Age"

Gram Ponante — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 18:15:23 EST

Naturally, we can only appreciate this from a sociological standpoint for we are, ourselves, no older than 23, but the naked truth of this title from director Brandon Iron, combined with the driver's license photos of all participants, throws harsh light on a simple fact: there will always be 18-year-olds arriving on the Southwest flight to Burbank's Bob Hope Airport from Las Vegas, Sky Harbor, and T.F. Green, or wherever 18-year-olds are bred, but porn dudes just get older.

Las Vegas transplant Faye Valentine has been in a handful of movies at this point. She was tempted into porn at a wedding. Luckily it was not hers.

Chavon Taylor accepts her fate with the indifference we have come to associate with people who know how juicy they are.

Paige Love is a little more accommodating.

Finally, it seems a little romance blossoms between 19-year-old Jaelyn Fox and her 54-year-old partner.

"My dad is 47," the Reagan-era baby says.

"I'll kick his ass," her partner replies, filled with the bravado of that generation born during Eisenhower's presidency.

· Buy "She Is Half My Age" (jerkoffzone.com)

Previously: Photoplay Archive