Taking a bath or a shower with a loved one has its pros and cons. Pro: Your partner can wash your body with increased care and dexterity. Con: Only certain bodyparts get attention from your partner (ever seen a booty shine like this one?). Also, something about hot water and clean towels always creates a situation where one person gets jizzed on. We don't know why, but it always happens.

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Sure, the handjob may seem a little worn out, but it's a timeless present! People have been giving each other (and themselves) these things for years, and not even Hallmark can step to that kind of tradition. If you really want to make it special: get naked! It's the little, personal touches that give a handmade gift meaning.

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Truth be told, this isn't the first time we've seen this kind of sensual suction in vintage porn, but it's one of the best. It makes us think that people in the olden days were much more intimate with their cleaning appliances. The next time you need to relieve some tension or feather your hair, look no further than the good ol' WetDry vacuum.

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Of course, given that we have eyes and all, we can tell for ourselves that Melrose is worthy of fixation, period. And believe you us...we are definitely fixated.

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It'd certainly make mowing the lawn vastly more interesting.

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Although if her head starts spinning around, definitely let us know. A cock-crazed girl with 360 degree head spin? Just imagine the possibilities...

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For one thing, this is an amateur fuck flick that actually gives credit to a director: Hughey Love, a Spanish Harlem-based amateur porn auteur. For another, this isn't just one couple going at it: in the span of a few minutes, we're introduced to three separate (and equally sexy) scenarios, a delicious buffet of amateur action.

We're not sure if this film is a complete work, or if it's meant to simply showcase Mr. Love's range as a director...but we're definitely feeling compelled to dig up a bit more of his oeuvre.

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It's not that Santa has a problem with masturbation, or feels threatened by a large, fake phallus, he's just very strict about only having elf-made toys in his home. As much as Mrs. Claus sympathizes, those tiny hands are better suited to making wooden trains than they are to satisfying a woman's needs.

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Even though this is only her second scene ever, she shows real potential (at least Tom Byron thinks so). Sure, she gets fatigued and a little dizzy at times, but she keeps going! We think she needs to control her chi better. She resists the penis too much; she needs to remain fluid, use the penis' energy against itself. This is the essence of fuck-jitsu.

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* * * * *

Previously: Rice, Toast, and "Unseasoned Players" Are Good For Digestion

Lucky for us (and Mr. Rosano), touching Bree doesn't cause you to explode in flames, there's only a slight melting sensation. You may also experience sweating, dizziness, weak knees, euphoria, and a sudden affinity for footjobs. We recommend not using heavy machinery during exposure to Bree. Unless you're using your computer to watch her, then you kind of can't help it.

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* * * * *

Previously: Reapplying Sunscreen Will Not Protect You From "Bree Exposed"

You can tell there's a great deal of trust between these two. Ass play isn't something you just casually pick up one day: it's a journey, an exploration you take with yourself, a friend, or maybe a group of friends. It's like Beyonce says, "If you like it then you should put a finger in it."

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Perhaps a subsidiary washing is in order? And then maybe another creampie? Sure, this clip is only about four minutes long, but you could loop it and all you would see is an endless cycle of cleaning and coming, cleaning and coming...

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And who better to include in such a buffet than 11 year veteran Jada Fire? No one, that's who (though we must admit, her costars are pretty impressive, too....).

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But whatever: clearly, the why is not important as the fact that this happened. And that it was caught on tape, uploaded to the internet, and streamed into our homes (and offices, for the naughty types).

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True, it still doesn't look like the most comfortable of ways to get off...but that girl does seem to be having fun...Maybe if we try it again, with our legs in a different position? Maybe?

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Not that we're surprised to learn she has one, mind you. We've seen how she runs her business—we know that girl knows how to take charge.

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*****

Previously: Tristan Taormino's "Rough Sex" Gets Us All Choked Up

Take this young lady for example. All she needs to be happy is a cozy bed, a couple well-licked fingers, and a camera. That's all! And if she really needs to step her game up, she just grabs a brush from the bedside table. It's important to have multi-use items lying around.

· Watch Me Orgasm (xtube.com)

· Watch "Midori's Expert Guide To Sensual Bondage" right now! (hotmovies.com)
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*****

Previously: Bound To Please: "Midori's Expert Guide To Sensual Bondage"