Fleshbot: straight, europorn

Aletta Ocean And Why "Slam"ming It Is Really The Only Option

Gram Ponante — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 11:30:01 EST

Aletta Ocean is a captivating Hungarian who will be 22 later this month. Prior to her boob job she almost looked wholesome, but now, with rhinestones ringing her 3-D nipples and thigh-high stockings, well, she sure doesn't.

And that is why Ocean adorns the cover of Gazzman's "Slam It! In A Filthy Fucker," a movie that begins with an impossible crane up the back of Ocean's legs, stopping at the first available Slamming entrance.

As I said, there is absolutely nothing wholesome and girl-next-door about Ocean in this getup. Were I to bring her home to my mother (I wouldn't), the latter would slap me across the face. "I'm not blind," my mother would say.

We have seen a post-augmentation Ocean in Private's "Fuck My Big Boobs" (yes, please) and "6 Sluts in Uniform Take it Up the Ass," but this scene, shot in available afternoon light on a wood floor, really gives credit to the title.

"Yes," you will say, "there is nothing to do but Slam It. Now I understand perfectly."

· Harmony UK (harmonyuk.com)
· Buy "Slam It! In A Filthy Fucker" (gamelink.com)

Your Euro XXXmas Goose: "A Fucking Christmas Dinner"

Gram Ponante — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 15:00:01 EST

Since I go home for the holidays, Private's team of leggy and melon-scented pornstresses gave me a ballseye view of how they celebrate Christ's birth on the continent - by fucking on the table. It truly is a wonderful life.

You know how when you do your missionary work in countries where they have never seen a Honda or television and they bring you local delicacies that you would never eat but you are doubly touched by the effort? This is how I felt when the gloriously nude Mandy Bright, playing "Mrs. Miller," somehow manifested a cellphone whilst applying jellies to her supple form, called her son while the latter was being blown in a car, and informed him to get home soon because "The Spencers" were coming over.

Their English is awful, but so much better than my Magyar would be, and in a way reduces anyone's go-to gripe about porn acting to nothing; all these people need to do is get from Point A to Point B (Point B being a double-anal creampie delivered within inches of a turkey) and, if some halting English makes these stunning Baltic beauties seem more human, then I have no problem.

I wish only that they would be as indulgent of me when I try to discuss "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" in their native tongue.

Well, the Spencers arrive but the only real eating is out, if you know what I mean. And I think you do. So while there isn't too much dinner in this movie, there sure is a lot of fucking. And that, I think, is the true meaning of Christmas.

· Private (private.com)
· Buy "A Fucking Christmas Dinner" (gamelink.com)

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Uniformed Euro-Sluts And Where They're Taking It

Gram Ponante — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 15:00:00 EST

Here's what we know: These sluts wear uniforms, take it in the ass, and there are six of them. I don't know what else you expected from "6 Sluts in Uniform Take It Up the Ass."

I am loving the Europorn lately because there is a refreshing lack of anyone saying "Muah" in it.

Not only that, but "6 Sluts in Uniform Take It Up the Ass" also really speaks to what I'm thinking now. High-heeled baton-licking prison guard? Recently on my mind. Cowgirl? Check. Nurse? Always.

But Readers, it's not so much the uniforms as the fact they are dispatched with, or at least folds of which parted, to allow access. And not just to the ass, but everywhere.

Again, I can't understand what everyone is saying, but I don't need to now that I know that, somewhere in the world, "6 Sluts in Uniform Take It Up the Ass."

· Private (private.com)
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Private Dicks (And Pussies): "Criminal Sex Investigation"

Gram Ponante — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 15:00:00 EST

Had enough of porn parodies? Not yet, Comrade. Imagine, if you will, an Eastern European porn adaptation of "CSI: Las Vegas" and you get the Private's porntastically unfathomable "Criminal Sex Investigation."

Criminal Sex Investigation

Studio: Private
Director: Antonio Adamo
Cast: Regina Moon, Viva Style, Alexa Bold, Carla Cox, Leah Lush, Denis Marti, Cristian David, Marco Nero, Mike Angelo

Review by: Gram Ponante

We have seen many of these beautiful (the women) and comically noirish (the guys) characters before in other Private movies, but what is fantastic about this outing (in addition to the hot Eurosex spawned by five weeks of vacation each year) is the stock footage of Vegas interpolated with both Eastern bloc interiors and performers, none of whom speaks English in a recognizable way.

You may say, "Oh, Grams, I'm not looking to have these performers anchor my high school speech and debate club; I just want to jack/jill off to them."

Well you do that.

We watch through flashbacks the last hours of a beautiful escort's life and follow a tough LVPD dick (Denis Marti) as he visits local haunts to solve her hot, fetishy Euro-murder.

Our detective is not above engaging in a double penetration to get the data he needs. Just so you know.

Nor is the movie afraid to tap into the 90's craze for techno treatments of Gregorian chants for background music, either.

While every death is a tragedy, "Criminal Sex Investigation" teaches us that the greatest purpose of life is to fuck a lot and leave a sexy corpse.

I'm going to get started right now!

· Private (private.com)
· Buy "Criminal Sex Investigation" (gamelink.com)

"Orgy At The Villa": Portuguese Poolside Poontang

Gram Ponante — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 11:30:01 EDT

When we see the hairless, lush pussy of a willing European barmaid presented to us as frankly as a UN resolution we wonder, "Why did we ever leave?"

Orgy at the Villa

Studio: Private
Director: Andrew Newman
Cast: Madison Parker, Simone Peach, Jasmyne Black, Mike Angelo, Natalli di Angelo, Kid Jamaica, Naomy, Sandy, Eve Angel, Zenza Raggi

Review by: Gram Ponante

When I received Private's "Orgy at the Villa," I assumed the venerable Barcelona-based porn giant was getting into the parody market and taking aim at Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi's flabby adulterous escapades. Luckily I was wrong.

Instead, this delightful Euroromp follows Mario, described in voiceover as a Chicago nightclub owner who turned state's witness (don't worry - this bit of subtext is never mentioned again) as he beds bartenders and exotic dancers in tandem with his Brazilian buddy Marcos in sunny Portugal.

I am not as familiar with Europe's porn talent as I am with America's resources. But I want to be.

As Mario and Marcos reunite at the latter's villa with their dates, we watch in fascination as the blonde who just sucked her own ass off Marcos' dick greets the couples' guests. Luckily it is in the European way, with kisses on the cheeks, rather than full on the mouth.

Mario takes a nap after his trip but his girlfriend greets Marcos for a tryst on the balcony. We get the sense that Mario wouldn't mind, as everyone knows there will be an orgy later anyway. And even though Marcos doesn't seem like the brightest bulb (after his guests have been at his villa for several minutes, he announces "this is my house!"), we understand implicitly that the two men have shared much in their lives.

And, as guests filter in with a voiceover describing their relationship with one another ("Eve left Marcos' huge cock for Sandy's plump pussy lips"), we are again reminded that socialized healthcare is not the only reason to live in Europe.

The voiceovers are charming. Private releases movies in several languages so we are happy for the effort, even if, narratively, we know that no backstory will matter if there's going to be a giant poolside fuckfest at the end of the movie (which there is).

A character is introduced later in the movie, Mike (the dramatis personae are not really made clear, but it is easy to tell from the credits that Marcos, the black guy, is Kid Jamaica, and Mario, who speaks with a Hungarian accent, is the multi-pseudonymned Zenza Raggi, so that the person identified by the voiceover as "Mike" must be the only other man listed in the credits: Mike Angelo. No one said reviewing porn was easy. Oh, someone did? Well it's not) who has the best job of the movie: he picks up a stunning large-breasted girl on the beach and takes her to the orgy at the villa. At press time I can't figure out who she is, but she is the type of woman who can box your ears with her breasts, like she was the porn version of Mr. Gower from "It's A Wonderful Life."

The characters thus assembled, each with his or her own backstory provided by a narratrix who may or may not be in the movie, the event described in the title happens after an awkward mimosa toast. Poolside, on lounges, with high heels, drinks in hand, they fuck, and fuck, and fuck.

I don't know what else to say about this movie other than I believed it. I think this actually happened. If only Silvio Berlusconi could have been there.

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Veronica Lake: Out Of The "Ashes to Ashes"

Gram Ponante — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 17:00:00 EDT

Where is the troubled, sin-compelled pornstress Veronika Lake now? In the re-released porn-noir "Ashes to Ashes," she plays a femme fatale obsessed as much with Five Copious Loads as she is with Seven Deadly Sins.

Ashes to Ashes: Lust to Dust

Studio: Viv Thomas
Director: John Chalk
Cast: Veronika Lake, Sandra Russo, Mili Jay, Rita Neri, George Uhl, Robert Rosenberg

Review by: Gram Ponante

The first surprising thing about "Ashes to Ashes" is that it is a porn noir with an Irish voiceover, like "Miller's Crossing" if the whole movie had taken place in that bathroom.

But this Playboy TV series, featuring the Czech porn dude George Uhl as private dick John Ash (Uhl doesn't speak in the movie - another actor overdubs his thoughts) is just the sort of thing for people who claim they watch porn for the stories.

Ash is on the case of Veronika Lake, who each morning wakes up with a page from the "Book of Sins" stuffed in her pocket. These are the Seven Deadly Sins we're all intimately familiar with, except they have new and exclusive packaging away from the source volume, like if you carried a mini-dictionary around that just had the Rs.

Lake is compelled to act on these sins so, for example, she is driven to masturbate with a dildo when her page of the day is Vanity. (Some of us don't need books.)

And Ash and friends follow Lake through porn versions of Gluttony (milk poured on her) and Envy (a twosome becomes a threesome), waiting to be included in the final sin of Lust but, true to its noir intentions (and admirably so, for porn), Ash only gets the girl in a dream sequence.

Presented in repetitive snippets that betray its television roots, "Ashes to Ashes," originally released in a softcore version in 2003, is primarily a showcase for the stunning and ripe Veronika Lake who. to quote a fortune cookie, would be welcome in any gathering.

Another surprise is that Lake, who also went by Veronica Lake, Jewel, and Veronica Sage, is a California girl from sunny Van Nuys. Her IAFD listing drops off around 1998, when she was 25, and then picks up with this movie which, depending on where you look, came out anywhere from between 2003 and 2005. I suspect the original XX movie ran on Spice in the late 1990s and just came out in various DVD editions, the latest from Viv Thomas, which specializes in The Glamorous Ones.

No matter what year this movie came out, or what name the girl from Van Nuys goes by, it is worth a look for Veronika Lake, for whom no sin would be asking too much.

· Buy "Ashes to Ashes" (vivthomas.com)

Cindy Hope Is "Fresh", Among Other Things

DCypher — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 19:55:11 EDT

Much as in that "Highlander" movie, European smut directors are in a constant battle to be crowned the reigning king of filthy, perverted sex. Which is why they're constantly on the lookout for their next big starlet, the girl that will propel them and their cinematic vehicles to new heights of megastardom. And what exactly qualifies an up-and-coming adult film actress to fulfill this weighty obligation? Well, an elastic sense of personal boundaries is important, along with a willingness to try new things with new people and a lack of a gag reflex. Veteran French director Christoph Clark thinks he may just have found the perfect specimen in his latest protégé Cindy Hope ... and from what we've seen of Cindy so far, we're inclined to agree.

Which is why we both understand and are a little perplexed by the title of this, her showcase title. On the one hand, "Cindy Hope Is Fresh On Cock" conveys both her novelty and raw sexual appeal. On the other hand ... well, surely we're not the only ones who think it sounds really awkward, almost like it was translated from the Bulgarian or something. Who uses the expression "Fresh on Cock" (or anything else) anyway?

But we digress. The film features Cindy and her costars Anita Pearl, Simony Diamond, and Cassy in epic Euro-style fucking action—which is not entirely unlike American-style fucking action, except that it seems harder and more epic since they are measured using the metric system.

According to Mr. Clark, "This is her very first movie ... She told me she wanted to do it with class, and without anal. I said to her, 'Your wish will be mine.' But my fans will see that Cindy really feels the sex!" Feel the class, the sex, and everything else in our exclusive preview gallery below.

• "Cindy Hope Is Fresh On Cock" (DVD info + trailers @ evilangel.com)

Barcelona International Erotic Film Festival Goes To ... Madrid?

Richard X. — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 08:25:25 EDT

Heads up, international porn fans: the Barcelona International Erotic Film Festival (FICEB) will be taking place this weekend—though for reasons that are unclear to us, it will be held in Madrid. (¡Que loco!) Alas, with gas prices and airline tickets and the US dollar being what they are, we're going to be missing out on the fun ... and from the list of porn celebrities in attendance (Sylvia Saint! Nacho Vidal!) it looks like there's going to be a lot of fun. Anyone want to be our unofficial correspondent? We'll even send you a Fleshbot paint-by-numbers press badge that may or may not get you anywhere! (ficeb.com)

Checking In To John Chalk's "Hotel Fetish"

Gram Ponante — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 10:43:05 EDT

Following my first AVN convention in 2003, I tried to stay at every Vagabond Inn in the country and found each had the same delightful old man/hooker or old man who is a hooker smell as the one in Las Vegas. So you could say that I, too, had a hotel fetish. (Ed. note: As opposed to a Motel Fetish, which presumably involves stalking Dita Von Teese around the country and plucking stray hairs out of the bathtubs in the rooms she stays in?)

But it is not the same as that of John Chalk, for whom "Fetish" is the name of the hotel, rather than the hotel as object of his obsession. Even if it were, he'd probably find a place to put some Euro-lesbians in it, because he works for Viv Thomas.

Director Chalk took the story of the former Soviet Union's "Hotel Fetish," a bordello for the service of KGB agents and dignitaries, and put together "reconstructions" of some of those gentlemen's favorite turnons.

I hate to say it, but the Nazis were kinkier. According to the revelations in this movie, the KGB were more into voyeurism, lingerie, first-time lesbians, and putting whipped cream on their parts, just like the Bogue Chitto Sheriff's Department. No wonder the Wall fell; theirs was such a softcore world.

But the setup is a good one. Whether or not the shaded women speaking Russian and Magyar were actually former prostitutes is irrelevant because the framing device is pretty effective. They also are sure to say they loved their jobs so as not to seem exploited.

· Viv Thomas (vivthomas.com)
· Order "Hotel Fetish" (vivthomas.com)