Flight Attendants

Studio: X-Play/Adam & Eve
Director: Will Ryder
Cast: Kayden Kross, Evan Stone, Hillary Scott, Teagan Presley, Sunny Lane, Eva Angelina, Misty Stone, Shyla Stylez, Kacey Jordan, Lexi Love, Michelle Maylene, Randy Spears, James Bartholet, Eric John, Jack Lawrence, Eric Swiss, Thomas Ward, Brad Hardy, Kenzi Marie, Chastity Lynn, Farrah Foxx, Dino Bravo, Barry Scott

Review by: Gram Ponante

X-Play's newest film (following last week's "Monday Night Football") continues the company's diversification into porn comedies that aren't based on a particular show. This one draws broadly from "Airplane!" with a healthy dose of Jim Holliday's ensemble pornos of the 90's (Holliday gets namechecked in the movie) as well as Digital Playground's recent successes in occupational porn, "Cheerleaders," "Babysitters," "Nurses," and "Teachers."

A co-production with Adam & Eve like last year's Zero Tolerance/A&E matchup "Rollerdollz," "Flight Attendants" tries so hard to please that it collapses with the effort. Such a large cast means not enough room for everyone to shine, and the story is so needlessly convoluted that you will actually become stupider while watching it.

Q. But Grams, surely you're not saying that you would fault a porn movie for a poorly-executed story. Isn't sex all that matters?
A. While sex is all that matters, at least at this point in our lives, you should probably just buy ten copies of "Flight Attendants," watch each one, and feel your IQ drop by ten points each time. Then you will be this movie's target audience, and will support X-Play's future filmic endeavors.

Multiple uses of flashbacks and dream sequences are neither effective nor funny, the theme song is grating, and the numerous gay and black/urban poor jokes made by and at the expense of performer James Bartholet and openly black performer Misty Stone try too hard to be outrageous and fall flat. It was often amazing how "Flight Attendants" made two subjects that are normally hilarious - race and sexual orientation - unfunny while trying to be "broad."

Speaking of broad, let's talk about the sex.

X-Play has assembled an all-star cast and we slog through way too much plot before any cast members commence to fucking. While there are standout scenes between Shyla Stylez and Randy Spears, the newly-returned Hillary Scott and Barry Scott (no relation), and Kayden Kross and Evan Stone, we don't see nearly enough of Sunny Lane, Eva Angelina, Teagan Presley, or Lexi Love. And, in an industry where people don't need much of an excuse to have sex, "Flight Attendants" manages to strain credulity.

I think X-Play in particular and parodies in general need to take a vacation.

We know the recent difficulty of making money in porn, and part of the current marketing strategy involves having numerous products on the shelves. X-Play is also playing two sides of the field by releasing movies through distributors Adam & Eve as well as Hustler. But it seems that a company that can make such note-perfect parodies like "Not Married with Children" and "Not the Cosby Show" may have extended its reach this time; "Flight Attendants" did not need to be bad.

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Not Married with Children XXX

Studio: XPlay
Director: Will Ryder
Cast: Eric Swiss, Brittany O'Connell, Kagney Linn Karter, Dino Bravo, Dane Cross, India Summer, Brad Hardy, Madison Scott, Brooke Belle, Alyssa Hall, Emy Reyes, Reno, Kora Cummings, Payton Leigh, Barrett Blade, Nick Manning

Review by: Gram Ponante

"Not Married with Children XXX" is just about the perfect porn parody in that all the things you found frustrating about the 90's-era Fox show on which it is based (Christina Applegate not getting naked, a certain curiosity about the nakedness of Katey Sagal) come miraculously to pass in its dirty adaptation.

Kagney Linn Karter, Brittany O'Connell, and especially Eric Swiss are perfectly cast as Kelly, Peg, and Al Bundy, respectively, and the source material that for many typified all that was bad about the newish Fox Network ("The Simpsons" parodied "Married with Children" by showing Al Bundy flushing a toilet to a laugh track) actually works in a porn setting.

Eric Swiss as Al Bundy is pretty amazing. He looks genuinely slovenly and one-ups last month's "Not the Cosbys XXX" star Thomas Ward in that he actually has sex. But both are spot-on impersonations and, like "Cosby," "Not Married with Children XXX" features a script that is just as good (or bad) as the original.

As adept as screenwriter Jeff Mullen has become at aping sitcom dialogue, co-producer Scott David admirably recreates the "Married with Children" set, and is especially accurate with the costumes for the Bundy family. Kagney Linn Karter, for example, looks every bit the approachable whore that Christina Applegate's Kelly was.

The plot concerns Al's attempt to become king of his shoe store, Bud (Dane Cross)'s marginalization in the family, and Kelly's dalliances with the wrong kind of men. In other words, this is a plot and script that would have been perfect for the Ed O'Neill version.

Some of the mainstream programs the Porno-Industrial Complex is choosing to parody are so obscure (and, just as often, unknown to the teenagers performing in them) that it's a possibility that a broadcast network show could be developed from the cleaned up porn parody of a forgotten 90's sitcom. If Fox picked up 22 episodes of "Not Married with Children XXX," I would watch it.

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Based solely on the trailer above, we're thinking this looks pretty promising: Eric Swiss makes an excellent Al Bundy (and, since it's Eric Swiss, we presume he's an Al Bundy who'll actually fuck), and the rest of the cast is pretty spot on.

We have no idea what's up with the music, though. (Seriously, who thought that was a good idea?)

· "Not Married With Children XXX" (notmarriedwithchildrenxxx.com)

This Ain't the Partridge Family XXX

Studio: Hustler
Director: Will Ryder
Cast: Nick Manning, Sinclair, Tori Black, Faye Reagan, Payton Leigh, Scott Lyons, James Bartholet, Madison Scott, Jaclyn Case, Sarah Jessie, Shawna Lenee, Kristina Rose, Dane Cross, Eric Swiss, and Kris Slater

Review by: Gram Ponante

Now that the porn DVD market has been thrown a lifeline by the "Not the - ," "This Ain't the -," and " - XXX" parodies, it has been interesting to watch how some of them try harder than others. "This Ain't the Partridge Family XXX" is really good, and it owes its success to its producers and cast not coasting on a few token set pieces and costumes to cash in.

Keith (Nick Manning in probably his most non-ironic performance ever) is feeling down. A terrible sense of ennui has sapped him of both his songwriting ability and his ability to get dates. His know-it-all brother Danny (Sinclair) finds an aphrodisiac oin the back of a magazine and hilarity ensues as each member of the family reaps the sexual rewards of the elixir.

All except Keith, who holds out because he's worried about his hair.

While the occasions for sex might be as contrived as the plot of a 70's TV show, that this is a parody of a 70's TV show makes the contrivances organic and fun. In fact, what makes this porn movie so enjoyable is the sense of fun throughout the scenes. Laurie (Tori Black), has the following conversation with Eric Swiss:

"Do you have any rubbers?" she asks.

"No, I don't think I have," he says. And Laurie waits half a moment before saying:

"Just don't come inside me."

And the family band is just as good/bad as it was in the original, with each member lip-synching badly at the same time they are overemoting. You might say this is pornic incompetence masquerading as artistic choice, but this isn't Eon McKai: director Will Ryder really studied the original show and the same corny humor and lightheartedness are just as at home in a porn setting.

Faye Reagan is adorable in her scene with Dane Cross and James Bartholet as Ruben might be the Charles Nelson Reilly of porn acting.

When Keith finally gives in to enhancement drugs he comes back with a vengeance, all over Shawna Lenee and two girlfriends, in fact.

He does not say "Dropping loads," however, depriving the movie's money shot of Manning's standard money shot-within-a-money shot. But I guess he refrained because the Good of the Project demanded something different of him.

But Shawna Lenee, who looks like a standard-issue blondie porn star but to her credit neither talks nor acts like one - it's like she's a dark horse behind that Clorox and silicone - has one of the best lines in the movie:

"Come for us, Keith!"

Thus the plot resolves itself and Keith learns some things in the process.

"Songwriting comes from my heart," he says. "And the reason chicks are attracted to me is because I play guitar and have great hair."

That a viewer will watch this movie actively rooting for the characters to have sex - and be rewarded - seems like a great recommendation for a porn flick.

· Hustler (Hustler.com)
· Buy "This Ain't the Partridge Family XXX" (gamelink.com)

Slave 01

At first, all we hear above the Blackness is the dragging of a chain, as if Marley's Ghost has returned to the attic of the Cenobites. We are filled with unease. Master Eric wakes at 8 a.m. in his Porn Valley home and, without pausing to dress, wash, or gargle, pads downstairs to the hall closet, whip in hand, where a bound Moxxie has been placed for safekeeping.

This is "Slave 01," a feel-good snapshot of suburban domination and submission, using easy-to-find household products.

Maddron would look good no matter what she was wearing or not wearing, but here she is dolled up in bondage drag with eye mask, hoop earrings, and handcuffs. Eric relaxes some of these restraints so that she may give him a percussive blowjob in the downstairs bathroom.

"There's a good fucking little whore," says Eric.

Already director Ramone, a former editor of adult trade industry magazine AVN, is subverting our idea of the D/s relationship: Who would've imagined carpeting?

Then Eric bids Maddron lick the toilet. If this is what happens before 9 a.m., we can imagine what will happen by suppertime.

And indeed the day is broken into time-stamped title cards. At noon is a dildo session on the granite countertop, and at 4 we are told that "slave" (always in minuscule) will get the privilege of feasting on Master's asshole. Unfortunately, 4 p.m. is naptime for us, so we skipped that part.

We return at 7 to see that slave is to offer her "filthy, smelly pussy" to Master and are further told that it is irrelevant if she gets any pleasure from it. Yet there she is stimulating herself as he fucks her. Sneaky slave! No sequel for you!

Something happens at 10 p.m. that will make you reconsider what the Lions Club was cooking the hot dogs in at that Motocross event last summer.

Finally, at midnight, slave is placed back in her closet. We wonder what she ate or if she voided her bowels or returned e-mails at all during the day. It is not ours to know.

If the depredations visited upon Maddron in "Slave 01" are not your style, if you do not like the "filthy whore" school of pornography, then this movie is not for you. There is nothing lighthearted about it. But if you find the idea of lifestyle BDSM, with its rules, rigging, and rigidity the slightest bit compelling, then this movie is a straightforward, thoughtful, and rulebound effort.

(For example, we don't see Swiss' face until the end, and the camera always lingers on Maddron after every interlude as Swiss leaves her alone, perhaps to reflect on how good she's got it.)

And if not compelling, then at the least campy. The title cards could have used some editing, but Ramone is a director now and can't cater to the whims of reviewers. The bits of interstitial text seem like great alternate directions for a bachelorette party or Easter Egg Hunt.

Studio: JM Productions
Director: Mike Ramone
Cast: Eric Swiss, Moxxie Maddron

Review by: Gram Ponante

· JM Productions (jerkoffzone.com)
· Buy "Slave 01" (jerkoffzone.com)