I must admit that when I first encountered the Fling, I was full of doubt. Would a wooden dildo actually feel good? Would I be able to sterilize it? Would it warp when I washed it? Would I get splinters in my cooch?

But within mere moments of insertion, all my doubts went away. To put it simply, this dildo feels really fucking good. Wide at the top, with a thin stem that leads into a nicely positioned handle, the Fling manages to make you feel pleasantly full while avoiding any painful "stretched out" sensations. Though insertion can a little difficult, and requires some lube, when the Fling actually makes it inside it's well worth it.

(A tip for experienced fappers: once you have the Fling comfortably inserted, try rotating it 180 degrees. Surprise! You've just entered a whole new world of sensation. You can thank me later.)

As an added bonus to its awesome functionality, the Fling's beautiful form makes it a definite contender for the Discreet Sex Toy award: to those who aren't in the know, it looks like a carved wooden objet d'art. So if you forget to stow it away, no one will be the wiser. (Unless carved wooden hippie art isn't your style. Then you might find yourself faced with a few questions.)

The Fling is coated in Lubrosity, a trademarked finish that's chemical/bacteria-resistant, waterproof, hypoallergenic, and phthalate-free. Translation: it can be sterilized (wash it well or use an antiseptic cleaner), is shower friendly, and probably won't give you cancer. It also happens to be compatible with all types of lubricant. Score one for old fashioned materials!

· Buy the Fling (babeland.com)

The makers of the Jildo dildo are quick to point out—as well as they should—that despite what you may think, splinters are not an issue. Once that worry is out of the way, you can start to seriously consider adding a handmade wooden dildo to your sex toy cabinet. Sure, it doesn't light up or vibrate or sing your favorite songs to you, but it will give you that peaceful feeling that comes from getting "back to nature." People have been sticking wooden toys inside themselves for centuries, you know, and the Jildo is a simply throwback to those days of yore when just about any tree branch would do. They're unique, stylish and best of all, they never need batteries, which will come in quite handy after the collapse of the global economy leaves humanity scrounging for survival in darkened underground caves. When that day arrives, at least you'll have something to keep you busy.

· Jildos (woodpeckersroost.com)

Previously: Vortex Vibrations: Vacuuming Your Way To A Better Orgasm, Hot Hexadecimal Dildo Porn: Digg This!, OhMiBod's BodiTalk: Reach Out And Fuck Someone, How To: Recycle Your Sex Toys, When Dildos Go Bad, 100,000 Years of Sex, Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive

Obviously, we've been crushing on Keeley Hazell pretty hard for a while now (maybe you noticed?), but after hearing this latest news about our favorite Page Three girl of all time we think we just might be in love for real: not only is she beautiful and buxom and has that adorable accent, she is singlehandedly going to save the planet! If you don't believe us, just ask UK Conservative Party leader David Cameron, who recently named Keeley one of his top 10 "environment heroes"—alongside such notables as Sir David Attenborough, Prince Charles, and Mr. Global Warming himself, Al Gore—thanks to her brave stand on energy consumption that was published in The Sun (next to one of her trademark topless photo, natch) last fall. She's also traded in her car for a high-mileage scooter, buys only organic food, and lights her apartment exclusively with energy-saving bulbs when not enforcing her nighttime "candlelight-only" policy. (Rowr!) Her boobs aren't just spectacular to look at, they're a force for good—and we know that as long as the planet is clutched tightly to Keeley's caring breast, then Mother Earth is well protected indeed.

· "Page Three Girl becomes face of green movement" (independent.co.uk - thanks Ian)
· Green Week: Keeley Hazell's ten green tips (thesun.co.uk, 10/06)

Previously: How To Buy A Green Sex Toy, More Fucking for Forest, pFARM: Biotech Fetish Farming, Happy Earth Day, Fleshbot's Exhaustive Keeley Hazell Coverage