You see, in this story, Julia Anderson and her husband wreck the car, and while the hubby walks away unscathed, Julia is mangled and burnt, although still alive. So while her husband dilly-dallies in his decision to pull her plug or prolong her suffering, she haunts the crap out of him. Anyway, none of this important. If you happen to see her breast melt during the last couple seconds, don't worry. Just forget it.

· "Masters of Horror" Right to Die (2007) (imdb.com)
· Julia Anderson :: Masters Of Horror s02e09 (deepatseavideos.blogspot.com)

KST (because we're into abbrevs today) is no stranger to on-screen nudity. Who can forget her impeccable bedside manner in "The English Patient"? We can't. And while "Partir" may not be as monumental as some of her other films ("Confessions of a Shopaholic" anyone?), it still reps that classic KST sensuality.

· "Partir" (2009) (imdb.com)
· Kristin Scott Thomas :: Partir (deepatseavideos.blogspot.com)

Truth be told, it pales in comparison to the show—as far as nudity and orgasms go—but it still has its charm. Really, how many times have you seen Don Cheadle interrupt sex to talk to his mom on the phone? How many times has Don Cheadle come up on this website anyway? Twice. We just checked.

· "Crash" (2004/I) (imdb.com)
· Crash (2004) (celebcap.net)

* * * * *

Previously: Fleshbot Babes Archive

In fact, my first ever paddle was one of those OUCH paddles, which I saw as both functional and amusing—the idea of an ass literally saying ouch after a good spanking was just too excellent to resist.

In that spirit, I was quite intrigued by the Heart Crop—which, with it's pretty little heart-shaped tip, looks more like a fairy princess wand than an implement of pain. In other words, it looked exactly my speed.

Serious kinksters might be tempted to write the Heart Crop off as a beginner's toy (after all, it's got a heart on it), but I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was able to conduct a good deal of thwack when wielded properly—and at the end of my session with it, my heartshaped bottom was now a heartstudded bottom; and one that was pleasantly sore, to boot.

· Buy the Heart Crop (babeland.com)

Science has proven what your mothers have been telling you all along: Drugs Are Bad. Researchers at the University of Bari, in Italy, completed a study showing that MDMA impaired rats' ability to copulate, though loud music stimulated the rats to get it on. Despite the stimulating effect of the bumping techno, the deleterious effect that the drug had on the rats' boners made them less sexually efficient than if they had, say, stayed home and watched tv and done it on the couch.

Here is where we come to the moral of the story. The bass from those big speakers might feel really fucking good, but if you plan on banging some nubile glowstick-toting chick in neon, you'd best leave the happy pills out of the equation.

. . .

Image courtesy of spookycash. (spookycash.com)

We hope Katsuni knows that deep down, she is not the only Sexual Freak. Seriously, look around—Teagan is a Sexual Freak. Shay Jordan is a Sexual Freak, Sophia Santi is a Sexual Freak. Stoya, Audrey Bitoni, Lacie Heart—all Sexual Freaks. Wouldn’t it be nice if they could all get together and just feel normal? Can’t you imagine Digital Playground’s new line of films, starting with "Jesse Jane(TM): Well-Adjusted Secure Girl" (a celeste punt)?

· Digital Playground (www.DigitalPlayground.com)
· Buy "Sexual Freak 10 - Katsuni" (gamelink.com)

· Lela Star sucks and swallows four big cocks (pornhub.com)

. . .

Out of 900 porn stars, the following numbers would do the things listed below:

Solo: 875

Girl/Girl: 804

Boy/Girl: 770

Boy/Boy/Girl: 571

Fetish: 569

Blowjob: 542

Softcore: 393

Interracial: 375

Boy/Girl/Girl: 358

Swallow: 318

Toys: 291

Anal: 242

Girl/Girl/Anal: 233

Bondage: 220

Handjob: 174

Double Penetration: 151

Creampie: 146

Orgy: 137

Gangbang: 125

Blowbang: 80

Squirting: 75

Smokes: 62

Foot Job: 55

ATM: 46

Bukkake: 36

Double Vaginal: 28

Boy/Boy/Girl/Anal: 12

Boy/Girl/Girl/Anal: 12

Acting: 11

Double Anal: 4

· Source: What Will Porn Actresses Do? (thedeets.com)
· Images via Ask Jolene

· Who is Natasha Hamilton? She probably sings or something, but let's face it ... topless beach pictures are the real music to our ears. Or eyes. Whatever. (drunkenstepfather.com)

· The Brazilian soccer community is up in arms over the news that a female referee will pose for Playboy. We're shocked too—Brazilian soccer has female referees? (news.com.au)

· Finally, here's one airline confirmation code you'll never have to write down. (Boing Boing)

· Rooftop sex sounds exciting, but please take precautions or you'll end up like this unfortunate couple. (Classy headline by the way, Boston Herald.) (wistv.com + bostonherald.com)

· Why would China possibly want to censor Flickr? Oh, right ... that whole Tiananmen Square thing. (cnn.com)

· Searching for porn is no longer a ticket to a computer infected with malware. Searching for unicorns? You're on your own. (informationweek.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

"Darling," says the Fumar/No Fumar scofflaw and Fleshbot contributrix Audacia Ray, "I need something for my oral fixation."

Welcome to the fourth installment of Benny Profane's DIY porn "Psychocandy", in which women Benny thinks are cute get invited to his house when funds allow, Rilke is quoted, and Transformers are fetishized as much as the usual suspects. Read our review after the gap.
- Gram Ponante

- - -

Psychocandy 4

Studio: Pirate Booty Productions
Director: Benny Profane
Cast: Profane, Audacia Ray, Caroline Pierce, Zoe Matthews, Sexy Lexi

Review by: - Gram Ponante

Watching a Benny Profane movie is like patronizing a Mom & Pop(shot) store; there's things in there you won't find anywhere else, but you have to get used to the fact that everything isn't where you expect it.

For those of you who've wondered how sex bloggers do it, wait no longer. East Coast intellectual Audacia Ray stops by Profane's place and she fucks him, Viagra-free, with her glasses on and her hair in her trademark sensible bun array. She's pale and full-figured by porn standards and there is a reason why this publication chose her as one of its top ten hotties last year.

The final shot of their scene made me vaguely uncomfortable in the way all gratuitous cum-consumption shots do; after the popshot, well framed on Ray's belly, the camera edges in closer and closer until all we see is a viscous, bulby landscape of pubes and semen. What is Profane trying to tell us?

"The Plasma Twins", a section featuring Profane and an uncharacteristically brunette Zoe Matthews, is notable not only for its "Bolero" soundtrack but also for Matthews'distinct resemblance to the missing porn llnk. She looks partly like the proto-Eon McKai steveporn model but partly like a real-live girl. She wears fishnets and heels, sure, but maybe it's dress-up day at the Costco where she works.

This scene is particularly poignant. It is the oldest of the scenes and is the least practiced. There's a lot of laughing from both performers.

Caroline Pierce's "Geisha Mermaid" scene was shot around the time she appeared in Profane's VCA movie "Barbed Wire Kiss". Aside from the lack of themes of heroin use and the Tarot, this scene might have been part of "Barbed Wire Kiss" - it was shot by the same camera person, too.

Except in "Psychocandy 4" Pierce and Profane seem to be enjoying themselves more. There's more hugging going on. Pierce smiles a lot. What's refreshing about the movie thus far is that the only person who does any sort of porn star mugging is, of all people, Audacia Ray, who hadn't performed in a porn scene before.

Throughout the movie, which was filmed over two years, there are random mid-scene lighting adjustments and camera flashes. As Profane appears to prefer women whose pallor matches his own, there is also an occasional problem with these whities and ovexposure.

This didn't matter to me; I think it made them all look like angels.

The final, Moria-themed scene, moved to a second disc due to the longer-than-standard duration of each of the previous vignettes, features Sexy Lexi. Lexi is like all the female performers on the previous disc Brundlefly'd together. She is pale, heavier than porn standard, bespectacled, and tattoed. Her tattoo? A horsie. There's also a butterfly.

Lexi's scene is anticlimactic, however, in that it lacks the fun of other pairings. Bonus scenes with each of the girls, mostly shot in Profane's kitchen, are all about the director worshiping his castmates.

In addition to his website, Profane sells these movies out of the back of his car. They are like folk art. Let's hope enough people support their local pornographer so that the next "Psychocandy" doesn't take two more years to arrive.

· Profane Pirate (profanepirate.com)

Previously: "Psychocandy 4" Preview, Porn Valley Dispatch Archive

When the Private bundle arrived I was prepared for a certain kind of inscrutability. Foreign porn dubbed into "American" English, featuring performers whose lifestyle is different from the people who live down the street from me, with a wacky sensibility out of step with the too-cool and mercenary aspects of Porn Valley Porn.

It would be just like watching "Teletubbies".

Read a review of the "Charlie's Angels" porn spoof "Sex Angels 2" after the gap. - G. Ponante

***

Sex Angels 2

Studio: Private
Director: Xavi Dominguez
Cast: Liliane Tiger, Mya Diamond Tiffany Hopkins, Sonia Baby

Review by: - G. Ponante

Private's penchant for making porn out of mainstream movies is part of a formula that has allowed the Barcelona company to stay around for four decades, that and bigger budgets and beautiful models.

The concept of three hot crimefightin' babes is enough of a peg to hang a porn script on, and director Dominguez makes a nice effort to create an original "Charlie's Angels"-type story, with Liliane Tiger playing the Cameron Diaz part. That the plot is very hard to follow and centers on how cute the principals are should be no surprise to anyone who has watched either the Aaron Spelling TV show or the movies.

Tiger is lovely and amazing, with a blonde wholesome look. I turned the sounnd down when the dubbing got too ridiculous. Co-stars Sonia Baby (who appears to fly a helicopter), Tiffany Hopkins, and Mya Diamond all have a healthy look about them, as if they go running in the morning, smoke cigarettes, film some porn, and drink a lot of water.

Oh. They also solve crimes using sex. Because they're sex angels.

While the movie is formulaic in its dependence on something its audience is already familiar with, I always find myself discombobulated when the sequence of events doesn't follow the standard blowjob+two positions+anal+popshot I'm comfortable with in my daily life.

"They're Europeans," I remind myself. "They also buy movie tickets with their cell phones."

Not so discombobulated that I couldn't watch Liliane Tiger anymore, though.

· Private (private.com)
· Buy "Sex Angels 2" (adultdvdempire.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive

A couple looking to "spice up a fizzling marriage". A friend with a camera. The Internet. Arizona. What could possibly go wrong?

Plenty, as it turns out. Read our review of "Couples Seduce Teens 3" after the gap. - Gram Ponante

***

Studio: Pink Visual
Director: Rico Montana
Cast: Misty, Emma, Jeanie, Shasta

Review by: - Gram Ponante

Before popping in this disc I was worried that the "couples" in question would not be real, or that they would be not much older than teens themselves. Turns out I needn't have worried. From scene one it was apparent that the couple on the prowl for an Internet teen (she a sculpted, deep-voiced woman and he a wise-crackin' good old boy with love handles) were both married and twice the age of their prey.

The word "seduce" is really overused in adult content, because everything is planned out. If seduction happens, it's by accident; the money has been agreed on and, more important, the cast has seen everyone's HIV test.

But as the first couple made its way to an Arizona mall, friend with camera in the back seat of the car, it appeared more and more that this was actually happening. At that point I got a little scared. These people were going to pick up a girl that the wife had met over the Internet. The girl, Shasta, did not know the husband was coming and certainly didn't know there'd be a camera there.

We watch the tense negotiation before the young woman gets in the car. It's not just the lack of a smoke machine and porn heels that makes this look real.

And it continues to look real, with most sticking points explained away (continued presence of a camera), until the fucking happens. The husband goes from his wife to the young woman, back and forth, without a condom. I relaxed. It waasn't real, but it looked real enough. These people were professionals (although the wife really needed to go to a different tanning salon).

(And of course the guy pulled out to come on her waiting face.)

(And the young woman's name was Shasta.)

The remaining three scenes didn't spend so much time on exposition, and featured a pornier-looking couple. Where did Couple One go? It is as if they had been kicked off Swinger Island.

In the remaining scenes, the feeling of watching something potentially awkward and sexy transpire in real time gave way to the realization that the cast should hurry up and stop pretending they'd just seduced each other. When I seduced you, did I leave on all the lights in the motel room? No I didn't. Because I care about you, baby.

Natural-breasted Misty from scene three was my favorite, but if my wife and I decide to go seduce a teen, we're gonna stay away from Arizona.

· Pink Visual (pinkvisual.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive

From our exploration of men slapping women earlier this week we skip lightly to NinnWorx' stylized "Pushed: Cat Fight", in which women slap each other for a change.

While the movie started off as high-gloss, sterile, and vaguely misanthropic—reminiscent of Ninn's "Catherine"—it really paid off in the end (not that we have any problem with misanthropy). Read our review after the gap. - G. Ponante

- - -

Studio: NinnWorx
Director: Michael Ninn
Cast: Hillary Scott, Adriana Nicole, Annette Schwarz, Tyla Wynn, Roxetta, Nikki Hunter, Otto Bauer, Marco, Dirty Harry

Review by G. Ponante

"Are you gonna let her get away with treating her ass like that?" asks Nikki Hunter of a game catfight between Alicia Rhodes and Hillary Scott, a British blonde paired with Chicago's Finest.

Why Hunter serves as emcee rather than participant is beyond me, especially since the ring announcer's role in this movie serves no purpose except to make the scenes louder. But this scene is the first of several studies in Pretty Girl SM-lite in which bruiseless, squealy, stage-moan slapping is paired with Dirty Talk 101. And the cast is adept at it.

Otto Bauer uselessly moderates a much more compelling scene between German Annette Schwarz and Adriana Nicole. Both stand about six feet in heels, and we get to hear Schwarz call Nicole an American Bitch.

Meanwhile Bauer drops bons mots like, "Do it. Do it. Do her. Do it."

I believe Bauer is director Ninn's on-screen proxy in the same way lead actors have of late fulfilled that role in Woody Allen's movies.

Just as in the first scene, the ladies are joined by male performer Marco after they are done slapping each other. He does not slap them.

When all seems destined to fade into a by-the-book but intriguing sameness, along comes Scene Three, a blue-lit hallway slamfest evocative of a similar sequence in "Altered States". Except this one has Tyla Wynn and Roxetta in it, both of whom perform their duties lustily.

Voyeur Dirty Harry appears and is not averse to being roughed up himself. This is a very taut, hot scene. I should start an awards show just to recognize it.

The behind the scenes footage is itself very slick and compelling, like the sexiest music video you've ever seen (aside from that Duran Duran video).

· NinnWorx (ninnworx.com)
· Order: "Pushed: Cat Fight Volume 1" (adultdvdempire.com)

Website-to-DVD transitions don't really pull punches. The sets are spare and we don't spend too much time worrying about context. Still, Naughty America, in its exploration of workplace relationships in offices where people don't wear underpants, at least makes a case for the existence of an outside world in which people don't sit around and blog all day.

I was not aware of such a place. Read our review after the gap. - G. Ponante

- - -

Naughty Office

Studio: Naughty America
Director: Brett Brando
Cast: Tyra Banxxx, Carmella Bing, Taryn Thomas, Dillan Lauren, Holly Black

Review by: - G. Ponante

***
I don't know what-all the company provided or produced that would hire the whippet-muscled Tyra Banxxx to supervise employees, but in her scene (apparently her first onscreen anal endeavor) with a male underling, she is able to redirect his request for time off into a mouthful of sperm (her mouth). This trope keeps coming up. Who does she think she is - Puma Swede?

The transitions in this movie are somewhat rusty and overlong. Would it kill those people to pretend a camera wasn't there? Banxxx looks directly at the camera when she is supposed to be addressing her subordinate and suddenly I no longer had my precious fourth wall. Would she be blowing me next? I wasn't even dressed.

The next scene features the delightful Carmella Bing and some clod. The setup is that Bing is going office to office collecting money for the company birthday fund.

"Alex" has positioned his chair right up against the wall and is tucked into the desk. The office walls are bare. There is no rug. There are no photos on the desk. Anyway, Bing walks in.

"Hi, Alan?" she says.

(pause)

"No: Alex," he replies. Clearly he has never taken an improv class. And who would deny Carmella Bing?

As she tries to cajole money out og him, he replies that the company even forgot his birthday. "This company sucks," he says all sullen-like. Big-hearted Bing tries her damnedest to console him. Myself, I would have given up.

"Well fuck you then," I would have said.

Not Bing. You can imagine what she does to retain the employee. Sometimes it's more trouble to let the deadwood of a company go than to simply tolerate them. That's what I keep saying to Nick Denton, anyway.

The next scene is kind of sad. Dillan Lauren is interrupted by her boss while masturbating. She has been having phone sex with her boyfriend. Her boss not only dresses her down for the long distance charges but also derides her boyfriend.

Lauren is silently seething at her pig of a boss. What else can they do but have sex?

The most compelling scene, because it hit so close to home, was that between a corporate hatchet man and Taryn Thomas. Tasked with onerous duty of firing her, she manages to get a year's severance out of him the only way she knows how. The verbal back and forth was very impressive; it was as if each had been in that position before.

The final scene features Holly Black, who looks like a more evil Carmella Bing. The cognitive dissonance prevented me from watching the rest of it, but it involved a negotiation for square footage.

Like Pink Visual's web-to-DVD efforts, Naughty America's movies are low on overhead. "Naughty Office" had an edge because it depicted events that were so close to my own life.

· Naughty America (naughtyamerica.com)
· · Order: "Naughty Office 4" (adultdvdempire.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive

"You put a greased naked woman on all fours with a dog collar around her neck, and a leash, and a man's arm extended out up to here, holding onto the leash, and pushing a black glove in her face to sniff it. You don't find that offensive? You don't find that sexist?" asks Bobbi Flekman in "This Is Spinal Tap".

Watching a sweaty, near-naked Puma Swede crawling around a Porn Valley house on a leash held by two guys with erections might well inspire the same reactions in accidental viewers of Platinum X's "Bitch Slapped", but we are reminded that the check was cashed and that everyone involved knew what she/he was getting into.

Read our hesitant, back-pedaling review after the gap. - G. Ponante

- - -

Bitch Slapped

Studio: Platinum X
Director:Martin Del Toro
Cast: Puma Swede, Samantha Roxxx, Velicity Von, Lexi Love, Vanessa Figueroa

Review by: - G. Ponante

***

I've met Puma Swede and she is one of the most well-adjusted, fun, down-to-earth people I've had the pleasure of encountering in this business. But if I didn't know her and saw what befell the leggy daredevil in this movie I would think all sorts of Dworkinesque things related to misogyny and lack of choice.

She gets gagged, whipped, slapped, and otherwise treated most roughly before ultimately gargling a mouthful of sperm. I can only hope the IKEA furniture was of some comfort. Even the camera lens gets stained, and stays that way through the rest of her scene.

Vanessa Figueroa is next. Pulled mouth-first from a closet by Billy Glide (he is wearing Pharaoh-style bicep bands and sunglasses), she doesn't fare much better than Swede.

An interesting thing about Max Hardcore, JM Productions, and Platinum X movies is that often one has the opportunity to view the exact moment a performer decides that working in porn isn't for her after all, like a rollercoaster ride that must be endured. Samantha Roxx, removed from the trunk of a car with the Sharpie'd-on license plate "Slut 666" looks like she isn't having fun anymore.

Oddly enough, it was on another Platinum X movie, "Baker's Dozen 5", that I watched a woman named Samantha Knoxx silently give her notice. That Lisa Sparxx moved back to Kentiucky makes me think that having a double X in one's porn name is too on the nose for hope of future success. We like to be subtle here.

It is the solidly-built Velicity Von who is alone in appearing to be enjoying herself in "Bitch Slapped", but her sequence is almost devoid of the aggressive element that characterized other scenes.

The movie ends with Lexi Love in a three-way with Michael Stefano and the grizzled but dependable Brian Surewood. If it wasn't from the outset ("I thought 'Bitch Slapped' would be about women slapping each other," a female colleague said. "For me, that would have been more palatable and probably hot. As it was, I got queasy"), it was now clear that women were to have as little participation as possible in this movie. That was the hook. Things would be done to them at a level greater than that of most other porn movies.

So it's not a couples movie. At least it's not a first date movie.

All this soul-searching is for nought in that I watched "Bitch Slapped" with my wife and she liked it.

We really should have Puma over.

· Platinum X (platinumxpictures.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive

Culled from several episodes of the "Barely Legal" series, this seventh volume of the "All Stars" compilation is a crapshoot that pays off in unexpected places. At its worst, however, this movie is a study in how not to make a demo reel.

Read our review after the gap (especially if you like Belladonna).- G. Ponante

Barely Legal All Stars 7

Studio: Hustler
Director: Clive McLean, Erika McLean, Andre Madness, Van Styles, others
Cast: Memphis Monroe, Monica Sweetheart, Kayla Marie, Alexis Malone, Belladonna, Audrey Hollander, Cytherea, Kira Beckham

Review by: - G. Ponante

***

The "Barely Legal" franchise was launched by the late director Clive McLean. It was briefly taken over by his widow, Erika, after his passing, and is now helmed by Andre Madness.

While it would be foolish not to mine Hustler's huge library for frequent compilations, the opening scene, featuring current contract star Memphis Monroe, does not show the Kentucky pinup at her best. Directed by Erika McLean, this scene is clunky and the acting is poor even for porn. That the movie from which this scene was taken came out in January of this year, it is evident that there is a salvage job going on.

But the DVD picks up speed in later scenes, showing Clive McLean in inspired mode and, well, less so. An all-girl segment from 2004's "Barely Legal 50" is a powerhouse, featuring not only Belladonna (who was a few years more than legal even then), but also Cytherea, Monica Sweetheart, a long-haired Kimberly Kane, and Audrey Hollander.

Alexis Malone in a scene from "Barely Legal 31" (it seems like it should be from a decade ago, but it was only 2003) and an otherworldly peach grove scene with British Kira Beckham from "Barely Legal 43" (2004) show how differently porn was shot just a few years ago. There was a corninesss and imprecision to it that really required good performances to transcend the small budget and poor filmmaking. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes I wondered where these performers disappeared to.

Kurt Lockwood and Nadia Styles show up in a "BL" variant directed by Van Styles. Also from 2004, "Barely Legal Corrupted 1" looks more like today's type of product. How this fits in to the "BL" theme I don't know, but Styles' style is a lot slicker and less hokey. No peach picking here.

The movie concludes with a ranch scene from "Barely Legal Summer Camp" (2003) featuring Simone. She fucks a ranch hand while we and horses watch.

If "Barely Legal All Stars 7" were the Arthurian Legend, the one brief shining Camelot moment would doubtless be that round table with Belladonna and Monica Sweetheart and friends. It is the only scene which qualifies as an all-star outing.

· Hustler (hustler.com)
· Buy "Barely Legal All Stars 7" (adultdvdempire.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive

With hundreds of porn titles being released every month, it is easy to become frustrated with the general sameness of most of the content while at the same time ragging on the deturgidifying pretense employed by porn's auteurs.

So what do you do when you're a director who's not out to push any boundaries but who still wants to make your genre movie stand out?

Read our review of Barrett Blade's "Smokin' Crack 3" after the gap. - G. Ponante

Smokin' Crack 3

Studio: Sin City
Director: Barrett Blade
Cast: Jayna Oso, Cindy Crawford, Vanessa Lane, Jeanie Marie, Jamie Elle

Review by: - G. Ponante

***

It would be easy to say that Blade knows how to direct porn because he is regularly on the other side of the camera, but if one looks at some of the directorial efforts of other talent, that observation doesn't hold much weight.

It seems, instead, that Blade simply knows who his audience is and knows that sales will drop if he suddenly chooses to get edgy and groundbreaking. "Smokin' Crack 3" is an effort that delivers what it should - energetic sex from central casting porn girls - but frames each vignette so that it, pardon the pun, pops.

"I took him in the back and fucked the shit out of him," says the subtly muscular peroxide Cindy Crawford in a voiceover. She is describing - what else? - a strip club patron who admired her smokin' crack 3. What follows is a by-the-numbers scene from the established porn canon that delivers everything necessary and doesn't detour into Weirdsville.

Not that I don't, myself, live in Weirdsville. But how much company do I need?

Vanessa Lane is next. She talks about how she was pumping gas one day with her "little crack hanging out", then she takes two observers home to fuck them. Does that resonate with you? Does that resonate with America? Of course it does.

Would I kick Vanessa Lane off my little electric golf cart on Catalina Island? Hell no. But I didn't need to see what she was up to beyond her gas-pumping story. I'm more a fan of Tory Lane, Sunny Lane, and Charlie Laine, but Vanessa boffins doubtless will see her in all the familiar poses.

I employed skipping technology for Jamie Elle (ass crack hanging from back of boyfriend's motorcycle) but landed on Jeanie Marie Sullivan, whom I haven't seen before and whose Catholic school smoking area voice repopulated my diocese.

I admit that Sullivan told a story that I found far-fetched. Apparently she had been in a co-ed jail, and crack-snacking had ensued. I reasoned that I didn't need trust to be a high prioroty in our relationship.

Sullivan is petite and skinny. You wouldn't expect her to have a voice like she has, unless she was a student of evil. I only expect wonderful things from her.

The compact and deadly Jayna Oso ends her baseball-themed anecdote with, "and that's how my smokin' crack (3) got me fucked in the ass." In this scene it is important to note that ponytailed Nick Manning plays her baseball player. I believe Barrett Blade is Canadian, so that might explain the utter implausibility of Nick Manning being a baseball player.

Oso is hot, though, with small breasts. You might wonder why such a tiny person might adopt a porn name that is the Spanish word for "bear". Many porn personalities take their names from streets in the northwest Porn Valley. Oso is one, as is (former director) Mason, (Bobby) Rinaldi, and explorer and creampie innovator Vasco Nunez de Balboa.

The five-scene movie seemed to end quickly, but nothing more needed to be said. Despite the film answering all my questions about smokin' crack, however, I have no doubt there will be a sequel.

· Sin City (sincity.com)
· Order: "Smokin' Crack 3" (adultdvdempire.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive