Perhaps having a calendar in PDF form isn't really convenient, since you have to then print out the individual pages—on high quality printing paper, no less—and tack them to your wall. And it'd be silly to just leave it on your computer: they also serve as calendars. Maybe we should put it this way: here's a free PDF of Black Angelika, Aletta Ocean, Angel Dark, Sasha Grey, Tori Black, and other glamorous females alongside the various months of the year.

· Private Offers 2010 Calendar for Download (business.avn.com)
· Download the free calendar at Private a fucking christmas dinner! (private.com)

A Real Swinger's Orgy

Studio: Private
Director: Kink.com
Starring: Peter Acworth, Princess Donna, Mr. Big, Maestro, Bella Rossi, Sarah Shevon, Sindee Jennings, Annie Cruz, Chery Torn, Catrina Cummings, Lilla Katt, Hollie Stevens, Savannah West, Amber Keen, Mason, Mark Davis, Mr. Pete, Derrick Pierce, John Strong, Mister Torn, Ed Vincent, Curt Wooster, Dean Strong, Trina Cox, Ryker, Danger Girl, Amber Rayne

Review by: Gram Ponante

Peter Acworth has a problem. He has impulsively made a promise to a very big client that he will film an epic swinger orgy at the massive Armory Building in San Francisco, which he happens to own as president of Kink.com.

Once he gets the go-ahead to begin shooting, he must then populate the event and dress the room, two things that anyone who knows Peter Acworth also knows he will have no problem doing. But, for purposes of this delightful, documentary-style porn Kink.com made in association with Private, we watch the British Acworth get all Hugh Grant nebbishy and tie himself into knots as the big day gets closer.

He approaches the always interesting Princess Donna in a bar. Here she plays a forgotten trophy wife. In a line that I will use shamelessly, he says, "If you are short of something to do, you should come to my sex party."

Various storylines unfold: a "Pina Colada"-style "I didn't know that you liked sex in public" misunderstanding between Mark Davis and his doctor (both show up at the Armory at the same time), a husband who thinks his wife is a prude, even though she looks exactly like Princess Donna, and a hapless cameraman whose real dream is to be in front of the camera, you know, fucking (when put to the test, he can't unload in time but, unlike in most porn, this fellow has a story arc).

Kink.com, which is known for hardcore fetish sites like Ultimate Surrender, Wired Pussy, and Men In Pain, is no stranger to suspension—as in naked girls dangling from ropes—but this is suspension of disbelief. We gladly check our cynicism at the door as the movie asks us to forget things we already know but then charmingly ties everything back together.

Orgy Day comes and the Armory looks great. A group of naked porn stars arrive, such as Sindee Jennings, Annie Cruz (rarely seen in Porn Valley anymore—it's good to know where she's been hiding), the adorable Sarah Shevon, beautiful, lush redheads Bella Rossi and Cherry Torn, and reliable porn dudes Mr. Pete and Derrick Pierce, all of them there to get the party started.

And that is what the final 80 percent of "A Real Swinger's Orgy" is: fucking, mixed with unobtrusive but satisfying plot resolutions.

Mark Davis, veteran woodsman that he is, cannot resist giving directions in a manner that would get a younger man kicked out of bed. Acworth, ever the fidgety host, flits here and there with seltzer bottles and drink orders, Sindee Jennings can be heard shrieking across the room, soaking all that nice antique furniture. At one point Mr. Pete is servicing Shevon ("Don't fuck me back or I'll come") when he hears Jennings caterwaul across the room and he shoots her a dirty look.

If this movie had been made 300 miles south in Los Angeles, the lights would have been too bright and the checks could not have been cashed fast enough. But we really are convinced that "A Real Swinger's Orgy" is the real deal, even with a little help from the pros.

So if you're not short of something to do, you should really watch this sex party.

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It really was Tommy Gunn's week: First he debuted his pretty awesome "Cummin at You" 3-D porn, in which he and Sindee Jennings literally COME RIGHT AT YOU, and then he trotted off to fuck Jada Fire in Dave Naz's upcoming "Cheating Hollywood Wives" for Private.

I love this picture of Jada Fire. She looks like the type of backup singer the star gets jealous of and kicks off the tour.

Next is Bree Olson in the upcoming "Bree's College Daze 3" for Adam & Eve. Like ZZ Top once did, Bree travels to various places - in the case of these movies, colleges - and makes things right. With her very Breeness.

Breeness rhymes with penis, and that is exactly what Mr. Marcus has up Sasha Grey in "Cheating Hollywood Wives." See how I worked that in there? See how Mr. Marcus did? One seems more fun than the other ...

Orgy at the Villa

Studio: Private
Director: Andrew Newman
Cast: Madison Parker, Simone Peach, Jasmyne Black, Mike Angelo, Natalli di Angelo, Kid Jamaica, Naomy, Sandy, Eve Angel, Zenza Raggi

Review by: Gram Ponante

When I received Private's "Orgy at the Villa," I assumed the venerable Barcelona-based porn giant was getting into the parody market and taking aim at Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi's flabby adulterous escapades. Luckily I was wrong.

Instead, this delightful Euroromp follows Mario, described in voiceover as a Chicago nightclub owner who turned state's witness (don't worry - this bit of subtext is never mentioned again) as he beds bartenders and exotic dancers in tandem with his Brazilian buddy Marcos in sunny Portugal.

I am not as familiar with Europe's porn talent as I am with America's resources. But I want to be.

As Mario and Marcos reunite at the latter's villa with their dates, we watch in fascination as the blonde who just sucked her own ass off Marcos' dick greets the couples' guests. Luckily it is in the European way, with kisses on the cheeks, rather than full on the mouth.

Mario takes a nap after his trip but his girlfriend greets Marcos for a tryst on the balcony. We get the sense that Mario wouldn't mind, as everyone knows there will be an orgy later anyway. And even though Marcos doesn't seem like the brightest bulb (after his guests have been at his villa for several minutes, he announces "this is my house!"), we understand implicitly that the two men have shared much in their lives.

And, as guests filter in with a voiceover describing their relationship with one another ("Eve left Marcos' huge cock for Sandy's plump pussy lips"), we are again reminded that socialized healthcare is not the only reason to live in Europe.

The voiceovers are charming. Private releases movies in several languages so we are happy for the effort, even if, narratively, we know that no backstory will matter if there's going to be a giant poolside fuckfest at the end of the movie (which there is).

A character is introduced later in the movie, Mike (the dramatis personae are not really made clear, but it is easy to tell from the credits that Marcos, the black guy, is Kid Jamaica, and Mario, who speaks with a Hungarian accent, is the multi-pseudonymned Zenza Raggi, so that the person identified by the voiceover as "Mike" must be the only other man listed in the credits: Mike Angelo. No one said reviewing porn was easy. Oh, someone did? Well it's not) who has the best job of the movie: he picks up a stunning large-breasted girl on the beach and takes her to the orgy at the villa. At press time I can't figure out who she is, but she is the type of woman who can box your ears with her breasts, like she was the porn version of Mr. Gower from "It's A Wonderful Life."

The characters thus assembled, each with his or her own backstory provided by a narratrix who may or may not be in the movie, the event described in the title happens after an awkward mimosa toast. Poolside, on lounges, with high heels, drinks in hand, they fuck, and fuck, and fuck.

I don't know what else to say about this movie other than I believed it. I think this actually happened. If only Silvio Berlusconi could have been there.

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Silvia, who turns 33 today, will be followed into beatitude by Olivia Saint, Ellen Saint, Sandy Saint, Bonita Saint, Betty Saint, Isabella Saint, Angelica Saint, and Jasmin St. Clair.

Now all we need to do is figure out how to authenticate miracles.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Silvia Saint at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Silvia Saint's movies (gamelink.com)

Private’s Christmas special features all manner of holiday festivities, every single one of which looks ordeurs des magnitudes more appealing than spending the holidays fending off ancient aunts and boozy uncles, unwrapping socks and braving the highways in Yuletide traffic. We would much rather have Stella Delcroix and her helpful elves fulfilling our holiday wishes, thank you very much.

If that’s the North Pole, then we are an office full of monkey’s uncles, but screw the white Christmas—it might be time for a tropical tradition.

· Privatre Films (www.Private.com)
· Buy "Dirty Santa" (gamelink.com)

Silvia retired a while ago, but every time I see that cover, I think back to the late nineties, when there weren’t that many Czech blondes in the business, and it brings back special memories. And then I have a little private time in the bathroom at the office. Hey, can someone get this cover off our desk? I can’t get any work done.

· Private (private.com)
· Buy Silvia Saint’s Movies" (gamelink.com)
· Buy "The Academy" (gamelink.com)

It is safe to say that everybody likes boobs^TM. But Lupe should have let us know she was 1.) going to change her name, and 2.) going up some cup sizes so that we could alert our transition team.

Because, quite frankly, we feel both disappointed that another lovely pair of unspoiled natural tits is forever gone, and also that it’s nice to be able to look at Lupe—now Zuleidy—and sprout wood without feeling too Humbert Humbert-esque. And that's just a little confusing.

· Private Film (private.com)
· Buy Little Lupe’s Movies (gamelink.com)

See some snaps from off the coast of Ethpain after the gap.

- - -

Normally we don't like the "tease" section of porn scenes, in which the talent strips and fondles herself for a few minutes before the dudes show up, but in this case the Teases are glorious, each accompanied by a club soundtrack with images slowed down, sped up, and lovingly lit, but none so self-conscious and arty that the movie forgets about the most important parts.

The music abruptly stops after the Teases and then the real work begins. These scenes are just fine, too, but then my prejudice kicks in: these ladies are so perfect that it is hard to find personality in their sex scenes; it is when they are being supermodels with a soundtrack that they are at their most potent.

Only Cayenne smiles. While it is the more famous Angel Dark who is the most marketable of these pornstresses, it is Cayenne who appears most accessible. And her moans in this scene appear genuine; The Sea is punishing to The Ladyparts™.

Yep.

· Private (private.com)
· Buy "Private Xtreme #35 - Ibiza Sex Party #2" (gamelink.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Photoplay Archive

The six scene movie gives a new meaning to the catchphrase Girl Power! Entitled 'Pussy Power!' the movie will see Private's versions of Posh, Ginger, Scary & Sporty but these girls can do a lot more than sing. Baby Spice will be played by Private's brand new contract girl Rose ... 'The Spiced-Up Girls' will be great pastiches of the girls, not only will they sing, 'The Spiced Up Girls' will also do anal! We feel that this concept is a sure fire winner for sales as we generate noise not only around our beautiful five some, but also the movie and the pop song in a way that only Private can produce."

· Moire Candy Blog @ Private Media (private.com)

Despite summer not being two weeks old, great pieces of America have already melted into soup. That is why it's important to watch Private's "Sex Secrets of the Yeti", shot in the snow with indifferent Eurohotties who can't be bothered to feign surprise when a guy shows up in a Yeti suit to fuck them. But at least this movie makes an effort, which is more than could be said of "Hairy Pucker".

· "Sex Secrets Of The Yeti" (trailers @ private.com)
· "Sex Secrets Of The Yeti" (DVD info + gallery @ shop.private.com)
· Buy "Sex Secrets of the Yeti" (gamelink.com)

· Private (private.com)
· Buy "Sex City: The Trilogy" (gamelink.com)

Previously: Porn of the Moment Archive

Summer in Porn Valley is not pleasant. It is so hot that you and your buddy might be doubly-penetrating someone and she's so sweaty that you slip right off and land in the rental mansion's purloined saguaro thicket. Ouch! That is why we hearken back to the shoot for Private's newly reissued "Cleopatra" (2003), lensed not in Porn Valley but the Valley of the Kings, where there was a lot of sucking, sand, and sex, as you will see from the following description:

"We are sucked into a sexual sandstorm of the most ardent sex action imaginable as the ancient queen of the desert, Cleopatra, bewitches all those she meets with her extraordinarily potent sexual powers."

Join us after the gap for more shots from this movie, but don't get sand in the vaseline. - GP

- - -

Private tends to put a few more Euros into its projects than its stateside counterparts, thus Cleopatra is appropriately bedizened but not so much that we can't see her extraordinarily potent sexual parts.

But even our extraordinary lack of attention to detail couldn't miss the new-fangled (but still extraordinarily potent sexual) curtains in the ancient second-floor apartment.

Wait a minute ... Hey Blondie: What are you doing in ancient Egypt?

· Private (private.com)
· Buy "Cleopatra" (gamelink.com)

Berlin's Venus Fair, scheduled this year for the weekend of October 18-21, is a rollicking affair, inasmuch as sophisticated Europeans allow themselves to rollick. A trade show like the ones we cover in these virtual pages, the Venus Fair nevertheless makes stateside porn conventions look tame, even as the on-hand talent, what with their advanced degrees in engineering and sex positivism, somehow prove less accessible than our homegrown stars,

Private, the world's biggest porn company, and PurePlay, its U.S. distributor, will fly two lucky guests to Berlin to attend the Fair with 500 Euros to play with. Winners will also receive backpacks to stuff with lederhosen and "Heroes"-period Bowie records. - GP

· Private Contest (privateprize.com)
· Venus Fair - Berlin (venus-berlin.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive

The Berlin-based couple known as Mr. and Mrs. Sexkicks have discovered the secret of a happy partnership: he mans the camera while she takes care of the wardrobe styling for their slick fetish-flavored photography, which is no easy job considering all those latex getups and fishnet bodysuits to keep track of. Their exercises in domestic harmony have taken them to the pages of high-profile magazines in Europe and North America as well as to working for big-budget porn studios like Hustler and Private, and while you'll have to be a model or potential business partner to request access to their more explicit work, there's plenty of supercharged erotic eye candy to keep even casual smut fans like us happily clicking through their online portfolio. Who says porn is supposed to be a threat to a happy marriage anyway?

· Sexkicks Photography (sexkicks.net, via Dadanoias)

Previously: Natasha Barabasha: Sharing Nude Pictures Is Caring, Intensity Studios: Sparkly Nudes By Antonio Carrasco, Jrotica: Photos by Eriq Johnston, Jai Lennard: Strange Love, Gorgui Photo: French, Nude, Etc.