"Pissed Off Japanese Bitches" is a title we've covered before (even printing our first foreign-language headline) but today we've actually seen the movie and have a gallery to prove it.

It's important to remember that the envelope of traditional Japanese sexuality vis a vis porn can only be stretched so much before horrible snap-back occurs, so we'll have you know that each of these Japanese bitches submits to our collective will at the end and becomes gloriously, doughily naked. We wouldn't want the world to spin off its axis.

Still, once the Japanese Bitches have been subdued and banished to the sea, what will keep them from returning?

· Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
· Buy "Pissed Off Japanese Bitches" (gamelink.com)

"So you fuck it?"

We have been eager to show you this title but we keep getting waylaid, as if by "Pirates". A niche that (mostly) finds clothed women giving handjobs to naked men, this example of CFNM involves the likes of Abbey Brooks, Sophie Dee, Heather Gables, and Kylee Reese, among others, in configurations such as Jailer/Jailed, Pie Fucker/Gaggle, and Comatose Man/Nurses.

Not an inch of the five separate parts of the female anatomy commonly seen in porn is exposed in "Attack of the C.F.N.M.," and that may be disappointing to some viewers. But as Thomas Jefferson said, "I may not agree with your choice to not show Abbey Brooks' boobies, but I will fight to the death for your right to not compromise a porn niche sacred to maybe two dozen Americans."

While humiliation is a factor in some of these scenarios, at least the fellows enjoy some release at the end of their ordeal. Such as this guy, who probably hasn't seen too many good times since the royalty checks for "Two Princes" stopped coming.

· Pink Visual (pinkvisual.com)
· Buy "Attack of the CFNM" (gamelink.com)

This cobbled-together series of scenes that debuted on the Internet provides several examples of the Capture And Release school of porn filmmaking, in which a crew pretends to search Porn Valley strip malls for likely women who are then cajoled into returning with said crew to a film studio under false pretenses. (It's not kidnaping and rape because James Deen is such a smooth talker.)

In the first scene Deen looks by comparison like an elder statesman next to emo kid Daniel, who actually answers his cell phone, dismounting a woman named Victoeria, during their scene. Kids these days.

It might be a revelation to the people who have just discovered this style of porn that each participant has signed a series of documents proving his or her age and identity before a camera is activated. But the acting is so compelling that even jaded reviewers like me can be drawn in. "Is this really happening?" we'll cry.

"Desperate MILFs & Housewives" features Holly Halston getting serviced in a van. Halston reminds me of an especially boobulous Cheryl Hines. She and her scene partner, Tony, were unable to curb their enthusiasm. In fact, he curbed all over her face.

The reason I picked this movie was the boxcover. Vanessa looks like Mary Louise Parker and, with Halston also on board, this movie is a great complement to that free weekend of Showtime and HBO we got last month at Fleshbot West.

· Pink Visual (pinkvisual.com)
· Buy "Desperate MILFs & Housewives 5" (gamelink.com)

See how Rocco Siffredi upends our sensibilities after the gap. (Just don't mention the title to PETA.)

. . .

The opening of European star Rocco Siffredi's "Animal Trainer 24" finds an artist painting two mesh-clad models, one adventurous, one overcome with Euro-ennui, as some homunculus emerges from a nearby stream and begins posing with them. If the whole continent hadn't been ruined for me by "The Final Countdown," I'd be on a plane there right now.

Eventually the painter gets in on the action, too, as the narrative demands.

The next scene joins the previous one in dispelling the myth that European porn actresses lack affect. The game Caty says, in English broken just the right way, that she "like to be this way." She is slapped around with a penis as the narrative demands.

In the next scene, an artist colony setting, Siffredi surprises two nymphs spying on one of his muses. "Are you scared?" he says to one of them, holding out a ball gag. "You know what's that." Another man joins in.

"It's too much!" says the muse.

"It's not too much," replies Siffredi.

Siffredi's performers dive into each other like a bowl of spaghetti. They slap, they spit, they fall over themselves to get at each other. While the camera never seems to pan out far enough or stay anywhere long enough to provide the flesh landscapes Americans enjoy, what Rocco's movies do is paint a picture of a place in which everyone and his brother - as well as a sea monster - get in on the action.

· Evil Angel (evilangel.com)
· Buy "Rocco: Animal Trainer 24" (tlavideo.com)

So why are these women sweeties? Could it be that Aliana Love wears glasses? I know from personal experience that I am only kind to people because I have poor eyesight, in hopes that they won't hide my lunch. Maybe that is why Aliana is a Black Sweety.

What about Amile Waters? While she might not have been the sweetest person at this event, Waters does lick her watch. I didn't get it, but who am I, Sweety Pope?

Finally there was Misty Stone who, in addition to saying all the "shit!"s and "fuck!"s you'd expect in a porn movie, liberally peppered her pillowtalk with "Oh My Goodness!" I thought that was sweet.

· Silver Sinema (silversinema.com)
· Buy "Black Sweeties" (gamelink.com)

We can only wish that you, Fleshbot Readers, could know Jenny Hendrix the way we do. That is because her affected porn star vocal fry ("I want to fulfill your innermost fantasies") sounds so different from the way she actually talks. Lucky for you, the movie captures her the way she actually looks, with a little sneer that would make Billy Idol jealous.

Despite the presence of someone else in the scene, Hendrix only has eyes for you, taking great pains (it is apparent) to look at the camera even as things are happening to her that would in anyone else require attention.

"I want to spit on that cock," she says, not even consulting her Day Planner, "and make it nice and wet. And stick it all the way down my throat."

She goes on:

"I want to get it nice and wet," she says. "And spit on it."

Then she tells you what else is on her agenda.

"I want that cock in my pussy," she says, then gets to the point, "I want to get my pussy fucked" (emphasis not added).

· Gazzman (gazzman.com)
· Buy "Fuck Me" (gamelink.com)

That's the first thing out of the mouth of the director of Vivid's "Brand New Faces 10" when he sees Pharyn Sparxxx for the first time. Me, I was like "Holy shit; look at your name tag." Had she been the guy from those old Cheetos commercials, Ms. Sparxxx probably would not have got very far with that name but, as you will see, she'd look good even if her name was Asdjliklvf McNejfhkuedkued.

"Holy crap. Fuck, you're beautiful," director B. Skow demands. "Look at you."

The Honduran Sparxxx appears before us in her first porn scene, and Skow, who when not faced with the likes of phat porn Latinas is always articulate and genteel, makes sure that the mission statement of the series - that no one featured therein has ever appeared in a sex movie before - be maintained.

But unlike other vignettes in this series, in which newbie women are paired with men like Sascha and James Deen, Sparxxx, who prefers women, gets a visit from Rebeca Linares. You see, they speak the same language.

"Can you even understand what I'm saying?" cries Skow at one point.

Could Pharyn Sparxxx be the next Strokahontas? Holy crap. Fuck. Look at us. We don't know.

In that this edition of "Brand New Faces" is the tenth installment in the venerable seven-month-old series, a second disc is included with some of the director's favorite scenes (not included: the treacherous Jean Laconia).

· Vivid (vivid.com)
· Buy "Brand New Faces 10" (gamelink.com)

Director Jim Powers is an auteur who can be trusted to "go there," and here he has compiled bits and pieces of scenes and backstage shenanigans to make up the 16th installment of a series that's got conservative porn producers pissed.

But it's not like Powers tramples fragile sensibilities willy-nilly.

"Don't let the property owners see you," he advises the (now retired) Lana Croft as she squats over a sink.

One would be mistaken to think that performers roll their eyes when Powers asks them to urinate, as if everything else they've done that day is somehow less graphic. In fact, when Chelsea Rae breaks in on Croft, Rae takes the sink next to her.

The disc includes golden outings by Holly Wellin, Sophie Dee, Serrena Marcus, Adrianna DeVille, and Sindee Jennings, whose aim and output is considerable. You may be wondering about the camera glare in Sindee's scene: that is the reflection off a plexiglass screen placed over the camera, which Jennings soaked from 15 feet away. And she isn't in the Olympics why?

Never say Fleshbot is too highbrow for you.

· JM Productions (jerkoffzone.com)
· Buy "Liquid Gold 16" (tlavideo.com)

Scene One features a tuxedoed Ireland playing Master and Servant with Roxy DeVille. At one point Ireland must retrieve something the loss of which can't be explained by gravity.

Only Ireland's penciled-on John Waters moustache distracts from the scene. So I just closed my eyes and thought of Baltimore.

The beauty of this movie is that, even if you feel you would be turned away had you showed up with your testosterone and Manifest Destiny, you would still have the consolation that the women were doing to each other everything you would have. It is as if you wrote your suggestions on little notecards and they were duly considered.

Trinity Post and Amber Rayne leave Kissy Kapri in the dust in the bendy department, and the latter takes her revenge by slapping the hell out of Rayne, who doesn't seem to mind.

Eva Angelina is like Ireland's South of the Border younger sister. I have the impression Ireland didn't have to direct her much in her scene with Sammi Rhodes.

Cruel Aiden Starr opines in the final scene, as a box of toys arrives:

"You know sometimes if their cock is too small you gotta put a butt plug in your ass to feel it?" she asks Jandi Lin and Tricia Oaks.

... and that is the only thing that made me sad. Next time I see a butt plug I won't think, "Ooh: a butt plug." Instead, I'll think, "Someone's parts are small."

· Adam And Eve (adameve.com)
· Kylie Ireland (kylieireland.com)
· Buy "Bitch And Moan 2" (gamelink.com)

Anyway, the allure of Brazil includes its juicy variety of people who will have sex with you, and it's always easy to shop for bathing suits for them because you can tell what their style is from their tan lines.

"Smiles, everyone: Smiles!"

Like I would be, this man wonders why his date is smiling at you instead. But what can she say? Brazil's is a tourist-friendly economy.

You know, I believe this guy's leg hair is even distracting her.

The joy of Brazil is that, even with two men going soft inside them, its porn performers can still flash a winning smile. Would Stormy Daniels put up with that? Hell no. She'd say, "Get hard now or you're going to lose it."

· Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
· Buy "Teen Brazil 3" (gamelink.com)

"Moan where it hurts," suggests Rose to Marco Banderas, grunting in an Iberian delirium. Pinpointing the source of distress, she proceeds to soothe the fuck out of it.

In fact Banderas, who just moments before had been an incoherent and immobile mess, soon regains his strength enough to pay off his hospital fees - with his parts!

"You must be feeling a whole lot better," Rose notes at the end.

"Oh yeah," Banderas says, having learned English in his recovery.

· Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
· Buy "Hello Nurse" (gamelink.com)

After all this time, it would be reasonable to expect that the movie would not follow through on the premise suggested by its title and cover, but Fontana demands the recruits show him IDs ("Don't give me your real names! Give me the names your agents gave you!") and when they drop to give him 20, it is with a dildo.

The movie ended up being a mini-"Gilligan's Island XXX" prequel, as Fontana, Hanah, and Dick Nasty each appear. Earlier, a performer named Miss Kitty was hounded off the set for refusing to service the 53-year-old Nasty. Hanah, the professional, showed the almost-half-her-age recruits how it was done. "Always make sure your hand is wet," she said.

The girls are led through blowjob drills, taught how to pose for still cameras, given pointers on "facial preparation," and told that "there are men and women dying for that flag in order for you to work in pornos." (The latter seems like a generational thing - when performers who remember when porn was illegal are paired with performers who don't, the result can be awkward.)

The movie sticks to its premise all the way through, and as such is often at odds with standard porn formula. This isn't a bad thing, though; it just throws off the pacing if you are, for instance, a chronic masturbator.

· Hustler (hustlerworld.com)
· Buy "Barely Legal Boot Camp" (gamelink.com)

But one thing is chillingly certain: Meggan Malone looks a lot like "Harry Potter"'s Emma Watson. It is uncanny. In the mingled wallpaper/upholstery patterns of the hotel room in which the gangly 19-year-old Malone masturbates for the camera, the viewer comes really close to Apparating.

It is the wallpaper and upholstery, mingling with the olive-complected Malone, that make this solo masturbation sequence seem like Richard Kern suddenly took up oil painting.

So even if you don't get your fill of C.S. Lewis, you'll get a little J.K. Rowling by way of R. Kern.

· Homegrown Video (homegrownvideo.com)
· Buy "The Chronicals of Hornia" (gamelink.com)

Femmes fatales outnumber lipstick lesbians in this movie featuring strap-on action and andro girls (who look like a Smiths-era Morrissey and made this writer confused) as well as, according to the cover, "real orgasms." I can never tell. Me, I take what I can get and appreciate any extra effort.

But in terms of a travelogue, the excellent soundtrack and appealing, occasional outside filming make Paris look like it is crawling with predatory lesbians ... with not one shot of the phallic Eiffel Tower in sight.

· Hysterie Productions (hysterieprod.com)
· Buy "One Night Stand" (fatalemedia.com)

But Nika Noir and Jessica Valentino are not in the desert, really, unless you hold to the belief that Los Angheles is the desert. They writhe and strain in a house apocryphally linked to the Captain and Tennille (apparently the duo once stayed there, or so the story goes, and kept an elephant) overlooking Canoga Park; we see Porn Valley stretched out below them.

Then Mark Wood arrives. One can infer a lot from this photograph - it is as if most of him doesn't want to be there.

We visited this house when we told you about "Insertz. Nothing has changed!

Noir and Valentino kiss each other afterward, I guess for a job well done, but although every other part of their bodies has touched over the preceding 10 minutes, their faces never do.

Ultimately we felt like Mark Wood did.

· Red Light District (clubredlight.com)
· Buy "It Takes Two #6" (gamelink.com)

Harry has just been informed by a workman that his repairs will not be ready in time for his wife to return, so Harry needs to take out his fear and frustration on Harmony.

"I paid for you," he says as Harmony gets uppity. "I can do whatever I want!"

Harmony knows that Harry's wife will beat him soundly when she sees the house is not finished, and the power shifts between Harry and Harmony are characteristic of Greek tragedies, as Harry alternates between sobbing and violence.

At the end of their scene, Harry shrieks, "I paid for you to be my wife!" and crumples to the floor in tears. We know Harmony will come back, and we wonder if Harry is secretly happy the contractors were so lazy. Maybe he even sabotaged the work.

We wonder: do we sometimes need to make the tears come in order to feel the relief only the shedding of tears can provide?

So let this be a lesson to you: whenever you get a hooker, make sure he or she is the kind with a heart of gold.

· JM Productions (jerkoffzone.com)







· Buy "Tough Love 14" (jerkoffzone.com)

"They're ginormous," Flame continues. "No wonder you guys like me."

The format allows for the performer to carry on a monologue in a bathroom.

"...Or why I like myself.

"...Having big boobs has nothing to do with why I like myself.

"...That's sexy talk, Penny Flame."

Flame and other performers, including Alexa Jordan, Missy Stone, Jean Jacobs (nee Laconia), and Scarlett Fay treat the viewer to an intimate view of how they look at themselves (albeit under the watchful eye of a porn director), and the result is a different, less frantic kind of porn movie.

· Greedy Video (greedyvideo.com)







· Buy "I Film Myself 7" (gamelink.com)

There's something both oldschool Porn and late-nite cable in Hart's introductions (written by Naz and Ashley Blue), such as that of Sasha Grey ("No one has been able to tame her!"). But where a Skinemax movie would then trot out Nikki Fritz and a softcore rubdown would ensue, by the end of this scene Sasha Grey literally has clothespins coming out of her ass—and she's happy about it.

This five-scene vignette movie filmed for Spain's Private studio has all the trappings of a standard porn BDSM movie — police interrogation, doctor's office ("The doctor is in!"), the humbling of high-status figures - but it is the obvious delight of people like Grey, Audrey Hollander, and Michelle Avanti, along with the delicious hamminess of Hart and Naz' strictly professional crush on his performers, that make this movie special.

· Private (private.com)
· Dave Naz (davenaz.com)
· Buy "House of Sex & Domination" (gamelink.com)

Is Kaylani Lei dead? The movie begins in a gauzy, brightly-lit room where she cavorts with a man in white underpants. According to the Porn Valley Book of the Dead, this and her four-inch white stilletos point to the Afterlife. But something is wrong; the apparition she's with appears to be Nick Manning in all that oversaturation, but it's not. Is she in Heaven or in Hell? We can't tell. Also, because the room is so white, we can't tell if a load has been dropped.

But wait. It's all a dream! Sandy (Lei) was only dreaming. It's Monday morning; she's not making love to an angel, she's a lonely working girl with a dog, and she's late for her carpool.

The car ride to the office is filled with the type of banter acting that reminds one of locally produced AM radio commercials. It's comforting. It says that, no matter how expensive the camera package and editing rig, that porn directors know the real reason people watch porn is for the sex.

It seems the office is going to undergo a round of layoffs, say the carpoolers. But, just as the movie opened with a more or less gratuitous sex scene (and I'm not saying there is anything bad about gratuitous sex in a porn movie), we now have the opportunity, through the porn-narrative techniques of exposition and flashback, to review each passenger's weekend sexcapades.

In the slow drive around the neighborhood, nerdy Jimmy recounts how he bedded a stripper in Vegas after a winning night at the blackjack table. He must've won big, because Hooker didn't make him wear a condom! Outside his casino-comped room, neon lights flash. Production design! Then the stripper's luchador husband arrives.

Then it's middle-aged Bob (Herschel Savage)'s turn. He and his wife get ready for a night of role-playing by talking about the APR on their leased vehicles. Wicked's couples'-friendly credo is this: See? Dom/sub couples are just like you.

"Next week, we're going to try something called erotic asphyxiation," Bob says.

Around this time I was waiting for the weekend adventures of the driver of the carpool, Sue. "I bet those glasses are just a beard for her sexual hellcattery," I said.

But Kaylani is the contract girl, so she gets her second sex scene first. She has a threesome with her friend and the pizza guy. The pizza guy. Never accuse Wicked of discarding history.

We finally get to Sue, who shocks our sensibilities by being a dirty little biker whore. With Brian Surewood unavailable, the role of lead biker went to an unshaven Evan Stone. While Sue's acting in the car was frankly abysmal, at the biker bar she acts with her eyes. Brilliant!

Four attractive people stuck in traffic talk about sex. Is there anything better suited to late-night cable? "Carpool" may be formulaic, but it's friendly, non-threatening, and fun. As the gang breaks up at the office parking lot there is a tidy wrap-up. With gas prices so high, I see room for a slew of inexpensive sequels.

Review by Gram Ponante

Carpool

Studio: Wicked
Director: Jonathan Morgan
Cast: Kaylani Lei, Kylie Wilde, Nicole Sheridan, Nikki Rhodes, Renae Cruz, Marcus London, Evan Stone, Alex Sanders, Dane Cross, Herschel Savage, Niko

· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)
· Buy "Carpool" (gamelink.com)