Packed with all the essential vitamins and nutrients a body needs to thrive, "Jana Cova's Juice" is nature's wonder—like, say, the acai berry that Oprah won't shut up about. The same way sailors would suck on a lime to prevent scurvy, we suck on a healthy slurping of "Jana Cova's Juice" to keep ourselves hard and alert at all times, and, yes, we mean hard like Viagra. Take that Susan Summers!

Wait? What's that? We've just been informed that "Jana Cova's Juice" is not a penis extending super fruit smoothie from the rainforest, but rather the latest Celeste release from the geniuses over at Digital Playground. It's an honest mistake anyone could make. We thought she made it from scratch every morning with loving kindness.

Radiant Jana is joined in the release by an amazing cast of friends and rivals including delicious Latin beauty Alexis Love, scintillating lesbian Celeste Star, the unforgettable Lena, busty raven tressed beauty Audrey Bitoni, spicy seductress Mikayla, drop dead beauty Alektra Blue, breathtaking cocksucker Paulina James, and last (but far from least) the incomparable Carli Banks, whom we have tried endlessly to get to hook up with us to no avail. Are there any better breasts in the entire world than the ones this Hawkeye was given at birth? Of course not. (That was a trick question.)

With a line up this extraordinary, we aren't sure what else you could possibly want to know about a title? Just go get it immediately—if not sooner.

"Jana Cova's Juice" comes out this week. Drink down all the magic goodness below but remember, all these pictures are the exclusive property of Digital Playground and cannot be used without their consent, which we have but you don't. Just saying.

Jana Cova and Carli Banks
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Paulina Banks
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Carli Banks
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Carli Banks
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Jana Cova
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Jana Cova
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Paulina James and Scott Nails
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Jana Cova
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Mikayla and Marco Banderas
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Mikayla and Marco Banderas
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Mikayla
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Alektra Blue and Jana Cova
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Alektra Blue
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Alektra Blue
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Jana Cova
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Jana Cova
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Paulina James and Scott Nails
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Jana Cova
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. . .

The first stop is Catalina Island with a pre-pregnancy Paulina James and a pre-arrest Jack Venice. Reeking of alcohol, they are denied a bike rental. Somehow they are allowed golf carts. They make their way to the west side of the island and engage in some clifftop action against the overcast Pacific sky.

Back in L.A., Casey picks up Devon for a beachside romp. They race like blonde gazelles across the sand, if that's what gazelles do, and if gazelles can be blonde. Then they retreat to a bedroom where they compare tattoos.

"You have such a spankable ass, dude," declares Devon.

Next, it's off to wine country. Parker explains how raisins are made, then declares that she hates raisins.

The blonder the partner, the better the scene. Parker meets Aubrey Addams in Napa and they repair to a hotel room (the initial promise of the outdoor scene with Paulina James fades as each vignette starts outside but ducks for cover pretty quickly; still, the effort is appreciated).

In San Francisco, Parker poses for pictures on a trolley. That she is so adorable and the guys she picks up are so lunky by comparison must appeal to the college audiences Shane's World caters to in the same way that Ron Jeremy is often held up as the hero of the average American male.

Finally home (Parker did not get laid in San Francisco, she says, though Reena Sky did), Parker hooks up with Charles Dera for a scene with real chemistry.

Shane's World tries hard to maintain a reality-based road trip atmosphere in its movies, and the very personable and engaging Parker is able to pull this off where others might not be able to carry the movie. We like that she finally gets what she wants in the end.

- Review by Gram Ponante

. . .

Casey Parker's California Dreamin'
Studio: Shane's World
Director: No clue
Cast: Casey Parker, Devon, Paulina James, Aubrey Addams, Reena Sky

· Shane's World (shanesworld.com)
· Buy "Casey Parker's California Dreamin'" (gamelink.com)

Read our review of "Barely Legal Christmas" after the gap.

. . .

Barely Legal Christmas
Studio: Hustler
Director: Jerome Tanner
Cast: Alexa Jordan, Aarielle Alexis, Nautica Thorn, Ashley Blue, Sasha Grey, Paulina James, Penny Flame

Review by Gram Ponante

The elfmaidens (Aarielle Alexis and Alex Jordan) feel that Santa is too traditional.

"Don't be gay," one says. "Girls don't want dolls, they want dongs. And boys don't want trains, they want to run trains - on girls like us."

This repackaging of five previously-released scenes with a Christmas wraparound dovetails nicely with the "Barely Legal" theme of letters to its eponymous magazine, but in this case the letters are repurposed for Santa.

Sasha Grey is deemed "naughty" for breaking and entering to what she thinks is her teacher's house in search of test answers. Instead she must deal with the homeowner and, in exchange for him not calling the police, must perform sexual acts upon his person. Personally, I think this is a nice gesture that cancels out the naughty one, but Hey, I'm a Buddhist and we don't believe in Santa.

Then we read a letter from Ashley Blue sent in the ancient days of "Barely Legal 27". She, as Santa says, is a "filthy lying whore" for duping realtors into believing she wants to rent houses when what she really wants is to use them for sex.

Penny Flame courts a security guard for backstage passes and he is the same guy who owned the house Sasha Grey broke into. That was a nice house, too; how much are security guards making?

Paulina James relates a tale of a three-way with Steven St. Croix and Marco Banderas. I found it utterly implausible. Something about mail theft.

Finally, the elves convince Santa not to cancel Christmas by the only means at their disposal.

No one will confuse this movie for an instant classic, but the individual scenes are good enough, though some voiceovers are by the performers and others are by sometime-"Barely Legal" directrix Erica Mclean. It would be better if the series chose one or the other, because it is jarring to hear 19-year-old Sasha Grey read her letter but 50-ish Mclean read another. Mclean, of course, gives the series a touch of wistful remembrance a la Jeanne Moreau in "The Lover".

Alexis and Jordan are at a disadvantage in their scene because, aside from it being tacked on, it seems to have been hastily shot "just in time for Christmas" back in September. Oh well. Jizz the season.

· Hustler (hustlerworld.com)
· Buy "Barely Legal Christmas" (gamelink.com)

· "Paulina James to Play Lindsey Lohan in Sex Z Pictures Spoof" (avn.com)
· Sex Z Pictures (sexzpictures.com)

Fans of Hillary Scott will be relieved to know that her extremely made over ass will not be sitting all by her lonesome in the stable of Sex Z Pictures contract starlets: the company announced today that fellow firecracker Paulina James has been signed to an exclusive performing contract, though no word on whether it was under the same million dollar terms to which Scott was signed a few months ago. No matter what the size of her coffers may be, Paulina makes it up with her sex appeal and pure pluck: in an interview with our friends at Xfanz last year, the 19 year old cutie predicted that she would one day "die (while) having sex". Let's all hope we get to see her in at least a few features before that happens, OK? We'd hate to think that Sex Z put together all that paperwork for nothing.

· Paulina James XXX (official site @ paulinajamesxxx.com)
· "Paulina James: Keeping busy" (interview @ xfanz.com; see also video clip here)
· SexZ Pictures (sexzpictures.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch: Hillary Scott A Kept Woman

Because summer is coming, and because summer means Lorraine ("bandana'd and bearing strong drinks") Gary in "Jaws", we were drawn as if to the lodestone rock of Paulina James on the cover of Red Light District's Dickensian "Wasted Youth 3". We get that she's in jail - after all, there's some bars - and we appreciate that the bandanna suggests she's on a work detail, but what's with the socks? And the prison tat seems cruel and unusual. Who's gonna marry her now? At least there's a sheet on the bed; we didn't get those when the Fleshbot staff wound up in Chino last year. - GP

· Buy "Wasted Youth 3" (gamelink.com)
· Red Light District (rlddistribution.com)

Previously: Sweaty Ladies Grappling, Meet Angela Stone, Porn of the Moment Archive