It remains to be seen whether Red Light District can carry off a porn parody with the style and grace of, say, X-Play or new Sensations—but even if the film's a totally flop, we're glad to see Mary Carey back in action again (we missed you, Mary!).

(Though she might want to steer away from mocking Dr. Drew in the future. Not that we're superstitious or anything, but it seems rather coincidental that Penny Flame starred in this feature...and then signed up for "Celebrity Rehab" and retired from performing in porn. Clearly, the man has some sort of supernatural powers.)

· Mary Carey Pokes Fun at VH1 in 'Celebrity Pornhab With Dr. Screw' (avn.com)
· Dr. Drew Gets Screwed in 'Celebrity Pornhab' (tmz.com)
· Thumbnail via KellyFind (kellyfind.com)

Daniels, who is making a stangely not altogether quixotic run for the U.S. Senate, could have used her porn superstar status to call the movie "Stormented" but she is humble, so she did not.

She and Starr donned getups reminiscent of Tom Petty videos and Mad Hatter's (played by Austrian Mick Blue) Tea Parties for this segment, which serves as a fever dream Stormy's character has while in the Crazy Hospital.

Daniels is herself petite, but Starr looked microscopic by comparison.

"You look like a trial size," Stormy said.

The Wicked Pictures set in North Hollywood was festooned with storybook props, all of which were solid and unyielding. Hard to fuck on, in other words.

But the woman who might some day be known in Senate parlance as The Lady from Louisiana took it in stride. "I'm pretty tough," she said.

Yes, you are. We have a feeling you'll go a lot farther in politics than Mary Carey did.

· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)

10. Taylor Rain

9. Sunny Leone

8. Belladonna

7. Brittney Skye

6. Eva Angelina

5. Mary Carey

4. Briana Banks

3. Jesse Jane

2. Jenna Haze

1. Tera Patrick

· Fame Registry (fameregistry.com)

· Sturdy Wings (sturdywings.com, via avn.com; sound warning!)
· Thumbnail from Twistys (twistys.net, via KellyFind)

. . .

The latest of porn's attempts to marry the pageantry of wrestling to the domain of fake internal popshots, "Not Rated Pro Wrestling," like its predecessors bankrolled by Extreme Associates and Sin City in the late '90s and early oughts, has realized that the flimsy high concept storytelling of porn has been used in wrestling for generations.

But unlike its forebears, "Not Rated Pro Wrestling" throws a little more sex the audience's way, performed by the likes of Kendra Secrets and Chyanne Jewel, who would be R. Crumb's powerful-legged heroines if he ever switched jobs with Vince McMahon.

How it works is this: actual wrestlers with their standard backstories (stole my belt, slept with my girlfriend, etc.) intersperse "legitimate" matches in a sparsely populated hall with wrestling grudge-related sex scenes between the aforementioned pornstresses and people like Evan Stone and Lee Stone. So, for example, Craig Valentine gets back at wrestling rival Evan Stone by showing a video of himself fucking Kendra Secrets.

"Beat that pussy up," Secrets says.

"Make sure when you kiss her on the lips," Valentine says to Stone, "you say hello to my kids, because they're hanging off her chin."

You get the idea.

This series has promise, but it was inevitable that it did not live up to its hype. I get a couple of press releases every week for this, and to watch the poorly rehearsed and scripted video, where viewers can hear each audience member clapping (there seem to be about ten), seems like kids' exercises in putting on "skits" for the new video camera, circa 1986.

Free of any real direction, the hammiest performers do well. Enter Evan Stone and Ron Jeremy. Stone knows this is a laugh, and we hope he got his day rate. He shows up in armor, for example.

Making the moves on "Vampire Warrior"'s girlfriend, Chyanne, Stone reveals that "on the road, wrestlers talk."

Jeremy, as a color commentator opposite a wrestler named Angelo "A Train," works his ass off like a Poconos comedian in a tough room.

The room itself appears to be a massive Florida strip club, rented for a couple of days.

Staying true to the pro-wrestling format of betrayal and vendetta, "Not Rated Pro Wrestling" to its credit fills the disc with several sex scenes and plenty of wrestling, as well as interstitial exposition of why everyone is so mad at each other. Some people are cheap, others introduced their former friends' daughters to porn, etc. Like watching wrestling without sex, it gets confusing to follow the storlyline sometimes.

While Mary Carey and Tyler Faith are in the movie, they do not show up in sex scenes. Those go to Secrets, Keeanie Lei, and Jessica Haze.

As a porn flick, "Not Rated Pro Wrestling" could have stood some improvement, but I say with all honesty that if you like professional wrestling, you will like this movie.

- Review by Gram Ponante

* * * * *

Not Rated Pro Wrestling
Studio: New Porn Order
Director: Craig Valentine
Cast: Matt Bateman, Snakemaster Abudadene, Blackheart, Pablo Marquez, Loaded Cash, Kendra Secrets, Kis Romeo, Billy Blade, Annie Social, Buff Bagwell, Misty, Lee Stone, Keeanie Lei, Mary Carey, Doc Rivers, Mr. Montana, Tyler Faith, Jessica Haze, Vampire Warrior, Too Cold Scorpio, Evan Stone, Craig Valentine, Chyanne Jewel, Dick Fitzwell, "Knockout" Nikki, All the Money, Ron Jeremy, A Train

· New Porn Order (newpornorder.com)
· Buy "Not Rated Pro Wrestling" (gamelink.com)

The NRPW also stages live events —with all the sweat but none of the penetration—for the public.

· New Porn Order (newpornorder.com)

. . .

· "Mary Carey" (Megarotic)

* * * * *

Previously: Flesh Flicks Archives

All right, Mary, but why?

"... Because my grandmother had breast cancer," Carey told noted gentlemen's magazine Reuters. Just so you don't think Carey has pulled a Jenna Jameson, the former California gubernatorial candidate just replaced the smaller models with 36DDD ones.

· "Porn star politician auctions breast implants" (reuters.co)
· Buy Mary Carey's breast implants (ebay.com)

Previously: Good Deeds Archive

· It's not a Mary Carey birthday party until a pornstar (aka Jessica Jaymes) pulls her tits out. Tell us again why she isn't the governor? (drunkenstepfather.com)

· If we're reading this correctly—and we're pretty sure that we're not—Mitt Romney has made a fortune selling hardcore pornography to bored business travelers. Somehow he's not a governor anymore either? (huffingtonpost.com)

· The girls from a Utah escort service were actually thinking about the children when they threw this bikini car wash over the weekend. Being wet and soapy is a good cause all by itself. (kutv.com)

· Getting naked and hugging trees is a swell idea for an environmental protest, but watch out for the bark. That stuff itches! (orovillemr.com)

· Just a reminder that in New York women have just as much as right as men to walk down the street topless and get a nice settlement when the cops try to rough you up for it. Sounds fair to us. (cnn.com)

· "Everyone who thumbed through the "Iowa Nights" magazines at various interstate rest areas had the same reaction. "It's nudity and suggestive things that young children shouldn't see." We've met a lot of truck drivers and we're pretty sure that not everyone had the same reaction. (whotv.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· Even we won't stoop to making a joke about the first half of Russian hottie Anna Semenovich's last name. Wow, where did that bit of maturity come from? (latenightpictures.com)

· A woman in Rome is in trouble for taking a nude dip in the Trevi fountain in Rome, just like in that movie! No, the other one. (cnn.com)

· A pornstar coalition—including political gadfly Mary Carey—went to Sacramento to protest a proposed California tax on adult businesses. No politicians were laid during the making of this protest. (nbcsandiego.com)

· Today's Joe Francis update: The Girls Gone Wild guru pleads guilty to one of the charges against him and gets 35 days in jail. If he survives the whole month, everyone on his cell block wins a free t-shirt. (firstcoastnews.com)

· San Diego Padres outfielder Brian Giles will only do nudity if it's essential to story of a baseball game. Or if he's just really, really bored. (aolsportsblog.com)

· Idaho State University officials covered the windows at a campus art gallery to keep unsuspecting eyes away from the nude photos. That concludes our coverage of everything that's happening in Idaho. (ktvb.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· Did MSNBC's Keith Olbermann really turn down a date from Mary Carey? Or was it the other way around? Let's see, a guy in his mid-40s with a show on basic cable turning down a pornstar? Hmm, we'll get back to you on that one. (nypost.com + olbermannwatch.com)

· A blogger wonders why there aren't more lesbians in advertising. That's funny, we though all girls in advertising were lesbians, but maybe that's just the channels we watch. (girlinshortshorts.blogspot.com)

· A woman involved in a lawsuit claims she broke up with her ex because her new lover could bring her to orgasm ... with his mind. Yeah, that's a pretty tough act to follow. (nydailynews.com)

· Just in case you were considering using a "porn browser" called NetBrowserPro, um ... don't. Unless, of course, you hate your computer and want to punish it. (news.com.com)

· How do you tell if a virgin is really a virgin? There's no punchline to that joke, we're actually sort of curious ourselves. Do you think the "lettuce test" really works? (suntimes.com)

· This image makes us wonder if we should have paid more attention in chemistry class. (improbable.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

The idea of walking around Hollywood asking women to show a little knee made me feel dirty, whereas asking for the same thing and worse one month ago in Las Vegas felt like the most natural and wholesome thing in the world.

This week's XBiz Forum, a two-day webmaster get-together at Hollywood's Roosevelt Hotel, was notable for its snacks, lively discussions of the proposed .xxx domain, and its complete lack of Gene Simmons appearances. Add to that Casey Parker in a dress she bought for $15 but I'm sure she could now sell on her website for ten times that as long as she doesn't wash it.

See more photos from this weeks goings-on after the gap. - GP

- - -

Mary Carey responds to the question "If you were on the Nostromo, where would the Alien pop out?"

Tera Patrick co-hosted the 5th annual XBIz Awards. All my thought was bent on getting her to wink at me, and she finally did.

Courtney Cummz always looks classier than her nom de porn, but at least she wasn't named Strokahontas.

· XBiz Hollywood (xbizhollywood.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Popshots Archive

· Lindsay Lohan's new dress allows you to pretty much see what she looks like without her shirt on. You already know what she looks like without her pants on, so put two and two together. (americanidol2006blog + egotastic)

· Mariah Mary Carey is not clear on the concept of dressing rooms. Or underwear. Or shame, apparently. (video @ tmz.com)

· So Katie Rees gets booted from her Miss Nevada post, then gets handed $2 million to work at a casino in Las Vegas? Gee, girls who actually win beauty pageants are suckers. (accessatlanta.com)

· Cherie (UK First Lady, wife of Tony) Blair's new BFF is married to Robin Gibb of the Bee Gees. How nice. Oh ... and she used to do porn back in the '70s. Did we forget to mention that? (thisislondon.co.uk)

· "The fulfillment of women is at the heart of the experience of sex." Hmm ... we think we've heard that somewhere before ... but we can't quite put our finger on it. It's right on the tip of our tongue, too. (andhracafe.com)

· It seems the boys at NASA used to have a pretty good sense of humor back in the day. Naked ladies sure beat "lunar rover" jokes, if you ask us. (playboy.com, via Boing Boing)

* * * * *
Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· Here's your chance to own the original "Bushplug" ... that's right, the first George W. Bush butt plug ever produced. Let's just hope it's an unused prototype; the whole concept is disturbing enough as it is. (ebay.com)

· Despite some interweb rumors to the contrary, Mary Carey has not lost her legal fight against Mariah Carey over their names. Will we ever be able to tell them apart? (tmz.com)

· Would you let a complete stranger watch you have sex just to score Philadelphia Eagles playoff tickets? If it was the Super Bowl we would understand, but for the first-round? (philly.com, via Deadspin)

· Internet sales of adult movies are cutting into the market for DVDs. Any chance that VHS comeback is going to happen? Because we would really like to unload our old tape collection. (redherring.com)

· Daryl Hannah claims that before she became a movie star she was nearly tricked into becoming a sex slave, and not the good kind. (thesun.co.uk)

· What's it like working in a porn shop every single day? Probably a lot like writing about porn every single day, only you'd actually get to play with dildos instead of just looking at tiny pictures of them online. (ocweekly.com, via Consumerist)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· Jessica Alba greets the new year by taking her nipples for a romp along the beach. We're told in certain cultures that this augurs well for the twelve months ahead. (egotastic.com; more @ wwttd.com)

· More glad tidings for the new year: Jillian Beyor is Playboy's first CyberGirl of the Week for 2007. The remaining 51 weeks of the year have a lot to live up to. (dailyniner.com)

· We have no idea who these female soldiers are or where they're serving. We do know, however, that we like the way they salute. (softblog.it)

· Take this Nerve quiz and test your sexual knowledge of 2006. We totally would've scored better if we had been able to remember that chick who kept on getting caught by the paparazzi without her panties on. (No not her—the other one.) (nerve.com)

· Jenna Jameson says that she has an issue with the fact that most male talent in porn is totally unrealistic due to their use of performance-enhancing supplements. Which is, of course, why she's dating a pro fighter. (seattlepi.nwsource.com)

· Meanwhile, we finally figured out the only way songstress Mariah Carey and pornstress Mary Carey can reasonably settle their ongoing legal squabbles: a hot girl-on-girl nude Dove Cream Oil wrestling match. Hey gals ... you're both winners!

(See more @ 10 Zen Monkeys and TMZ.com)

· If you're going to the AVN Awards next week, photographer Michael Grecco wants to hear from you for a book project he's working on. Of course, you'll probably have to look like a porn star to expect a call back. But we still figured we'd help spead the word. (michaelgrecco.com + avn.com)

· Fine, Paris Hilton ... you win. If you take a shower in public then we guess we'll write about you (and your friend Kim Kardashian) again. But just this once. (hollywoodtuna.com)

· Britney Spears' vagina has it's own New Year's resolution, but unfortunately the brain it's attached too might have other ideas. (prettyontheoutside.typepad.com)

· For those who are interested in such things, The Smoking Gun has the court papers from Mariah Carey's fight with Mary Carey over their names. We like a little more visual evidence in our pornstar lawsuits, but that's just us. (thesmokinggun.com)

· If real human calendar babes are a little too much, maybe the computer generated variety would appeal to you more. When you break it all down, they're all mostly silicon anyway right? (thesun.co.uk)

· A Chicago massage parlor is not only accused of offering more than massages, they may also have been broadcasting those happy endings on the internet. Talk about getting rubbed the wrong way. (suntimes.com)

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· We don't know anyone who really uses the Microsoft-sponsored Ms. Dewey search engine to find anything online. But we do know that plenty of people will now be able to see her naked without actually having to ask her. (msdewey.com + toxicmagazine.com)

· The always reliable Mary Carey pulls a Britney while getting into her car at a club—which would've been bigger news had she been elected governor of California and/or hadn't built an entire career out of flashing her crotch in public. (video @ tmz.com)

· We're also not above posting a photo of a hot model trying to adjust her thong—especially since we also know that you're not above clicking on that link. (tmz.com)

· We think this would be a great update for the Mozilla Firefox logo. In fact, we've already upgraded our extensions, if you know what we mean. (2spare.com)

· Dutch women are growing and 32 percent of them now have a D-cup or bigger. It's official: We're heading to Amsterdam for Spring Break. (expatica.com)

· Seattlest has an interesting question for the cops who busted 14 dancers at a local strip club: if they're all prostitutes, where are the johns? Or do the cops think they acted alone? (seattlest.com)

· Finally, because it's Friday and why the hell not, here's some vintage Bettie Page. The classics never go out of style. (YouTube)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives