Fleshbot: jessica simpson

Hustler Continues Untrue Rampage By Targeting Jessica Simpson

DCypher — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 15:00:00 EDT

Porn director of yore Stuart Canterbury makes a plucky comeback with "Hustler's Untrue Hollywood Stories - Jessica Simpson" starring Jessica Lynn, Gracie Glam, Kiera King, Melissa Jacobs, and Rachel Roxxx. Are you ready for the inside references?

Truth be told (or not), there's a whole lot to know about this broad and you don't want to miss a single moment of the goodness. And that's what we're here for: to help you break it down!

Ever since she famously asked whether Chicken of the Sea was tuna or chicken on her MTV reality show with her boy toy husband, American's have had an appetite for all things Jessica Simpson that simply cannot be satisfied. Since then, real life Simpson has regaled us with her amazing personal life, dating "creepy" John Mayer, sports hero Tony Romo, and possibly even Gerald Butler. She's also wowed us with her acting ability, which pretty much consists of her looking scorching hot in a pair of cut off jeans and then packing on an unhealthy amount of weight only to suspiciously shed it a few months later when the media made fun or her. Oh, and Eminem keeps picking on her, which means you must be famous (cough—one trick pony!).

The point is that week after precious week of our human lives, as we inch closer towards the grave, we find comfort, solace, and fascination in the sexual exploits of this once bright shining star. Whether it be outright attraction or simply morbid curiousity we can't help but wonder about her luscious genitals. The truth is, without a sex tape we will probably never know what her delightful pink butterfly looks like or is really up to, except when we use the power of our wonderful imaginations to dream the unknowable!

Or we can just buy this movie that our super cool Uncle Larry Flynt had made that pretty much covers all of that and more. While we don't want to give too much away we can pretty much tell you flat out that it is awesome. That is a direct quote.

"Hustler's Untrue Hollywood Stories - Jessica Simpson" comes out next week, but you can check a free sample of the goods here right now and see if it's your thing. We're pretty sure John Mayer will—and we hope he writes about it in his famously tedious blog. (Just kidding, John!)

Penthouse Salutes The Hottest WAGs Of The NFL

Lux Alptraum — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 14:00:00 EDT

Professional football kicks off next week—so what better time to salute the lovely ladies who've paired up with players? This month's issue of Penthouse takes a long hard look at the top ten NFL WAGs.

Not surprisingly, most of the women who landed on the list have, at one time or another, posed in some state of undress (that's how we know they're hot!). You'll have to buy Penthouse if you want to actually see their tribute to these WAGs...but we still managed to dig up some pretty sexy photos of the ladies who made the list. Take a gander below—and let us know who you're glad to see on the list (and who was unfairly left off).

1. Vida Guerra (Jeremy Shockey, TE, New Orleans Saint)

2. Carmella DeCesare (Jeff Garcia, QB, Oakland Raiders )

3. Kim Kardashian (Reggie Bush, RB, New Orleans Saint)

4. Brande Roderick (Cade McNown, QB, Chicago Bears)

5. Heather Kozar (Tim Couch, QB, Cleveland Browns)

6. Jennifer Walcott (Adam Archuleta, S, St. Louis Rams)

7. Kendra Wilkinson (Hank Baskett, WR, Philadelphia Eagles)

8. Jessica Simpson (Tony Romo, QB, Dallas Cowboys)

9. Gisele Bundchen (Tom Brady, QB, New England Patriots)

10. Mercedes Lindsay (Jason Campbell, QB, Washington Redskins)

· Penthouse (penthouse.com)
· List via Nudography (nudography.com)

Kim Kardashian says she really likes Jessica...

Fleshbot — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 14:39:20 EDT

Kim Kardashian says she really likes Jessica Simpson's boobs. Now that we know we have something in common, can we finally put all that crappy sex tape business behind us? We'll try not to mention it again if she won't. (laragmag.com)

Is there a conspiracy afoot to keep Jessica...

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 10:40:24 EDT

Is there a conspiracy afoot to keep Jessica Simpson's exposed vag covered up? We vow to get to the, uh ... bottom of this. (hollywoodtuna.com)

Because we know you've been dying for a...

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 18:42:30 EDT

Because we know you've been dying for a definitive answer, Jessica Simpson swears her boobs are real. And if a quote from a closely-managed P.R. campaign doesn't convince you we don't know what will. (usatoday.com, via egotastic.com)

Wet Spots: Bring On The Dancing Girls!

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 09 May 2007 18:29:02 EDT

· Jessica Simpson and Eva Longoria are totally BFFL. We hope the spotlight stays big enough for the both of them or things could get ugly. (egotastic.com)

· A school in Denmark refuses to give up its annual student striptease simply because this year's event turned into a topless lesbian romp that ended up on YouTube. Nope ... nothing inappropriate about that. (metro.co.uk)

· The city of Houston has spent $1.3 million dollars over the last ten years on outside lawyers fees to defend its adult business ordinance in court. Just think how many lap dances those lawyers could buy! (chron.com)

· What's up with Zoo Weekly posting pictures of babes who haven't taken their bras off? Are they not feeling well? (latenightpictures.com)

· Nassau County, Long Island cracks down on the "wall of pornography" at your local convenience store. Where else are you supposed to thumb through dirty magazines without paying for them? (newsday.com)

· It makes sense that lawyers would try to talk people into divorce. With all the boobs (and pecs) in the world, it's a wonder anyone gets married in the first place? (bodogbeat.com)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

Morning Wood: Jessica Simpson's Breasts Make Stunning Comeback

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 07 May 2007 11:30:52 EDT

· Canadians fondly remember their greatest—and only—political call girl sex scandal. Yes, it happened 50 years ago, but why should they bother when we Americans are so good at it? (ctv.ca)

· Jessica Simpson would like to remind you that she has breasts. Duly noted. (Now, about that eyeliner ... ) (hollywoodtuna.com)

· Would you trust your money to a bank founded and run by sex workers? Their interest rates are competitive, but they're very strict about where you can make your deposits. (dnaindia.com)

· These boxer shorts are a lovely way to say that you rarely get to take your pants off in front of real women. (livejournal.com)

· Photographer Spencer Tunick got 18,000 people to take their clothes off in public in Mexico CIty this weekend, 16,872 of whom just showed up to see a couple of chicks with no shirts on. (nytimes.com)

· In order to avoid cancer, you should cut off your penis? That's one ancient Chinese secret we'd rather not know about. (zonaeuropa.com, via voyage.typepad.com)

· Another community forced to choose between drinking alcohol and watching all-nude dancing. Life just isn't fair. (montgomeryadvertiser.com)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

Wet Spots: Raining Pussycats and Horny Dogs

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 18 Apr 2007 20:10:28 EDT

· Adjustable breast implants? Love dolls for dogs? Are those nerds at Gizmodo trying to muscle in on our freak turf? (Gizmodo)

· We're a little concerned over the prospect of Jessica Simpson as a Pussycat Doll? Does she know they aren't actual cats? (allheadlinenews.com)

· Halle Berry is no longer interested in flashing her tits, and has decided to show everyone her ass instead. We don't care if she's coming or going. (hollywoodtuna.com)

· This guide to gay bathhouses will come in very handy for straight guys, provided they don't mind being not straight for a few hours. (blogto.com)

Google is a little bit less cool about adult websites than they used to be. If we understood how internet advertising worked, we'd probably be pissed. (avn.com)

· China cracks down on internet naughtiness, but forgets to write a law against nude web chats. To be fair, we didn't think people still did that stuff either. (msnbc.com)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

Celebrity NippleWatch™: Ashlee Simpson

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 03 Jan 2007 16:40:02 EST

Those Simpson girls have always seemed more like competitors than loving sisters to us, and despite the elder Jessica's hits songs, movie career and giant knockers, young Ashlee now has something her big sis doesn't—a bona fide nipple slip. Okay, so it's maybe just half a nipple and a little out of focus, but since Jess hasn't given us anything better than a half-hearted see-through, we think this puts Ash in the lead. We really hope this kicks the sibling rivalry into another gear and 2007 will bring us upskirt photos, sex tapes, and all kinds of celebrity pop tart goodness. Come on, girls! Lindsay and Britney have pulled way ahead of you, and if you want to hold our attention you've got to step it up a bit. Your dwindling fan base is waiting.

· Ashlee Simpson Nipple Slip Pictures!!! (egotastic.com)

Previously: Celebrity NippleWatch : Jessica Simpson See-Through, Celebrity NippleWatch Archive

Wet Spots: Welcome To The Club, Jessica Simpson!

Fleshbot — Mon, 27 Nov 2006 19:14:15 EST

· If Britney Spears is the new Paris Hilton, then we suppose Jessica Simpson is the new Britney Spears ... at least where sex tape rumours are concerned, that is. We only wish that "source" would send us a clip by way of proof instead of mouthing off to some British tabloid about it; we're a little mistrustful of "news items" like this these days, you see. (femalefirst.co.uk)

· We have no idea what this commercial for French clothing company Arayal is supposed to be selling, but we'll take half a dozen in every color, please. See? Advertising really does work! (totallycrap.com)

· Too bad Sherlock Holmes wasn't around to solve The Case of the Broken Dildo. Then again, if he had been we would've been deprived of one of the best laughs we've had all week, and then where would we be? (ocweekly.com, via regularpervert.com)

· Warning: Many of the women on dating site True.com may not, in fact, have boobs as truly spectacular as the ones in their banner ads. We wouldn't want any of you to be disappointed or anything in your search for love. (copyranter.blogspot.com)

· Some cultural critics in Australia seem to be a little concerned these days over the fact that porn has gone mainstream. We guess some things take a little longer to catch on Down Under. (theage.com.au)

· Sweden's prison system may begin banning inmates' access to porn magazines to avoid offending female prison workers. Didn't the Geneva Convention say something about cruel and unusual punishment?

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

Wet Spots

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 20:05:56 EDT

· There are sports fans, and then there are people who really love sports. Some guys—like the one standing next to the cheerleader with the broken arm—make it easy to tell the difference. (Deadspin)

· While some might be shocked that Charlotte Church beat Kate Moss in a poll to determine the best celebrity figures, we think it all comes down to a matter of taste. Like, for example, deciding whether to have a couple of scoops of extra-rich vanilla ice cream versus two Tic Tacs for dessert. (hollywoodtuna.com + contactmusic.com)

· A reverend in Texas has condemned the Simpson sisters with the worst curse of all: saggy boobs. Even "The Dukes of Hazzard" wasn't that horrible a sin. (thesun.co.uk)

· We're disgusted that someone would ride his motorcycle through town wearing nothing but a football helmet. That's a such a clear violation of head safety laws. (570news.com)

· Innocent clubgoers in Las Vegas continue to be terrorized by the dreaded Paris Hilton assflap. Won't someone please think of the children? (Or at least anyone standing within eyeshot of Paris Hilton in clubs in Las Vegas.) (Defamer)

· Pity poor young men who find that all is not what it seems once the bra comes off. Life is full disappointments and sometimes you just have to learn that the hard way. (story w/Paris Hilton boob slideshow @ sky.com)

· A man in Iowa has to pay $14,000 (!) to his old neighbor for sitting in his house and staring at her ... naked. When did being creepy get so expensive? (whotv.com)

· Step One: Add a live web camera function to Xbox online gaming. Step Two: Find a way to block unwanted live web camera porn while playing Xbox games online. Is there anyone who didn't see that coming? (gamerscoreblog.com, via Kotaku)

· Today's Eastern European news story that sounds dubious but which we desperately wish was true: a Bulgarian woman's breast implants act as an airbag and save her life in a car crash. Er, it could happen! (iol.co.za)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

Celebrity NippleWatch™: Jessica Simpson See-Through

Jonnobot — Wed, 02 Aug 2006 14:09:45 EDT

Remember when Jessica Simpson was sort of the sweeter, dumber version of Britney Spears? You'd never know it judging from her look these days, all bleached hair and Pamela Anerson-esque lipstick'd pout. And could these brand new see-through dress shots merely be the beginning of the slippery (nipply?) slope that leads to full-on wardrobe malfunctions and the eventual leaked sex tape? We can but only hope.

· " Jessica Simpson Left Her Bra at Home" (idontlikeyouinthatway.com)

Previously: Lindsay Lohan Bikini Exhaustion, Celebrity NippleWatch™ Archive