If that's not depressing enough, try the dildo that puts you on a self-imposed sex strike based on the measurements of certain political and social facts. For example, if you set a "tolerance limit" of two Iraqi civilian deaths a day, then on any day where civilian deaths in Iraq exceed that number, the vibrator is locked out and you can't use it. No one dies and you're free to jack it! Awesome! Also creepy!

Obviously, these inventions are more Statements than useful masturbatory devices—it's probably better to imagine how a 8.5 quake would rock your hoo-hah instead of waiting for one. But the attempt to tie your daily orgasms to events affecting other people on Earth is a fascinating concept.

Both of these projects are being developed by a group called Cho-Yaba to compete for the "Golden Kleene" award at the next Arse Elektronika this fall. We're very interested in seeing the final results, even if given what we've seen so far their third as-yet-unveiled project—something called the "Perpetual Erection Machine"—is almost too spooky to contemplate. Even for us.

· a series of controversial dildonics (free.fr, via Slashdong)
· Controversial Dildonics (cho-yaba.com)
· Arse Elektronika 2008 (monochrom.at)

The secret to being a good inventor is to take a successful existing product—house slippers, remote control, lamp—and add a clock boobs. Now you've got something clever that can easily be marketed in your finer novelty shops and truck stop kiosks! As you can see from the examples featured in this online roundup of boobified products, these trinkets are stylish, creative, fun to play with and, most of all, classy. Everybody loves to feel and be felt up, so if you're looking for a few last minute items to fill up those Easter baskets, you can never go wrong with any toy that somehow resembles a woman's breast. In fact, we're just thinking out loud over here, but a vibrating boob hand massager might even look good on the desk of your favorite hard-working porn blogger. We're just saying.

· "10 Ways to Have Fun with Boobs" (americaninventorspot.com)

Previously: Vintage Hussy Trucker Hats: Feel The Irony!, Bravissimo: Big Bras For Big Boobs, The Inch Perfect: "How Deep Is Your Love?", Unusual Underwear, Fleshbot's Valentine's Day Gift Guide

In case merely looking at sexy furniture pics was leaving you a bit frustrated, you might be interested in this interview starring Fleshbot Gal Friday Violet Blue (we're not sure which version), who went booty-to-booty with Slashdong's qDot at SXSW in Austin last week to unveil his latest teledildonic invention: the Twitterdildonic sofa, which uses a text feed from the already buzzworthy Twitter miniblogging service in conjunction with a software-engineered Rez Trance Vibrator to create the world's "first augmented reality couch". Even though he modestly calls his new tech mashup "completely useless", qDot has supplied the source code for anyone who wants to rig up one of these to replace that old Barcalounger in the living room—though all it takes is one look at Violet's face while she's sitting on the prototype during the interview to convince us that IKEA needs to start mass production on these things immediately. Who knows—it might even make sitting there looking at boring celebrity sex tapes all evening something to actually look forward to!

· "new getv episode: twitterdildonics and qdot" and "Twitterdildonic Stimulation" (QuickTime video @ tinynibbles.com + GETV)
· "Twitterdildonics" (slashdong.org)
· Twitter (twitter.com)
· "Mini-blog is the talk of Silicon Valley" (msnbc.msn.com)

Previously: The Ooh!, Porn Vegas Dispatch: Virtual Holes and Virtual Sticks, Marital Aid Test Kitchen: The Delldo, The Wiibrator, Sexy Furniture by Mario Philippona, Sonny Black Dungeon Furniture, Italian Sex Chair, Furniture Porn Movie, More Furniture Porn

As if spending too many hours trawling Google's new Patent Search feature for the latest in insertable technology wasn't diverting enough, it's now even easier to keep up with what's going on in the sex gizmo world via the recent official launch of X-RatedPatents.com. which culls the Google listings for things like Breast Implant Injectors and Penile Volumetric Measuring Devices and presents them to you in convenient blog format, complete with their original illustrations. Of course, looking for these things is part of our job description, so we can legitimately claim it's made our day-to-day work more efficient; unless your job involves dildonic research (or sex blogging, for that matter), you'll have to come up with your own excuse when your boss catches you at your desk trying to make your own Lap Dance Liner out of a couple of paper towels and a piece of fine-grained sandpaper.

· Breast Implant Injector And Method Of Use, Penile Volumetric Measuring Device, Lap Dance Liner (all these and more @ X-RatedPatents.com)

Previously: Top Ten Sex Toy Patents, Sex Patents, Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive

The interwebs have been abuzz this week with the launch of Google's new Patent Search service, which allows anyone to easily sift the records of the US Patent Office, dating all the way back to the 1700s. (So what if you could already do this at the Patent Office's own site? Now it's all Google-y!) Naturally, it took less than a day for someone to do something dirty with it and our friends at Homemade Sex Toys have already furnished their list of the best sexual device patents. We're not sure if any of these inventions will ever (or should ever) make it to the market—although the "cunnilingus assistant" might have its uses—but whatever you think of the crazy people who came up with stuff, remember ... they were only trying to help.

· Top Ten Sex Toy Patents (homemade-sex-toys.com)
· Google launches patent search site (news.com.com)
· Google Patents (Google)

Previously: Sex Patents, Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive

· The E! show "Wild On" doesn't exist anymore—but fortunately former host Cindy Taylor does. You can still get wild without leaving the house. (popoholic.com)

· What would a nice Jewish mother think of her daughter starring in hardcore porn movies? Ask Joanna Angel's mom and she'll tell you. (Hint: She's not thrilled.) (interview + Joanna's response @ jewcy.com)

· Perverts everywhere hail the invention of this hidden shower spy cam that doubles as a mirror and FM radio. Now all you have to do is figure out how to sneak it into the college women's volleyball team locker room of your choice and all your prayers will really have been answered. (Gizmodo)

· Only 48% of women in South Africa are satisfied with their sex lives, which—if our calculations are correct—means the rest of South Africa is about 52% lame. (iol.co.za)

· Parent's groups go after the latest scourge infiltrating our public libraries: comic books. Don't make us call in Batman. (columbiamissourian.com)

· A photographer in Kentucky is asked to remove his pictures from an exhibit because the model in them is almost, sorta, but not quite naked. The outrage is also appropriately modest. (kentucky.com)

· Hump Day exercise corner: Follow the bouncing balls, if you can. (YouTube, via adpunch.org)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· Some girl from Louisiana might have done something today. Maybe you heard about it? (Gawker)

· Meanwhile, Monica Bellucci is like her own walking sex tape all the time; every time she's captured on film, it just feels naughty. (gorillamask.net)

· It's our pledge to bring you the finest in online breasts, and we will never force our readers to look at "droobs." Unless, of course, you know about a really cool site that features them, in which case we'll absolutely post about it. We're not snobs. (thesun.co.uk)

· Headline of the Day: "Porn can give you worms." We knew about the addiction and moral decay of society, but that's just gross. (heise-security.co.uk)

· China holds its fourth annual Sex Culture Festival, only this year it's no kids allowed. Now you're going to see some fun. (chinabroadcast.cn, via avn.com)

· Meanwhile, a Japanese company has developed an eco-friendly bra that doubles as a shopping bag, perfect for bringing all those nice ripe melons home from the market. (Shut up. You know what we mean.) (sexblo.gs)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives