Fleshbot: eric john

Learn The Feminine Mystique From "Not The Brady Bunch XXX: Pussy Power"

Ottimo Massimo — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 17:00:00 EST

Sure, this episode was good, but Will Ryder should probably move on before Cousin Oliver shows up.

Not The Bradys XXX: Pussy Power

Studio: LFP Distribution/X-Play
Director: Will Ryder
Cast: Lexi Belle, Dylan Riley, Kacey Jordan, Alana Evans, Lynn Lemay, Ashlyn Rae, Nicole Ray, Tanner Mayes, Mike Horner, Kris Slater, James Deen, Mikey Butders, Ron Jeremy, Eric John, Seth Gamble, Dane Cross

On this episode of "Not The Bradys," young Jan (now played by Dylan Riley) feels neglected by her family, teachers, and—most of all—the boys at her school. Little does Jan know that all she needs to get a little attention (or tickets to a concert, or good grades) is some Pussy Power. And with that skirting-the-edges-of-sexist comment, let the film begin!

Lucky for Jan, bad girl Tanner Mayes shows up at the Brady Compound and wildly masturbates in Jan's bed, which somehow introduces her to the world of mature decisions and sexual favors. Jan realizes that the key to Marcia's success has always been blowjobs, and so her only hope of "being good at something" lies in emulating her big sister.

Meanwhile, everyone else is having sex, looking good in their ‘70s garb, maintaining erections and wholesome imagery, etc. Lexi Belle is the new Marcia, and she fits the role just fine. Her secret romp with the high school quarterback is not only inspirational to the viewer, but to Jan and Cindy as well.

On the male side of things, all is well. James Deen is still adorable as Peter. He somehow manages to look goofy and enthusiastic in the middle of his scene with Tanner, just like good ol' Christopher Knight. Mikey Butders embodies the coy Bobby Brady just as well. His threesome with Ashlyn Rae and Nicole Ray is one of the finest in Brady family history. Except maybe for that one time Alice stumbled into Mr. and Mrs. B's bedroom.

But hey, gang! There are some things more disappointing than Jan's violin playing (insert laugh track here). They still haven't delivered on that real, slow Sam the Butcher/Alice loving, although the characters talk about it non-stop. However, there is a simulated sex scene in which Alice ducks behind the kitchen island and Ron Jeremy pretends to be fellated most comically. Like most of the humor in Will Ryder parodies, this goes until it becomes awkward, keeps going, and then arbitrarily stops.

All in all, it feels like another Will Ryder movie: the sex is very good, the comedy is very bad, and everyone can feel ok about the lack of Brady-on-Brady boinking. The whole Pussy Power thing is something to think about. We always wondered how Carol convinced a man to take her and her three daughters in; "much more than a hunch" indeed.

Hustler Breathes New Life Into "90210" With Porn Parody

Lux Alptraum — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 17:30:01 EST

You may not agree, but we, for one, found the recent reboot of "90210" a bit disappointing. True, Shenae Grimes was stunning...but where's the hardcore sex? The orgy at the Peach Pit? The hardcore sex?

Fortunately, Hustler's happy to provide all the things the CW denied us: enter "This Ain't 90210 XXX," a sexier spin on the lives of those crazy kids from Beverly Hills. Now if they could just manage to include AnnaLynne McCord's nipple...we'd be all set.

· The Peach Pit Gang Is BACK! (hustlerworld.com)

"Flight Attendants" Crashes Despite Ample Buoyancy

Gram Ponante — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 17:00:00 EDT

Global Air's ridership has taken a nosedive since one of its planes did. And rival Trans Con won't let Global forget it! So Global's flight attendants decide to grow their customer base the only way they know how.

Flight Attendants

Studio: X-Play/Adam & Eve
Director: Will Ryder
Cast: Kayden Kross, Evan Stone, Hillary Scott, Teagan Presley, Sunny Lane, Eva Angelina, Misty Stone, Shyla Stylez, Kacey Jordan, Lexi Love, Michelle Maylene, Randy Spears, James Bartholet, Eric John, Jack Lawrence, Eric Swiss, Thomas Ward, Brad Hardy, Kenzi Marie, Chastity Lynn, Farrah Foxx, Dino Bravo, Barry Scott

Review by: Gram Ponante

X-Play's newest film (following last week's "Monday Night Football") continues the company's diversification into porn comedies that aren't based on a particular show. This one draws broadly from "Airplane!" with a healthy dose of Jim Holliday's ensemble pornos of the 90's (Holliday gets namechecked in the movie) as well as Digital Playground's recent successes in occupational porn, "Cheerleaders," "Babysitters," "Nurses," and "Teachers."

A co-production with Adam & Eve like last year's Zero Tolerance/A&E matchup "Rollerdollz," "Flight Attendants" tries so hard to please that it collapses with the effort. Such a large cast means not enough room for everyone to shine, and the story is so needlessly convoluted that you will actually become stupider while watching it.

Q. But Grams, surely you're not saying that you would fault a porn movie for a poorly-executed story. Isn't sex all that matters?
A. While sex is all that matters, at least at this point in our lives, you should probably just buy ten copies of "Flight Attendants," watch each one, and feel your IQ drop by ten points each time. Then you will be this movie's target audience, and will support X-Play's future filmic endeavors.

Multiple uses of flashbacks and dream sequences are neither effective nor funny, the theme song is grating, and the numerous gay and black/urban poor jokes made by and at the expense of performer James Bartholet and openly black performer Misty Stone try too hard to be outrageous and fall flat. It was often amazing how "Flight Attendants" made two subjects that are normally hilarious - race and sexual orientation - unfunny while trying to be "broad."

Speaking of broad, let's talk about the sex.

X-Play has assembled an all-star cast and we slog through way too much plot before any cast members commence to fucking. While there are standout scenes between Shyla Stylez and Randy Spears, the newly-returned Hillary Scott and Barry Scott (no relation), and Kayden Kross and Evan Stone, we don't see nearly enough of Sunny Lane, Eva Angelina, Teagan Presley, or Lexi Love. And, in an industry where people don't need much of an excuse to have sex, "Flight Attendants" manages to strain credulity.

I think X-Play in particular and parodies in general need to take a vacation.

We know the recent difficulty of making money in porn, and part of the current marketing strategy involves having numerous products on the shelves. X-Play is also playing two sides of the field by releasing movies through distributors Adam & Eve as well as Hustler. But it seems that a company that can make such note-perfect parodies like "Not Married with Children" and "Not the Cosby Show" may have extended its reach this time; "Flight Attendants" did not need to be bad.

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John Madden’s Penis Delightfully Absent From “Not Monday Night Football XXX”

Ottimo Massimo — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 17:00:00 EDT

Perhaps XPlay was concerned about offending fans? We personally would've been stoked to finally see Howard Cosell's little monkey.

Not Monday Night Football XXX

Studio: XPlay
Director: Will Ryder
Cast: Angelina Armani, Lela Star, Sarah Vandella, Layla Rivera, Jaelyn Fox, Jessica Bangkok, Britney Stevens, Ashlyn Rae, Alyssa Reece, Topanga Fox, Ally Ann, Yurizan Beltran, Amia Miley, Tatum Pierce, Delila Darling, Cindy Jones, Mai Ly, Sophie Dee, Laci Laine, Rick Madrid, Billy Goodrich, Lee Bang, Evan Stone, Thomas Ward, Scott Lyons, Eric John, Kris Slater

It's one thing to parody a sitcom, but parodying an American institution like Monday Night Football requires both a solid sense of humor as well as serious focus on fucking. The challenge for XPlay is even greater with this parody because there are no protagonists to ground the plot, and no classic conflicts to spice up with sex. As a result, "Not Monday Night Football XXX" features an amalgamation of sportscasting legends doing what makes them memorable.

Rick Madrid plays the staccato-voiced Howard Cosell, who commands the preview show that the film is based around. He is joined by John Madden, played by Billy Goodrich, who spends time with fans, draws on the telestrator, and pimps tough-actin' Tinactin.

True to life, celebrities stop by to plug their latest projects/remind us of their scandals. OJ Simpson has his future read (keep in mind this is the 80s OJ), causing the fortune teller to flee the scene. Bill Cosby (manned by the same Thomas Ward who starred in "Not The Cosbys XXX") shows up as well, followed by a furious Laci Laine who demands Cosby leave his wife for her.

Although these allusions provide amusing intermissions from sex, they feel more like piecemeal potshots and less like parodies of the events they reference. Poking fun at the gimmicky, self-serving habits of a major network is clever, but without a strong, over-arching plot to center the jokes, the parody becomes a gimmick itself.

And like most parody porn, there's a clear distinction between the amusing and the arousing. There was one instance of Madden using the telestrator to discuss his favorite things about Angelina Armani (boobs, eyes, long, flowing hair), but it would've been doubly as funny to see him narrate an instant replay, telestrating the path of Eric John's cock as four cheerleaders tackle him in the locker room. Perhaps a "BAM!" or two would've been appropriate.

But there really isn't much to complain about. The simple fact that seventeen girls cram into five separate scenes is a daunting feat. With such an enormous cast, one might wonder how parody prince Will Ryder manages to coach this dreamteam to glory.

The answer? Teamwork: four gals for every gent, and no one hits the sidelines when the action is on. There's no showboating, no ball hogging, and the fans go wild for every play (seriously, there's non-stop cheering). Also, since every sex scene features a POV moment, viewers at home get to feel like they're part of the team! The sportsmanship is simply awe-inspiring.

Of course, there are a few star players. Evan Stone and Angelina Armani have the only one-on-one scene as the legendary quarterback Manhattan Joe and some floozy. He helps her get her foot in the door as a sideline reporter, so she helps him get his cock in her mouth.

"Well if I'm gonna taste your cock," she says, "I want you to taste my pussy." See? Teamwork.

Also exciting is the fact that Yurizan Beltran has her first non-solo scene. Yurizan, Lela Star, Mai Ly, and Alyssa Reece get bored watching the game at home, so they decide to ditch the remote and grab the vibrators. Even though it's her first time, Yurizan gives it 110% and really goes deep. I sincerely hope she continues this sociable trend.

The general mindset for parody pornographers seems to be "What if this show had hardcore sex in it?" Unfortunately, the finished product presents the question "What if this hardcore sex had jokes near it?" And while it's smart to unite the eternally homosocial institutions of pornography and sports, it's important to make sure they play together well. Perhaps "Not Monday Night Football XXX" could've used a couple more scrimmages before hitting the field.

And now I'm out of football puns.

Class Is In Session: "This Ain't Saved By The Bell XXX"

Lux Alptraum — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 13:30:01 EDT

Summer's done, and school's back in session—and come October 6, the kids of Bayside High will be back for some very naughty adventures, courtesy of Hustler's "This Ain't Saved by the Bell XXX."

Though the trailer doesn't give away much of the plot, we've heard rumors that Jessie Spano seduces a nerdy cohort through a lecture on saving the dolphins that segues into a lecture on proper cunnlingus technique. Yeah, that totally could have happened on the original show.

· Go Back to School with This Ain't Saved by the Bell XXX (hustlerworld.com)

"This Ain't Saved By The Bell"—The Liveblog

Lux Alptraum — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 12:30:01 EDT

Dying to know more about the porn epic that is "This Ain't Saved by the Bell XXX"? Of course you are. And Hustler is dying to tell you more about the project: that's why they're liveblogging the filming.

Yesterday was the first day, and the liveblog has already revealed Scott Stone's "Zach" hair, the return of The Max, and—most shockingly of all—which performer was outfitted with a prosthetic nose (any guesses?). The Hustler team will be keeping us posted of updates throughout the rest of the filming...stay tuned for more shocking revelations!

· Live blogging: This Ain't Saved by the Bell XXX Day 1 (hustlerworld.com)

Porn, Through The Eyes Of Kramer

Lux Alptraum — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 12:10:00 EDT

If Seinfeld's Kramer created a porn, what would it look like? New Sensations offers one interpretation (though personally, we'd envision it just a tad differently...)

· Buy "Seinfeld - A XXX Parody" (gamelink.com)
· "Seinfeld - A XXX Parody" (seinfeldxxx.com)

*****

Previously: "Seinfeld XXX": Festivus Comes Early And Often With Kristina Rose

"This Ain't Saved By The Bell XXX" Vs. "Saved By The Bell": A Comparison

Lux Alptraum — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 11:30:01 EDT

Have you heard the news about "Saved by the Bell"? No, we're not talking about that lame reunion...we're talking about the "Saved by the Bell" porno that Hustler's been hard at work on.

As per usual, we've secured a copy of the porno cast list, and have compared the originals to their doppelgangers to see how everyone stacks up. Your thoughts?

Zack: Mark-Paul Gosselaar
XXX Zack: Scott Stone

Kelly: Tiffani Thiessen
XXX Kelly: Ashlyn Rae

Jessie: Elizabeth Berkley
XXX Jessie: Missy Stone

Lisa: Lark Voorhies
XXX Lisa: Misty Stone

Slater: Mario Lopez
XXX Slater: Mikey Butders

Screech: Dustin Diamond
XXX Screech: Ralph Long

Mr. Belding: Dennis Haskins
XXX Mr. Belding: Eric John

Requisite additional female characters:

Jennifer: Ally Ann

Cheerleader: Nicole Ray

Nerdy Girl: April O'Neal

We, for one, are sad to see that Evan Stone did not make the cut. We're not sure what he would have played, but we would have loved to see a Scott-Missy-Misty-Evan Stone quadfecta (or would that make the earth explode?).

· This Ain't Saved by the Bell XXX Cast List (hustlerworld.com)

"Seinfeld XXX": Festivus Comes Early And Often With Kristina Rose

Gram Ponante — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 11:30:01 EDT

Porn parodies are like Round And Round, a Ratt cover band fronted by your sister and her really hot friends, with your probation officer on drums; there must be a compelling reason to see them rather than the real thing.

Seinfeld: A XXX Parody

Studio: New Sensations
Director: Lee Roy Myers
Cast: James Deen, Ashlynn Brooke, Sadie West, Evan Stone, Sasha Grey, Cassandra Calogera, Kristina Rose, Natalie Norton, London Keys, Eric John, Tony DeSergio

Review by: Gram Ponante

"Seinfeld: A XXX Parody" is the long-anticipated, much-dreaded New Sensations product that seemed to signal the barrelbottom-scraping of the porn parody trend, in which a show with only one vaguely pornable main character out of several non-starters is upended and tweaked for maximum adult entertainment.

What gave "Seinfeld XXX" the greenlight over, say, an equally unlikely pornic adaptation of "Rhoda" was that some of the cast members were born during the run of the original.

For fans of Jerry Seinfeld's nine-season show, there is plenty about the parody to vaguely nod about; the costumes and set are similar, the familiar bass riffs are there, and director Lee Roy Myers even takes a shot at recreating camera angles.

But is it funny? I seem to remember the original show was funny.

Sadly, though it tries really hard, "Seinfeld: A XXX Parody" is not funny.

(People say the same thing about me, what with my Ratt references that are introduced and never repeated. Just watch.)

"So what's the deal with the '-ography' on the end of 'pornography'?" asks Gary (James Deen—for some reason producers chose to slightly change each character's first name) in a wraparound standup segment. "It means 'to study something,' right?"

Gary then riffs, Jerry Seinfeld-like, on pornography vs. dickography. Deen has the inflection down and Myers has the lighting down, and there is a laugh track that you want to punch in the face, but neither is the segment funny nor does "-ography" mean "to study something." That's "-ology."

Ditto the ballpark re-creations of Kramer ("Crammer"), the Soup Nazi (Evan Stone as the Porn Nazi), and George ("Gorge"); each is a good try but there is nothing in those performances or the writing that justifies a movie.

Kristina Rose as "Elaina" is the exception. She channels Julia Louis-Dreyfus admirably, and she is the gateway to all that is wonderful about "Seinfeld XXX."

Because Rose's two scenes and those of Ashlynn Brooke, Sasha Grey, Sadie West, London Keys, and Cassandra Calogera stand out; it is the one area in the movie where the contrivances are welcome (Calogera interrupts Gary onstage, the only example in recorded history of a good heckler). And that is a huge relief, because it's a porn movie.

What saves "Seinfeld: A XXX Parody" (you have to read the XXX as "triple X" rather than "ecks ecks ecks" to make that A work) is that the sex scenes are really good, which means the movie's priorities are in order.

But do parody producers think the audience deserves the tension involved in a series of unfavorable comparisons with the source material just for the releasing capabilities of a Kristina Rose and Ashlynn Brooke in sex scenes that could have been in any other movie?

I guess so, because I really wanted the sex scenes to be good, and the tit pops and cum shots were more important to me than the punchlines and rim shots.

You're out of the cellar for this round, New Sensations; just don't remake "Maude."

Kristina Rose and James Deen
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Cast Of Twitter Porn Revealed!

Lux Alptraum — Fri, 01 May 2009 17:30:01 EDT

We've gotten word as to which tweeting pornstars have been cast in the soon-to-be shot "Twitter porn"... and the cast's impressive enough to make us forget our doubts about the "Twitter porn" shtick.

Nikki Benz, Britney Stevens, Lexi Belle, Natasha Nice, Tiffany Tyler, Tara Lynn Foxx, Eric John and Wolf Hudson—or should we say @nikkibenz, @xbritneystevens, @omgitslexi, @natasha_nice, @xxxtiffanytyler, @taralynnfoxx, @eric_john, and @wolfhudson?—have all been cast in this no doubt epic, erotic experiment. Will they be featured bootytweeting each other or talking in twitspeak? Will everyone come in 140 characters or less.... and then post the details of their exploits to Twitter? We have no idea—but we're sure we'll find out over the coming months.

· Nikki Benz, Lexi Belle, and More Tapped for Tweet Porn Movie (avn.com)
· Thumbnail star: @natasha_nice, Twitter pornstar

"Seinfeld" Vs. "Seinfeld XXX": A Comparison

Lux Alptraum — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 11:30:01 EDT

If we had to pick a popular sitcom to pornicize, it probably wouldn't be "Seinfeld." But we aren't New Sensations, who are turning the show about nothing into a porn about something very hot.

New Sensations has already impressed with their XXX takes on "The Office" and "Scrubs"—so it's no surprise to see that they've lined up a stellar cast of porn doppelgangers for their erotic reimagining of "Seinfeld." Take a look to see how the pornstars match up to their mainstream counterparts.

(Oh, and before you ask: "Gorge" and "Noman" are nonsex roles, and no, we have no idea why Sasha Grey and Sadie West are playing themselves. Maybe famous comedians like "Gerry" pass the time palling around with pornstars?)

Seinfeld: Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld)
Seinfeld XXX: Gerry (James Deen)

Seinfeld: Elaine (Julia Louis-Dreyfus)
Seinfeld XXX: Elaina (Kristina Rose)

Seinfeld: George (Jason Alexander)
Seinfeld XXX: Gorge (Steve Pomerantz)

Seinfeld: Kramer (Michael Richards)
Seinfeld XXX: Crammer (Eric John)

Seinfeld: Newman (Wayne Knight)
Seinfeld XXX: Noman (J. Walker)

Seinfeld: Susan (Heidi Swedberg)
Seinfeld XXX: Suzanne (Natalie Norton)

Seinfeld: Soup Nazi (Larry Thomas)
Seinfeld XXX: Porn Nazi (Evan Stone)

And the obligatory additional female roles:

Regina: Ashlynn Brooke

Video Clerk: London Keys

Teri: Cassandra Calogera

Sasha Grey: Sasha Grey

Sadie West: Sadie West

And, because New Sensations loves us, here's a little bonus gallery of some of this parody's hottest talent. Enjoy!

· New Sensations (newsensations.com)

"Seinfeld" Added To Porn Parody Roster

Lux Alptraum — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 16:30:01 EDT

Of all the TV shows we've ever seen, "Seinfeld" is probably one of the least sexy we can think of. So of course New Sensations is now shooting "Seinfeld - A XXX Parody." (avn.com)