· I Fucked Screech (heebmagazine.com)

And we mean dog in the most literal sense: think "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" gone XXX. "Porndogs: The Adventures of Sadie" (currently in post-production) is billing itself as a "mass-market hardcore dog movie;" the tale of a young Labrador who goes into heat for the first time, then runs away to the city to avoid getting spayed (sexual adventures—including dog girl-on-girl—ensue).

And Marilyn's not the only big name included in the cast—Dustin Diamond, Tera Patrick, Evan Seinfeld, and (of course) Ron Jeremy all lend their talents to this tale of a dog fuck dog world.

We're not really sure when (or where) this movie will be screening, but if it happens to appear at a theater near you, please go see it and let us know what you think. We'll be sure to do the same.

· "Porndogs: The Adventures of Sadie" (porndogsthemovie.com)
· "Porndogs: The Adventures of Sadie" (imdb.com)
· Porndogs: A Preview (avn.com)
· Thumbnail: Marilyn Chambers with canine counterpart Sadie (avn.com)

Kid Rock: We're pretty sure there was only one reason why the Kid Rock/Scott Stapp sex tape was ever released: to prove (to someone, we don't know who) that these two a) have (or at least had) groupies and b) have received oral sex. We're pretty sure we didn't need to know either of those things — but hey, that's the world of celeb sex tapes for you.

Joanie "Chyna" Laurer: Female pro-wrestlers don't get nearly enough attention in the press—though we're not really sure that the kind of attention that Chyna's sex tape generated was really appreciated by her fellow female wrestlers (can you say "inch-long and thick-as-a-pinkie clitoris with a corona resembling the head of a penis"?).

Amy Fisher: Given that Amy Fisher's biggest claim to fame was shooting someone in the face, it is, perhaps, a little odd that she followed that up with her very own sex tape. Then again, Amy's criminal career was spawned by an affair she had with the much older Buttafuoco. When she was a teenager. And seriously, how hot does "Long Island Lolita: Caught On Tape" sound? (Related, but vastly less hot: the Joey Buttafuoco sex tape.)

Verne Troyer: Next up in our list of unlikely pornstars is Verne Troyer (better known as "Mini-Me."). Though Troyer didn't take too kindly to his time in the spotlight, we feel the release of his sex tape was actually a bit of a public service. Firstly, it taught us all that, no matter how different you may look, there's always someone out there who'll be willing to love you (and commit it to tape!). Secondly, it gave us all a very, very detailed lesson in how not to kiss.

Gene Simmons: And speaking of KISSing (ha!): you can't spell sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll without sex. And no one knows that better than KISS front man Gene Simmons, whose all too brief career in adult entertainment we were more than happy to analyze.

Dustin Diamond: If you'd told us, as kids, that Screech of "Saved by the Bell" fame would one day be the star of his very own sex tape, we probably would have run screaming from the room (well, after having you explain what, exactly, a "sex tape" was). That reaction wouldn't have been so far off: Dustin Diamond's last ditch effort to reclaim the spotlight was pathetic at best—but at the same time, isn't the whole pathetic grasp at fame thing the whole point of a self-released sex tape? (Oh, and also: Dirty Sanchez.)

Jenna Lewis: Screech wasn't the first "celebrity" to cash in on a "stolen" sex tape: that honor goes to Jenna Lewis, better known as Jenna from "Survivor," who raked in over $70,000 (and extended her fifteen minutes of fame) with her very own sex tape.

Kim Kardashian: And then, of course, there was Kim Kardashian's romp with R&B star Ray J. We never really figured out why Kim was supposed to be a celebrity, but at least she managed to make it with someone with at least a little bit of cred. And, for that matter, Kardashian managed to rake in a decent amount of money, too (much as she denied that she had had any part in the tape's public launch).

Colin Farrell and Nicole Narain: Given that Colin Farrell and former Playboy Playmate are two people we'd actually want to see get it on (as opposed to, well, many of the people who made this list), we were largely convinced that their rumored sex tape had to be a hoax. Yet somehow, it wasn't! See, sometimes the powers that be really do listen to our prayers.

Paris Hilton: Paris's tape hits the top of our list not so much for its quality (it's shot in night vision, for one thing, and Paris was never much of performer) but instead for its cultural significance. Before her flirtation with amateur porn, Paris was just a D-list party girl and hotel chain heiress; post-"One Night in Paris," she was a full-fledged C-list celebutante with her very own reality show. Using a sex tape to eke out a modicum of fame and launch oneself into the spotlight? Brilliant. (Oh, and there's also the matter of Paris's sexploits hitting the newswires the same day that Fleshbot launched—five years ago today! So maybe we're a little sentimental? It happens.)

Bonus Scandal! Dita Von Teese: Lovely Dita didn't so much make a "sex tape" as star in some arty lesbian fetish porn—but hey, the video was hot enough (and the scandal hyped up enough), that we had to include it somewhere. It also wins points for generating one of the best headlines ever seen: "Dita Von Teese had sex with a shoe." She sure did.

"Mmmm," says Dustin Diamond—who played "Screech" on the 80's Saturday morning kidcom "Saved by the Bell" and who, if you haven't heard, has released a homemade sex tape called "Screeched"—"Cheese and cracker plate. I could eat that shit right up."

Screech wants us to know he likes cheese and crackers. On a sex tape.

We'll take "SBTB" castmate Elizabeth Berkeley in "Showgirls" any time. Where's her video? Meanwhile, if you're still interested, read our review of "Screeched" after the gap.

- GP

- - -

Screeched

Studio: Red Light District

Director: Dustin "Dirty Sanchez" Diamond

Cast: Screech, with unrelated "bonus scenes" featuring Tia Tanaka, Rebecca Linares, Amy Reid, and Annette Schwartz

Review by Gram Ponante

That Diamond, whose financial woes drove him first to radio stations selling anti-foreclosure t-shirts, now peddles a sex tape through "1 Night in Paris" purveyors Red Light District, comes across as painfully self-conscious should be a given, but that the video fails to reveal a hidden redeeming talent is the unkindest cut of all.

Diamond made the tape after a Wisconsin club appearance when he was invited to join a bachelorette party in their hotel room, so he tells the camera, and the video is part of a series of competing sex tapes released by his friends. He addresses the camera as both "Mark" and "Bro".

Diamond's entreaties to the two-girl bachelorette party (including "You grew up with me, baby!") eventually result in a gradual breakdown of their inhibitions, and it is impressive to hear him talking them down.

Remembering, of course, that the "Bride" and "Bridesmaid" were aware of the filming and that they signed a release form is comforting only because you don't want to believe that Screech acted alone in ruining the marriage.

Shot in very poor P.O.V. style, "Screeched" features too many shots of Diamond's face. It is a plus, though, that the banter seems real and that the bachelorette party, getting consistently drunker, appears nevertheless to be doing this of their own volition.

And that hyped Dirty Sanchez comes as something of an anticlimax. There is a lip. There is poo. Apparently "Bro" offers points for that sort of thing.

The "Screeched" DVD also contains unrelated bonus scenes from porn pros just in case viewers feel Shaved by the Quality. The sex isn't good, but a tape one makes for friends isn't really about that, anyway.

So before buying this, ask yourself: "Am I Dustin Diamond's friend?"

· Red Light District (clubredlight.com)

· Buy "Screeched" (gamelink.com)

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Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive