You may see them hunting around sports bars, or eying young players making jump shots and sinking threes. You may have noticed them eye fucking you half to death while you were cruising the mall for sneaker pumps, peeping in your windows while you were playing solitaire in your boxers in the sanctity of your own living room, or trying to tear your pants off that time you were making pasta over canned heat in a state park. That's because they're cougars, son. They aren't like MILFs. They're like Terminators. They cannot be stopped. Get it?

Pink Visual understands the mechanics better than most, which is why their foray into cougar pr0n features extra strength helpings of cougarliciousness...which is now officially a word you can use in Scrabble. Yes, they put twice as many hawt cougars per scene as the other guys—and clearly it's paying off in spades.

Brenda James teams up with Raquel DeVine and just demolishes, dude. Then Brandi Edwards tags in for a double trouble screwfest with CoCo Stone, and they take out this guy with abs of platinum. Gia Ferrara isn't down for settling with third place, so she pairs off with spicy Latina princess Ann Marie Rios and together they milk homeboy for every ounce of semen in his balls. And that's when Rhylee Richards partners with Sienna West for some get drilled fun. And the winner is...you!

"Cougar Tales" releases this week from those evil geniuses over at Pink Visual. You might want to check that shit out, Holmes (and that goes for the rest of you, as well). In the meanwhile, peek this sneak while you're waiting to be legal to get up and move around again. Do we know our target audience or what?

· Pink Visual (pinkvisual.com)

Seasoned Players 8

Studio: Tom Byron
Director: Tom Byron
Cast: Kelly Nichols, Janet Mason, Devon Lee, Vannah Sterling, Lola Martin

Review by: Gram Ponante

Byron, who is pushing 50, conducts pre-sex interviews with the cougars he will soon service with a familiarity and gentility that is almost humble.

The first scene of Byron's cougar-themed "Seasoned Players 8" features Janet Mason (who happened to turn 42 this week).

Byron reads from a list of Mason's turn-ons and turn-offs as printed from her website. He meets some of the turn-on requirements, but not others. All of this is moot, however, considering they are about to have sex anyway. Still, you can almost see Byron saying "Damn!" when he misses one.

Byron's interview style is much like Tina Tyler's; you don't hear any heavy breathing, (1), and the joke is never on the performer (2). We learn that Mason has been an Internet model for ten years and that she actually loves porn, unlike many of her video counterparts. Byron makes reference to "Porgy And Bess" in the beginning of the interview and, after the sex, allows himself an even more appropriate quote ("Dammit, Janet") from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." It seemed so much more refined.

And it's important that each of the interviews is good because it informs the sex. Fans of cougars will love Devon Lee and Vannah Sterling because they look the part of horny, underappreciated office managers With A Secret. But these women are doing the same thing as their 18-year-old porn counterparts are doing, except with some extra skin flushing, stretchmark stretching, and visible strain, so the interviews allow the viewer a sense of context that a barely-legal kewpie doll without a hint of sag can't provide.

Byron also talks with Lola Martin, who is 32. It is hard for me to think of someone who is 32 as "seasoned" (I, myself, plan to still be making the same mistakes that I do now when I turn 32 in several years' time), but Lola is a firecracker. She tells a story about blowing her dentist that made me rethink my career choices (for the first time!) and seek out reasons for her to stop by my office on her daily errands.

The best pairing, however, was the final scene, with covergirl Kelly Nichols. Nichols last appeared in an adult movie in 1984, and her interview with Byron touched on the old Adult Film Association Awards (precursor to the AVNs) once held at L.A.'s late Ambassador Hotel and a scene they might have appeared in together (though the IAFD has no record of it) in which Nichols thought Byron looked too much like her younger brother.

How does the scene go? Nichols herself turns 50 this year, and she's still got it (though she keeps much of it hidden under a blouse). When she coaxes from Byron her first porn pop shot in a quarter century, she laughs out loud.

In short, maybe the latest teen off the bus from Nevada might be decades more toned, firm, and disaffected than these seasoned players, but what's there to talk about?

· Tom Byron Pictures (evolutiondist.com)
· Buy "Seasoned Players 8" (gamelink.com)

But what do you want from us? It's a Saturday, and we're looking forward to getting to see beautiful Ashley with a cock in her mouth. We have a feeling you'll understand once you get a chance to view this clip.

· Buy "MILF Riders #4" (gamelink.com)
· Adam & Eve (adameve.com)

Wicked Pictures' perennial class clown Jonathan Morgan brings his comedic vision, a la Crocodile Hunter, to a dead paradigm, and even breathes new life into it—shockingly enough. Despite the fact that this joke died shortly after Steve's tragic passing, Morgan, who seems arguably stuck in the past at points, manages to resurrect it with vigor and aplomb, and the joke plays—expired trope and all.

The award winning director has put together an all star cast, notably mainstream crossover darling (and Sarah Palin look-a-like) Lisa Ann, along with Nicole Sheridan, Priya Rai, sexy Rayveness, and Brenda James; and subjected them to hilarious indignity of being tracked by Kangeroo Jack, a renowned Australian animal tracker who turns his attentions to these feral man eaters. Comic hilarity ensues, blissfully wedded to sincere raunch, with flecks of genuine passion in this unlikely stew.

Yet it's the subtext that lies beneath the jest that elicits the strongest reactions from this prurient art. Along the way we learn a lot, inadvertently, about the hungry ghosts that drive these desperate women in need of both hard cock and love, like a wind up poltergeist that feeds on raw young man boy and heart breaking sadness, clawing its way out their sopping wet vaginas. Our hearts and libidos are with you ladies.

Kudos to Morgan for making this work. Well played, sir—once again you prove that your abilities transcend the generational porn divide.

"Cougar Hunters" hits streets next week, but you can observe these wild women in their natural habitat in the gallery below.

· "Cougar Hunters" (wickedpictures.com)

Studio: Digital Playground
Director: Celeste
Cast: Sienna West, Devon Lee, Darryl Hanah, Sky Taylor, Kayla Synz, Rayveness

Review by: Gram Ponante

Watching Porn Valley trophy milves and cougars in their natural habitats - houses with floors that amplify the clacking of their heels, filled with art that neither they nor their husbands look at - is the aim of Digital Playground's Mrs. Conduct, perhaps the second in a trilogy that began with the Janine Lindemulder movie Mrs. Behavin' and which, also perhaps, will climax with Jesse Jane in 2011's Mrs. Tery Train.

That I didn't say Mrs. Carriage makes me "classy."

Like all Celeste movies, Mrs. Conduct is a playful series of vignettes, this time featuring time-honored porn tropes of predatrices-turned lusty submissives.

In one scene, Darryl Hanah commands two underwear-clad workers to service her. In two other scenes, a bearded James Deen attends to his girlfriend's mom or to a delivery customer with no tip money. My favorite scene features Kayla Synz in a Mrs. Robinson role, with Synz looking like the 90's era porn star she was born to be, all angles, legs, surprising curves, and anachronistic haircut.

Like a Wicked movie, though, Mrs.Conduct is distractingly lit. Each scene seems like a dream sequence - which I guess it is - but the cumulative effect is that it looks like the white balance was adjusted too high and then forgotten about.

This drugged feeling should not take you out of the movie, however. Its pluses include the casting of Rayveness, Hannah, and Sienna West as well as Synz, each unmistakeably of the trophy wife school of cougars. We imagine the things they get up to when not seducing household staff; they must at least know how to program their DVRs with ease.

To think that Jesse Jane is actually a MILF (though by one definition, that of being a mother with a child old enough to have friends who would entertain impure thoughts about his mom, Jane is not) is fun to consider while watching this movie, filled with women not much older than Jane but who look the part of bored and bejeweled housewives the way she cannot. Great casting.

While the bright and fuzzy lighting might cause headaches, there are plenty of things populating Mrs. Conduct that would provide quick relief if you'd just do what your mother told you and put some elbow grease into it.

. . .

· Digital Playground (digitalplayground.com)
· Buy "Mrs. Conduct" (tlavideo.com)

The other day I thought, "I'd really like to see West of Ireland Gaelic-speaking Tinker's Daughter porn." And I believe someday I will. But for now I am fascinated - and a little taken aback for being fascinated - by a porn depiction of Asian women that is so different from the standard reed-thin and submissive representatives we're used to.

The conceit of this vignette movie is that there is a delivery service for older women who like younger men and for men who like older women (the movie includes excellent subtitles) and, while the women do not completely transcend the simpering Asian stereotype - in fact, to say they've "Gone Wild" is an exaggeration - they at least take the lead now and then.

Risako (who looks a little like Ashley Blue) opens the movie by calling for a young man to service her. No champagne glass breasts for Risako, she is full-figured and hippy. The rest of the scenes are a little more standard-issue, with the men making the escort calls, and all the women looking eerily reminiscent of Dame Shirley Bassey. Maybe it's the outfits.

One interesting thing about the latter scenes was how comfortable and descriptive the men were in ordering women who looked like "Mom."

Next up: Cougars Gone Wild vs. Godzilla.

. . .

· Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
· Buy "Japanese Cougars Gone Wild" (gamelink.com)

· "On the Prowl with the Cougar Hunters" (bostonmagazine.com, via michaelorell.tumblr.com)

. . .

See also:

· goCougar - Where older women date younger men
· The Cradle Robbers: Bloom (amazon.com)

Previously: Urban Cougar, Wildlife Porn Of The Moment: "Cougars In Heat"

One busy kitty, Lynn took a moment to stretch out, arch her back and tell Fleshbot, "Being a cougar is perfect for me. I was a cougar the day I set foot in this business." Then she demanded a big dish of milk and wanted us to rub her tummy. - JC

· Clubgirl.net (Amber's booking company @ clubgirl.net)
· Gold Club Centerfolds (goldclubcenterfold.com)
· Amber Lynn Videography (Adult DVD Empire)

· We had a dream last night that we went to the beach and Lucy Pinder, Sophie Howard and Michelle Marsh were all just hanging out in their bikinis. Too bad that could never happen in real life. (latenightpictures.com)

· Finally, the weather is warm enough that college students can hold their weekly sweatshop protests in the nude. No, we don't miss college at all. Why do you ask? (kcbs.com)

· Want to learn more about cougars, the MILF's sexy single sister? Too bad reading about them in a local newspaper kinda lowers the naughtiness factor. (fortwayne.com)

· If Seattle allows nude runs and nude bike rides, they should make provisions for nude swims at the public pool as well. How else are you supposed to train for your nude triathlon? (komotv.com)

· Once that's taken care of Seattle will finally be able to focus on the greatest threat to the city's welfare: freak dancing at high school proms. (No, we don't miss high school either.) (seattleweekly.com)

· Microsoft is working on technology that can identify your name, age, gender and location just by looking at your web browsing history—which doesn't really worry us too much since ours is already beyond all hope of redemption anyway, (newscientisttech.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

New York Magazine sex advice power duo Em & Lo take a long, soft and tender look at the MILF phenomenon, which shows no signs of slowing down eight years after "American Pie" put the term on the lips of horny frat boys everywhere (but over a decade after its first recorded use on the interweb—who knew?): "The MILF is Stacy's Mom. She's the lady in the Strippercize class. She dresses like a Jersey mob wife, her eye tilted into a perpetual wink. Is she our future?" Unless you've never stopped for a moment youself to consider the fact that childbearing women over 30 can indeed be considered sex objects there isn't much else by way of insight you probably didn't know already, but there's a certain charm in the way they see the term as a type of empowerment: "There's something disarming about an archetype that lets the ladies take back the negligee, an image that suggests that motherhood is more than the death of desirability and the birth of bad haircuts ... (T)he MILF might just represent a less uptight version of maternity, in which it's no longer considered selfish or unreasonable to protect that part of your identity that has nothing to do with scraped knees and runny noses." And they deserve props for helping spread the word about GILFs, too—something that we've been trying to tell the world is going to be the Next Big Thing for years now. Just you wait.

· "Of MILF and Men: The sexy-mom phenomenon - is it hot or not?" (nymag,com)
· Thumbnail star: Savanna Samson en famille
· See also: "Pregnant Nymphos" (10zenmonkeys.com)

Previously: Poetic Porn of the Moment: "MILF Filth", DVD Review: "MILF Meat 6", Porn Valley Dispatch: Ava Lauren's Full-Bodied Weather Report, Mainstream Crosssover Watch^TM: De'Bella Does "The Insider", Morning Wood: Mmm, Mmm, MILF!, Sex Blog Roundup: Got MILF?, Omasex: Hot Grannies