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Pornstars In Polyester: "'70s Show: A XXX Parody"

Ottimo Massimo — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 17:00:00 EDT

Quick word of advice: jizz will not wash out of polyester. Trust us.

'70s Show: A XXX Parody

Studio: New Sensations
Director: Lee Roy Myers
Cast: Brooke Banner, Ashlynn Brooke, Missy Stone, Rachel Love, Kaci Starr, Patrick J. Knight, Anthony Rosano, Ralph Long, Justin Magnum, Bo Banner, Ethan Cage, Steve Smith, Pike Nelson

When we first announced "'70s Show" on this site, there was quite a hubbub about casting choices, hair color, and overall attention to the original. In response to the commotion:
Yes, Brooke Banner makes an excellent Donna. And Rachel Love does an outstanding Kitty Foreman.
No, the wigs aren't perfect, but the hair color is pretty accurate.
Yes, Bob and Midge really should've been in this.

Honestly, the one thing that tweaked my obsessive side was the pubic hair. It was (a FOX network tribute to) the '70s! As a young lad, I totally had a crush on Donna, but would've gladly gone out with Jackie, and was down to fool around with Laurie. Naturally, a critical part of the whole four-way fantasy was pubic hair: big, scruffy, retro bushes. Do you think I got retro bushes? Of course not. Next thing I know, someone will tell me Charlie's Angels were all shaved, too.

Gripes aside, "'70s Show" offers genuine giggles. The story revolves around a Led Zeppelin concert the whole gang attends. Eric (Patrick J. Knight) and Donna try to go backstage to see the band, but only Donna is allowed in. Sadly, it's all a trick. Donna thinks she's blowing three security guards so she can meet Robert Plant, but really she's just slobbing on the cleaning crew. Meanwhile, Fez (Pike Nelson) and Kelso (Anthony Rosano) dress up like rock stars in order to trick groupies into sleeping with them. For no reason, Eric's sister Laurie (Ashlynn Brooke) shows up to do laundry and fuck Kelso.

Although Missy Stone may not look exactly like Mila Kunis, she has the voice down perfectly. Better yet, she throws out brilliant one-liners during her scene with Ralph Long (as the sideburned Hyde): "I can't believe I'm messing up my hair for you!" Best of all, she's Missy Stone, and she's unbelievably hot. No surprises there.

Being attracted to Rachel Love as Kitty? That was a surprise. There's something magical about watching Red's Korean War veteran angst come bubbling to the surface as he fucks his wife with a grimace. Like any man would, he comes early and walks off to grab a sandwich. While he's gone, Hyde comes in, shrugs, and helps Kitty finish.

When the funny is on, it's really on, and it blurs the line between accuracy and arousal. Hyde is a notorious mooch, so it seems natural for him to swoop up the sloppy seconds that Red leaves lying on the couch. When the gang is smoking pot in the basement, the camera pans from stoned face to gaping jaw. There's even a theme song that bears a striking resemblance to the original! Lee Roy Myers nailed it. The attention to detail warms the heart of the most nitpicky fan. Even I'm willing to forgive their trespasses against pubic hair.

"70s Show XXX": Sex, Jugs, And Rock 'N Roll

Lux Alptraum — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 16:30:01 EDT

Last week, we gave you a sneak peek of some of the action from "70s Show: A XXX Parody." This week, we've got a hold of the trailer—so now we actually know the plot.

The trailer definitely gives off the feel of "That 70's Show"—and though we're a little miffed that Bob and Midge seemed to have been kicked to the curb, there's enough in the trailer to keep us excited and interested.

Oh, and the best surprise of all? Fez gets laid.

· "70's Show: A XXX Parody" (70sshowxxxparody.com)

"70s Show - A XXX Parody": A First Look

Lux Alptraum — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 13:00:00 EDT

While we were busy obsessing over "30 Rock - A XXX Parody" and "The Sex Files - A Dark XXX Parody," New Sensations was working hard to put out yet another parody porn masterpiece: "70s Show: A XXX Parody."

The feature streets on September 21 (less than three weeks away!), and though we don't know the exact details of the plot (except that it seems to involve lots of sex, lots of weed, and a Kiss show), or just what wacky, sexy adventure the gang will get up to, we do have this awesome photo set. And let us just tell you: it looks super, duper hot. And we are loving some of the porn doppelgangers they've lined up: Rachel Love makes an impeccable Kitty, and Ralph Long—who's been everyone from "30 Rock"'s Pete to the janitor from "Scrubs"—seems simply born to play Hyde.

After seeing these photos, there's really only one question left in our minds: how, exactly, are we supposed to wait 19 days to see this movie?

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Donna (Brooke Banner)New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Donna (Brooke Banner) and Eric (Patrick J. Knight)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Donna (Brooke Banner) and Eric (Patrick J. Knight)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Donna (Brooke Banner) and Eric (Patrick J. Knight)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Donna (Brooke Banner) and Eric (Patrick J. Knight)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Laurie (Ashlynn Brooke) and Kelso (Anthony Rosano)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Laurie (Ashlynn Brooke) and Kelso (Anthony Rosano)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Laurie (Ashlynn Brooke) and Kelso (Anthony Rosano)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Laurie (Ashlynn Brooke) and Kelso (Anthony Rosano)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Donna (Brooke Banner) and the roadies (Justin Magnum, Bo Banner, and Ethan Cage)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Donna (Brooke Banner) and the roadies (Justin Magnum, Bo Banner, and Ethan Cage)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Donna (Brooke Banner) and the roadies (Justin Magnum, Bo Banner, and Ethan Cage)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Hyde (Ralph Long) and Jackie (Missy Stone)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Jackie (Missy Stone)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Jackie (Missy Stone) and Hyde (Ralph Long)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Jackie (Missy Stone) and Hyde (Ralph Long)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Jackie (Missy Stone) and Hyde (Ralph Long)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
>Kitty (Rachel Love)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Kitty (Rachel Love) and Red (Steve Smith)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Kitty (Rachel Love) and Red (Steve Smith)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Kitty (Rachel Love) and Hyde (Ralph Long)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Pam (Kaci Starr)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Pam (Kaci Starr)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Pam (Kaci Starr)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Pam (Kaci Starr)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)

Sin City's "Menage A Twat : Part Deux" Puts American Spin On French Coined Term

DCypher — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 13:00:00 EDT

Back before porn parodies obliterated our understanding of the term "three's company too," a special love existed, in triangular form, so powerful it could only be properly expressed in the perversely silky language of the French.

Why settle for a single lover when you can have two instead? You would have thought this kind of logical, more ecumenical approach to sex would have reared it's beautiful head in America, the home of buy one get one free, of fast food supersizing, of Costco.

The Beach Boys initially promised us we could all have two girls for every guy, which seemed really nice of them, until Charlie Manson had to go and pick all the petals off the Flower Power generation and ruin the deal. Thanks Uncle Charlie for being the last one out of the Summer of Love party in the Sixties and turning off the lights on the way out of the door! Americans wandered around as a society confused and embarrassed most of the next two decades until porn became it's cool but dirty secret with the advent of the VCR. Slowly since then the French term for threeway love has made it's comeback as well.

Sin City first introduced us to its epic homage to the triangle of lust a little over a year ago. It was immediately hailed as a victory for civilization by Not Carla Bruni and several other porn parody icons. "Menage A Twat : Part Deux" picks up roughly where its predecessor left off, bearing witness to the dream of having uncensored threeway love with girls like Ariana Jollee, Barbara Summer, Brooke Banner, Dani Woodward, Daryn Darby, Delilah Strong, Georgia X, Goldie Coxx, Jessica Jammer, Maya Gates, Penny Flame, Persia DeCarlo, Sativa Rose, Savannah Stern, Tiffany Taylor, Venus, and Jay Star. It's a smorgasbord of girls using their hearts, and other loving organs, to bring pleasure back to America in the way we all once dreamed would be possible—in great and terrible excess.

America may be late to this party, but we're happy to bring enough supplies to keep it going all night long. Yeah, we're like that guy who shows up at eleven fifty nine but shows up with three strippers, a case of cold Corona's, a sack of limes, a bottle of Patron, a blunt, six Magnums, and a flare gun. Now that's the American way of showing some love!

"Menage A Twat : Part Deux" releases next week from Sin City films, but you can see a little of its gooey goodness in our exclusive sneak peek gallery below. Have a safe and sticky weekend!

No Plot, Just Big Big Boobs In "Big Natural Tits 3"

DCypher — Wed, 27 May 2009 15:00:00 EDT

Tig oles, monster mammary jiggle jugs, economy sized sweater stretching funbags, mouth watering massive melons. Call them what you will. Sin City's got a fresh fix of them in their latest release, "Big Natural Tits 3," which comes out next week.

Carolyn Reese, Sierra Skye, Riley Evans, Brooke Banner, and Sara Stone join forces as a crime fighting team of big breasted, silicone-free, super ninja, cock craving ball drainers intent on ridding the world of semen, one slurp at a time.

When an evil syndicate of endowed criminal geniuses attempt destroy to capitalism by systematically replacing American pennies with Canadian ones, it's up to these quivering beauties to milk their ambitions clean out of them—and bring them to justice!

All right, so maybe we made that last part up. The truth is, there's no real plot. Just boobs, and big ones, too—the size of your head! Personally, we don't need any distractions from the jugs—but you be the judge.

"Big Natural Tits 3" is a brand spanking new release from Sin City. We get so thirsty just looking at 'em.

Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)

Living The High Life: Happy 420 From Some Ganja Lovin' Girls

Lux Alptraum — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 17:30:01 EDT

We would be slightly remiss if we let April 20th pass without at least one post on, you know, that "420" thing.

Lucky for us, our friends at Altporn.net are slightly more diligent than we are when it comes to this whole "marijuana" thing, and have rounded up not one, not two, but four smokin' hotties to help celebrate the high holiday. Who said stoners were lazy?

· 420 Girls: Lexi Belle Interview (altporn.net)
· 420Girls: Brooke Banner Interview (altporn.net)
· BurningAngel: Baby Sinead Getting High (altporn.net)
· EroticBPM: Bonnie Behind the 420 Store (altporn.net)

*****

Previously: "Bong Load Girls" Are 420 (And Fellatio)-Friendly, A Hit Of Kayden Faye Would Do Us Nicely

Wicked No Longer Concerned With “Making Amends” For Recycled Plotlines

DCypher — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 14:00:00 EDT

Ruthless businessman slash cheating husband Randy Spears has it all...including a hot wife who loves him even though he's the worst husband ever. Then he isn't. Then it's too late. Or it's not. Oh noes!

Director Francois Clousot takes us inside the world of infidelity and lies in this Wicked thriller. Like we've never heard that one before. What are these people playing at anyway? Don't they understand that there's a recession going on in the world? Are they going "green" by recycling the same plot line for the umpteenth time? Seriously, what is the deal over there?

But wait, we're being too hard on them, because the story twists at the end, like a true redemption tale, as Randy finally gets it and tries to be good to his hot wife. Yeah, we're still not impressed.

No wait! The real redemption plot involves skipping the plot, and transforming "Making Amends" into a film that's just about really hot, nasty, dirty, guiltless sex between consenting adults who love screwing each other. That's way better if you ask us, which you unknowingly did by virtue of clicking this page. Unless you just skipped ahead to the awesome gallery of preview pix, which would be way smart.

"Making Amends" comes out this week from Wicked Pictures. It stars Alektra Blue, Kirsten Price, Mikayla Mendez, Tori Black and (bitchy) Brooke Banner, who did an amazing guest spot on our favorite show "Californication" last season.

· "Making Amends" (wickedpictures.com)
· Buy "Making Amends" (gamelink.com)

To Sunset Thomas On Her 37th Birthday: Here's Your Virginity Back

Gram Ponante — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 16:45:00 EST

The problem is an existential one: If a man does not come on his partner's face and/or tits and/or hair and/or belly and/or ass, has Porn happened? Let's check in with birthday girl Sunset Thomas.

Into the Sunset

Studio: Sol Y Mar
Director: Axel Braun
Cast: Sunset Thomas, Ron Jeremy, Penny Flame, Brooke Banner, Mia Presley, Lexi Love, Roma, Nick Manning, Mikey Butders, Marco Banderas, Jay Lassiter, Chris Bellis

Review by: Gram Ponante

So often porn stars shoot their final movie without knowing they're doing it, because few achieve the kind of fame Sunset Thomas has. But Thomas, long associated with both VCA Pictures and the Moonlite Bunnyranch, disappears into the sunset as one lucky fan gets to disappear into her.

But the problem is an existential one: If a man does not come on his partner's face and/or tits and/or hair and/or belly and/or ass, has Porn happened?

Sunset Thomas began her porn career in 1991 and retired in 2004 after appearing in more than 300 movies, including "Latex" and "Misty Beethoven." "Into the Sunset" (hard to believe anyone had the restraint to not use that title until now) is a pleasantly staged mockumentary of Thomas' quest for "not a porn guy - the perfect guy" with whom to shoot her final - and she means it this time - movie.

At first the movie plays like a 90's porno, heavy on the voiceovers and phone-sex modulation, the rhinestone glamor, and the evocation of a time when porn stars were fewer and their movies bigger events.

After a signing at Hustler Hollywood on the Sunset Strip in which she lets a starstruck fan squeeze her boobs, a melancholy Thomas is chauffered back to her home by an amiable middle-aged fan, Tony.

"Please make another movie, Miss Thomas," Tony pleads from the driver's seat of the limo. Unfortunately, we never see him again.

Back at home, Thomas reflects on a life well-rode, and can't help but masturbate. I masturbate, too, when I think of my multiple Science Fair victories. But Thomas has an epiphany as she climaxes: she needs to make one more movie.

For some reason she imparts this news to Penny Flame, Mia Presley, and Brooke Banner, who happen to be lounging in her home. "Call Larry Flynt," she commands them. "Let him know about this."

She tells the girls that they will help her find her final film fling, and the second act of the movie consists of Thomas checking in on the girls as they fuck the prospects.

But just as reality television has gobbled up the work of real actors, porn professional Nick Manning is incensed that Thomas is picking her final stud from the hoi polloi. He stalks over to her house but is intercepted by the pardine Brooke Banner, in whom seconds are never sloppy. Still, when Manning drops loads he bellows "Where's Sunset?"

When her fan is chosen (he's the guy from the signing), Ron Jeremy is employed to give him a couple of tips, which include "Forget everybody else in the room."

As the movie progresses, it seems to lose focus and become less special; it loses its quirky quality. This is not helped by the poor fan, who confesses that the job is harder than it looks (and all that implies).

Yes, I watched the final scene twice and I don't think our friend was able to climax. He was left to eat out Thomas while Marco Banderas fucked her.

If you can forget that the very object of the film was not consummated in a pornic sense, "Into the Sunset" is a terrific movie.

So what do we learn from this?

That porn is a real job that shouldn't be entrusted to amateurs. And know what else? This one doesn't have to count as Sunset Thomas' last movie. In fact, it's almost as if Thomas regained her virginity.

· Hustler (hustler.com)
· Buy "Into the Sunset" (hustlerworld.com)

"Strippers Gone Wild" Shows Just How Wild Strippers Can Go

Lux Alptraum — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 13:00:00 EST

We've always operated under the assumption that the whole point of the "Girls Gone Wild" franchise was to see girls—ones who are presumably nice, mild-mannered young things in their daily lives—be persuaded to go wild, that half the thrill was in watching the transformation from sweet and demure to wild and willing. That said, we found ourselves somewhat confused by the premise of "Strippers Gone Wild." As women who take their clothes off for money, strippers are, presumably, already "wild" women—do they really have further territory to explore in the world of going wild? Apparently so: the compilation DVD boasts over four hours of action, with nineteen girls at their wildest. We've grabbed a sample clip: after the jump, see what happens when strippers stop being fake and start being real...ly wild.

. . .

· Buy "Strippers Gone Wild" (adameve.com)

"Californication" Is Boring, Except When There Are Boobs

Lux Alptraum — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 11:45:13 EDT

"Californication," the show that probably didn't make David Duchovny a sex addict, has a lot of sex in it. After all, it is about a sex addict — and isn't that all those people think about anyway? Nevertheless: even though it's full of sex, the show somehow manages to be boring, at least during the parts that don't feature a topless Brooke Banner. So what's a viewer to do? If using TiVo to fast forward to the ~~naked~~ good parts is too much work, point your browser to "Californication Girls," a site that's slowly accumulating all the worthwhile clips in the show. Because why should you sit through a thirty minute show for four minutes of boobs? (Though come to think of it, we've done more for less.) · Californication Girls (californicationgirls.com) · Sex arouses little interest in Showtime's 'Californication' (nydailynews.com)

Let The Games Go On Forever: More Sporty Sexy Girls

Lux Alptraum — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 13:55:19 EDT

With the Olympics in full gear, our thoughts are (still) on the sexiness of all things sports-related this week. And after our various salutes to sexy Olympians, it's time to turn our attention to some sexy athletes who won't be competing in Beijing ... or anywhere else for that matter, except for maybe the AVN Awards. We're sure that FalconryOfTheEroticVariety isn't the only one with a thing for sporty gals and female jocks—but make sure you thank him since it was his request that made this roundup happen. Whether or not it will also lead to things like topless soccer, naked golfing, and hot girl-on-girl bowling action being officially sanctioned events in London 2012 remains to be seen.

. . .

Luna (lunascam.com)

Fan Lin (midnightasian.com)

Brooke Banner (gallery.brookeskye.com)

Tara Ryan (picgalleries.tararyan.com)

Molly and Kim (gallys.realitykings.com)

Rachel Starr (naughtyathleticspage.com)

Mikayla (titilicious.com)

Nicole Graves (shapcash.com)

Akemi (gals.sextronix.com)

Michaela and Eufrat (teendreams.com)

*****

Previously: Fleshbot Requests Archive

One Man's "Oracle" Is Another's Kaylani Lei

DCypher — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 16:30:36 EDT

In director Francois Clousot's "Oracle", Wicked contract star Kaylani Lei does more than just peer deeply into a crystal ball—she takes on several sets of the not-crystal kind and shows the guys they're attached to just what kind of sweet sex magic she has at her disposal. As far as we can tell, the movie involves Brooke Banner, Roxy DeVille, Brooke Haven, Evan Angelina, Ryder Skye, and Barret Blade battling the dark forces from the underworld and coming up with an entirely unprecedented way to pay for passage across the river Styx; in the end only the soul whose heart is fully drained of lust (and other bodily fluids) is judged worthy to enter the afterlife. Or something like that.

We may be dim on the finer plot points, but we predict that you'll find an "Oracle" preview gallery after the jump. Let us know if we're wrong, OK?

. . .

· Order "Oracle" (Adult DVD Empire)
· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)

Photoplay: Kaylani Lei In "Rise"

Gram Ponante — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 21:11:13 EDT

Contrary to the elegant boxcover copy, not "everyone gets a second chance at love." But at least you know what kind of movie this will be. Kaylani Lei and Randy Spears prove that in the afterlife, even the dead do it in this movie with a self-fulfilling prophecy for a title.

See more snaps after the gap.

. . .

Andy (Randy Spears) is dead. Beckoned by the angelic Kaylani Lei through a freestanding door in the middle of the desert, he finds himself in a screening room playing some of his life's greatest hits. But unlike Hollywood fare like "Defending Your Life" or "It's A Wonderful Life," porn gets to deal with the heavenly flashback trope by letting our hero view his conception.

How different would my life be if mom was Hollie Stevens?

Then we fast-forward about 40 years (though it's only supposed to be 20) and watch a mop-topped Haight-Ashbury Andy thanking Kendall Brooks for his birthday mandolin. Unfortunately, Kendall too eagerly subscribes to that era's will to free love. Poor Andy cradles his mandolin while sitar music plays.

Does he lose her because he couldn't stand her free-spiritedness? Did he later lose his wife (Brooke Banner) because he was an insensitive lover?

"It's not a judgment," Kaylani says. "It's a review."

Well, it really was a judgment, but no one said angels weren't passive-aggressive. Andy discovers that he must learn one thing in this netherworld way station before he is sent back, and Kaylani is just the person to teach it to him.

Like last year's "Pleasure Principle", this Wicked picture is ideal for couples, if just a little preachy to the converted.

· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)
· Buy "Rise" (gamelink.com)

Higher Education: "Ashlynn Goes to College 2"

Gram Ponante — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 22:40:08 EST

Rarely does porn dare to examine college life; usually it goes straight from high school to MILFhood. "Ashlynn Goes to College 2" is different. It deals tenderly with issues of class, privilege, and giving lapdances to gang members.

Read our review after the jump.

. . .

"Ashlynn Goes to College 2"
Studio: New Sensations
Director: Andre Madness
Cast: Ashlynn Brooke, Alexis Texas, Sabrina Rose, Katie Morgan, Brooke Banner, Tommy Gunn

Review by Gram Ponante

"If there's going to be a rich bitch center of attention," says Margot, Ashlynn's college roommate, "it should be me, God damn it. I'm a delicate snowflake, fuckers."

Ashlynn Brooke's college adventures were too comprehensive to be contained on a single DVD, so we rejoin her as she helps her roommate escape the shadow of her sister Jenny, played by Brooke Banner. Banner is famous around the sorority for the wrong kind of celebrity: a night vision sex tape.

Ashlynn shepherds Margot through rush week at a snooty sorority. As Misty, the head sorority girl, Katie Morgan acts her ass off.

"Do you think my boobs are big? My boyfriend says they're bigger in bed."

Jenny represents the family will that directs Margot to join the sorority or be cut off. What will Ashlynn and Margot do?

Meanwhile, Margot's boyfriend (Tommy Gunn), can't come over because his cable is being upgraded by a female cable guy (Alexis Texas, who looks just like Ashlynn Brooke here). Way to subvert the dominant paradigm! Only when I finished the movie did I realize that the scene just seemed tacked on.

Because I'm famous, I called the movie's writer, Wayne Hentai.

"That scene seemed unnecessary," I said. "Neither Tommy nor Alexis show up or figure in any other scene in the movie."

"It was necessary, in its own way," Hentai said. "Because you get to look at Alexis Texas' ass. Isn't that a reason unto itself?"

The sorority pledges must prove loyalty to their sisters by providing lap dances at an "urban" bar. They don't complain much. I know for a fact it's worse at Vassar.

Monique eases her despair with a bathroom tryst with Misty, who is at first nervous.

"I'm not some kind of thespian," Misty says.

"That joke never gets old!" replies Monique. "Don't worry, I'm not going to ask you to move to Massachusetts and get married or anything."

In the end, Monique isn't forced to join the sorority, and her place in her grandmother's will (yes, this movie has a B story) is secured. While these things are accomplished without Ashlynn's direct involvement, we'll give her the credit anyway, because it's her damn movie.

· New Sensations (newsensations.com)
· Buy "Ashlynn Goes to College 2" (gamelink.com)

Love Is A Battlefield: Wicked's "Coming Home"

Gram Ponante — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 23:52:18 EDT

If treated thoughtfully, even the weightiest and unsexiest subjects can be plots for porn movies. Why? Because people are thinking about having sex all the time. The trouble is that most porn movies can't handle weighty, and just end up looking dumb. We're sorry to begin our review of the excellent "Coming Home" with "We're surprised it didn't suck", but jeez; we've been burned so many times before.

Read the review after the gap.

- - -

Coming Home

Studio: Wicked
Director: Brad Armstrong
Cast: Kirsten Price, Shyla Styles, Barrett Blade, Scott Lyons, Vanessa Lane, Savannah Stern, Gianna Lynn, Chris Cannon, Christian, Tyler Knight, Brooke Banner, Jada Firte, Kayla Carrera, Mikayla, Derrick Pierce, Marcus London

Review by Gram Ponante

Poor Brian Parsons (Brad Armstrong) is called to serve his country in Iraq, lamenting the U.S. Army's lack of 18-year-olds. Luckily, porn has 18-year-olds in spades, so Brian's girlfriend (Kirsten Price) makes his last week stateside one to remember.

Brian asks his buddy Jimmy (Barrett Blade) to take care of his girl while he's away. I feared the worst.

"If that was me," Jimmy's girlfriend says, "I'd keep you to myself for a week."

The two couples get together at the same bar from Porn Valley. There are a thousand stories there.

As his departure grows nearer, Brian receives a creepy farewell from Charlie, his boss at the garage. "I always felt you were the son I never had," Charlie says. This has to be in the top ten, at least, of Quotes Inappropriate for a Porn Movie.

I wondered how the movie would squeeze sex into the boot camp and Iraq scenes, but with the help of dream sequences and the presence of female soldiers (like Hawkeye and Lt. Dish), that problem was taken care of easily.

Unfortunately, Brian doesn't make it. His small town thinks the worst of Jimmy drying the widow's tears. Brian's brother accuses Blade and Price of not mourning long enough when he finds them at a drive-in together.

"Stop stirring the pot, you little shit!" Jimmy cries.

For the hundredth time I wondered if Wicked's Real Movies But With Sex m.o. was an effective strategy, but the drive-in scene was pretty cool.

Meanwhile, Brooke is getting suspicious of Jimmy and Kirsten. And for good reason!

Brooke retaliates. She calls Jimmy a "fucking dummy" in a monologue that I think prospective porn talent should memorize for auditions.

"Coming Home" is a movie that drops its cliches as it goes, so by the end it really forgets it's a porn film and becomes something else, something heartfelt. Could that be good? I don't know. It is difficult for a porn movie to sell tragedy, though plenty of them attempt it. This is a porn movie that ends sadly, and there is logic in the sadness. But "Coming Home" is not the movie to watch if one is already guilty about jerking off to porn.

Director/writer/star Brad Armstrong has improved on "Flashpoint", the reissue version of which I reviewed here recently. "Coming Home" features only strong performances (save for the garage manager) and the story is much tighter. It also makes a play for some of the biggest consumers of porn, the U.S. military, and doesn't do soldiers a disservice, even on a porn budget.

· Wicked (wicked.com)
· Buy "Coming Home" (gamelink.com)

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Previously: Porn Reviews Archive