· Demi Moore's is careful to cover her head, but can't be bothered to cover her nipples. We think she made the right decision. (egotastic.com)

· A city attorney steals a work laptop carrying important legal documents? Big deal. The laptop is filled with porn, you say? Sound the media alarm! (rockymountainnews.com)

· New Jersey wants to put a "porn zone" for adult businesses near the Meadowlands Sports Complex and based on the quotes from concerned citizens, they are also planning to place this zone in the 1950s. If they have their "druthers," that is. (northjersey.com)

· There are a lot of ways to get hurt on the job, but a sex worker getting workman's comp after the client who hired her drove their car in to a gully is a pretty unique one. (nzherald.co.nz)

· An infection chain is redirecting several hundred pornography URLs to Mpack tool kit servers which uses a FRAME manager to automate malware attacks from compromised domains. Go find a nerd and have him explain that to you. (computerworld.com)

· In a delightful twist on your typical air rage incident, an Indian man took off all his clothes and danced in the aisles of a Thai Airways flight. It's was probably better than whatever crappy movie they were showing. (bangkokpost.com)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· You might be shocked to learn this, but "Obama Girl" Amber Lee Ettinger once posed for Maxim magazine. That doesn't sound like her style, does it? (maximonline.com)

· Ugandan police claim that 90% of 911 emergency calls are just lonely women looking for sex. We think about 100% of Ugandan police officers must think pretty highly of themselves. (monitor.co.ug)

· Just a reminder, "Put it on my tab" doesn't work when it comes to ordering lap dances. Especially when you don't pay the tab after eight of them. (gazetteonline.com)

· You may think you're anonymous on the internet, but the law may say differently, so watch your mouths, you dirty sonsabitches. (xbiz.com)

· Circumcision rates in the U.S. are dropping, which means you might be seeing even more skin than you're used to in the next generation of pornstars. If you can stop looking at the chicks for more than five seconds that is. (ap.org + Gawker)

· Sexy roadside ads are major traffic hazards in Greece and one man is out to put a stop to them. But then how will they recognize the most popular underwear models when they meet them? (sky.com)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· Danielle Lloyd, bless her heart, slips into a diamond-studded bikini for charity, but ends up distracting us so much we forgot where we put our checkbooks. (drunkenstepfather.com)

· Jenna Jameson wants you to design logos for her clothing lines, and you must obey Jenna. (adultfyi.com)

· Remember the porn addict whose pastor can monitor his internet activity? Apparently, he wasn't making that shit up. That's some serious voyeurism. (stuff.co.nz)

· It's just possible that having sex before marriage will not send you plummeting into a spiral of shame and depression. Sorry if that spoils the surprise for you. (umn.edu, via about.com)

· Ten reasons why that New York Times article might be wrong about the internet and porn. We promise not to mention this again until Monday at the earliest. (wired.com)

· Jezebel finds out more than she probably wanted to know about vaginas. Isn't blogging fun! (Jezebel)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

One of the goals of National Masturbation Month, now moving towards its thundering climax, is to remove the stigma and shame associated with the act itself. Who among us hasn't at one time or another felt like poor Ricky, trying to save face after being discovered in the most intimate of intimate moments. How humiliating! (We think. The kid's got a pretty good poker face, actually.) On the other hand, no one among us can possibly know how Ricky feels after hearing his mother's reaction, because no mother on Earth has ever given this speech. Despite how it looks, this is not the set up for the latest sequel to Taboo, but it is actually someone's sick idea of the proper response to walking into your kid's room without knocking. The more appropriate—and more likely—technique is to run from the room horrified and never speak of it again, as Pheobe Cates wisely demonstrates in the only reason anyone remembers "Fast Times at Ridgemont High." After all, if masturbation stopped being dirty and forbidden, what would be the fun of it?

· Caught In The Act (YouTube, via hustlerworld.com)

After the jump, Pheobe's famous pool scene, plus a bonus collection of other "Great Moments in Self-Gratification" from film and TV.

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· Phoebe Cates - Fast Times At Ridgemont High (metacafe.com)
· 12 Great Moments In "Self-Gratification" (cottonandsand.com)

Previously: Rachel Kramer Bussel: How Do You Like It?, Masturbation Intervention: Know When To Say When, National Masturbation Month: A Hands-On Guide, That 70's Porn: Time Traveling Through Smut, Journey Without Clothes: Kay Parker on "Taboo"

· We had a dream last night that we went to the beach and Lucy Pinder, Sophie Howard and Michelle Marsh were all just hanging out in their bikinis. Too bad that could never happen in real life. (latenightpictures.com)

· Finally, the weather is warm enough that college students can hold their weekly sweatshop protests in the nude. No, we don't miss college at all. Why do you ask? (kcbs.com)

· Want to learn more about cougars, the MILF's sexy single sister? Too bad reading about them in a local newspaper kinda lowers the naughtiness factor. (fortwayne.com)

· If Seattle allows nude runs and nude bike rides, they should make provisions for nude swims at the public pool as well. How else are you supposed to train for your nude triathlon? (komotv.com)

· Once that's taken care of Seattle will finally be able to focus on the greatest threat to the city's welfare: freak dancing at high school proms. (No, we don't miss high school either.) (seattleweekly.com)

· Microsoft is working on technology that can identify your name, age, gender and location just by looking at your web browsing history—which doesn't really worry us too much since ours is already beyond all hope of redemption anyway, (newscientisttech.com)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· We had no idea, but baseball is a filthy, filthy game. Are you going to let them talk about your mother that way? (firejoemorgan.com)

· American Apparel is the perfect clothing to get yourself off in. 'Tis the season. (copyranter.blogspot.com)

· Beijing hands out a harsh new penalty for Chinese websites that display porn—they must offer a heartfelt apology. Sending a nice bouquet of flowers wouldn't hurt either. (chinatechnews.com)

· Website owners discover the shocking secret that putting the word "sex" in your headlines gets people to read your stories. Yeah, that's pretty much our entire operations manual. (ameinfo.com)

· Do you really want to use a service that keeps track of every link you click on while web surfing and shares that info with the whole world? Try explaining all those "big butt asian cuckold bondage" searches to your friends. (darrenbarefoot.com)

· Just so everyone is clear ... Jared, the Subway guy does not rent out his porn. We wouldn't trade any of our DVDs either. Not even for one of those yummy Spicy Italian sandwiches. (tmz.com)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives