Jane was just about to squirt chocolate on herself, at which point my camera was jostled by ravening lesbians who proceeded to lick it off her.

The event was the Exotic Erotic Ball, a hit or miss affair with heart and soul and plenty of local color. Like this protester's sign, however, the Ball tried to cater to as diverse a group as possible but didn't have its act together. Still, the friendliness of the crowd inside was a very welcome and opposite counterpoint to the real hatred of this group of protesters.

Down south, delightful pixie Aiden Starr auditions for Erica McLean and Carlos Batts' upcoming "Alice in Wonderland" porn adaptation (which will be at least the third this year and, if she gets the role, Starr's second foray through the looking glass).

April Flores, of course, plays the Red Queen. I think that will be awesome.

Across Porn Valley, Ashlynn Brooke plays Sookie in New Sensations' adaptation of "True Blood," scripted by Brooke herself. She is so unbelievably pretty I forgot her clothes were on.

The chameleonic Misty Stone plays Tara (she just found out Lafayette was dead) and Evan Stone plays Evan Stone playing a guy from the show. In the background we see Ralph Long, pulling double duty as a boom operator (we last saw Long as Screech in "This Ain't Saved by the Bell" as well as in "The Sex Files").

Finally we managed to get inside, to Silverlake's Bigfoot Lodge (this reporter's local bar), where at 10 in the morning Misty Stone inspired more wood within the woody surroundings.

It really was Tommy Gunn's week: First he debuted his pretty awesome "Cummin at You" 3-D porn, in which he and Sindee Jennings literally COME RIGHT AT YOU, and then he trotted off to fuck Jada Fire in Dave Naz's upcoming "Cheating Hollywood Wives" for Private.

I love this picture of Jada Fire. She looks like the type of backup singer the star gets jealous of and kicks off the tour.

Next is Bree Olson in the upcoming "Bree's College Daze 3" for Adam & Eve. Like ZZ Top once did, Bree travels to various places - in the case of these movies, colleges - and makes things right. With her very Breeness.

Breeness rhymes with penis, and that is exactly what Mr. Marcus has up Sasha Grey in "Cheating Hollywood Wives." See how I worked that in there? See how Mr. Marcus did? One seems more fun than the other ...

Starring Kimberly Kane as Dana Scully and the dreamy Anthony Rosano as Mulder (with the magically delicious Ashlynn Brooke going back to her dark roots temporarily to play a demoness), "The X-Files: A Dark Parody" was conceived as an actual "X Files" episode but with sex, taking place in the time in the series when Gillian Anderson's Scully became pregnant and fans wondered if she'd been Muldered and Californicated.

Why does this excite us? Because this is geeky fan fiction with a porn twist just as much as it is a marketing ploy.

And like the Sam and Diane of the FBI, people wanted Mulder and Scully to get their X on. The two characters get together in the movie's climactic scene - and it's not a dream sequence.

One thing that is the stuff of fantasy is Ashlynn Brooke's rack.

"She has the best fake boobs I have ever seen," said Kane.

"The X Files: A Dark Parody" will be released in September.

· New Sensations (newsensations.com)

The sets, costumes, locations, and general breadth of this porn production are very impressive, and we look forward to the finished product, which is scheduled to be available in September (i.e. in time for AVN nominations).

Keni Styles, (straight) Porn's Only Asian Male Performer^TM, costars.

Most impressive, though, is that McKenzee Pierce and Jesse Capelli were probably the first women in years to actually show nipples at Hollywood's delightfully seedy (and pasties-only) Jumbo's Clown Room.

Sasha Grey, of course, was sanguine about the scope of the production.

"Yes," she said, "it's a rabbit."

a href="http://misslucifer.tv">Miss Lucifer (misslucifer.tv)
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a href="http://misslucifer.tv">Miss Lucifer (misslucifer.tv)
a href="http://misslucifer.tv">Miss Lucifer (misslucifer.tv)
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Miss Lucifer (misslucifer.tv)

Santa Monica cops checked invitations, true, but after that the uniforms became far more sparse. Try high heels, wings or horns, some glitter, and nothing else.

Nina Hartley, Sunny Lane, Ava Rose, Alexa Jordan, Savannah Stern, Jenna Brooks, Kayden Kross, Maria Bellucci, and dozens of other porn luminaries mixed and mingled in this latest in Hustler's five-year family reunions. This one was held at the Santa Monica Airport, which allowed Larry Flynt to be taxied in in his jet.

I didn't know it until later, but longtime Hustler photographer/director Richard Monfort (nom de porn: Richard de Montfort) had died about a week before. This party would have been right up his alley, especially since the "Heaven" and "Hell" sides of the room seemed to keep changing sides. But he especially would have appreciated the familiar, family atmosphere of the event, hard as that might be to explain when you've got Ava Rose in her altogether.

It's also hard to tell what the road to either destination is paved with when you can't stop looking at Sunny Lane. But no one said it was easy.

So Happy Birthday, Hustler, and a fond farewell, Richard.

· Hustler (hustler.com)

I never learned what happened between Tony DeSergio, Oliver Sanchez and Evans on the set of Harmony Films' "Gazzman's Perfect Breasts" (director Gazzman, even though the breasts aren't actually his, at least has great taste in them; tomorrow he's shooting Aiden Starr), because I feared bursting into flame, but several things are certain:

1. Evans' breasts are great
2. The Tampa native even has great breasts when she's sitting down
3. One of Porn's many fantasy elements, I've just realized, must be fucking on the surface of the Sun

· Gazzman (myspace.com)

"I got them April 11," she said. "They're straightening my teeth."

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN??

· Dana DeArmond (theinternetsgirlfriend.com)
· Erotica LA (erotica-la.com)

...and below, why we wouldn't want to live there.

Why is Joanna Angel reading my copy of "Jaws"? I don't know. Why not? 3,000 bucks buy a lot of roast.

Here's Nicole Ray saying Hello, Fleshbot Readers. Holy God.

Ashley Fires, barefoot and on fire, wins the Miss XBiz Summer Forum. Chim-chiminee.

Scarlett Fay and Nicole Ray increase Hutler's visibility.

Ava Rose is oiled and ready. Aren't you? I am.

Jenny Hendrix is an excellent mixologist. Her signature drink is called a Liquid Panty Remover and consists of a can of Fuze Slenderizer and vodka.

Stoya is a big fan of Lychee liquor mixed with Sprite. She didn't have a name for it so we're going to call it a Triumph of the Will in honor of her recent exploits.

Wicked contract star and all-around down-to-earth person Kirsten Price nevertheless is partial to anything with Grey Goose in it.

"I like the Greyhound, which is Grey Goose with grapefruit juice in it," she said. "Plus the grapefruit speeds up your metabolism."

Kayden Kross drinks maybe once a month, but it's still hard to distrust the clean-living, horse-riding dollop of sunshine. "When and if I drink," she says, "I drink cosmopolitans."

Have you ever invented a drink?

"No," she said, "I really don't drink much."

If a reader were to send you a drink recipe and name it after you, might you drink it?

"Yes," she said. "Now leave me alone."

(She didn't actually ask to be left alone.)

New Jersey's own Tommy Gunn, now that he lives in California, can't tell one season from another, which makes his drink of choice an evergreen one, whether he is servicing women or hunting them with his crossbow.

"Shots of Patron," he said.

Oddly enough, Jennings played young Sarah Palin in the original Sarah Palin porn that debuted before the 2008 election (and which remains Hustler's best selling title). And, since older Palin could not have sex with her younger self (the world would have exploded, according to scientists), Jennings-as-Fey was concocted.

"Hollywood's Nailin' Palin" will be released early this summer.

· Hustler (hustler.com)

That's Scarlett Fay and Nicole Ray in an upcoming Lindsey Lohan v. Scarlett Johansson project that Hustler is putting together. I wish it were ba "Mean Girls"-meets-"Ghost World" sort of thing, like "Mean Ghost," but it's not. Oh well. I'll watch it anyway.

Oh, the "Big Butt Oil Orgy." I'll have those pictures in my head and those smells in my nose for months. Think again if you ever thought porn was easy. Imagine walking through baby oil that sluiced off the likes of Ava Rose, Lisa Ann, Kristina Rose, Sophie Dee, Kagney Linn Karter, and Angelina Ash (and that's lucky bastard Mr. Pete over there, too).

It presents an impossibility: You can hardly walk erect but everything around you compels you to do so.

Back to Nicole Ray, here she is with Lucky Bastard #2, Chris Charming. And his Bastardito.

Finally, what says Fun more than a booze-up at Hollywood's Viper Room with the Tom Hanks of Porn, Evan Stone?

It was 99 degrees at 6 p.m. and Karter had just toweled off after performing a scene for Vivid on the baking roof slates. In high heels she seemed like an Amazon, but stands barefoot at 5'4". Still, I was worried she would burst into flame any moment up there, with her heels edging her ever closer to the Sun.

Despite this, the delightful Karter was nice enough to grant one more photo as the shadows (and only the shadows - we don't let anything get in the way of the work) got longer.

· Kagney Linn Karter (kagneylinnkarter.com)
· Vivid (vivid.com)

Daniels, who is making a stangely not altogether quixotic run for the U.S. Senate, could have used her porn superstar status to call the movie "Stormented" but she is humble, so she did not.

She and Starr donned getups reminiscent of Tom Petty videos and Mad Hatter's (played by Austrian Mick Blue) Tea Parties for this segment, which serves as a fever dream Stormy's character has while in the Crazy Hospital.

Daniels is herself petite, but Starr looked microscopic by comparison.

"You look like a trial size," Stormy said.

The Wicked Pictures set in North Hollywood was festooned with storybook props, all of which were solid and unyielding. Hard to fuck on, in other words.

But the woman who might some day be known in Senate parlance as The Lady from Louisiana took it in stride. "I'm pretty tough," she said.

Yes, you are. We have a feeling you'll go a lot farther in politics than Mary Carey did.

· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)

I can't imagine director Ernest Greene doing anything that doesn't involve the fleshly transfer of power. McDonald's drive-through? "McFloggets, please." At the dry cleaners? "Extra wire hangers, please." At church? "More nails."

That is why his "Perfect Secretary 2: Training Day" (he didn't direct the original) for Adam & Eve somehow involves Justine Joli being trussed like a delightful, wriggling roast sylph by the imperious and near-translucent Claire Adams.

That is why the sturdy and yelly secretarial student Mika Tan is ground by and grinds in turn the likes of Marco Banderas and Chris Cannon, nearly ruining a suite of office furniture in the process.

That is why Kayden Kross must take dictation to the beat of harsh swats from a riding crop.

The movie will be released—as if from restraints—some time this summer. I attended the filming and, since I have memories that will last a lifetime (and because I'll get it for free), won't need to buy the movie. But you really should.

· Adam & Eve (adameve.com)

We've heard a great deal about "The Office XXX" lately, and New Sensations hopes to keep people talking by releasing a series of interstitial webisodes, sort of like "Battlestar Galactica" if Boomer and Caprica Six just got with the program and disrobed.

West, Gianna Michaels, Ashlynn Brooke, Nika Noire, and Faye Reagan star in the webisodes, which will, as you can see, be of the hardcore variety.

As fun and slick as "The Office XXX" appears, we can't help but wonder if it driving the Mom & Pop "Crack Whore Confessions" from the marketplace.

· The Office XXX (theofficexxx.com)
· The Office XXX just chills until the next webisode (gramponante.com)
· Buy "The Office XXX" (gamelink.com)

Above, the lovely Nika Noire and the amiable Randy Spears engage in some administrative activities on Really Casual Friday for New Sensations' "Office XXX" upcoming webisodes.

Down the hall, Dane Cross remarks to James Deen that Thallium "cuts like a knife/But it feels so right." Or is that Zirconium?

In the green room for Adam & Eve's "Kayden And Rocco Make A Porno," screenwriter Kayden Kross gives equally alliterative Rocco Reed a couple of tips.

Barefoot Tori Black decides on lingerie in a Harmony Films shoot in which the carpet appears above the table.

...and then argues a point with director Gazzman by means of a rhetorical tactic that guarantees victory.

Finally, here's some Cetaphil, a product that not only moistens and strengthens skin but which also serves the noble purpose of simulating ejaculate for boxcover photos long after the real stuff has crusted up or been toweled off.

Leading off this installment is Kirra Lynne, caught getting into character for the movie "Oh No! There's A Negro in my Daughter! 2." Guess what part she played?

Golf Cougar Persia is seen here lounging on the bed she purchased as an accessory to that dress. Persia is 50 and we have a crush on her.

A spring chicken by comparison, Tina Tyler poses at a Porn Valley landmark.

The cast of New Sensations' "Scrubs XXX" in a location we actually had to sign an NDA about. Porn is so silly. But Ashlynn Brooke is deadly, deadly serious.

Observed through the window of a North Hollwood 7-11, Hollie Stevens chats on the phone while buying a replacement lighter. On the other line? Jesus Christ Himself.

Finally, here's the delightful April Flores decked out in flapper garb for the Hollywood premiere of "Voluptuous Biker Babes."

· West Coast Productions (westcoastprod.com)
· Vannah Sterling (myspace.com)

The producers of "Oh No! There's A Negro in My Daughter 2" knew that only I could bring the type of jowly gravitas to the role of the bookish and distant dad of perky, gap-toothed and barely legal Kira Lynne, who gets my attention by having couch-rattling sex with Jon Jon just inches away.

Of course, I had to submit to hours of aging makeup and was not allowed to bring my own clothing.

Drawing inspiration from Gregory Peck's performance in "To Kill A Mockingbird," I at first expressed grave reservations about Kira's outfit, behavior, and choice of mate, but then allowed my character to gracefully arc through tolerance, acceptance and, ultimately, synthesis. Would that my instructors at Shakespeare & Co. have seen me, doubtless they would have been in awe at my powerful resolve and the titanic reserve I displayed at not breaking character all over Kirra's face.

And I feel that my performance elevated those of my co-stars, a testament to my Meisner, Method, and Scientology training. For their part, directors Grip and Cram Johnson coaxed from me a career-defining interpretation.

I admit that I face competition in the very same movie from the likes of Dirty Harry and Herschel Savage, but I really feel that my entirely improvised performance, my eye contact and emotional connection with my scene partners, will make 2010 my year. I've earned this.

. . .

· Chatsworth Pictures (chatsworthpictures.com)
· Buy "Oh No! There's A Negro in My Daughter 2" (jerkoffzone.com)

I took 3000 pictures of nude pornstresses and nude pornstresses-adjacent this year, which is nothing compared to people who do it well.

From conventions to porn sets to photo shoots at disreputable hotels, Porn Valley came to America.

At no point during the creation of these pictures did I think, "Boy, I'm in the wrong line of work."

But I did often think, "Boy, I'm in the wrong pair of pants."

Happy New Year, friends.