Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis and Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt are petitioning the newly convened 111th Congress to provide a financial bailout for the adult entertainment industry.

Adult industry leaders Flynt and Francis sent a joint request to Congress asking for $5 billion in federal assistance, “Just to see us through hard times,” Francis said. “Congress seems willing to help shore up our nation’s most important businesses, we feel we deserve the same consideration. In difficult economic times, Americans turn to entertainment for relief. More and more, the kind of entertainment they turn to is adult entertainment.”

Flynt did not say if the $5 billion would help subsidize employee parking in his building, nor did Francis earmark the funds for his legal fees. But it's all in good fun. Maybe Francis will hook Congress up with some GGW hats and mini-tees if it shows him its titties.

· Hustler (hustler.com)
· Girls Gone Wild (girlsgonewild.com)

Eric had hosted this party for years and it had become the victim of its own success. "I know less than half the people here," he said. But the drinks were plentiful and there was enough food to sop them up.

I have to admit there was tension in the air, though. People can get edgy when the time of year suggests self-inspection. A woman who could have got away with it in her dancing years was drunk and belligerent; a guy I saw the day before and knew to be born and raised in Chicago was affecting a French accent.

But that was a tiny percentage; everyone else was on the make but in the nicest way possible. This is what happens when you get past 30. Or at least that's what I think will happen in 12 years...

A woman who got a little weepy about saving dogs talked to me very earnestly, then started hiccoughing. I saw my chance.

"Do you need to be ... palpated?" I asked.

"Yes."

And her hicccoughs disappeared. I felt like Jonas Salk must have had he been two bottles of Jagermeister deep and just as far in a dogophile from Pasadena.

But it was not to be.

As the party thinned Eric came to the back yard and announced that some douchebag had stolen his iPod, probably one of the majority of the unknown guests. This put a damper on things, but briefly, because then Eric disappeared, not to be seen again for the rest of the party.

I asked my friend where Eric went.

"He's in there with Danielle getting his New Year's beej," he said. "It's been happening since 2006."

I thought: I cured her hiccoughs so she could give another man a blowjob?

Worse than that, it was 4 a.m. and all the consolation prizes had driven back to Koreatown, Echo Park, and [shudder] Ojai.

But it was right that that happened. Eric had thrown a fantastic party. That someone stole his iPod was unforgivable. Yes, he deserved that blowjob. He deserved it.

But does Craig Valentine in "Immoral Orals," in which he holds a camera while being fellated by the likes of Sunny Lane, Nina Hartley, and Devon and Kelsey Michaels? Sure he paid them for it, but does he deserve it? I don't think so.

But maybe someone stole his iPod.

. . .

· Stunner Studios (stunnerxxx.com)
· Buy "Sunny Lane's Immoral Orals" (xonair.com)

Actually that isn't my question, but I do like the idea of what Brahe called "the portal ass."

No, my question has to do with the admirable specificity of the title, an autistoid need to make clear that there are six of them, this is how they're dressed, and this is what happens to them.

So your task is to rise to the occasion like the final winner of 2008 and supply a fourth element to the formula: what happens after they take it up the ass? Be ridiculously specific.

· Private (private.com)
· Buy "6 Nurses Take It Up the Ass" (gamelink.com)

I took 3000 pictures of nude pornstresses and nude pornstresses-adjacent this year, which is nothing compared to people who do it well.

From conventions to porn sets to photo shoots at disreputable hotels, Porn Valley came to America.

At no point during the creation of these pictures did I think, "Boy, I'm in the wrong line of work."

But I did often think, "Boy, I'm in the wrong pair of pants."

Happy New Year, friends.

"I'm lucky because I get to be me pretty much all the time," said Stoya from her home in Philadelphia, awaiting next week's trip to Las Vegas for the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo. "I came into the job being the person on the edge of the envelope, and I'm not doing anything too much different from who I am anyway."

Within that envelope are Jesse Jane and Riley Steele, each abundant and delightful in her own way but also more the Heartland's idea of pornic perfection.

Digital Playground took a bet when hiring Stoya to a three-to-five-year contract. She doesn't look like Jesse Jane or even like Sophia Santi, formerly the most exotic performer in DP's roster. Instead, she appeals to people like you.

We didn't even ask what she thought her appeal was because we have so many ideas of our own; we didn't want to embarrass the 22-year-old right out of her hoodie dress (well, we didn't want to achieve that by embarrassing her).

But she did offer some clues to the Ineffable. "You'll notice that it boils down to Science," she said. "Symmetrical features, and either you've got the baby-feeding boobs or the child-bearing hips; a cushiony ass."

Oh, Stoya. It couldn't be just that. She cuts the busk of her corsets with her own shears? She is most looking forward to reading "Ender in Exile" on her trip to Vegas? She counsels overzealous fans that she smells when she doesn't wash, too? She admits that her transition from cult porn fame to mainstream porn fame has been "ridiculously weird"?

We kind of know why we have a crush on you, Stoya, even if you don't, and maybe it's best that we keep it ambiguous. We shan't mention it again. But that warm feeling you get like when the Formics are defeated in the Bugger Wars? Well that feeling is us, Stoya. In your cushiony ass.

· Stoya (stoyaxxx.com)
· Digital Playground (digitalplayground.com)

Nymphetamine

Studio: Celluloid Addiction
Director: Michael Ninn
Cast: Janas Cova and Jordan, Karlie Montana, Cekeste Star, Faye Reagan, Charlie Laine, Heather Carolin, Georgia Jones, Jennifer Dark, Alyssa Reece

Review by: Gram Ponante

In fact, fans of Ninn will rejoice, for there is no mistaking "Nymphetamine" for anyone else's movie.

Angular, high-heeled, and haughty pornstresses make their way across floodlit sets littered with oversize spheres and reflecting pools and have their stylish ways with one another. With a little less digital penetration and a sepia filter the whole movie could be an Obsession ad, but for one new tool in Ninn's post-production portfolio.

Ninn seems obsessed with bullet-time, the slow-mo, pan, and speedup technique made famous by "The Matrix" trilogy and refined by "The 300." It was Ninn's porn version of the latter movie for a soured partnership with the gentlemen's club chain Spearmint Rhino, "The Four," that seems to be the inspiration for this kinder, gentler, plotless, and manless vignette film.

While "The Four" languishes in legal limbo, "Nymphetamine" works within a sparser landscape and just has porn women doing what they do best under such conditions, and looking icy and inaccessible doing it. We assume they're having a good time, but I doubt we will see any of Porn's current crop of big, sloppy barmaids sploshing lustily in their belly rolls in "Nymphetamine 2."

And this singularity of vision is what makes Ninn an artist. Of course the likes of Georgia Jones, Faye Reagan, Jana Cova (formerly of Digital Playground), and Jana Jordan (formerly of ... NinnWorx) would only be found picking their way among severe and whitewashed three-dimensional shapes - they are the embodiments of better girl/girl sex through geometry, and "Nymphetamine" is the perfect movie to have playing in the waiting room of your edgy architect's office - it's like "The Fountainhead" with trim, flush labia.

We're happy to have you back, Michael Ninn. But just once I'd like to see someone like Sara Vandella get nailed on a pallet of Carl's Jr. Six Dollar Burgers in one of your movies.

. . .

· Celluloid Addiction (celluloidaddiction.com)
· Buy "Nymphetamine" (xonair.com)

Pride of Bergen County Joanna Angel was born today 28 years ago. Fleshbot's Supreme Commandress-for-Life (it was a bloodless, though not altogether fluidless, coup) launched BurningAngel.com in 2002 and has made her mark on an adoring world with humor, boobs, and chutzpah as an entrepreneur, model, and mensch.

Was it "Fucked in the Bathroom" that won our hearts? No, it was long before that. "Cum on My Tattoo"? "Porny Monster"? Before that. Was it her series of horror porns like "Re-Penetrator" and "The XXXorcist"? Nope. Was it her AVN Award for "Most Outrageous Sex Scene" (which, when you consider that there are more than 200 AVN awards doled out each year, many in overlapping categories, something like that actually means something)? No, not even.

It was when I asked what award she really wanted, and she replied "Best Jew."

· Burning Angel (burningangel.com)
· Joanna at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Joanna Angel's movies (gamelink.com)

Studio: Digital Playground
Director: Celeste
Cast: Sienna West, Devon Lee, Darryl Hanah, Sky Taylor, Kayla Synz, Rayveness

Review by: Gram Ponante

Watching Porn Valley trophy milves and cougars in their natural habitats - houses with floors that amplify the clacking of their heels, filled with art that neither they nor their husbands look at - is the aim of Digital Playground's Mrs. Conduct, perhaps the second in a trilogy that began with the Janine Lindemulder movie Mrs. Behavin' and which, also perhaps, will climax with Jesse Jane in 2011's Mrs. Tery Train.

That I didn't say Mrs. Carriage makes me "classy."

Like all Celeste movies, Mrs. Conduct is a playful series of vignettes, this time featuring time-honored porn tropes of predatrices-turned lusty submissives.

In one scene, Darryl Hanah commands two underwear-clad workers to service her. In two other scenes, a bearded James Deen attends to his girlfriend's mom or to a delivery customer with no tip money. My favorite scene features Kayla Synz in a Mrs. Robinson role, with Synz looking like the 90's era porn star she was born to be, all angles, legs, surprising curves, and anachronistic haircut.

Like a Wicked movie, though, Mrs.Conduct is distractingly lit. Each scene seems like a dream sequence - which I guess it is - but the cumulative effect is that it looks like the white balance was adjusted too high and then forgotten about.

This drugged feeling should not take you out of the movie, however. Its pluses include the casting of Rayveness, Hannah, and Sienna West as well as Synz, each unmistakeably of the trophy wife school of cougars. We imagine the things they get up to when not seducing household staff; they must at least know how to program their DVRs with ease.

To think that Jesse Jane is actually a MILF (though by one definition, that of being a mother with a child old enough to have friends who would entertain impure thoughts about his mom, Jane is not) is fun to consider while watching this movie, filled with women not much older than Jane but who look the part of bored and bejeweled housewives the way she cannot. Great casting.

While the bright and fuzzy lighting might cause headaches, there are plenty of things populating Mrs. Conduct that would provide quick relief if you'd just do what your mother told you and put some elbow grease into it.

. . .

· Digital Playground (digitalplayground.com)
· Buy "Mrs. Conduct" (tlavideo.com)

Santa's Revenge

Studio: Loaded Digital
Director: various
Cast: Jenny Hendrix, Evan Stone, Kelly Erikson, Melissa Lauren, Aria, Randi Wright, Annie Cruz, Jenny Lee McKenzie, Jamie Lee, Brian Surewood, Lee Stone, Ron Jeremy, Guy DiSilva, JJ Michaels, Dave Hardman, Earl Slate, Dave Dodge, Paul Coxxx

Review by: Gram Ponante

Santa (Evan Stone) lies passed-out on a couch, still clutching an empty bottle of Ripple. Porning mantis Jenny Hendrix, playing an elf, approaches.

"Put it in there, Santa," says Hendrix.

This is the one original entry in a collection that includes two scenes with Ron Jeremy as Santa (one, from 1997's "Gang Bang Under the Mistletoe," also has St. Nick as a drunk and looks, with hairstyles and eyewear choices, like it was made even earlier), and another scene with Brian Surewood as an elf. It was Surewood's name in the credits that sent up a warning flag, in that he's been in jail for more than a year.

So then we must ask, "Is Santa's Revenge everything the porn world feels the need to say about Santa?" That he is not only a connoisseur of Fine Ladies but also a drunk? And how does coming on a willing partner's face, chest, and neck constitute revenge?

I am not a fan of compilations (I feel it messes with the sacrosanct porn narrative), but I did enjoy a dialogue scene between Jeremy and Surewood, in which Jeremy, a propos of nothing - which is Ron Jeremy's M.O. - says, "Remember we went to Venice Beach to get our palms read, and she said we'd jerked away our lifelines?"

So if you want a ten-year retrospective of what the porn world thinks when it thinks "Santa" and, by extension, what it thinks of you by marketing a compilation as an original movie, by all means buy this film. You can also see porn stars no one has ever heard from again fucking by ancient computers, which I'm sure is a niche in itself, somewhere.

· Loaded Digital (loadeddigital.com)
· Buy "Santa's Revenge" (xonair.com)

Can you come up with a better tag line for a Christmas porn than that? Do what you must: sexualize the Virgin Mary, give Santa a prodigious wang, plague Rudolph with an unseemly discharge, refer to a 69 that never happens, but take back Christmas from the captains of industry and return it to the carnal ice orgy it once was.

(And "Spirit of Christmas Assed" is taken.)

Since you are already bowed under the weight of familial pressure this time of year, we won't ask you to measure up to the Brobdingnagian efforts of last week's winner, but we'd like to see something by St. Stephen's Day. Something, Kevin, OK? We pay all that money for college and you come back looking like this? Oh wait. We're doing it again.

· Anarchy Films (anarchyfilmsdvd.com)
· Buy "Very Creamy Christmas" (gamelink.com)

. . .

While it's true that more than half of the population is someone's daughter and, unless she was born in a test tube, each of the five women in "Daughter I'd Like To Fuck" is a daughter of somebody, what concerns us is that in only one scene is a woman referred to as a daughter and the scene performed with that motivation in mind. Shame!

For three of the first four scenes, the movie might as well have been called "Friend of My Own Teenager I'd Like to Fuck." And that is enough of a bait and switch, but then Mr. Pete labels teen seductress Jessica Steele as "my daughter's nanny."

Don't get me wrong; if this movie were shipped with no title and I was instructed to sit down and watch it with a friendly "It's porn —you'll like it!^TM," well, you're damn right I would. That London Keys is like a brunette trampoline that can also text you.

It is only the final scene, when minx Dani Jensen hits on Michael Stefano, her dad's friend and mechanic, that we see the full complexity of a true DILF experience, which combines elements of betrayal, cradle-robber guilt, and the thrill of mentoring someone whose 19-year-old boyfriend is really into Jason Mraz.

"I really need to get back to working on the car," says a tortured Stefano, inching ever closer.

"Why don't you get to working on me?" Jensen says.

· New Sensations (newsensations.com)
· Buy "Daughter I'd Like To Fuck" (gamelink.com)

The other day I thought, "I'd really like to see West of Ireland Gaelic-speaking Tinker's Daughter porn." And I believe someday I will. But for now I am fascinated - and a little taken aback for being fascinated - by a porn depiction of Asian women that is so different from the standard reed-thin and submissive representatives we're used to.

The conceit of this vignette movie is that there is a delivery service for older women who like younger men and for men who like older women (the movie includes excellent subtitles) and, while the women do not completely transcend the simpering Asian stereotype - in fact, to say they've "Gone Wild" is an exaggeration - they at least take the lead now and then.

Risako (who looks a little like Ashley Blue) opens the movie by calling for a young man to service her. No champagne glass breasts for Risako, she is full-figured and hippy. The rest of the scenes are a little more standard-issue, with the men making the escort calls, and all the women looking eerily reminiscent of Dame Shirley Bassey. Maybe it's the outfits.

One interesting thing about the latter scenes was how comfortable and descriptive the men were in ordering women who looked like "Mom."

Next up: Cougars Gone Wild vs. Godzilla.

. . .

· Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
· Buy "Japanese Cougars Gone Wild" (gamelink.com)

Here is Mikayla Mendez on the cover of "Sexy Bitch." It's like someone—maybe it was you?—called her a Sexy Bitch from the laundry room and she's turning to say, "Who, me?" But now imagine that the blank white wall she's not looking at instead had a directive that would change her life, like "Eat more ham," "Jesus saves," or "No fat chicks."

What would you write? And what would you write it with?

· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)
· Buy "Sexy Bitch" (gamelink.com)

Not that that was bad. Jenny Hendrix? Jaelyn Fox? Sara Vandella? Lana Violet? Still, as commenters pointed out, even a porn parody of "The Cosby Show" should have some black people in it. So today I met the full cast, including (from left, top) Tyler Knight as Theo, Misty Stone as Lisa, Monica Foster as Claire, an actor who has not yet chosen his porn name as Cliff (but he had the voice down cold), Cassidy Clay as Sondra and - both the following women are, in fact, 20 - Nina Devan as Rudy and Melody Narai as Vanessa.

The movie is directed by Will Ryder and produced by Scott David, who is also responsible for the 60 costumes for a dozen cast members. "I went to every thrift store in L.A. at least five times," he said.

I was there for two days and I still don't know what the plot is, but everyone was having an excellent time, including the dapper Tee Real, who plays Cockroach (seen here with the delicious Jaelyn Fox) and Dick James, whom I affectionately call Lucky Bastard, seen here with Sara Vandella, Fox, Jenny Hendrix, and Lana Violet.

I posed the obvious question to director Will Ryder.

"So," I said, "do you think - "

"Yes, I think we'll get sued," he said.

· All Media Play (allmediaplay.com)

Page was a secretary who was bored with typing. When a photograoher named Jerry Tibbs spotted the 27-year-old taking a workday breather on Coney Island and asked her to pose, she thought nothing of it. What's more, when members of the era's hobbyist photo clubs requested something racier, the Nashville-born Page didn't see anything wrong with showing off what God gave her.

Soon the curvy brunette would pose gleefully brandishing whips or while tied and spread-eagled. Aside from some discomfort in her joints, she didn't see why anyone would have a problem.

But crusading Senator Estes Kefauver did, and his investigation into "perversion" in America brought unwelcome scrutiny on the meek hobbyist community and purveyors of pinup mags.

Page quit her fledgling modeling career when federal agents tracked her down, and she retreated from public view. Her 1959 conversion to born-again Christianity did not spur a Linda Lovelace-style repudiation of her career or former employers, but she did shun the limelight, resurfacing only a few times, such as for occasional autograoh events (where her signature would get $300) and a 1998 Playboy interview.

"I never thought it was shameful," she said of her nudie career. "I felt normal. It's just that it was much better than pounding a typewriter eight hours a day, which gets monotonous."

Page's post-pinup life was not monotonous. She suffered three divorces, landlord battles, and an institutionalization, but in later years seemed tolerant - if not engaged - with her iconic status.

Goodbye, Bettie, and thanks for making this fun.

· Bettie Page, 1950s Pinup Girl, Cult Figure Decades Later, Dies (bloomberg.com)
· Bettie Page (bettiepage.com)

While Dick James orally services a bored Jenny Hendrix ("I'm not taking any dicks today," she said) , and while Lana Violet and Jaelyn Fox drum on the thighs of a thrilled Jay Ashley, Long Island's own Sarah Vandella beams at Fleshbot readers with a cock growing out of her head.

We want to make a humpy-back camel with Vandella. "Not the Cosbys XXX," pending resolution of lawsuits, will be available early next year.

· X Play (allmediaplay.com)

"More than anything," I said. "Black Assgasm" had such promise: those asses, those nails, that Grimace. Join us after the gap to see what happened.

Have you ever heard of "putty" (as in Silly Putty, not Putty Tat) being used as a euphemism for "penis"? Neither have I. Yet here it is in the description of "Black Assgasms": "These are fine ebony babes who love putting the putty in their pooper until their pussy pops with delight!" But never mind the missed alliteration opportunity with "delight" instead of "pleasure" and other concerns: let's take a look at the film.

"These hoes out here - they bouncin' off the wall" declares the soundtrack to the movie, starring Osa Lovely, Chocolate, Tai Black Cat, and Moca, who make no bones about what is involved and what gets put where. We don't have to wait the entire movie to figure out what the plot is.

You're thinking, "This is too on the nose for me," but you'd be wrong. Sure it's a low budget porn movie, but there's some style, too. It's Halloween and a man waits in the parking lot of a warehouse where he is the cock in a porn scene, talking to his friend on the phone. "I'll hit you back, Doggie," he says. "I think I just saw my date." We see him framed by the sturdy legs of his scene partner.

Then she disappears and he follows her into the warehouse. "Hi Daddy," she says, propping herself on some boxes.

Then they get into it. It's a great scene!

The problem with compilation movies, though, is they can break your heart.

The scenes in "Black Assgasm" were shot between 2000 and this year, so the movie devolves from the real style of the first scene until the end, which is nothing more than a poorly shot free for all that answers with a resounding NO the question "Do you think guys get self-conscious when their cocks touch in a gangbang movie?"

I wish all the scenes in this movie were like the first one. I wish I could get independent confirmation on the existence of another person who uses the word "putty" to describe his junk. I wish these hoes would quit bouncing off the wall.

The disc also contains the full movie "Da Ho's Gotta Have It," rated by the defunct Adam Film World as that magazine's top-rated black title.

. . .

· Juicy Entertainment (xxxjuicy.com)
· Buy "Black Assgasm" (gamelink.com)

Ice La Fox, Whitney Stevens, Whitney Fears, Alyssa Reece, Renae Cruz, Abbey Brooks, Charli Laine, Karlie Montana, Ann Marie, and Gianna Lynn are beautiful eye candy in this movie, co-directed by Nautica Thorn and Payaso.

My only beef with this film (other than the fact that Thorn isn't in it herself) is the camera work. It is so fluidly filmed that the camera does not linger on a person or part long enough. This is a crime because everyone looks so good. A true hosiery fan would be happy that each performer is wearing and tearing her hose throughout her scene, but could be disappointed that the camera does not love them enough.

Maybe Nautica wanted us to not forget her.

Special kudos to the arresting boxcover artwork and to the punny, funny title itself. Looking forward to "Rapes by Rakes" (simulated, of course).

· Nautica Thorn (enternautica.com)
· Buy "Hose on Hoes" (gamelink.com)

· Zero Tolerance (zerotolerance.com)
· Buy "Waist Watchers 4" (gamelink.com)

By now you've learned how Cyberskin feels and the strangely pleasant blub-blub sound Cyberskin toys make when you squeeze, slap, or fuck them. But not until this moment could you see your own parts smushed within their recesses. You might even become mesmerized by your own skills and forget to ejaculate while waiting for the subway.

Not some mold of a starlet's vagina (unless that vagina is the Brain Bug from "Starship Troopers"), the Cyberskin Ice Action-View Pussy Stroker is entirely what you make of it - not to mention in it.

· Topco Sales (topcosales.us)
· Buy the Cyberskin Ice Action-View Pussy Stroker (tlavideo.com)

College student Tori Black sells raffle tickets for her basketball team to couple Marcus and Devinn. With the lengthy setup we know that healthy, All-American Tori will end up selling just a little more to the ravening oldsters but, in porn terms, when we know that everything has already been signed for and payment arrangements agreed upon, this extended dialogue scene is almost a seduction in itself. After all, rarely do porn performers spend too much time on camera together not fucking.

Later, perennial favorites (if I were Yakov Smirnov, I might call them "perineal favorites" ha ha ha!) Ethan Cage and Lexi Lamour - an actual couple - approach delicious Tatiana Kush at a park on the premise of scouting locations for a movie. They get her home pretty quickly. Frankly, I would believe anything Lexi Lamour ever said.

"Here's a new experience you can have," she tells Kush, the aspiring actress. I think Kush and Amber Peach should wrestle.

Later, they pull the same scam on Nicki Flame, this time appealing to her love of horticulture. Then: Marie McCray (something about dogs).

If an alien (from Space, not Yakov Smirnov) were to view just one porn movie, and if that movie were "Couples Seduce Teens 10," he could be forgiven for assuming that Porn Valley is full of couples on the prowl for easily-convinced teen flesh. Let's hope that life imitates art in my neighborhood.

. . .

· Pink Visual (pinkvisual.com)
· Buy "Couples Seduce Teens 10" (gamelink.com)

Post-Apocalyptic Cowgirls

Studio: Bleu Productions
Director: Maria Beatty
Cast: Surgeon Scofflaw, London, the 1973 AMC Spirit

Review by: Gram Ponante

On the saguaro-speckled byways of Arizona, a woman named Surgeon Scofflaw hitches rides from likely motorists. But one thing about Surgeon - she never seems grateful. Picked up by London, Surgeon immediately demands to drive and then forces London to gobble her strap-on. At least it's got a condom on it.

This is Maria Beatty's "Post-Apocalyptic Cowgirls." I learned from the movie's site that WWIII and Global Warming have turned the world into southwest Arizona. As the girls were already in southwest Arizona, at least they didn't have to run out to Mervyn's and get new wardrobes.

Then - and without even ponying up gas money - Surgeon both pisses and lactates on London in a junkyard. The clinical shots of this unusual desert precipitation were fascinating.

The photography by Nate Liquor bounces between road images of passing flora and the cramped interludes - most of which take place in or around the car - between Surgeon and London. With all of the American Southwest to play in, we wonder what it is that makes the two want to stay cooped up by London's AMC Spirit hatchback.

This is not a Porn Valley lesbian movie. This is a dirty, grabby, aspy, dusty series of interludes from November 2007 shot in the rain and the desert chill. There are none of the reveals that tend to delight the straight viewer of faux-lesbian sex. Indeed, Surgeon's and London's clothes stay mostly on, possibly due to the temperature.

With this in mind, and knowing that Surgeon is the one in charge throughout the movie, it is no surprise to see the manner in which London makes her exit from the film. We get the impression that Surgeon and London didn't bump into each other by happenstance.

Beatty directs with assurance and a keen eye for her target audience. That audience is not necessarily me, but I could tell there wasn't a missed step in the movie, which plays like a Chamber of Commerce ad for southwest Arizona (when there aren't hardcore lesbians fisting each other in it).

Bonus points to the soundtrack, provided by Lydia Lunch ("we go way back" says Beatty) Yann Jaffiol, and Bunny Rabbit. In a time when any MySpace band can be convinced - at least once - that it may help their career to be on a porn soundtrack in lieu of actual money, a recent porn trend consists of movies awash in incongruous, bad music that only benefits the producer in having been secured for free.

The "Cowgirls" soundtrack is a simple, spare mix of surf and Lunch's art-noise, which is perfect for the inside/outside smirky violence of the movie.

I think Beatty's next effort should feature Surgeon and Rutger Hauer in a hitchhiker fistoff.

· Buy "Post-Apocalyptic Cowgirls" (bleuproductions.com)

The description of this movie (and bear with me) is poignant:

Many men prefer their women on the tamer and quieter side! If that is you, these Japanese girls are a rare delight in a world of loud, annoying and fat, ugly women.

Reading between the lines, we can imagine a nation of Walter Mittys for whom the good old days meant quiet, submissive ladies who didn't snack between meals and whose opinions were their spouse's opinions.

But everyone from Yuki, here, to this morning's Dunkin' Donuts cashier in Mesa, AZ, knows that good blowjobs don't happen right out of the box, so that meekness is as cultivated as Sayaka's surprisingly assured fellatio skills.

. . .

· Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
· Buy "I'm Camera Shy 2" (gamelink.com)

But, in another way, "Romona" is difficult because it is one of those movies that is so wordy at times that the only way one can remember it's a porn flick is because 1.) well, come on, the acting, and 2.) because one is at all times wanting to see the people who currently have their clothes on with their clothes off.

We are happy to report that in this movie Ava Rose does not repeat Eddie Albert's mistake; she ditches the duds.

. . .

· Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
· Buy "Shades of Romona" (gamelink.com)

· Jules Jordan (julesjordan.com)
· Buy "Tunel Butts" (gamelink.com)

Slave 01

At first, all we hear above the Blackness is the dragging of a chain, as if Marley's Ghost has returned to the attic of the Cenobites. We are filled with unease. Master Eric wakes at 8 a.m. in his Porn Valley home and, without pausing to dress, wash, or gargle, pads downstairs to the hall closet, whip in hand, where a bound Moxxie has been placed for safekeeping.

This is "Slave 01," a feel-good snapshot of suburban domination and submission, using easy-to-find household products.

Maddron would look good no matter what she was wearing or not wearing, but here she is dolled up in bondage drag with eye mask, hoop earrings, and handcuffs. Eric relaxes some of these restraints so that she may give him a percussive blowjob in the downstairs bathroom.

"There's a good fucking little whore," says Eric.

Already director Ramone, a former editor of adult trade industry magazine AVN, is subverting our idea of the D/s relationship: Who would've imagined carpeting?

Then Eric bids Maddron lick the toilet. If this is what happens before 9 a.m., we can imagine what will happen by suppertime.

And indeed the day is broken into time-stamped title cards. At noon is a dildo session on the granite countertop, and at 4 we are told that "slave" (always in minuscule) will get the privilege of feasting on Master's asshole. Unfortunately, 4 p.m. is naptime for us, so we skipped that part.

We return at 7 to see that slave is to offer her "filthy, smelly pussy" to Master and are further told that it is irrelevant if she gets any pleasure from it. Yet there she is stimulating herself as he fucks her. Sneaky slave! No sequel for you!

Something happens at 10 p.m. that will make you reconsider what the Lions Club was cooking the hot dogs in at that Motocross event last summer.

Finally, at midnight, slave is placed back in her closet. We wonder what she ate or if she voided her bowels or returned e-mails at all during the day. It is not ours to know.

If the depredations visited upon Maddron in "Slave 01" are not your style, if you do not like the "filthy whore" school of pornography, then this movie is not for you. There is nothing lighthearted about it. But if you find the idea of lifestyle BDSM, with its rules, rigging, and rigidity the slightest bit compelling, then this movie is a straightforward, thoughtful, and rulebound effort.

(For example, we don't see Swiss' face until the end, and the camera always lingers on Maddron after every interlude as Swiss leaves her alone, perhaps to reflect on how good she's got it.)

And if not compelling, then at the least campy. The title cards could have used some editing, but Ramone is a director now and can't cater to the whims of reviewers. The bits of interstitial text seem like great alternate directions for a bachelorette party or Easter Egg Hunt.

Studio: JM Productions
Director: Mike Ramone
Cast: Eric Swiss, Moxxie Maddron

Review by: Gram Ponante

· JM Productions (jerkoffzone.com)
· Buy "Slave 01" (jerkoffzone.com)

McLennan, an aspiring actress and former Canadian junior tap dancing champion from Montreal, came to New York in 2000 and didn't catch the acting break she needed. Broke and single in 2003 and not knowing how she would pay her rent, she followed what was a surprisingly short series of leads into prostitution. But not the street kind: the limo and rooftop pool kind.

And that in three years it was all over isn't the story of the book. "In retrospect," McLellan told Fleshbot from Montreal, "there are only elements that I wouldn't repeat. Like the drugs. But I can't say it wasn't a great time or that I didn't learn a lot."

McLellan's rise from $700 an hour to more than $2k per session is fairly short. While she believes she is good at what she does, is well-read, articulate, and engaging, McLennan doesn't think of herself as model-beautiful. We get the impression that the world is ready for someone like her to occupy a space rather than submitting to her will.

"Post-9/11," McLennan said, "maybe people were thinking of other things."

She covers the logistics of the escort agency New York Confidential in a style that is less bookish and more like a MySpace blog. There is an inevitability about events with unclear antecedents, as if 20 years might need to elapse before we see the Why. As it is, "The Price" is valuable because it paints a picture of a New York where being the city's Number One Escort is something that can be advertised in New York magazine. What made this possible? That's a different book.

In "The Price," McLennan's world goes quickly from penury to shopping sprees where she spends $15k before lunch and, while we see some lean times and an absent dad in her childhood, we don't get the impression that she is damaged goods. She's got boyfriend trouble, sure, sometimes the other escorts get jealous, she wonders whether she should tell the Hollywood agent she's servicing that she's also an actress - but all of it seems so normal. She seems devoid of the baggage that accompanies women in most mass market sex worker narratives.

"Well," McLennan said, "that's because I'm a normal person."

Perhaps because all of the famous characters are still around, McLennan does not name most names, but this serves the narrative in that "The Price" is procedural and not a tell-all; we become more fascinated with her closets and the thread-count of her sheets than we do with who the famous quarterback is.

"Those were the reasons/And that was New York" said McLennan's countryman Leonard Cohen in "Chelsea Hotel #2" which, when you think of it, also paints what someone else might call sordid in a more matter of fact light. As New York Confidential unravels with the imprudent Page Six boasting of its owner, Jason Itzler, as McLennan becomes more mired in drugs, and as events sail toward their inevitable "Behind the Music" conclusion, we still know from the fact that we are reading an autobiography that "this just happened" and it couldn't be that bad.

And it isn't. McLennan got charged with money laundering for her role in the agency, is back in Canada as the manager of a spa, and is doing her book tour, spending a little time, no doubt, on Ashley, an escort acquaintance whose involvement with former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer caused him to resign. But "The Price" is not about Ashley, and it is almost not about McLennan; it's more of a mash note to New York City and the things that are possible there if you are a voyageur sans baggage.

· Buy "The Price: My Rise and Fall As Natalia, New York's #1 Escort"
(amazon.com)

· Diabolic (diabolic.com)
· Buy "Need for Seed 3" (gamelink.com)

Lest you thought you were watching yet another reason for the mothballing of Guantanamo Bay, the mass ass-presentation of (from left) Ava Rose, Bobbi Starr, Bree Olson, Trinity Post, and Mika Tan to the cruel whips of Nina Hartley and Claire Adams that led this story was in honor of the release of "O2: The Surrender of O."

Here Adams scandalizes the proper Hartley with some ribaldry.

At the Webmaster Access West convention, an annual get-together of Internet nerds who happen to own the porn industry, The Internet's Ashley Steele poses with two eskimo girls from the affiliate program Flashcash. Who cares if she can't see Russia from her house?

Then Bobbi Starr returned at Hollywood's Golden Apple Comics to launch Nerdcore's 2009 calendar (she's Miss November). As you can see, here she is attempting to fist the Silver Surfer.

Finally, we caught geektrix extraordinaire Justine Joli trying to leave the city of Los Angeles. "If you try to keep me," she did not say, "you never really had me."

What is the thematic difference between Byron's series "Lord of Asses" and "House of Ass" other than, say, spelling?

Perhaps this confusion influenced Byron's decision to jettison one of them.

"I'm known as the Lord of Asses," the veteran performer says, graying and sporting a pair of hipster glasses, "so I thought I'd switch it up. I'm going to start a series called 'The King of Cootchies,' so I can have sex with all the pretty girls who don't take it in the ass."

Can you just declare yourself King, Tom? If so, then you would take the throne in an assless coup.

But back to Charley Chase. (And we mean it when we say "back.")

"That was a big load," says Chase when the deed is done.

"I don't know," replies Byron. "The old man has his moments."

I also take issue with the title. The women in this movie - Lexi Belle, Scarlett Fay, Chase, Mina Leigh, Brynn Tyler - are all so much more than their asses.

I guess everyone has at one point shouted "Oh shit" when having sex. But if I were the script supervisor on this film I would have suggested that Brynn Tyler not say "Oh shit" in a place called the House of Ass.

"It's going to be great to fuck you," says Byron to Scarlett Fay as she peers at him over his penis. How does he know? Is he, like, Nostradam-ass?

So we look forward to "The King of Cootchies," just as long as there isn't a parallel series called "House of Cootchies."


. . .

· Tom Byron (tombyronshard.com)
· Buy "Tom Byron's House of Ass 10" (mondoerotica.com)

Natural curves blend with natural light in these nine scenes, none of which involves temptation but each of which is decidedly intimate. Healthy Aussies masturbate themselves or each other for as long as it takes to get the job done. After all, "Abby Winters" guarantees real orgasms - or she'll refund your money herself!

Each of the scenes is a highlight for fans of low-key, no-nonsense porn from people who look content to be there, but standouts are the Meg White-lookalike covergirl Krystin, two scenes of Lou-Ellyn (one of which features her masturbating to a Nick Cave poster), and a split screen phone sex interlude between Ren and Shaminee.

I know that naming porn movies is difficult, and that "Dirtpipe Milkshakes" is already taken, but I'd even take "Gulpilil's Private Stash" over "Intimate Temptations."

. . .

· Abby Winters (abbywinters.com)
· Buy "Intimate Temptations" (gamelink.com)

In "Medical Pain Sluts 2," the petite dominatrix Natali Demore clearly has something to prove, else she would treat pain rather than inflict more of it.

Admittedly I was compelled as if by the power of Christ to write something - anything - about anyone calling herself Mina Meow. After all, I thought, could she be the new Strokahontas? But I was drawn into the drama of the scene, which lasted all of ten minutes and which didn't resolve so much as left Ms. Meow curled in a supine fetal position with tubes in her ass.

I suppose it took her mind off the headaches...

· Bondage Orgasms (bondageorgasms.com)
· Buy "Medical Pain Sluts 2" (cduniverse.com)

· Evasive Angles (evasiveangles.com)
· Buy "Mama Turned Me Out 3" (gamelink.com)

"It looks like what they do with a cell phone tower when they try to make it look like a palm tree," said an interested observer of the floppy rubber sleeve ending with a more turgid penis facsimile. "You can tell something's not right but you're not sure what."

The feeling of tightness was not unpleasant, but it soon became clear that the Cyberskin 4" Extra Thick Transformer Penis Extension would require some handling if the sensation weren't to be like trying to write with a broken pencil.

I will not include a picture of myself sporting this thing, as my job is to write about sex, not inspire it.

So, holding on tight to the space between where I ended and the Cyberskin 4" Extra Thick Transformer Penis Extension began, I guided the vessel into the interested observer and she sort of dug it, my being suddenly mixed-race and all. I felt like I was reversing the Bradley Effect every moment I was in there. But it was more work for me despite her enjoyment and - full but reluctant disclosure - the pudendum addendum, while longer, was not actually thicker. So it was like I was poking her with San Francisco's Transamerica Building.

The overall effect was like jerking off in a sleeve while where I wanted to be was four inches away, which was very porny.

· Topco Sales (topcosales.us)
· Buy "Cyberskin 4" Extra Thick Transformer Penis Extension" (gamelink.com)

"Oh, right," Joli said, wriggling in her Wonder Woman Underoos. "Here they are."

· You Can Thrive! (youcanthrive.org)

Escape from Women's Prison

This is a story about redemption.

Matt comes home to find stranger Ashley Blue smoking a cigarette. "Dad's not home," she says.

"Who the fuck are you?" he says.

"An old friend," she says, exhaling. "You're pretty cute. They'd like you in prison. Would you like to see my pussy?"

Thus begins Escape from Women's Prison, a movie that neatly straddles the gap between a B-movie you wish had more sex in it and a porn movie you wish didn't look so much like a goddamn porn movie. And for Ashley Blue it is the role of a lifetime, an excellent example of her self-fulfilling prophecy style of acting: she speaks abusively and is then fucked abusively.

She forces Matt to fuck her "prison style." You see, she has been there.

"Suck my toes, Prison Boy," she says. "Don't rip my stockings, though. I got them for free when I left prison."

Then:

"Get off me! Is that the best you can do? Don't make me reach up there and slap you! Come on, you worthless fucker! Do I have to fuck myself? What are you doing? Am I too creepy?"

Yes, Ashley. Prison has made you creepy. Because Escape from Women's Prison is actually an updating of 2003's Bitches Behind Bars, a movie that Powers said was not edited the way he would have liked. So he took footage from the original movie, which starred then-porn neophyte Blue, and updated it with new scenes, using the old movie as flashback material.

Blue is paying Matt a visit because his father (Johnny Thrust) was the incompetent lawyer of her prison girlfriend, Maggie.

In flashbacks, we meet Maggie and Blue's fellow prisoners. We share Blue's anguish at having to make her own marital aids in the prison woodshop.

"Is this a shank?" a guard asks, holding a sharpened baseball bat.

"No," she admits. "It's a dildo."

Naturally, the guard makes her prove it. And he's not the only one. Warden Rod Fontana shows a different side from his genial Skipper. In fact, there are no prison employees who don't take sexual advantage of the inmates. It is hard to believe in such circumstances that California's prison guards have the gall to threaten to recall Governor Schwarzenegger for more pay. Look at the perks!

In all, the new scenes look better than the old ones (save for a nice bit of bluster from Fontana), and the update provides a rare look at how five years looks on a porn performer. For Blue, who never got implants, the half-decade interval seems to have not happened at all.

She and Thrust (whose day job is as Powers' production manager) are the only cast members who return and, as far as I can tell, only they, Ben English, and Fontana are still in the adult business.

So why has Blue visited the home of her prison buddy's lawyer? For some horrifying revenge. But you should see the movie to find out what that is.

Studio: Powersville
Director: Jim Powers
Cast: Ashley Blue, Jasmine Lynne, Maggie Star, Egypt, Ashley Moore, Rafe, Ben English, Rod Fontana, Johnny Thrust

Review by: Gram Ponante

· Jim Powers (mrfilth.com)
· Buy "Escape from Women's Prison" (gamelink.com)

As we mentioned last month, Batts shot the film in roughly the same area as did Russ Meyer when the latter filmed "Faster Pussycat Kill! Kill!" in 1965, and "VBB" features just as much eye candy, if not more (considering it's in color). Flores, La Cholita, and de la Cruz are trash-talking badasses who get stranded in the desert. And they must love their way home.

In their wanderings they meet psychedelic tea merchants (Otto Bauer and Audrey Hollander) and an arid extra-dry dance troupe, an encounter that leads to a wrestling match with drag queen Pa Fuschia.

Jerk-off material? Art? Way Beyond the Valley of the Dolls? You decide.

In fact, why don't you decide in person? Batts and April Flores will be signing copies of "Voluptuous Biker Babes" tonight at Sunset Blvd.'s famed Book Soup between 7 and 10.

· Carlos Batts (fattyd.com)
· Book Soup (booksoup.com)