Maybe it's those orange shorts, or the tan pantyhose, or that creepy owl—but anyway, what we're really trying to say here is that the Hooters Swimsuit Pageant is a vastly better way to experience the charms of your friendly neighborhood Hooters girl.

Perhaps the company will take note and consider a change in uniform? Bikinis might not be the most hygienic workplace attire...but we're sure the health inspector would be happy to turn a blind eye. Right?

· 2009 Hooters Swimsuit Pageant (boobieblog.com)

· "Miss Nudie-verse" (thesun.co.uk)

· "Ann van Elsen in de Playboy" (vkmag.com, via Your Dirty Mind)

· "ann van elsen naakt" (YouTube)
· See also: Ann Van Elsen (Wikipedia)

· "New Miss America cheered by friends throughout the state" (story + gallery @ freep.com)
· Miss America Photo Gallery (yahoo.com)
· "miss michigan" (urbandictionary.com)

Her whirlwind "career" has involved acting, modeling, a broken engagement to baseball slugger Bobby Abreu, and letting most of the Spanish-speaking world watch her have sex on camera, Big Brother reality show style. (Those last two items might be related.) She capped it all off with a Playboy spread last year that was so successful, she's been called up to the big leagues and will appear with new photos in the American edition next month. If we've learned anything about her so far, it's that Alicia is not shy, so this review of her previous "work" offers quite a preview of what's to come.

· ALICIA MACHADO IN PLAYBOY (darchtimes.com)

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· Alicia Machado Ex Miss Venezuela (metacafe.com, via toxicmagazine.com)
· Alicia Machado Bio (Wikipedia)

We were too hung over on barbecue ribs last night to catch the Miss Universe pageant, and believe it or not, we're kind of sad we missed it. This year's finals featured the first Rastafarian contender, a bald chick, Miss USA falling on stage (and getting booed by the NAFTA-hating Mexico City crowd) and an upset win by Riyo Mori, the tall drink of water from Japan. And because a beauty pageant just isn't a beauty pageant without a topless photo scandal, some old modeling pics of Miss Czech Republic conveniently resurfaced just in time for the event. (We suppose that, technically, she is not wearing a top.) It sounds like it had something for everyone, even if you like to pick your own winner based solely on the swimsuit competition. We'll be keeping an eye on Japan, however, because if they're now adding leggy superbabes to their list of exports there will soon be no stopping them.

· Miss Japan crowned Miss Universe 2007 (story + slideshow @ yahoo.com)
· Miss Japan upsets Universe (brisbanetimes.com.au)
· Lucie Hadasova Topless Pictures Heat Up Miss Universe Contest (toxicmagazine.com)
· Miss Universe 2007 (missuniverse.com)

Previously: New Miss Great Britain Yet To Be Brought Down By Scandal, Miss Australia "Nude" Scandal, Celebrity Cameltoe Watch™: Rachel Smith, Miss USA 2007, Meet (And Grope!) Miss Nevada, (Former) Miss Great Britain Danielle Lloyd in Playboy, Miss Universe 2006, Natalie Glebova, Miss Universe 2005

Did you know that in Britain, you can bet on the outcome of beauty pageants? (You can place a bet on almost anything over there from we understand, but betting on babe parades seems like a particularly bad investment strategy.) This does have the benefit of allowing one to quantify just how big an upset it was for someone like Rachael Tennant to be named Miss Great Britain yesterday. At 25-1, the beauty from Aberdeen, Scotland, came out of nowhere to beat a host of Gemmas, Claires and other Rachaels (seriously, were these names given out by court order 20 years ago?) and even a pair of Page 3 veterans to claim the crown. The next question of course is what scandal will threaten to destory her career make her even more famous? It will be tough to top 2006 champion Danielle Lloyd's judge-humping adventure, but in a land where topless models like Michelle Marsh are the favorites to represent your country to the world, perhaps they're relaxing the standards for "moral certitude" a bit. We only hope that Miss USA and Miss America learn a thing or two about propriety from these birds.

· Meet Miss Great Britain (sky.com)
· Finalist Photos: here, here, + here (hollywoodtuna.com + latenightpictures.com + eleven.aol.co.uk)
· Miss Great Britain (official site @ miss-gb.co.uk)

Previously: (Former) Miss Great Britain Danielle Lloyd in Playboy, Michelle Marsh Will Not Be Ignored, Miss Australia "Nude" Scandal, Celebrity Cameltoe Watch™: Rachel Smith, Miss USA 2007, 100 Hot Footballer's Wives, Girl Management

What is the deal with beauty pageant contestants and the scandalous pasts that always seem to come back and haunt them? For the second-year in a row, the leading candidate for the Miss Australia title has been booted because of some topless photos that appeared in a men's magazine. Topless being a relative term, apparently, since while Perth's own Carly Hanson is definitely not wearing a top in this Ralph magazine spread, all the naughty bits have been cleverly covered by gold leaf. Hardly shocking, but enough to get her disqualified. So if you're keeping score at home, that's two Miss Australias, a Miss Great Britain, a Miss USA, a Miss Nevada, and a Miss France "disgraced" in the last two years ... and those are just the ones we know about. The irony, of course, is that if any of them has stayed on the straight and narrow and actually won the Miss Universe title they were gunning for, they would have remained completely anonymous to us and most of the world. Is that what they mean by a moral (amoral?) victory?

· Carly Hanson Photos here and here (ralph.ninemsn.com.au)
· Erin McNaught (2006 Contender) Photos (ralph.ninemsn.com.au)
· Topless shots end beauty's quest (thewest.com.au)

Previously: Celebrity Cameltoe Watch : Rachel Smith, Miss USA 2007, (Former) Miss Great Britain Danielle Lloyd in Playboy, Miss Universe 2006, Miss France Semi-Nude Scandal, Meet (And Grope!) Miss Nevada

While you were out drinking on Friday night, the leadership in this country changed hands as Miss Tennessee Rachel Smith won the Miss USA pageant. The crown was passed to her from reigning wild child Tara Conner, but only time will tell if the new champ will follow in the footsteps of her predecessor when it comes to creating controversy. She certainly has a long way to go to catch Miss Nevada in that department ... or Miss Great Britain ... or Miss (Almost) Norway, but a little swimsuit competition cameltoe action isn't a bad way to start. Here's a hoping a bit of scandalous magic is still left in that tiara—because if beauty queens can't get people riled up with their "out of control" antics, then what's the point of even having a pageant?

· Rachel Smith Is Miss USA (toxicmagazine.com)
· Miss Tennessee crowned new Miss USA (celebrity-pictures-gossip.com)
· Miss USA Pageant Slideshow (yahoo.com)
· Related: Sexy Miss Sweden Not Just a Pretty Face (abcnews.go.com)

Previously: Flesh Flicks Classic Edition: Revisiting Aylar Lie, Meet (And Grope!) Miss Nevada, Trump or No Trump?, (Former) Miss Great Britain Danielle Lloyd in Playboy, Wet Spots - Tara Conner, Miss Universe 2006

· Meet the new Miss USA contestants and place your bets on which one will be the first to have embarrassing photos published on the web. (hornyoyster.com)

· Would you drink high tea with Ron Jeremy? We've got nothing against the man, but watch where you put your scones. (brooksbulletin.com)

· Meanwhile, Australian politicians are up in arms over a lunch the Prime Minister had with a pornographer almost three years ago. Wow, Australia really needs to work on their political scandals. (abc.net.au + smh.com.au)

· The editor of Playboy Indonesia was found guilty of publishing pornographic images and some protesters want him hanged for his crime. OK, so the airbrushing is getting excessive—but is the death penalty really the answer? (foxnews.com)

· An update on the Washington, DC, madam and the phone list of her (supposedly) high-powered clients. Of course, you wouldn't be interested in something so salacious and tawdry, would you? (thelede.blogs.nytimes.com)

· Is now the time to invest in porn? And no, your complete collection of the "Where The Boys Aren't" series does not count as a nest egg. (bloggingstocks.com)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives