Topco takes us back to a time when pubic hair's purpose was to shade a delightful secret and to provide a marker on the way to home base. Today it's just slide right in.

Laura Doone's Vibrating Cyberskin Hairy Pussy arrived via UPS on a 100-degree day in Los Angeles, and it was still warm when it got here. Holding it in my hands, squeezing it until it made that distinctive Cyberskin thworpthworpthworp, I imagined what it would be like when original "Joy of Sex" line art-looking lovers would routinely burst into flame when their pubes ignited, as I have read in ancient tomes.

"Was it actually molded from Laura Doone?" I asked a Topco representative, unable to find anything about the current whereabouts of the Cyberskin creation's namesake.

"No, it was inspired by Laura," I was told. "There was no way to actually mold her."

If Ms. Doone was 18 years old at the time of her centerfold by Bob Guccione, she would be 53 now. Unfortunately, only by having a shaved pussy could her age be verified.

I asked the Topco representative where the hair came from.

"Was it from angels?" I said.

"It's the same material you'd find in high-end wigs," he said.

So angels?

Anyway, I looked into my drawer full of Cyberskin vibrating pussies and found that this one was similar to several other shaved ones, except with hair. It's like they used a Joanna Angel chassis and put hair on it.

But that's OK, because to use Laura Doone's Vibrating Cyberskin Pussy is to actually fuck time, and that's got to be worth something.

· Topco (topcosales.us)
· Buy Laura Doone's 1974 Hairy Vibrating Cyberskin Pussy (sextoysexfurniture.com)

Well, with modern babes and more boobs, actually. A lot more boobs. Anyone know why they didn't do the original covers like this? They would have sold twice as many copies! At least.

· Sophie Howard, Danni Wells, & Rosie Jones Topless In Loaded (see more @ dailpoa.com)

Now, granted, 2007 was a very good year—but it was also two years ago. So why highlight it now? Are they, perhaps, planning an extra special tribute to Keeley Hazell's sex tape (leaked that year!)?

Probably not...but we can still hope, right?

· New Issue of Nuts (nuts.co.uk)

Before Sunset Thomas, pornstars didn't work at the Bunny Ranch. The original contract hopping star burned through companies without a care; and then threw it all away to flat back it for horny truckers, while home viewers remained spellbound watching via Showtime. Despite all she's done, we can't say that we will miss her. Sadly, her best work was recorded years ago when she was with VCA—and since then she's been more of an ambassador for hooking than anything else.

Marsellus Wallace said it best in Pulp Fiction: pornstars are a lot like fighters, thinking that their asses are like a fine wine that will age to perfection over time—when in actuality, they won't. Watching uber pornstar and sexual pioneer Sunset Thomas hang in there over the years has offered us ample proof. True, there are some who say that fans want to see their favorite girls grow into women, as part of the sexual progression, but—with some notable exceptions like Nina Hartley and Kylie Ireland—largely we disagree.

When yesterday's stars come knocking during tough economic times (cough! cough! Tabitha Stevens!), we have to remind them what Jerry McGuire taught us: it ain't "showfriends," it's "show business." (And then we politely text them Tom Byron's home phone number.)

It's not all a loss: Hustler threw in some hotties to keep this thing from becoming a novelty purchase for office parties, including Penny Flame, bitchy Brooke, Lexi, and others. Don't be scared.

"Into The Sunset" releases today from Hustler. So long, Sunset and thanks for your niece!

· Hustler Video (hustlervideo.com)

We at Fleshbot are, of course, young, internet-savvy hipsters on the cutting edges of both sex and technology, so Lorians was before our time (she was a star in the eighties, when they were playing classic rock like Robert Palmer and Tears for Fears on the radio, whatever that was).

They had color pictures in the eighties, as you can see from the last picture, so these black and white photos with the good parts carefully cut out are actually making us long for the innocence of two completely different times at once.

Lorians turns 47 today, although if you were a gentleman, you wouldn't have asked.

Ah, nostalgia…

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Jacqueline Lorians at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Jacqueline Lorians' movies (gamelink.com)

. . .

· "Janine and Dyanna Lauren" (Megarotic)

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Previously: Flesh Flicks Archive

. . . . .

· Swingtown (cbs.com)
· See also: "Is Swingtown Sexy or Staid?" (Gawker)

And while the idea was that you would actually do the exercises along with the instructors, the typical viewers were actually hungover college students and unemployed factory workers hoping for a nice shot of some deep knee squats. Hopefully, all of that explains our misty-eyed nostaglia for this multimedia tribute to Denise Austin, queen of the sports bra-ed wonders. Nobody stretched it out quite like her ... well, except maybe some of her more dedicated followers without access to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

· Denise Austin Picture Page (sound file warning @ celebrityboobsandbutts.com)

Previously: Miss Candy's Domination Training: No Pain, No Gain, Body Builder Porn, Nude Yoga: Get Bent (Into Shape)

Before the Internet, before streaming video, before Astroglide, there was only us. And our hands. These are the heroic tales of a struggle for self-pleasure in an inhospitable world. A world of pesky siblings, spotty cable reception, and dog-eared Victoria's Secret catalogues.

· True Beat Generation (truebeatgeneration.blogspot.com, via Gawker)