Remember folks, your cleavage needs to be exposed at all times. You don't want to risk overheating or, you know, not showing off your cleavage.

· Marloes Horst UHQ "Myla" S/S 2010 Lingerie & Swimwear Campaign Photo Shoot (nebulasnudecelebs.blogspot.com)

And while that is a rather crushing disappointment, we'd advise you all against slitting your wrists and ending it all. Because, true, the chances of seeing Christina Hendricks au natural are very, very slim; but she has shown a propensity for a bit of on camera sexiness—and that, at least, gives us fuel for our fantasies.

And so it is that we bring you two of Christina Hendricks's sexiest (and nakedest) TV moments. Above, a bra-clad Christina on "Beggars and Choosers;" below, a (gasp!) nude Christina (who only shows her back) from "Firefly." It may not be much, but it is something...and it's enough to keep us going, even as Christina continues to crush our hopes and dreams.

· Clips via Nudography (nudography.com)

· Photo source: Pacific Coast News

You can really tell a lot about your impending intercourse by how an individual sucks cock. Do they make eye contact? Have they neglected the balls? Are they cool with putting this on the internet? Pair this dome with a fine wine, let the flavors mingle and unfold, and you can taste all the booty shaking moments to follow.

· Davida smokes a cock (xtube.com)

We really are blessed, aren't we. And, by extension, so are you! Enjoy the preview...and for more hotness, go to RyanKeely.com and HollyRandall.com.

Ryan Keely
Photo by Holly Randall
Ryan Keely
Photo by Holly Randall
Ryan Keely
Photo by Holly Randall
Ryan Keely
Photo by Holly Randall
Ryan Keely
Photo by Holly Randall

Frankly, we can't think of a more fitting way to celebrate this momentous occasion. Unless, of course, American Apparel decided to stock their stores with similarly clad babes...that would definitely work for us.

· It's Pantytime (youtube.com, via animalnewyork.com)

It's not quite the same as seeing Ms. Hendricks in just her bra (or—gasp!—topless), but it's pretty close. And, for now at least, it's close enough to keep us happy.

· Christina Hendricks (hollywoodtuna.com)

· Emma Glover and Emily O'Hara (nsfwpoa.com)

Above: the backside of a lingerie-clad woman who may or may not be Snooki. But wait! That text points out that the photos on the wall of the lingerie-clad woman exactly match the photos in the picture Snooki has on her MySpace page.

Well, that proves things for us. Unless...well, unless Snooki happens to be the kind of person who lets random girls model in lingerie in her house (hey, it could happen!).

· Naked Snooki (nakedsnooki.com)

Or, er, Megan Fox's underwear, anyway. The stuff she's modeling here. The style, we mean, not the exact pair she's modeling (though that would be very nice too).

· Megan Fox - The new face of Armani underwear (2010) (youtube.com, via fashioncopious.typepad.com)

We've broken down our guide into three levels of commitment. So without further ado, let us ponder the first level, and observe what gifts to get if you're in a...

Budding Romance

For those of you who are in the exciting, experimental beginnings of a relationship, Valentine's Day is a test of creativity. You can't come out with some corny flowers and chocolate combo; you need to pimp that big, throbbing brain of yours and show your significant other the merits of hopping on the tandem bicycle called love. Might we suggest...

· Cover pic via Club Kayden (clubkayden.branddanger.com)

Magnetic Poetry Kit: Erotic Edition

What's cuter than a bunch of chopped up words on your fridge door? How about if those words were delightfully naughty? The Erotic Magnetic Poetry Kit may seem like a childish tactic for a gift, but hear us out. You and your date come back from dinner, tipsy from the Cristal and Alize you imbibed. You both start writing dirty poems on the fridge, laughing at first as you search for the "cock" magnet, then you start giving directions: "touch my lava hole," or perhaps "lick the pendulous pole." Before you know it, you and your date will be in bed, living out your poetic perversions.

· Magnetic Poetry Kit: Erotic Edition (areyougame.com)

Consenting Adults

Consenting Adults encourages you and your opponent/teammate/object of desire to lose your inhibitions and follow the luck of the draw. The game comes with 200 activity cards and more than 500 "unique suggestions," and they call for everything from holding hands to breaking out the whips. It can be great for when you're certain you want to get laid (which is always), but you don't have the gumption to go ahead and say it. Sometimes it is ok to play love games.

· Consenting Adults (areyougame.com)

Erotica!

Yes, nothing says "I'm constantly thinking about sex in an intellectual fashion" quite like a good book of erotica. We can recommend tons of books for just such an occasion, but perhaps the best blanket book to buy is Best Women's Erotica 2010. It's current, sexy, well-written, and well-edited by our good friend, Violet Blue. Not convinced? Here's an excerpt. Work that sexy librarian angle.

· Best Women's Erotica 2010 (amazon.com)

In for the Long Haul

What do you get for the down ass thug/chick who's stuck with you all these days, months, or years? Maybe it's time to mix it up. We're not saying you have to take tango lessons or start swinging (we're not not saying that either), but you and your loved one are prime candidates for adding new tricks to your bedroom repertoire. Here's what we have in store for you...

· Pic via Ann-Angel.com (ann-angel.com)

JimmyJane's Special Valentine's Day Bundles

Our homies at JimmyJane have put together three fun bundles featuring some of their most popular sensuous delights. Our favorite package is called INDULGE, which includes a 24k gold vibrator, a massage ring, and two massage oil candles. There's no mystery involved with this gift; the only problem is that you'll never want to put your fabulous golden vibrator away. (We generally keep ours on the coffee table.)

· Valentine's Day Specials (jimmyjane.com)

Kiki De Montparnasse

Lingerie is classic gift, but choosing the right item is a delicate procedure (see what we did there?). Ladies, you have to choose something that's as comfortable for you as it is appealing for him. Fellas, don't be cheap or sleazy. If you're looking for something high quality and sexy as hell, we suggest browsing Kiki De Montparnasse. You might be wondering, "Why would I spend a ton of money on fancy lingerie we're only going to see once?" Trust us, if you buy Kiki, you'll be seeing it a lot.

· Love is Blind Blindfold, Voyeur Frame Bra, and Voyeur Garter Belt (kikidm.com)

Brave New World Combo

Here's a quick package of our own design: the Brave New World Combo. For the ladies, we have the Earth Angel hand-cranked vibrator. As a battery-free vibe made from recycled plastics, it's delightfully eco-friendly. Better yet, if 2012 brings about the apocalypse, the survivors will need to conserve battery power. We can't think of a better way to say, "I care about your sexual needs even if the world ends."

For the gents, we have the BOB a stylish little prostate poker from LELO Homme. It's sleek and dainty enough for even the most timid of boys to consider sticking it up their nether-regions, and its ring base allows for minutely controlled stimulation. Who doesn't love a little variety?

· Earth Angel (babeland.com)
· LELO BOB: Our gentleman's plug (en.lelo.com)

Vampire Sex Combo

Whether you're patiently the new season of "True Blood" or rereading Anne Rice novels for the umpteenth time, everyone has a thing for vampires. You can deny it, but if some horny bloodsucker showed up in your bedroom to offer an eternity of looking good and staying up late, you'd be all over it. With that in mind, please enjoy our second gift package, the Vampire Sex Combo.

The Vampire Gloves are soft and leathery on one side, and sharp and prickly on the fingers. If you like a little (or a lot of) pain with your pleasure, then look no further. They might not be as good as fangs, but those fake things fall out and that would most definitely ruin the mood.

Of course, no fantasy about having sex with a vampire would be complete without The Vamp, everyone's favorite dildo that sparkles in the light like a certain character from a certain vampire movie we're not going to mention. A popular way to enjoy The Vamp, so we're told, is to leave him in the refrigerator so it gets nice and chilly, recreating the experience of screwing a cold-blooded vampire. Yes, you can put all silicon sex objects in the fridge, but this is (as far as we know) the only pale, glittery phallus on the market today.

· KinkLab Vampire Gloves (stockroom.com)
· The Vamp | Limited Edition (babeland.com)

For The Lonely

Hey, when you think about it, Valentine's Day is just a made up holiday used to sell you pink-colored things. You don't need pink-colored things to have a good time (except Fleshbot, of course). Take this day to have a little you time, and pamper yourself. You deserve...

· Sandy-Summers.com (sandy-summers.com)
True Companionship

Ok, Roxxxy might not be ready to ship just yet, but you can design your very own fully automated and responsive love doll for pre-order! Soon, your life will be just like "2040" starring Alektra Blue as a pornographic android.

You haven't seen it? Well, by all means you should. If you're going to customize and perhaps even fall in love with a robot, you should know what you're in store for. When Roxxxy (or Rocky, if you order the male version) finally arrives, you might not want to show her "2040," since she might get jealous of Alektra.

But if you'd like to watch a pornographic film with your date, we suggest "The 8th Day," Adam & Eve's vision of a sex crazed future (as opposed to the sex crazed present) starring Kayden Kross. It's the perfect film to watch while cozying up on the couch with a glass of wine and a loved one. When it comes to Valentine's Day, the simple pleasures are the best.

· "2040" (gamelink.com)
· "The 8th Day" (adameve.com)
· TrueCompanion.com - Home of the World's First Sex Robot (truecompanion.com)

Say hello to Alessandra Torresani. From what we here, she's a very talented young lady...and she's also an actress, too.

· Alessandra Torresani (celebrityodor.com)

But thanks to the miracle of flash photography—and your lovely choice of outfit—we now know that you favor hot pink undergarments. And believe you us, that's surely going to make this weekend's Valentine's Day shopping much, much easier. (Oh, also, can we have your mailing address?)

· Photo source: Pacific Coast News (pacificcoastnews.com)

· Celebrity Big Brother's Katia Ivanova (prettyhotandsexy.sk)

And once all YouTube videos are made available for streaming in 3D...well, then we'll be able to feel it even more. (Until, of course, the video ends and we're forced to take off our wacky glasses and confront our filthy hovel, sadly free of scantily clad maids. But whatever, that's, like, the future.)

· Chore (youtube.com, via copyranter.blogspot.com)
· Damaris (damaris.co.uk)

Known as Petit Coeur (or "Little Heart," for the English speakers), the line was designed by Katsuni herself. It's not in the States yet, but trust us, it's worth the wait: after all, it's already thrilling the French (and you know how picky they are!).

Want to learn more about the project (or just ogle Katsuni in her underwear)? Above, Katsuni and friends model her designs; below, Katuni speaks to us about Petit Coeur.

· Petit Coeur (petitcoeur.com, see more @ YouTube)

Yes, Megan Fox is the new face, body, and (most of all) boobs of Emporio Armani Women's Underwear. And we can rest easy knowing that Megan's got an income source to fall back on when Michael Bay finally puts the Transformers franchise to bed.

· Megan Fox New Face Of Emporio Armani Women's Underwear & Armani Jeans (fashioncopious.typepad.com)