Jane was just about to squirt chocolate on herself, at which point my camera was jostled by ravening lesbians who proceeded to lick it off her.

The event was the Exotic Erotic Ball, a hit or miss affair with heart and soul and plenty of local color. Like this protester's sign, however, the Ball tried to cater to as diverse a group as possible but didn't have its act together. Still, the friendliness of the crowd inside was a very welcome and opposite counterpoint to the real hatred of this group of protesters.

Down south, delightful pixie Aiden Starr auditions for Erica McLean and Carlos Batts' upcoming "Alice in Wonderland" porn adaptation (which will be at least the third this year and, if she gets the role, Starr's second foray through the looking glass).

April Flores, of course, plays the Red Queen. I think that will be awesome.

Across Porn Valley, Ashlynn Brooke plays Sookie in New Sensations' adaptation of "True Blood," scripted by Brooke herself. She is so unbelievably pretty I forgot her clothes were on.

The chameleonic Misty Stone plays Tara (she just found out Lafayette was dead) and Evan Stone plays Evan Stone playing a guy from the show. In the background we see Ralph Long, pulling double duty as a boom operator (we last saw Long as Screech in "This Ain't Saved by the Bell" as well as in "The Sex Files").

Finally we managed to get inside, to Silverlake's Bigfoot Lodge (this reporter's local bar), where at 10 in the morning Misty Stone inspired more wood within the woody surroundings.

I am excited about the 30th annual Exotic Erotic Ball, which I will be attending to add a layer of decorum to the debauchery (by wearing a monocle). But, lest proximity to the writhing free love deviants prove overwhelming, I'm also going to be trying out the RealTouch haptic sex simulator, which transmits signals directly to one's junk via specially-coded adult videos.

Will the moistness and friction of the haptic marital aid rival what is available to one in real life, or will one forsake the carbon-based world for Tron-like sterility and Cyberskin orgasms? I don't know; which has better Mexican food?

If you're in San Francisco this weekend, please say hi (you'll know me by my ascot).

Exotic Erotic Ball (exoticeroticball.com)
Real Touch (realtouch.com)
Exotic Erotic Ball (exoticeroticball.com)
Real Touch (realtouch.com)
Exotic Erotic Ball (exoticeroticball.com)
Real Touch (realtouch.com)
Exotic Erotic Ball (exoticeroticball.com)
Real Touch (realtouch.com)
Exotic Erotic Ball (exoticeroticball.com)
Real Touch (realtouch.com)
Exotic Erotic Ball (exoticeroticball.com)
Real Touch (realtouch.com)
Exotic Erotic Ball (exoticeroticball.com)
Real Touch (realtouch.com)
Exotic Erotic Ball (exoticeroticball.com)
Real Touch (realtouch.com)
Exotic Erotic Ball (exoticeroticball.com)
Real Touch (realtouch.com)
Exotic Erotic Ball (exoticeroticball.com)
Real Touch (realtouch.com)
Exotic Erotic Ball (exoticeroticball.com)
Real Touch (realtouch.com)
Exotic Erotic Ball (exoticeroticball.com)
Real Touch (realtouch.com)

An adult industry event in Los Angeles or Las Vegas tends to feel - as much as the porn biz is capable of pulling it off - calculated. Not so the Erotic Exotic Ball, regularly turning the state-owned Cow Palace, which historically has hosted livestock shows and rodeos, into a rollicking, seething fleshpit of opportunity.

Perry Mann's Exotic/Erotic Ball turns 30 this year. If you can imagine what a stadium full of leather, PVC, vinyl, boot, feather, nothing-wearing people looks like on any less-auspicious anniversary, think about what Boschian oddities you might see on October 23 and 24, when porn stars, burlesque dancers, lifestyle fetish devotees (which might as well be the voting populace of the entire Bay Area), and every hot university student and professor make their way to this annual human livestock event.

In addition to the two-day consumer Expo during the days, Ball Night will feature "The Blue Room" which, according to Mann, boasts "mattresses as far as the eye can see."

Past years have featured entertainment by George Clinton, Snoop Dogg, and Thomas Dolby, and this year's "surprise" guests will be booked later this summer. In the meantime, event organizers are pimping (let's be frank) an excellent Hotel/Ground Transportation/Expo package that includes VIP access to the Ball with celeb meet-and-greets for $669.

30th Annual Exotic Erotic Ball (exoticeroticball.com)
30th Annual Exotic Erotic Ball (exoticeroticball.com)
30th Annual Exotic Erotic Ball (exoticeroticball.com)
30th Annual Exotic Erotic Ball (exoticeroticball.com)
30th Annual Exotic Erotic Ball (exoticeroticball.com)
30th Annual Exotic Erotic Ball (exoticeroticball.com)

Large pictures: the delicious NoName Jane (formerly Violet Blue) gets painted and crucified.

· 30th Annual Exotic Erotic Ball (exoticeroticball.com)

Join us as we make sense of what jealousy is, how it impacts our lives, and how we can gain the upper hand. Whether you're experiencing jealousy on a regular basis, in love with someone who does, or just afraid that jealousy might rear it's ugly head, these two calls promise to give you a wealth of information!

Since jealousy is as old as human relationships, Mihalko's "Day of Jealousy" on Tuesday, June 9, will be conducted using the historical curiosity the telephones. Yes, you will have three chances during the day (with three different panels) to call in and benefit from the sage advice of professional polyamorists, cuddlers, bottoms, tops, switches, bitches, and imps.

Mihalko notes that reservations must be made for the conference call and that donations are appreciated. The calls will also be recorded for later broadcast, just in case Tuesday finds you busy Facebook-stalking your ex.

But you should tune in if you can; to talk with Nina Hartley is to be assured that everything is going to be just fine provided one's heart (and parts) are in the right place, which is usually up where everyone can see them.

· Nina Hartley (nina.com)
· Reid's Day of Jealousy (reidaboutsex.com)

Lee enters the year of her Saturn Return today, and not a moment too soon. While fans can still see her in Madison Young videos and on Kink.com, she hasn't been back to Porn Valley (and my zip code) in a long time, preferring to remain a dyke pinup and willing pee surface in the Bay Area than brave the treacherous 405 through Los Angeles.

"I'm ambivalent about the San Fernando Valley," she said, which hurts me personally. But she is also a writer and performance artist, so I suppose she won't be coming down for "The Whore Within Me II."

Lee, who took her nom de porn from a role Marilyn Monroe made famous, should realize that she is shortchanging the world by appearing only in lesbian and urinary fare, because everyone knows that gentlemen prefer blondes.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Lorelei Lee at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Breaking the fourth wall with Lorelei Lee (gramponante.com)
· Buy Lorelei Lee's movies (gamelink.com)

"Everywhere I look in San Francisco I find hot lesbian sex," says Madison Young, our Huell Howser of vagitarian culture. But it is a city of contrasts.

"San Francisco is known as a hotbed of lesbian and gay culture," Young says. But lest you think Journey's City by the Bay is heterogenous, "it's also a city of lust, love, and random sexual encounters that lead to explosive orgasms."

No doubt this tidbit will help San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom in his bid to be California's next governor.

Young's first stop is Dolores Park, known as a "Dyke Park" and a perfect spot to show off one's monkey bar skills and read Rilke (probably ironically, dead white male and all, but he gets a pass because of the "Maria").

A helpful travelogue for tourists more interested in a Lombard Street of the Heart, "Lesbian Life" weaves its way through lesbian garages, coffee shops, and tattoo parlors, often connecting each scene with a character from the previous one.

And if residents sometimes complain of that 49-sq. mile thumb of land feeling claustrophobic, they can get some consolation they share the foggy peninsula with old friends like Lorelei Lee, Shawn and Jiz Lee from the Crash Pad, and Dylan Ryan from the Strap-on Motel.

Sadly, Young only appears as the narratrix, not as a perfomer. But have no fear: In addition to the hot lesbian sex going on everywhere in San Francisco, each resident seems to be reading Young's cover story in Spread.

· Madison Young (madisonbound.com)
· Buy "Lesbian Life: Real Sex San Francisco" (lezlovevideo.com)

We begin with a return to last weekend's San Francisco Fetish Ball, where we couldn't tell what hurt more — those restraints or that electrical tape. See more snaps after the gap.

Author and firebrand Susie Bright is even more attractive when she's being coy. Here she is at a recent reading of her "The Best of Best American Erotica 2008" in Los Angeles.

The Battle of the Plus-sized Temptresses broke out in Burbank as Bettie Rage confronted Cleopatra of the Nile with stealing her mans.

"No one tries to steal my mans," Rage did not say.

Joey and Evanka Buttafuoco smile for the camera in Hollywood following the release of their sex tape. "We only found out that room had a camera in it later," Joey told me with a straight face.

And here's the lovely Amy Fisher, who mailed this picture from the set of a Howard Stern Show appearance that she would end up leaving prematurely. "Let's talk about 2008," she said.

Pursuant to your 'load dropping'...Blue-eyed and silver-tongued devil (he's a lawyer as well as a porn dude) Don Hollywood shares some pointers with whippersnapper Nick Manning.

Finally, the delightful Rose girls, Ava and Mia, get in some family reading time at Ava's place. Mia has returned to performing after a brief hiatus and Ava looks even sweeter without makeup.

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Previously: Popshots Archive

The seventh annual event comprised three days of activities, including a gallery show, a public play party called "Club Enslaved," and the Ball itself, which took place at the massive Regency Grand Ballroom and capped the weekend.

What surprised me was that I didn't see all the same people at each event; the gallery show was a little more subdued, Club Enslaved attracted a crowd more comfortable with public flogging, and the Ball was, well, like Halloween has become everywhere mixed with a feeling that the City Council had mandated everyone celebrate it.

One highlight was Saturday's fashion show, featuring outfits from Syren and Stormy Leather, Madame S. Leather, and Stockroom. While I didn't understand everything that was happening thematically, I was convinced of gas masks' use as erotic items in a way I was dubious of before.

While there is some overlap between the porn world and the fetish community, Porn Valley fetish always seems darker and more menacing than what unfolded in San Francisco, where people actually smiled through the pain.

· San Francisco Fetish Ball (sffetishball.com)

Read more about how Happy is the new Sexy after the gap.

. . .

Einhorn was a fashion photographer and photojournalist for the Philadelphia Inquirer in the 90's, around the time he started working up the courage to ask women to get naked and jump up and down on beds for him.

"I thought, 'I'd rather just shoot these models naked; it'll be so much more fun.'"

When he moved to New York and needed to figure out the city, Einhorn parlayed his natural extrovertedness into a public access cable TV show that featured everything from dog shows to girls in bikinis jumping on trampolines (and this was before "The Man Show").

"I had the need to document my life," he said. "And infatuations became part of it."

Einhorn began by photographing friends, then developed a series of skills to approach strangers.

"I'd ask about their ethnicity or their clothes," he said. "I always worry about coming off creepy. But I'd race to find common ground, like an ultra-fast psychological revolution."

Einhorn says that most of the women he's photographed have said that being naked in front of a camera was something they've always wanted to do, "they just needed someone to open a door."

The second season of "Naked Happy Girls," now set in San Francisco (the photos of Ashlee, Penny and Chrissy, Ruby, and Sandra were all shot in the Bay Area), finds Einhorn getting the same results as in last season's New York: "Three Nos for every Yes."

So what is the value of a smile, especially when it seems like a lot of nude photography or porn features models that are angry, victimized, depressed, and sullen?

"It must be a fetish that hasn't been named," he said. "Like the 'I can step on you and break your balls' or something fetish."

Do the naked girls ever smile too much?

"Yes," he said, "and sometimes when I ask them to ratchet down the smile, the pendulum shifts the other way, and they start to look bitchy. Then I say, 'Go back up again!' I think the smile is the most honest."

· Naked Happy Girls (nakedhappygirls.com)
· Playboy TV (playboytv.com)

Supporters point out that Fremont, hurting for cash to the point that it has limited its court hours, has better things to do than punishing prosties, but sex worker advocate Carol Leigh takes it a step further: "Starchild, like most San Franciscans, would have little cause or desire to go to Fremont," she said. "I don't meant to put down Fremont, especially in light of the city's financial woes, but Fremont?"

· Bay Area Sex Worker Advocacy Network (bayswan.org)

We don't know which hair color Mayhem will be sporting at her shows - maybe it will be both! - so if you go, please let us know.

· Monica Mayhem (monicamayhemxxx.com)
· Crazy Horse (CrazyHorsw-sf.com)
· Monica Mayhem adjusting - just because (gramponante.com)

See what's in the works for this year's event the last weekend of October after the gap.

- - -

Founded by trippy provocateur Perry Mann in 1979 as a fundraising event for his friend Louis Abulafia, the first Exotic Erotic Ball was attended by a few dozen people and didn't drop much cash in Abulafia's Presidential coffers (he was the Nudist candidate). Over the years the event has grown to the point that it requires a rodeo venue to hold the revelers.

This year Snoop Dogg heads the list of entertainers. Also in attendance will be the Spyderz, fronted by Evan Seinfeld whose wife, Tera Patrick, leads the porn star contingent. Sunny Lane, the Other Violet Blue, and numerous other Porn Valley talent will be on hand to deliver a brand new attraction to this year's festivities: porn star hickies.

One of my favorite acts from last year, The Surreal Devil Girls, will be back, and the night will ring with the song stylings of Mini-Kiss.

Mostly, though, the Exotic Erotic Ball and the trade show that precedes it (as well as the party that follows it), is as no-pressure a sexy time as one can get when there's 10,000 other people in the room.

· Exotic Erotic Ball (exoticeroticball.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Exotic Erotic Ball Report 2006, Events Archive

· Erotic Services Providers Union (espu-ca.org)

Read more about the festivities after the gap. - GP

- - -

For those unexposed to the drag king phenomenon, imagine if the members of the Village People were women and inhabited those male stereotypes more convincingly than actual cowboys, construction workers, and leathermen. And that's just a thumbnail.

"We have every kind of drag from suits to fruits; studs to puds," continued Frottage. "Everything from Elvis impersonators to Leather Daddies, Wrestlers, Contortionists, Hillbillies, Clowns, Jocks, and their female counterparts. It's a mind-boggling, dress-to-impress occasion, where part of the fun is just trying tell the performers and audience members apart."

As if the onstage entertainment wasn't enough, Frottage, known as "The Man with the Biggest Balls in Show Business" will be joined by The Indra, a "bi-sexual, bi-polar, half male, half female character" as Master and 1/2 Mistress of Ceremonies.

We think we're pretty pan-sexual around here, but still we gained insight from The Indra's words: "My motto," The Indra said, "If it doesn't look phallic enough, turn it sideways."

The 12th annual San Francisco Drag King Contest will take place Saturday, August 18, at SomArts on Brannan Street. Tickets range from $15 to $35.

· San Francisco Drag King Contest (sfdragkingcontest.com)

Previously: Drag Archive