It remains to be seen what antics the girls get up to (aside from Angelina's infamous blood play, which is featured in the trailer above)...but honestly, we're not going to say no to the chance to see Sadie West as Angelina and Rachel Roxxx as Jennifer Aniston. (Then again, we're not really about to say no to them doing anything, so there is that.)

· Hustler's Untrue Hollywood Stories: Angelina Jolie vs. Jennifer Aniston Parody! (hustlerworld.com)

As the year draws to a close, we've reviewed our reviews from 2009, and scientifically determined just which toys were the best of the best this year. Below, our picks for the tops in toys.

10) The Real Touch: With a few rare exceptions, high end (and high tech) sex toys are almost exclusively targeted at women. The Real Touch is looking to change that. A high tech masturbator that syncs with POV porn, the Real Touch may just change the face of toys for boys. True, it has its problems (most notably, the fact that it won't work if you're not paying per minute for AEBN's porn)—but it's promising enough to give us hope for the future.

9) OhMiBod Freestyle: After years on the scene, the OhMiBod has finally reached its full potential. With the Freestyle's wireless connection, you can finally rock out to your tunes without being tied down to them.

8) Tenth Anniversary Tristan Butt Plug: The Tenth Anniversary Tristan Plug takes a good thing and makes it better (or at least bigger). A beefed up version of the original Tristan plug, the 10th anniversary edition is a must have for any butt aficionado in need of an upgrade.

7) Bolero Straitjacket **BEST LUXURY TOY**: This delightful bondage device combines the efficient immobilization of the straitjacket with the delicious eroticism of being nearly naked. True, it's not cheap—but if you're willing and able to invest in your BDSM toy chest, it's an excellent addition.

6) Imperial: With 11 inches of aircraft quality spun aluminum, the Imperial is bound to please any and all size queens—especially the ones who enjoy toys with the ability to pleasure and violently disfigure.

5) Bloomy: A wonderful dildo for the girls, and a p-spot stimulating butt plug for the boys—Bloomy's a toy that everyone can enjoy! (Just, uh, remember to sterilize it before sharing.)

4) Finger Tingles **BEST BUY**: Since the day we first discovered sex, we've wondered whether there could ever be away to improve on the erotic abilities of the simple little finger. The answer, friends, is yes: with the help of the Finger Tingles, your mild-mannered digit becomes a super finger.

3) Contour Q **BEST DISCREET TOY**: Don't be fooled by Contour Q's innocent appearance: these bumpy little massage stones know their way around a woman's body. And we do mean all parts of the body.

2) Sqweel: With the Sqweel, Love Honey set out to create a toy that replicates the sensation of oral sex. While they may not have quite achieved that goal, they did create a wholly unique toy that stimulates in a very unusual (and very pleasing) way.

1) Form 2: Small, sleek, and super-powered: the rabbit-inspired Form 2 has two silicone ears that are all revved up and ready to rock. And just like a real rabbit, this thing won't quit until long after you're satisifed.

Worst Toy of 2009: The Blowguard: Sure, it'll enable you to give a decent blowjob with absolutely no effort...at the cost of your dignity, your comfort, and your ability to control your drooling.

Last year, we were presented with the very praiseworthy SaSi from Je Joue, which turned the idea of what a sex toy can do completely on its head: instead of vibrating or penetrating, the SaSi's primary stimulation comes from moving pressure created by a small nub on the toy's underside. Now LoveHoney has their own innovative toy: meet the Sqweel, a rotating wheel of ten pink rubber tongues.

The idea behind the Sqweel is relatively simple: as the wheel rotates, the pink tongues flick against the clitoris (or nipple, or penis, or labia, or...you get the idea) one after the other after the other (and so on). The idea is to simulate oral sex—though I have to say, most of my partners have had an oral repertoire that was more extensive than simple tongue flinging.

That's not to say that the Sqweel isn't awesome; because, well, it feels pretty darn great. The soft tongues create a very nice feeling, and were easily able to get me off—obviously, the most important test in any sex toy.

However, the Sqweel can be a rather temperamental toy. For optimal results, it must be held just so: when I attempted it press it into my parts to increase the stimulation, I found that the tongues completely stopped spinning—likewise my attempts to clutch the toy between my thighs for hands free fun (I eventually got this to work, but it took some strategizing). But don't be discouraged by any initial struggles: when you do get it work just so, the resulting feeling is well worth the effort.

One criticism, though: despite LoveHoney's claims, I would not classify this toy as "easy to clean," purely on the basis that in order to clean the toy, you must first disassemble it. Sure, the disassembly is a mere two steps—but that's a whole lot more work than it takes to just rinse off any of my other toys.

Of course, none of my other toys house a wheel of ten divine, spinning tongues—so I guess it's just a trade off I'll have to live with.

· Buy the LoveHoney Sqweel (lovehoney.co.uk)

Despite all the hubbub about erect penises and such, Filament is not your standard smut rag. Rather than being packed to the gills with naughty pictorials (and a few "articles" to balance things out), Filament is more a thought-provoking read with a few hot picture spreads nestled in between. Covering topics ranging from capoeira and the science of cerebral palsy to pegging and erotica covers, Filament feels a bit like a glossier version of Bitch plus some penises—or maybe a more broad-based Nerve magazine with way more pictures of naked men. Whatever you want to call it, we like it (and we'll like it even more if they make the erections more plentiful!).

Model: Marcus Thomas
Photo by David Davis
Filament Magazine (filamentmagazine.com)
Model: Marcus Thomas
Photo by David Davis
Filament Magazine (filamentmagazine.com)
Photo by Britt Marie Trensmar
Filament Magazine (filamentmagazine.com)
Photo by Britt Marie Trensmar
Filament Magazine (filamentmagazine.com)
Model: Emmy Jackson
Photo by Lex Machina
Filament Magazine (filamentmagazine.com)

Armed with only a single spoon, four bottles of lube (in Dulce de Leche, Chocolate Orange, Mojito Peppermint, and Pomegranate Vanilla), and a video camera, we took a chance and taste tested the lubes. Our findings in the video at left.

· Buy Babelicious Lube (babeland.com)

· "Mommy XXX" (crackle.com)
· Demi Delia - The Official Website (mommy-xxx.com)

. . .

· Paris BFF Corrie's Softcore Past (tmz.com)

Kid Rock: We're pretty sure there was only one reason why the Kid Rock/Scott Stapp sex tape was ever released: to prove (to someone, we don't know who) that these two a) have (or at least had) groupies and b) have received oral sex. We're pretty sure we didn't need to know either of those things — but hey, that's the world of celeb sex tapes for you.

Joanie "Chyna" Laurer: Female pro-wrestlers don't get nearly enough attention in the press—though we're not really sure that the kind of attention that Chyna's sex tape generated was really appreciated by her fellow female wrestlers (can you say "inch-long and thick-as-a-pinkie clitoris with a corona resembling the head of a penis"?).

Amy Fisher: Given that Amy Fisher's biggest claim to fame was shooting someone in the face, it is, perhaps, a little odd that she followed that up with her very own sex tape. Then again, Amy's criminal career was spawned by an affair she had with the much older Buttafuoco. When she was a teenager. And seriously, how hot does "Long Island Lolita: Caught On Tape" sound? (Related, but vastly less hot: the Joey Buttafuoco sex tape.)

Verne Troyer: Next up in our list of unlikely pornstars is Verne Troyer (better known as "Mini-Me."). Though Troyer didn't take too kindly to his time in the spotlight, we feel the release of his sex tape was actually a bit of a public service. Firstly, it taught us all that, no matter how different you may look, there's always someone out there who'll be willing to love you (and commit it to tape!). Secondly, it gave us all a very, very detailed lesson in how not to kiss.

Gene Simmons: And speaking of KISSing (ha!): you can't spell sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll without sex. And no one knows that better than KISS front man Gene Simmons, whose all too brief career in adult entertainment we were more than happy to analyze.

Dustin Diamond: If you'd told us, as kids, that Screech of "Saved by the Bell" fame would one day be the star of his very own sex tape, we probably would have run screaming from the room (well, after having you explain what, exactly, a "sex tape" was). That reaction wouldn't have been so far off: Dustin Diamond's last ditch effort to reclaim the spotlight was pathetic at best—but at the same time, isn't the whole pathetic grasp at fame thing the whole point of a self-released sex tape? (Oh, and also: Dirty Sanchez.)

Jenna Lewis: Screech wasn't the first "celebrity" to cash in on a "stolen" sex tape: that honor goes to Jenna Lewis, better known as Jenna from "Survivor," who raked in over $70,000 (and extended her fifteen minutes of fame) with her very own sex tape.

Kim Kardashian: And then, of course, there was Kim Kardashian's romp with R&B star Ray J. We never really figured out why Kim was supposed to be a celebrity, but at least she managed to make it with someone with at least a little bit of cred. And, for that matter, Kardashian managed to rake in a decent amount of money, too (much as she denied that she had had any part in the tape's public launch).

Colin Farrell and Nicole Narain: Given that Colin Farrell and former Playboy Playmate are two people we'd actually want to see get it on (as opposed to, well, many of the people who made this list), we were largely convinced that their rumored sex tape had to be a hoax. Yet somehow, it wasn't! See, sometimes the powers that be really do listen to our prayers.

Paris Hilton: Paris's tape hits the top of our list not so much for its quality (it's shot in night vision, for one thing, and Paris was never much of performer) but instead for its cultural significance. Before her flirtation with amateur porn, Paris was just a D-list party girl and hotel chain heiress; post-"One Night in Paris," she was a full-fledged C-list celebutante with her very own reality show. Using a sex tape to eke out a modicum of fame and launch oneself into the spotlight? Brilliant. (Oh, and there's also the matter of Paris's sexploits hitting the newswires the same day that Fleshbot launched—five years ago today! So maybe we're a little sentimental? It happens.)

Bonus Scandal! Dita Von Teese: Lovely Dita didn't so much make a "sex tape" as star in some arty lesbian fetish porn—but hey, the video was hot enough (and the scandal hyped up enough), that we had to include it somewhere. It also wins points for generating one of the best headlines ever seen: "Dita Von Teese had sex with a shoe." She sure did.

· "Ciara Poses Nude For Vibe" and "Ciara Was Nude In Photo Shoot, Vibe Editor Insists" (mtv.com)

. . .

· Agent Provocateur (agentprovocateur.com)

There were four parts to my kit: a Babeland massage candle (to get things warmed up nice and naturally), a bottle of Emerita OH Warming Lubricant (to keep the heat going), Mamba condoms (to keep you from getting, uh ... you know), and, best of all, a Laya Spot vibrator (for when you need a little extra kick). All products in the kit (with the obvious exception of the Laya Spot) are all-natural, with no animal testing or animal-derived ingredients.

I started off my evening with the massage candle, lighting it with the Babeland-branded matches that came with the kit. (A nice touch, I must say.) As the scented soy wax heats up and melts, it transforms into a warm massage oil. Though the oil felt nice at first, it quickly became sticky, leaving a less than sexy residue on my skin.

Next I checked out the lube. As a girl with a bit of experience in the fine arts of handjobbery and butt fuckery, I consider myself something of a lube snob: too often, artificial lubes are too thin, dry out too fast, or just taste really bad (an important consideration if you happen to switch to some oral action after you've lubed up your partner's privates). Surprisingly, Emerita was none of these things. It had a pleasing thickness, lasted quite a while, and tasted pretty good (at least by lube standards). Though I was hesitant about the advertised warming action—apparently generated by cinnamon bark—it turned out to be surprisingly pleasant, if a bit shortlived. During sex, the warming action fizzled out pretty quickly; though it was certainly nice while it lasted. [Note: Though my Eco-Sexy kit came with the OH lube, Babeland's website advertises the kit as coming with Emerita Natural Lubricant, so you might end up with a slightly different configuration.]

As for the Mamba condoms, it's nice to know that the non-profit that produces them is "15 times more stringent" about their testing than any other condom company in the world, they were, well, condoms. The latex was non-irritating, they didn't break, and really, that's all there is to say about them.

Finally, the clear crown jewel of the kit: the Laya Spot vibe. Small yet sensuous, the Laya Spot conforms to your curves while fitting into the palm of your hand. The easily accessible controls, which fall right under your fingers when your hand rests on the vibe, allow you to guide your body through six levels of vibration, as well as three distinct pulse patterns. For something so small, the Laya Spot rocks quite hard—I had no idea two AAA batteries could produce so much power.

A note to the phthalatephobic: the Laya Spot is made of elastomer, a soft, hypoallergenic material that's phthalate-free, and an excellent alternative to jelly rubber. However, it's important to remember that elastomer is slightly porous and cannot be disinfected so, nice as this toy is, it shouldn't be shared with any friends (no matter what they told you in kindergarten about sharing.) The Laya Spot is waterproof and can be cleaned with soap and water.

Overall, I was pleased with the kit. The products are high quality and complement each other nicely. Whether you're looking to spice up your next Earth Day or just make your love life a bit more organic, the Eco-Sexy kit is a great way to green your bedroom.

· Buy the Eco-Sexy Kit (babeland.com)

Though it looks a bit odd—phrases like "sea monster penis" and "Gonzo's dick" come to mind—an initial test drive showed that the Curve is definitely built for pleasure. Its bumps and lumps hit all the right spots, and the curved handle (get it?) makes it easy to rock back and forth, allowing you to find just the right angle for maximum enjoyment.

I realize that there may be unbelievers out there—those among you who cannot possibly imagine a dildo that could ever match the experience of your favorite vibrator. To you I say: I was like you once. Then I spent time with the Curve and about eight hours (and countless orgasms) later, I was finally able to pry it out of my hands and get back to work.

Yes. It's that good.

There is one down side to the Curve's design—what works well for solo play can lead to awkwardness in the hands of a partner. Though the handle makes playing alone ever so easy, its angle is a bit too sharp to be comfortably maneuvered by another person.

Other details to note: the Curve is made of silicone, which means it can be easily washed with soap and water, and—if you're good about cleaning—can be used as both a vaginal and anal toy (or shared with a trusted partner). For the best experience, we recommend using lubricant. The toy comes with a sample pack of Fun Factory Toy Fluid lube, but any water-based lubricant will do the job just fine. (Remember to avoid silicone-based lubricants, however, as these will destroy the toy and make you cry tears of salty regret.)

· Buy The Curve (babeland.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Martial Aid Test Kitchen Archive

Thus it was odd when I joined a party for little sister site Jezebel's commenters in L.A. (I supplied the door prize porn). I had one thing on my mind: Find out why we've got, like, eight commenters on Fleshbot while all other Gawker Media blogs have thousands.

First, who would have thought to have a party for commenters? Well, delightful pixie Molly McAleer, girl videographer of Defamer, that's who.

"So many people comment on the site that I thought I'd put together a Jezebel party," she said. "Can you bring porn?"

"Yes," I said, "but your commenters identify themselves to each other and aren't content to just read the site?"

"No, they feel compelled to add their opinion and build community," she didn't actually say, but might have.

At the party, which was attended by about 20 Jezebel commenters of varied ages and genders, from students to married couples to a nascent epidemiologist to someone who said Dario Argento's most recent film made her sad, I asked people - all Fleshbot readers, too - why they never commented on our compelling and turgidifying fare.

Here are the top three reasons:

· "I can't look at cocks at work."

· "I don't want someone clicking my username on (apparently wholesome site) Defamer and tracing it to Fleshbot."

· "What more can I say about dirtpipe milkshakes?"

So there you have it: repression, shame, and ignorance. We're better than this, Fleshbot readers. For some reason, comments say as much about a site as Alexa ratings. So take your work laptop into the bathroom with you and look at cocks there, and comment on those cocks, and learn about all the wonderful places they go, and comment on that, too.

And then maybe Fleshbot commenters can get a party someday.

* * * * *

Previously: Fleshbot Comments: Stalking Made Easy

· Sex Project (sex-project.com)

so i just started having sex a week or so ago, and i'm still trying to figure out the mechanics of it. maybe i'm just overly nervous, but i'm really wondering what the role of a woman in sex should be. if i'm on the bottom, what should i be doing? should i be thrusting, moving, or what? i don't even know. also, i'm really not even sure what i should be doing on top. it seems like it should be self explanatory, but i'm having a little trouble figuring this all out. thanks.

- - -

· OpenUp: The PuckerUp Forums (puckerup.com)

Girls, do you feel that if you let a guy have your ass you should have his as well with a strapon or a dildo (at least once), or is it ok if it just isn't his thing?

Guys, do you feel obliged to let your girl have a go at your ass (at least once) if she lets you have hers?

- - -

· Dategirl (seattleweekly.com)

my boyfriend and I have a very satisfying sex life. However, I want to throw him a curveball he won't forget anytime soon. I'm just not sure how.

- - -

· Miss Information (nerve.com)

I'm not very sexually experienced. I've only slept with one person ... He bought me a vibrator right before we broke up ... This is going to sound stupid, but I can't figure out how to get it in and make it stay there. Every time I try, my pussy just kind of pushes it out. What the fuck? Am I too loose?

- - -

· Savage Love (thestranger.com)

You've talked about guys masturbating with too firm a grip and doing damage. I'm 21, male, in good shape, and have been jerking off with a death grip since I was 10. Lately my cock has been failing me. I have trouble staying hard, especially when wearing a condom. I've heard that the death grip can decrease sensitivity and make it harder to come, but can it lead to impotence? Is this physical or am I just psyching myself out?

- - -

· Dr. Joyce Brothers (seattlepi.nwsource.com)

My girlfriend's trying to get her husband to buy a new couch and chair for their living room, and he's complaining about the price ... We haven't gone into details, but I gather he likes certain sex things, she doesn't, but if she gives it to him she'll get her couch, and she knows it. Is this right?

- - -

· Love Bites (eyeweekly.com)

I would like to find a job in my field at a company that is geared toward my personal interests: sexuality and BDSM. I have a hard time finding work because normally sex-related companies are small-scale and don't need someone for things such as quality control, forecasting, logistics, project management and analyzing. I'm wondering if you can suggest some positions (not the sexual kind!) in the sex industry that might suit me.

- - -

· Jersey Girls (providencedailydose.com)

Why is it that some girls with wretched smelling vaginas refuse to acknowledge the fact that they have wretched smelling vaginas? I mean, they have to know unless they are totally smell-deaf to it.

- - -

· Get Naked (timeout.com)

Whenever I'm driving alone on a highway (which lately has been a lot, because my girlfriend lives out of state), I always end up with a huge hard-on, and then I can't resist the urge to whip it out and just let it hang out there ... Most of the time, no one notices, but when it does get someone's attention it's inevitably a male truck driver, and when that happens I get so aroused that I have to pull over and jack off. So there you go. What's up with that?

- - -

· Bonus Video Queston! The Condom Wrapper : Dear Prudence (slate.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Best of Sex Advice Archive

Linh was already well-known in her country for playing a virginal school girl on television, but now her show is canceled and experts say the public may never forgive her for her transgression. (The dude who taped it and let his friends watch is totally off the hook, of course.) We'd suggest that she find a similarly privileged, but airheaded friend to travel around the country with in order to cash in on the sensation, but if "The Simple Life 3" is the price we have to pay for a sexually liberated society, maybe a tiny bit of puritanism wouldn't be such a bad thing.

· Hoang Thuy Linh Sex Tape (shufuni.com, via poonholics.com)
· Vietnam Is Having Paris Hilton Moment (ap.google.com)

- - -

· Talk Sex with Sue Johanson (talksexwithsue.com)

My vagina gets so wet and seems so big, that I can not feel my boyfriend inside of me sometimes ... Its like his penis is literally swimming in my vagina. And its not because he has a small penis. My boyfriend is very well endowed with length and width, were talking 10 -11 inches, and I still seem to swallow him. Why??

- - -

· OpenUp: The PuckerUp Forums (puckerup.com)

I recently had a toy fall apart on me (not in me WINK) ... Am I expecting too much out the poor dildo or are they like tooth brushes- where you should plan on replacing it regularly.

- - -

· Savage Love (thestranger.com)

I'm a straight, 22-year-old female. When I'm going down on my boyfriend, he demands that I pick his nose and feed his boogers to him. My boyfriend says this is no big deal; he says it's actually a very popular practice.

- - -

· Ask Xandria (xandria.com)

I am 5.5" in length. I suggested that we get an 8" realistic dildo. She feels that most of them are too large. What is too large? Is there any size that most women can not accept? ... How would you suggest I convince her to get a larger than me dildo?

- - -

· Dr. Dick's Sex Advice (drdicksexadvice.com)

I was wondering how do I make my scrotum more looser? I like to jack-off with them loose for some odd reason.

- - -

· Bedroom Advice (askmen.com)

My wife suffers from extreme insomnia after we have sex. She usually cannot fall asleep for four to six hours. The situation does not change with or without her having an orgasm. Except that sometimes after an orgasm she sleeps for 30 minutes and then is awake for six hours. Any suggestions?

- - -

· Sex Project (sex-project.com)

Me and my girlfriend are afraid that if she gives me blowjobs let's say every other day or so, that i'll become immune to it? Is that true?

- - -

· Sex Doctor (sundaymirror.co.uk)

I have a teenage son and when tidying his room found his hidden pile of girlie magazines. I flicked through a few pages and to my surprise found myself getting very turned on.

- - -

· In & Out (timeout.com/chicago)

What do you suggest for a good quickie?

- - -

· Get Naked (timeout.com)

I think you are terrible at your job. I frequently find your advice to be judgmental, sex-negative, rooted in gender stereotypes, ignorant of the scope of relational practices in our culture and abhorrently narrow-minded... How did you get into this line of work and score a high-profile sex-advice column?

* * * * *

Previously: Best of Sex Advice Archive

Upon opening the package, the first thing we noticed was the size. Hello Kitty is big. Maybe not in vibrator terms (she's certainly no Hitachi Magic Wand), but certainly big for a "keychain."

We switched her on using the little button on the back of her head—a nice touch, and way easier than having to turn the base, as so many similar toys require. And that's when we got another surprise: this is one powerful kitty. Way more powerful than her older sister, the shoulder massager. Who knew keychains had such powerful motors?

When put to the test, Hello Kitty proved herself to be a nice new edition to our toy chest. Though we weren't too keen on using her for vaginal play—she's a little too awkwardly shaped to be inserted comfortably—she proved to be an all-star when it came to clitoral stimulation.

The one down side? Having Hello Kitty's pleading eyes staring up at you as you pleasure yourself with her. On more than one occasion, we had to turn her around in order to get off guilt free.

· New Hello Kitty Vibrator (jlist.cm; individual colors also available)

* * * * *

Previously: The Hello Kitty Vibrator Reborn, Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive

We don't want to rehash the whole "stupid sluts/empowered women" debate here—you can read it yourself and make up your own mind, but we do take issue with one particular comment. She writes:

"No one - at the risk of looking oldfashioned and stuffy - is willing to stand up and question current behaviour.

Really? No one? Because from where we sit there's pretty much an entire industry devoted to doing just that. Hardly a day goes by that we don't stumble across someone who is wringing their hands over what MySpace, Girls Gone Wild, and beer commercials are doing to our youth. They may or may not have point, but if you can't hear them making it then you clearly aren't listening.

· "Women blame lads' mags for sexual exploitation - yet are they are just as guilty?" (dailymail.co.uk)
· Related: "Feeling Sexually-Objectified? It Could Be Your Own Damn Fault" (Jezebel)

- - -

· Boobie Chew (YouTube, via yesbutnobutyes.com)

* * * * *

Previously: YouTube Watch Archives

Yes, the pictures in their online catalog—and in this more glamorous and artsy photo shoot—have not been altered after the fact, so you can see the clothes and the girls just as they are, right down to the freckles. Seems like a bizarre way to sell anything these days, but it's refreshing to know that those impossible standards aren't quite as impossible as you think.

· Lille Boutique + Slideshow (lilleboutique.com, via shakewellbeforeuse.com)

Previously: Sloggi Thong Billboards: Create Your Own Controversy!, The Fine Art Of Lace Thongs, Bravissimo: Big Bras For Big Boobs, Ravijour Lingerie, Victoria's Secret Holiday Fashion Show