Kid Rock: We're pretty sure there was only one reason why the Kid Rock/Scott Stapp sex tape was ever released: to prove (to someone, we don't know who) that these two a) have (or at least had) groupies and b) have received oral sex. We're pretty sure we didn't need to know either of those things — but hey, that's the world of celeb sex tapes for you.

Joanie "Chyna" Laurer: Female pro-wrestlers don't get nearly enough attention in the press—though we're not really sure that the kind of attention that Chyna's sex tape generated was really appreciated by her fellow female wrestlers (can you say "inch-long and thick-as-a-pinkie clitoris with a corona resembling the head of a penis"?).

Amy Fisher: Given that Amy Fisher's biggest claim to fame was shooting someone in the face, it is, perhaps, a little odd that she followed that up with her very own sex tape. Then again, Amy's criminal career was spawned by an affair she had with the much older Buttafuoco. When she was a teenager. And seriously, how hot does "Long Island Lolita: Caught On Tape" sound? (Related, but vastly less hot: the Joey Buttafuoco sex tape.)

Verne Troyer: Next up in our list of unlikely pornstars is Verne Troyer (better known as "Mini-Me."). Though Troyer didn't take too kindly to his time in the spotlight, we feel the release of his sex tape was actually a bit of a public service. Firstly, it taught us all that, no matter how different you may look, there's always someone out there who'll be willing to love you (and commit it to tape!). Secondly, it gave us all a very, very detailed lesson in how not to kiss.

Gene Simmons: And speaking of KISSing (ha!): you can't spell sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll without sex. And no one knows that better than KISS front man Gene Simmons, whose all too brief career in adult entertainment we were more than happy to analyze.

Dustin Diamond: If you'd told us, as kids, that Screech of "Saved by the Bell" fame would one day be the star of his very own sex tape, we probably would have run screaming from the room (well, after having you explain what, exactly, a "sex tape" was). That reaction wouldn't have been so far off: Dustin Diamond's last ditch effort to reclaim the spotlight was pathetic at best—but at the same time, isn't the whole pathetic grasp at fame thing the whole point of a self-released sex tape? (Oh, and also: Dirty Sanchez.)

Jenna Lewis: Screech wasn't the first "celebrity" to cash in on a "stolen" sex tape: that honor goes to Jenna Lewis, better known as Jenna from "Survivor," who raked in over $70,000 (and extended her fifteen minutes of fame) with her very own sex tape.

Kim Kardashian: And then, of course, there was Kim Kardashian's romp with R&B star Ray J. We never really figured out why Kim was supposed to be a celebrity, but at least she managed to make it with someone with at least a little bit of cred. And, for that matter, Kardashian managed to rake in a decent amount of money, too (much as she denied that she had had any part in the tape's public launch).

Colin Farrell and Nicole Narain: Given that Colin Farrell and former Playboy Playmate are two people we'd actually want to see get it on (as opposed to, well, many of the people who made this list), we were largely convinced that their rumored sex tape had to be a hoax. Yet somehow, it wasn't! See, sometimes the powers that be really do listen to our prayers.

Paris Hilton: Paris's tape hits the top of our list not so much for its quality (it's shot in night vision, for one thing, and Paris was never much of performer) but instead for its cultural significance. Before her flirtation with amateur porn, Paris was just a D-list party girl and hotel chain heiress; post-"One Night in Paris," she was a full-fledged C-list celebutante with her very own reality show. Using a sex tape to eke out a modicum of fame and launch oneself into the spotlight? Brilliant. (Oh, and there's also the matter of Paris's sexploits hitting the newswires the same day that Fleshbot launched—five years ago today! So maybe we're a little sentimental? It happens.)

Bonus Scandal! Dita Von Teese: Lovely Dita didn't so much make a "sex tape" as star in some arty lesbian fetish porn—but hey, the video was hot enough (and the scandal hyped up enough), that we had to include it somewhere. It also wins points for generating one of the best headlines ever seen: "Dita Von Teese had sex with a shoe." She sure did.

The enthusiastic press release also promises that Gene's "entirely new take" on the subject (we're guessing he's for it?) will "spark debate, though we're not sure how that's possible: once the Demon speaks, the debate is over! Read on to learn how you can win a special message from Gene, but what you won't learn is the answer to our most pressing question about sex work. When you're hooking up with a lady of the night yourself, do you leave your pants on or take them off? Hopefully, the answer is in the book somewhere too.

. . .

Phoenix Books and Gene Sim mons, the New York Times best-selling author, reality TV star, and KISS front man, present an entertaining mix of narrative history and Simmons' own unique philosophy about the inception and legacy of prostitution with his enlightening new book, Ladies of the Night, poised to hit bookstores on July 8th, 2008. Beautifully illustrated in lush, velvety binding, Ladies of the Night is an entirely new take on a traditionally taboo topic and promises to spark debate.

In connection with the book's release, Phoenix Books is giving one lucky fan the chance to win a personalized voice mail greeting from Gene Sim mons himself! Contestants are asked to go to www.geneSimmons.com and reply to the following:

LADIES OF THE NIGHT—The Oldest Profession in the World: Good or bad? Tell us. And, tell us why.

The essay (200 words or less) and entry form will need to be sent via e-mail to phoenix.books@phoenixnm.com. The contest is open to legal U.S. residents 18 years or older, and the deadline for entering is June 8th, 2008.

Of the entries, Gene Simmons will select ten (10) essays, from which he will pick one (1) grand prize winner and two (2) runners up. The grand prize winner will receive a digital WAV file recording to use as his/her outgoing voice mail message. All runners up will win an autographed book from Gene and a selection of amazing Gene Sim mons/A&E Gene Sim mons' Family Jewels swag.

On May 6th, 2008, the making of Ladies of the Night was featured on A&E's Gene Simmons' Family Jewels, where the legendary rock star and his unconventional family are back and better than ever for season 3 of the hit reality series.

The episode can be seen at the following:

Part 1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ro3fmleNPtg
Part 2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikWs0wr5y1o
Part 3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3p3gn6AKOM

A little digging reveals that the mysterious Ms. Koval — if that is indeed, the woman in the video — is no stranger to internet nudity: she appears to have done some modeling in the past. (Mostly softcore topless shots, but we all have to start somewhere.) But is she also "Elsa", the Frank's Energy Drink spokesmodel from Austria mentioned on GenesSecret.com? Or is she actually Dutch, like this model directory claims? Or is she none of the above? What is truth, really ... and will we ever know all the answers? (And here you thought we were just trying to get more mileage out of a breaking celebrity sex scandal. Surely you know our motives are more noble than that.)

· "Gene Simmons lawyer confirms sex tape's authenticity" (Valleywag)
· Traci-Anna Koval (hollywoodboobs.com)
· Traci-Anna Koval, American
· Elsa - Frank's Energy Drink (franksenergy.com)
See also:
· "Gene Simmons' secret" (eyeweekly.com)
· "Rock Icon Gene Simmons Stars in Sex Tape?" (xbiz.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Calling Dr. Love (To Please Euthanize Us): The "Gene Simmons Sex Tape", Gene Simmons Addresses The "Incident"

Judging by the reactions of some of our commenters and other bloggers, the real question is not if "The Demon" had a hand in this — or even whether it's really him — but why its execution is so, um ... uninspired. After all, what would it say about the failed Celebrity Apprentice's marketing skills that he would participate in a videotaped sexual liaison and not once employ his trademark gargantuan tongue? (Maybe that's why he ended up failing.) Hard Luck Woman, indeed.

Meanwhile, others are wondering about the mysterious yodel-loving "Elsa" and her role in all of this: it's obvious that she couldn't possibly have taken part in this endeavor without the promise of considerable financial reward herself, since she's clearly not in it for the romance. And then there are those who think the costar of the video is a Gene Simmons lookalike and that the whole thing is just a ruse to discredit his famously overblown persona. (Just ask NPR's Terry Gross about that.)

Even if the God of Thunder didn't authorize this dastardly money-making scheme himself, he may find a way to cash in on it eventually; hopefully that "offshore site operated in Panama" that's hosting the video has a good team of lawyers on its side. On the other hand, our sentimental side wants to believe in one blogger's interpretation that what we're witnessing is a passion play about two lovers united by cheesy power pop ballads of the '80s ... yet torn apart by fate. Maybe Paul Stanley could write a ballad about it?

· For even closer analysis, see "How Gene Simmons' Sex Tape Is The Fairytale Romance Of Our Time" (Gawker)

* * * * *

Previously: Calling Dr. Love (To Please Euthanize Us): The "Gene Simmons Sex Tape"

· "Alleged Gene Simmons Sex Tape Released" (avn.com)
· "Rock Icon Gene Simmons Stars in Sex Tape?" (xbiz.com)

Update: After the jump, view some clips from the ten minute video: in one, Alleged Gene Simmons puts on a condom before entering his lady friend, who then refuses to kiss him. The reader may draw his or her own conclusions as to what that all means.

. . .

See also:
· Gene's Secret (genesecret.com)
· Gene Simmons and Terry Gross Interview (NPR transcript @ rof.net)