Asia Carrera was a porn mainstay throughout most of the 90s and early oughts. She was (and is) elegant and sleek yet accessible and engaging, and was recognized as one of the industry's smarties. She was known as a feature performer but was not above some classier gonzos throughout that late VHS/early DVD period.

Carrera is in Hawaii this week with her two tots, and still blogs away on her 90's-era HTML website. She is 36, just a year younger than Lisa Ann, but we get the feeling that the softer, self-admitted "socially phobic" Carrera won't be roaring back to Porn Valley for any MILF movies; she'll just stay on the periphery and acknowledge that we still think of her fondly.

· Asia Carrera's Buttkicking Homepage (asiacarrera.com)
· Asia Carrera on IAFD (IAFD.com)
· Buy Asia Carrera's movies (gamelink.com)

This occurred to us when Britney Spears named her firstborn after the sexual avocado Jayden Jaymes.

Anyway, when Mayes was interviewed for "She Is Half My Age 9," she was asked what her best feature was.

"My personality," she said.

And this was not only unexpected (porn girls are supposed to say "my hot ass," "my tight, tight pussy," or "my mammoth jugs" when asked that question) but probably true of the delightful sprite.

Then, to clarify things, she was asked what her best physical feature was.

"My smile," she said.

And we hope both those things are on display for your birthday weekend, Tanner.

· Tanner Mayes at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy "She Is Half My Age 9" (gamelink.com)
· Buy Tanner Mayes' movies (gamelink.com)

The former Michelle Sinclair started her porn career when she was 19. Raised a Mormon in St. George, Utah, Belladonna went from Latter Day Saint to Evil Angel (with a stop at Nacho Vidal) in a career that has made her one of the adult world's three or four most recognized women.

Now the head of Belladonna Entertainment (with her husband, Aiden), Belladonna is going eclectic with her onscreen partners, essentially fucking who she wants when she wants (which is what we heard about Brigham Young).

Happy 28th birthday, Bella.

· Belladonna (enterbelladonna.com)
· Belladonna at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Mother's Day with Belladonna (gramponante.com)
· Buy Belladonna's movies (gamelink.com)

Kassidy, who took her first name from Kirtsen Dunst's character in "The Virgin Suicides" and her last from a character in "Nash Bridges" (I nodded when she told me that, never having watched "Nash Bridges," but believing everything she said), is a beautiful Southern California native who just made a handful of high-gloss porn movies but thrives in the realm of low-impact blonde Playboy glamor, where it is easier to keep her striking angles intact.

I met her on the set of her debut Vivid movie, "Lux's Life," in 2006. She stared with wonder at the things Missy Monroe was getting up to, being stretched every which way. Later, Monroe took me aside and predicted Kasssidy would be doing anal by the following summer. It never happened. Kassidy remained porn-wholesome, and we hope she is having a wholesome birthday.

· Lux Kassidy at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Fiat Lux Kassidy (gramponante.com)
· Buy Lux Kassidy's movies (gamelink.com)

Westgate has but a handful of adult titles, and about a handful of boobs. Mostly she exists in Playboy and on the Internet, a realm that is foreign to me. And lately she's a brunette. Already so inaccessible, now she takes another baby step away.

Come back to us, Sandee! Give us a present on your birthday!

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Sandee Westgate at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Thrusting in the smoke with Sandee (gramponante.com)
· Buy Sandee Westgate's movies (gamelink.com)

Seka turns 55 today, which seems awfully young for someone who has been such a legend for such a long time – she isn't the girl she was when she hit the screen in 1978, but she is a woman who is just as sexy, in a different way, as that girl ever was.

Some stars age well, and some don't, but Seka is looking pretty damn good. I think if she had never been in porn and tried to make a start in it today, she'd do pretty well. I'd buy her movies.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (iafd.com)
· Seka at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Seka's movies (gamelink.com)

34A-27-36 and 5'1" might be good enough for Sir Mixalot, but we live in a modern world. How can you have an Ass for Days, be an Ass Titan, sport a Billion Dollar Bootie or boast a Massive Ass when your entire body weighs less than any given three feet of a real BBW? Happy 25th birthday and all, but come on!

I think I need to examine this phenomenon much more closely to figure out what kind of ass inflation is going on here.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (iafd.com)
· Kristina Rose at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Kristina Rose's movies (gamelink.com)

You always want to see more of a good thing, and Jenna is a very good thing indeed – beautiful, successful, and sexy. But you know what? For me, what Jenna has left us is enough. Plenty of movies, plenty of sex, plenty of boys and girls – I don't need any more.

I don't want to see her doing anal, I don't need to see the interracial scene, I don't need to see her first BBG interracial double penetration. I want to imagine her at home, happy, laughing with her kids. For her sake and for the sake of the Jenna in my imagination, I never want to hear the words "Jenna" and "comeback" within ten paragraphs of each other.

Happy birthday, Jenna – stay home, have a good time, and keep staying home. We love you.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (iafd.com)
· Jenna Jameson at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Jenna Jameson's movies (gamelink.com)

That might be because she looks pretty much exactly the same as she used to, barring the occasional change in hair color. I don't believe she has aged at all since the first time I saw her, whenever that might have been. IAFD.com says it must have been after 2000, but you couldn't tell by me.

Of course, she is only five feet tall so all her details are much smaller than, for instance, those on Bobbi Starr or Gianna Michaels. Judy turns 27 today, but it could just as easily be 18 or 22.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (iafd.com)
· Judy Star at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Judy Star's movies (gamelink.com)

Just looking at Sharka, I could never imagine her in a fight with GI Joe, by which I mean TV cartoon GI Joe, not real GI Joe with King-Fu Grip, although she is about the same size as a GI Joe with Kung-Fu Grip.

But if someone came busting into the bar where I was drinking peaceably and announced in a tremulous voice that Sharka Blue was riding into town and looking for the local tough guy, I would clear out and let someone else take the time to turn on the Joe-signal, or however it is you get in touch with GI Joe when there's trouble.

Sharka, who turns 28 today, joins Bolivia Samsonite and Krystal Steal in my own personal pantheon of porn stars to whom I would just go ahead and turn over the codes if they invaded my headquarters.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (iafd.com)
· Sharka Blue at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Sharka Blue's movies (gamelink.com)

Unfair and also inaccurate, partly because Missy Monroe didn't even get into porn until 2003, and Missy Monroe is therefore the Missy Monroe of the new millennium, but also because Claudia Downs is delightfully and emphatically her own person and does not have to be the anybody else of the anytime.

Sure, they both have that short blonde haircut that I love so much, and they both have perfect natural tits, and they both weigh exactly the same. But it would be a disservice to Claudia to love her for anything other than her own personal charms, which are considerable. Happy birthday, Claudia!

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (iafd.com)
· Claudia Downs at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Claudia Downs' movies (gamelink.com)

Though she probably wouldn't date Prince (not a hockey player), he captures Faith to a T(yler) when he says, "I never seen such a pretty girl look so tough." As a contract performer for the former Jill Kelly Productions, Faith was glamorous. As a feature dancer - for which she continues to win awards - Faith can surgically remove your twenties with one thigh behind her back (don't ask me how she does it).

But Boston is her home.

Like Aerosmith's late, lamented annual concerts at the Garden, Faith performs regular showcases back in Massachusetts to adoring crowds when she is not easing into MILFier roles here in Porn Valley.

If you see Faith today, invite her to a cookout.

· Tyler Faith at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· What makes boobs real? (gramponante.com)
· Buy Tyler Faith's movies (gamelink.com)

Miss Bunny is light and fluffy, a hoppy, happy pleaser with – duh – bunny ears on one of those hair things that often hold antennae and tiaras. I don't know what they're called. Venus Inferno, though – she's a maneater; she doesn't have bunny ears, that's for sure – she's got a riding crop and a corset and spike heels, maybe a cigarette holder, too.

And Juliette Alexander? She's one of those girls that has an innocuous name but often gets voted "World's Dirtiest Porn Star," like Julie Night or Anne Howe. She's the one who shows up in German porn that you run across by accident when you stray into a New York adult video store looking for a peepshow to check out while you're visiting the family on Thanksgiving vacation.

Isn't it nice to meet Miss Bunny and Venus Inferno and Juliette Alexander all in the same girl? It's like she's everything you could possibly need, all wrapped up in one package. Happy birthday, girls!

(We're so happy, by the way, that we're celebrating all three of your birthdays for 48 hours - ED)

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (iafd.com)
· Miss Bunny at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Miss Bunny's movies (gamelink.com)

And then I go look at actual pictures of Vanessa, and I realize that porn's first Latina superstar really is a caricature – a delightful, sexy, outrageous cartoon of the kind of woman you really, really hope would be waiting for you if you went down to the border and stepped across. Even though she's from New York.

Vanessa turns 57 today, and she is just as lusty and salacious and delicious as she was ten, twenty, thirty years ago – living it up and putting the kids to shame. Happy birthday, Vanessa – thanks for everything!

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (iafd.com)
· Vanessa Del Rio (VanessaDelRio.com)
· Vanessa Del Rio at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Vanessa Del Rio's movies (gamelink.com)

Apparently the rules about these things in Germany are different than they are here, but I think the German rules are better. I don't even know where the pricing schedule would begin for an Annette Schwarz, but I can tell you I would be willing to go quite a way up it to purchase the Annette Schwarz that I have seen in movies and on the web.

I admit that I am not all that familiar with the market for 25-year old girls who can do absolutely anything and still look like someone you would introduce to your mom once you toweled her off, but I am going to do some research right now and see what kind of green this is going to set me back.

I just hope someone hasn't purchased her already…

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Annette Schwarz (annetteschwarz.com)
· Annette's blog (blog.totallyannette.com)
· Annette Schwarz thinks I am oblivious (gramponante.com)
· Annette Schwarz at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Annette Schwarz's movies (gamelink.com)

She shares her birthday with two Byzantine emperors, a king and queen of Naples, Custer's senior captain at the Battle of Little Bighorn, a queen of Yugoslavia, and Ed Begley, Jr. Not to mention…oh, man, would you look at those things? They're so perfect and natural – no kidding. I could just…

Oh. Sorry. I was saying that the, uh, that…oh, that March 25th is also Pecan Day AND International Waffle Day, and, according to some, the day pancakes were invented in 1882. It is also the Feast Day of St. Dismas, Jesus' "Good Thief," although I don't know if pancakes or waffles would be appropriate feast items. I do know that I would totally feast on that ass – it's like a…um, a…a feast of – ass, or something.

Jeez. Sorry. Adrianna turns 28 today. 28 is also, coincidentally, the number of miles I would walk barefoot across hot sand to get to her if she called me up and asked me to come over. She keeps getting better too – next year it will be 29 miles.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Adrianna Nicole at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· I am the world's greatest porn director (gramponante.com)
· Buy Adrianna Nicole's movies (gamelink.com)

Laura, who was born in Litomerice in the Czech Republic, is also known as Lenka Lyons, Yvette Boutillon, Lenka Prasilova, Laura Hon, Lauren Lion, Laura Finn, Laura Lyon, Laura Linn, Lenka Pr., Laura, Lena, Lenka and…(wait for it)…Black Queen. I love it when one of the names is so radically different from the rest as to make you wonder what was going on in that one movie.

It seems to be a particular trait of girls from Hungary and the Czech Republic that they have more aliases than Frank Abagnale Jr.; I wonder if it's something in the water, or if they have just had so many orgasmov – a little priderzhivala plunger is a dangerous thing – that she can't think straight any more.

Well, anyway, happy birthday, Laura, and also to Lenka, Yvette, Lauren, Lena and Your Royal Highness.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (iafd.com)
· Laura Lion at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Laura Lion's movies (gamelink.com)

Her husband Marcos is 5'9" tall, so she doesn't exactly tower over him—unless you're imagining her in a pair of those heels porn stars love to wear, but you shouldn't, because tall girls usually get teased about being tall so they stick to flats and shoes that don't emphasize their height over the men they must date.)

On the other hand, if you put her in a group of other female porn stars—say, for instance, Fleshbot Supreme Commandress Joanna Angel, Aiden Starr, Gauge, and Kitty—just to pick a few completely at random, she would stand out Like Larry Bird in Munchkinland. She could rest her breasts on Mason Storm's head.

Aren't you having fun picturing that? I am.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Faith Leon at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Faith Leon's movies (gamelink.com)

And yet there she is – taunting, beckoning, fresh-faced…it's like she's fresh out of – well, wherever hot teenagers come from these days. She looks so wholesome that it takes a second to register that bathing suit as something a person might not just wear on the street.

How can she be showing up in MILF porn? It seems like she's one of those girls that will never age a second or look like she has acare in the world. Happy birthday, you magical little sprite.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Holly West at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Holly West, Savannah Gold when gas cost $3.60 a gallon (gramponante.com)
· Buy Holly West's movies (gamelink.com)

"Busty." "Stacked." "Bodacious" – the girls with the big boobs get all the love, but look at those delightful little almost-mounds and try – just try – to tell us you wouldn't enjoy them just as much as a bigger pair. You can't do it.

All the words we can think of for a small-chested girl are unflattering, and Kylie – among many others – deserves more. Put some thought into it and make her 24th birthday present a word we can use to tell her how much we like that shape.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Kylie Richards at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Kylie Richards's movies (gamelink.com)