No, we're not completely clear on why the Germans got to include her in their performance (yes, she's got a "Von" in her name, but last we checked, she's American), and we're even less clear on why Dita's appearance didn't result in an automatic win for her team—but we do know that Dita at Eurovision is about the only thing that got us interested in it. (Maybe they should ask her to host next year?)

· [HD] Alex Swings Oscar Sings + Dita von Teese - Miss Kiss Kiss Bang @ Eurovision Song Contest 2009 (youtube.com)
· Dita on Eurovision (sexoteric.com)

Fuck Club

Studio: Harmony Films
Director: Gazzman
Cast: Tori Black, Jandi Lin, Nicki Hunter, Maya Hills, Faye Reagan, Ryder Skye, Tatiana Kush, Kiesha Kane

Review by: Gram Ponante

There is nothing that conveys ancient (and probably Masonic) power than a group of cigar-smoking, brandy-sniftering older dudes in Italian suits with a near-naked young woman in their midst. When a man becomes a member of their "Red Tie Fuck Club," he soon finds that his steep entrance fee offers a great deal of stateside benefits.

The scene with the European fellows was actually filmed in Europe but "Fuck Club" was shot here with American talent. And don't judge a movie by its cover: while Tori Black might look porn-wholesome in her half-shirt and cutoffs, she does wonderful/terrible things by an idyllic Porn Valley waterfall in the movie.

Ditto Jandi Lin, Maya Hills and Nicki Hunter, whose return to porn culminated in this - her first ever - double penetration scene. Hunter, as always, performs like a champ.

Also on hand is Tatiana Kush, who looks like Stoya's jealous little sister. She admirably handles Marco Banderas and Tony Desergio.

This movie borders on a Max Hardcore (but artier) level of clinical perspective, and is a little harder-edged than standard vignette porn. Though everyone involved seems up to the task, I would have liked fewer closeups so I could actually see the whole person more often.

I also would have liked if the concept of the "Fuck Club" hadn't broken down after the very first scene, but who cares? All those DPs at least instill a strong sense of teamwork and camaraderie.

· Harmony Films (harmonyuk.com)
· Upstairs/Downstairs with Tatiana Kush and Nicki Hunter (gramponante.com)
· Buy "Fuck Club" (gamelink.com)

Oh, and in case you slept through the 1980s, here's our preferred version of the song ... although the video lacks a little something....

· Chess - "One night in Bangkok" (YouTube)
· "Vinylshakerz- One Night in Bangkok (Uncensored)" (YouTube, via Blography)

Denise, who won AVN's 2002 Performer of the Year award, returned to the fold at the behest of Stormy Daniels, who directed her in a scene for Wicked's upcoming "Predator 2". (We don't know how they got away with that title, either; maybe Denise did the negotiating with Governor Schwarzenegger.)

"She really knows how to eat 'Puuss-sy,'" Daniels added.

· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)
· Nikita Denise (nikitadenise.com)

· "Drunk Sex Orgy" (Megarotic)
· Drunk Sex Orgy (drunksexorgy.com)

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Previously: Flesh Flicks Archives

· Vogue Italia September 2007 slideshow @ style.it, also seen @ livejournal.com)

Previously: Mike Dowson Dresses Down, Marc Baptiste Is Back In "Vogue", Photography By Steven Lyon

· Private (private.com)
· Buy "Sex City: The Trilogy" (gamelink.com)

Previously: Porn of the Moment Archive

With wellness incentives like these, we might have to get ourselves to Amsterdam for their next event instead of pestering our HMO to address our chronic carpel tunnel issues; if this job is going to make our wrists hurt anyway, we might as well get some sexy bondage nurses to help us take care of them.

· Amsterdam Clinic Weekend 2007 + Clinic 2007 Gallery (erosartist.com)
· Amsterdam Clinic Weekend (clinicweekend.com)
· Fetish and Erotic Wear by Absolute Danny (absolutedanny.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Human Furniture That You Can't Get At IKEA, NYC Cooch Party Report: Freak Out For A Cause, Meet ShinyAline (And Friends): Freaks Inside, Fetish Sphere Encircles You With Smut, Martin Parr: Sex In Amsterdam, Preview: "O: The Power of Submission", Fetish Nation, Submission Sisters

· American "pornstar" Courtney Coventry is questioned in the investigation for some sort of British bribing scandal that we don't really understand. But hey, free trip to London, right? (thesun.co.uk)

· The FBI agent in charge of 2257 inspections says the adult companies aren't doing so hot when it comes to record keeping. Maybe the owners should talk to that Courtney chick. (thesun.co.uk)

· Remember Daniella Cicarelli and her sex on the beach escapade? Turns out she now owes YouTube money because she complained. The lesson? Do not fuck with Google. Ever. (Boing Boing)

· Australia would like you to know that if you speed in your car, it's because you have a small dick. Sorry you had to find out this way. (upi.com)

· So a Polish magazine runs a picture of their President and Prime Minister sucking on the tits of German Chancellor Angela Merkel (on the cover!) and somehow people are upset by that? Those Europeans are so touchy. (yahoo.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· Meet Sarita Stella, yet another Australian model for you to keep an eye on. We might need a scorecard to keep them all straight. (dailypoa.com)

· Could Riga, Latvia, become the next Bangkok? We hear their Thai restaurants aren't that good, actually. (theage.com.au)

· A female bomoh (or shaman) in Malaysia is causing a bit of a stir with her unusual "healing methods." We don't see what the problem is—nude dancing usually works great for our headaches. (thestar.com.my)

· In case you haven't noticed, Americans are a little uptight about nude bodies. Plus, we wrap our cheese in those crazy individual slices. (pittsburghlive.com)

· When even an innocent search for a job turns up "gay sexual things", you know that teh internets cannot be trusted. (kern.org)

· It doesn't get much hotter than trading anal sex for a nice set of vertical blinds. Welcome to married life! (Jezebel)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

Condom makers are notorious for pushing the boundaries of good taste and propriety when it comes to advertising their products, but then again, they only make money when people fuck a lot, so they sort of have no choice. Of course, us silly Americans wouldn't know anything about that since 90% of their commercials (or the good ones, anyway) never make it to our airwaves. We have to rely on viral videos to filter into our inbox years later and only then can we appreciate what it's like to live in a country that isn't afraid of non-babymaking sex. Pointing you towards a few of them is also our way of reminding you to be responsible out there, because we can't always protect you when you leave teh internets—though we will always be ready to pull you back to our warm, safe bosom when you need us.

· Best Condom Ads (yuxt.com)

Previously: Trojan Tales, We Love New York (Condoms), The Pants Whisperer: Penis-Based Marketing, Miss Magnum: Lick It Up!

Everyone knows that sex sells, but it sells even better when what you're selling is, well ... sex. Whether you're a blogger trying to get clicks (ahem) or a European cable company trying to get viewers to turn into your porn channels, you really can't go wrong with naked chicks rubbing on each other and dancing to bouncy pop tracks. Unfortunately, our rabbit ears don't pick up signals from the Benelux countries, but if Prime's "X-Passion" programming is as interesting as these promos we just might consider upgrading to satellite.

· "xpassion, porn, sex, tities, adult, couple,...." (videos @ llx-nozap.blogspot.com, via pussycalor.com)
· Prime Networks - X-Passion (prime.be)

Previously: Breaking: Interactive Beach Cam Is A Cruel Marketing Stunt, Shampoo Ad Archive: People Are Getting Off To This, Right?, Breaking: Skin Shamelessly Used To Sell Skin Care Products, Strip Club Commericals Go For The Hard Sell

We were skimming through videos of the recently-completed Bucharest Eros Show, marveling that the only significant difference between it and its dingy stateside counterparts was the odd choice of music with which attendees chose to accompany their YouTube uploads. Where were the erotic gypsies? Where were the erotic vampires? Why did it look like Sunday afternoon at the L.A. Convention Center? Worse than that, why don't strippers allow you to touch them in Bucharest? Hasn't the fall of Ceaucescu accomplished anything? - GP

· Eros Show Romania (eroshow.ru)
· Eros Show Bukarest (machomedia.hu)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive