This Is A Teen's Brain. This Is A Teen's Brain On Internet Porn.

It's hard out there for today's parents: technology has gone from friend to foe, helping kids grow up too darn fast. If the menace of sexting wasn't bad enough, now internet porn is teaching kids that anal sex is normal! More »

Lunch Lady Revealed To Have Porn Past

When we were in school, we never fantasized about our lunch lady—but then again, our lunch lady was an old, cranky, and not particularly nice woman; and she definitely wasn't a former pornstar. If she was—well, we would have enjoyed that Salisbury steak a whole lot more, that's for sure. For some reason, though, other people don't seem to see it that way. Instead of rejoicing over the fact that Louisa Tuck, a cafeteria aide at D'Ippolito Elementary School, worked for years as Crystal Gunns, parents are actually protesting. Insane! We've pulled a clip from Crystal's porn days, just to give you an idea of her talents. Take a look after the jump—we think you'll agree that this hysteria is just madness. More »

Australia Continues To Fight The Menace Of Internet Porn

Australia's attempt to block all internet porn from entering its borders keeps marching on. In the filter's current incarnation, over 10,000 sites would be blocked, with no way to completely opt out of the filter. So the next time some Aussie pop star sheds her top, no one will know. Well, no one in Australia, at least. (avn.com)

Playboy Models Hit The Slopes, Parents Freak Out

The long-awaited Playboy/Burton snowboard collaboration (also known as Burton Love snowboards) is finally in stores — and, somewhat unsurprisingly, parents are already complaining about them. If you ask us, parents who let their kids snowboard have already done far more damage than the sight of a naked lady ever could — but either way, we're sure the kids will be just fine. Video after the jump. More »

But What About The Grownups?

The Swiss government is working hard to protect children from the evils of pornography... by banning pornography on all mobile devices. Why is a general ban necessary? Why, because if anyone's allowed to get mobile porn, those crafty teenagers will find a way to get their hands on it! Sound logic all around—until, of course, you get that urge to watch "Rim Meine Gähnen" on your mobile. (swissinfo.ch)

We don't understand why everyone in Brooklyn was so concerned about Babeland opening a new store in the notoriously family-friendly neighboorhood of Park Slope. It looks like this kid is having a great time there! (brownstoner.com)

Tera Patrick Is Restricted To Adults (And Aren't You Glad You're An Adult?)

Observant porn surfers may have noticed a little RTA graphic that has been appearing on the landing page of many adult websites over the past several months—including this one. If you haven't figured it out already, it stands for "Restricted to Adults" and it's part of a seld-policing Porn Valley-backed campaign to help keep kids from looking at material they're not supposed to. The program has already attracted the support of stars like Stormy Daniels, and now Tera Patrick and her husband and Evan Seinfeld have made a PSA explaining why dirtpipe milkshakes shouldn't be a part of a kid's balanced breakfast. Check it out after the jump. It's one of the few times we can legitimately ask "But what about the children?" without being snarky about it. More »

A former editor of Nuts magazine grapples with the distinct possibility that he is personally responsible for destroying the minds and polluting the souls of an entire generation of British lads and ladettes. On the other hand, he did get to see Keeley Hazell naked, so it's kind of a tossup. (independent.co.uk)

Savita Bhabhi, Corrupter Of Youth

We thought Savita Bhabhi was just a desperate cartoon Indian housewife looking to get laid. Turns out that she's actually an evil influence who's bent on corrupting the youth of India—"worse than the worst pornographic sites." Oops! Well, we won't make that mistake again. (ciol.com)

We've been meaning to slog through this groundbreaking investigative TV news report on sex and our culture—but frankly, we just can't. We don't need John Stossel's mustache to tells us how we're ruining America—we're well aware of that already. But if you want to be reminded about society's impending doom go right ahead and tune in. Just don't tell him about the cake farts. (abcnews.go.com)

Poor Women Forced To Strip For Gas Money!

Have you heard the big news? Gas is like ... really expensive. It makes things tough for everyone, but it's especially tough for the women of Louisiana who have been forced into pole dancing just put fuel in their tanks, as local Baton Rouge reporter Keitha Nelson breathlessly explains. More »

Why No One Cares That Video Games Have Sex In Them

Some of you may recall that old lawsuit involving the game "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" and the "Hot Coffee" mod that allowed characters in it to have graphic sex. That's disgusting, of course, so some lawyers filed a class-action lawsuit and forced a settlement that would allow any of the millions of innocent, outraged people who bought the game to come forward and receive justice. So just how many of these folks were outraged enough to do so? 2,676. That's it. More »

Some people want over-the-counter "sexual aids" taken off store shelves because somehow having Horny Goat Weed available at the Pick N' Save turns everyone into whores. How come no one ever does anything about the dastardly influence of beef jerky sticks? (caller.com)

The Office of Complete Bullshit Statistics estimates that "ninety percent of children between the ages of 8 and 16 have viewed pornography online," so parents are urged to have "the porn talk" with their children. You know, so the kids can explain it to them. (deseretnews.com)

Stormy Daniels Does It For The Kids (Or Not)

Stormy Daniels descended on Washington, D.C. yesterday to speak at the National Press Club on behalf of the Association of Sites Advocating Child Protection; the AVN Crossover Star of the Year, er, crossed over to deliver the message that kids who want porn can just wait until they're old enough for it, the same way they have to wait to vote or drink or get addicted to prescription drugs. (After all, there are plenty of old folks out there willing to buy her product, so she doesn't need to prey on the young and innocent to earn a buck.) Of course, Stormy commands quite a presence (even in a prim business suit buttoned up the neck), so we feel confident that her message was heard. Now what is she going to do about those gas prices? More »

Texas high school students were recently shocked to discover a picture of a newsstand with "revealing" adult magazines in their German textbook. Hey, how do you say "But what about the children?" in German? (dallasnews.com)

A Connecticut elementary school teacher is out of a job after she and her husband appeared in a "Ugliest Guys, Hottest Wife" contest on the Howard Stern show. (Good thing they won!) Says one concerned parent: "What they do on their own time is their business, but ..." sometimes it's our business? (wfsb.com + howardstern.com, via nerve.com)

But What About The Scrabulous?

Party's over, kids: Facebook has announced that they're cracking down on the porn. Okay, they say it's for "child protection" (of course), but we all know how that story goes. (afp.google.com)

In one of the most convoluted pieces of governmental logic ever, a South Carolina state senator has snuck a 20% tax on porn into the budget in order to save your children! Don't you feel safer already? (wcbd.com)

The good news: Sex toy behemoth Babeland is opening a new retail location in Park Slope, Brooklyn. The bad news: It's on the same block as a Gymboree, which has a few Park Slope parents in an uproar. Guess those hip mamas aren't so hip after all. (nypost.com; thumbnail via the oldie-but-goodie "Sex Toy Or Baby Toy?")

When are sexy robots too hot for TV? Apparently, when they're getting it on with real live people. So much for that Fucking Machines miniseries we were hoping for ... (news.com.au; more on "Obscene Machines" )

We thought everyone loved those New York City condoms as much as we do —until we found out that a group of Orthodox Jews think that the slogan "Get some" is "grossly offensive" and "encourages young people to have unprotected sex." Hey, no one tell them about "Assraelis," okay? (nysun.com)

Conservative types on this side of the pond might balk at the idea of a children's museum devoted to sex like the one that opened in Paris recently, but we think it's a pretty enlightened idea. Plans for that forthcoming Children's Guide To The Busty Topless Stars of French Cinema, however, might be taking Gallic permissiveness a little too far. (latimes.com)

In case you were wondering, Sex Week at Yale went just swimmingly ... right up until the moment when Vivid auteur Paul Thomas "appalled" the audience by showing a hardcore film featuring "fantasy rape, bondage and piercing." Well, at least they can't say the kids didn't learn anything. (more coverage @ yaledailynews.com + foxnews.com)

Keeping the kids away from the porn is hard work, but somebody has to do it; the question is who? Vivid's Steven Hirsch wants to see Google and Yahoo take an aggressive stand and develop new technologies to verify the ages of people searching for online porn. Because we all know there has to be a foolproof way to keep horny adolescents from accessing RustyTrombone.com. Er, isn't there? (afp.google.com)

Prudish oversensitivity reaches new heights of what-the-fuckness as a poster for a Royal Academy exhibition featuring a 500 year old painting of a naked Venus by Lucas Cranach the Elder is banned from the London Underground for violating advertising guidelines prohibiting material that "depict men, women or children in a sexual manner, or display nude or semi-nude figures in an overtly sexual context". And it's not even like her boobs are that big or anything! (sex-and-blogs.com)

Want to see what $1.4 million buys you in prime time television filth? Click the image to see video of Charlotte Ross corrupting the youth of America on NYPD Blue five years ago. New rule—if it's still on YouTube, you can't get fined for showing it on TV.
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A cop who works at a middle school in Florida is under fire because one of his MySpace friends links to a porn site and officials are concerned that kids who view the cop's page can get to porn "in just three clicks".. Actually, if it takes them that many clicks to find dirty stuff on the interweb, they can't be that interested in finding it in the first place.

English Teacher Acts In Sexy Commercial, Corrupts Youth

Everyone knows from watching movies that private schools appear on the surface to be stuffy, uptight institutions of higher learning, but underneath they are actually lusty dens of sin and vice. So we can't figure why Britian would be so shocked to learn that a private school English teacher can be seen having (not really) sex with a randy construction worker on YouTube. This fantasy ad has been online for some time already, and while it might be creepy in a "women are all dirty sluts who crave hardhat cock" sorta way, we wouldn't call it "shocking soft-porn." (Decide for yourself below. They even use a condom!) But if a low-paid teacher can't make a little non-nude acting money during summer breaks, then there's definitely a lesson to be learned in there somewhere. More »

Another day, another person complaining that the media player they bought as a Christmas present for their kid was filled with porn when it came out of the box. How come we always have to supply our own smut every time we buy a new iPod? Life is so unfair. (ap.google.com)

Even though their photos were approved by a three-person jury and had already been hanging in a gallery for several days, two Modesto, California artists had their nude images removed from an art show because some uptight folks got upset. A few teenage boys were also suddenly really interested in art, but whatever happened to expanding young minds? (modbee.com)

Louisiana's Department of Made Up Statistics predicts that cell phone porn will be a $3 billion-a-year industry in just four years. Fortunately, all that money will go into Steve Jobs' iPocket, where he will keep it safe from harm. (xbiz.com)

Canada's Sex Party (the political one, that is) is suing the postal service for refusing to deliver its pamphlets after letter carriers claimed that the brochures contained graphic, explicit imagery unsuitable for the eyes of children (= pictures of stick figures getting head). Hmm, sounds like some mailmen could use a little sex party themselves. (afp.google.com; more @ thesexparty.ca)

If certain proposed changes to 2257 requirements go through, you won't be able to upload that nakey pic of yourself to teh MySpace without also submitting a valid photo ID and a whole bunch of personal info, which means that people will have to rely on even more annoying sound files and seizure-inducing page layouts to get attention. Please, won't somebody think of us for a change? (wired.com)

If a mother can get $85,000 just because her kids watched a few minutes of hotel room porn, what do our parents deserve for all scrambled porn we "stole" during our impressionable youth? Only our inheritance lawyers know for sure! (upi.com)

Good news! Looking at porn on the computers at your local library is totally not a problem. It's even easier if you find someone else surfing for porn and just look over their shoulder. (westword.com)