34A-27-36 and 5'1" might be good enough for Sir Mixalot, but we live in a modern world. How can you have an Ass for Days, be an Ass Titan, sport a Billion Dollar Bootie or boast a Massive Ass when your entire body weighs less than any given three feet of a real BBW? Happy 25th birthday and all, but come on!

I think I need to examine this phenomenon much more closely to figure out what kind of ass inflation is going on here.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (iafd.com)
· Kristina Rose at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Kristina Rose's movies (gamelink.com)

And then I go look at actual pictures of Vanessa, and I realize that porn's first Latina superstar really is a caricature – a delightful, sexy, outrageous cartoon of the kind of woman you really, really hope would be waiting for you if you went down to the border and stepped across. Even though she's from New York.

Vanessa turns 57 today, and she is just as lusty and salacious and delicious as she was ten, twenty, thirty years ago – living it up and putting the kids to shame. Happy birthday, Vanessa – thanks for everything!

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (iafd.com)
· Vanessa Del Rio (VanessaDelRio.com)
· Vanessa Del Rio at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Vanessa Del Rio's movies (gamelink.com)

Laura, who was born in Litomerice in the Czech Republic, is also known as Lenka Lyons, Yvette Boutillon, Lenka Prasilova, Laura Hon, Lauren Lion, Laura Finn, Laura Lyon, Laura Linn, Lenka Pr., Laura, Lena, Lenka and…(wait for it)…Black Queen. I love it when one of the names is so radically different from the rest as to make you wonder what was going on in that one movie.

It seems to be a particular trait of girls from Hungary and the Czech Republic that they have more aliases than Frank Abagnale Jr.; I wonder if it's something in the water, or if they have just had so many orgasmov – a little priderzhivala plunger is a dangerous thing – that she can't think straight any more.

Well, anyway, happy birthday, Laura, and also to Lenka, Yvette, Lauren, Lena and Your Royal Highness.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (iafd.com)
· Laura Lion at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Laura Lion's movies (gamelink.com)

Her husband Marcos is 5'9" tall, so she doesn't exactly tower over him—unless you're imagining her in a pair of those heels porn stars love to wear, but you shouldn't, because tall girls usually get teased about being tall so they stick to flats and shoes that don't emphasize their height over the men they must date.)

On the other hand, if you put her in a group of other female porn stars—say, for instance, Fleshbot Supreme Commandress Joanna Angel, Aiden Starr, Gauge, and Kitty—just to pick a few completely at random, she would stand out Like Larry Bird in Munchkinland. She could rest her breasts on Mason Storm's head.

Aren't you having fun picturing that? I am.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Faith Leon at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Faith Leon's movies (gamelink.com)

And yet there she is – taunting, beckoning, fresh-faced…it's like she's fresh out of – well, wherever hot teenagers come from these days. She looks so wholesome that it takes a second to register that bathing suit as something a person might not just wear on the street.

How can she be showing up in MILF porn? It seems like she's one of those girls that will never age a second or look like she has acare in the world. Happy birthday, you magical little sprite.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Holly West at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Holly West, Savannah Gold when gas cost $3.60 a gallon (gramponante.com)
· Buy Holly West's movies (gamelink.com)

Distressing, I say, because of how gosh-darned cute and innocent she looks. Even when she's naked or showing off some of her delicious parts, which is the kind of thing that often starts me down the path of having sex with someone, I can't help but think that she's just goofing off and it would be rude to be forward. Also, in spite of the fact that she is only turning 25, she seems dauntingly mature.

That doesn't mean I wouldn't give it a try, though.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Carmen Hart at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Carmen Hart's movies (gamelink.com)

I used to know a girl whose last name was May, and it was always confusing to introduce her to people – "Jane May," I would say, and people would ask "May what?" or they would remark "And she may not!" (which was more often than not wrong).

But Kaylee? She just love cox. That's easy to understand, it does not allow misinterpretation, and it's inviting—as long as you have cox.

Sometimes she goes by Kaylee Sanchez, too, which is less clear, but every girl should maintain a little mystery, right?

Maybe Sanchez is for the days when she is feeling a little more introspective.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Kaylee LoveCox at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Kaylee LoveCox's movies (gamelink.com)
· Buy Sanchez's movies (gamelink.com)

Since I first saw her, I haven't been able to resist stopping and staring whenever I see a picture of her. Although Summer was born in Reno, Nevada, 41 years ago today, I still think of her as English, because for years I only ever saw her in issues of British-produced fetish magazines like Marquis and O. She's as American as apple pie, though.

She is so fascinating that once I sat through an entire bondage movie watching her.

I'm still not sure why. It's not her boobs, which are listed in various places as anywhere from 36FF to 45EEE (which, if I understand how boobs are measured, is a hell of a difference). I think it's her face. She always looks like a porcelain doll.

It might be the difference between her face and her boobs. I'm going to keep looking, and I'll report back if I figure it out.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Summer Cummings at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Summer Cummings' movies (gamelink.com)

30 years old today, Flick, who also goes by the even better porn name Felicity Shagswell, among others, looks like she would maybe buy you a beer. If you wanted one. Or maybe some fish and chips and a lager, since she is from England. I don't know if fish and chips go with lager, but you can be sure that you would eat them if she bought them for you.

The thing is, though, she would be buying them with an ulterior motive. She isn't trying to get you drunk, but she is totally going to take advantage of you when you're done with your fish and chips. Probably in the alley behind the chip shop. Look at that sly smile.

You lucky dog.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Flick Shagwell at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Flick Shagwell's movies (gamelink.com)

I think the result of such an effort would be very much like Adam & Eve's "Carolina Jones and the Broken Covenant," except with a plot. Lana Croft, who turns 24 today, would do almost the same thing she does now, except she would be animated.

Think of the opportunities for Lana Croft to couple with gods, demigods, exotic beast-men, skeletons with huge bones, sexy lady spies and just regular thugs. I'd totally play that game.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Lana Croft at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· No Man's Land: White Man's Burden (gramponante.com)
· Buy Lana Croft's movies (gamelink.com)

I can recognize them both – they're really cute and you should definitely check them out – but I can't remember which one's Whitney and which one's Britney. It's like trying to remember who's Statler and who's Waldorf.

Britney, it turns out, is the older one, the one with more tattoos, the one with real breasts, the one with the adorable lateral lisp, the one who turns 24 today. There must be some kind of mnemonic I could devise to help me remember this.

It would be so embarrassing if I ended up shouting the wrong name.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (iafd.com)
· Britney Stevens at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Britney Stevens's movies (gamelink.com)

It it were me (and I am admittedly not in porn for a very good reason), I would have tattooed the name of my favorite body part on a different body part.

I wonder where else this is showing up in Cherokee's life. Does she have D'Ass in her license plate? Her phone number? Shaved into the hair on her little dog?

What customized present could you get her for her 33rd birthday that she doesn't already have?

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Cherokee D'Ass at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Cherokee D'Ass's movies (gamelink.com)

Today's Birthday Girl played a hiker who ran into a convocation of scouts in Anabolic's "Gangbang Girl 13." Beatrice showed an admirable combination of pluck, resourcefulness and merit-badge-worthy skills in the way she dealt with a dozen horny lads.

She turns 42 somewhere in the world today – perhaps her native France - and although she has not made a movie in quite a while, I still hope that one day I will catch a glimpse of her in the California hills. For me, she is like Bigfoot, except less likely to show up.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Beatrice Valle at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Beatrice Valle's movies (gamelink.com)
· Buy "Gangbang Girl 13" (gamelink.com)

It's enough to make a cutting-edge sex news website just stop whining, honestly it is.

We hope the troops appreciate everything "Flava Ave" (who turns 23 today) is doing for them.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· The Buttoned-down Ava Rose (gramponante.com)
· Ava Rose at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Ava Rose's movies (gamelink.com)

Coincidence? Probably. But isn’t it nice to imagine that Marquetta, who turns 23 today, is so awesome that her departure sparked the decline of an entire city?

Marquetta should come live in our town, and we will start tracking the quality of living here. It’s pure science.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Marquetta Jewel at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Marquetta Jewel’s movies (gamelink.com)

Priya, in India, is a common given name meaning “dear” or “beloved”, and Rai is a Rajput title of honor title accorded to certain princes in Northern India, so her name, taken in toto, means ”Dear Lord.”

Ha ha. The funny thing is that Priyā (with the diacritical mark over the last letter), is the female version of the name; she doesn’t use it, though, so her name is actually masculine. And Rai is actually a male title, so, ha ha, that means –

Wait a minute.

Oh, Priya Rai!

[We know all there is to know about the crying game - ED]

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Priya Rai at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Priya Rai’s movies (gamelink.com)

Searches for “Jasmine Byrne” and “pie” do not yield the kind of results the National Pie Council would want on their website, but they do bring up lots of pictures of Jasmine Byrne, which is actually just fine with us.

Happy birthday, Jasmine – go have some pie!

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Jasmine Byrne at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Derby Day for Memphis Monroe (gramponante.com)
· Buy Jasmine Byrne’s movies (gamelink.com)

And by rip off, I do not mean steal or cheat out of; at conventions, Ava is well known for her habit of unzipping pants, reaching in, grabbing underwear, and extracting it without the benefit of taking the wearer’s pants off first.

I was too clever for her—I wasn’t wearing any underwear, so you could say, if you were feeling like it, that I sure showed her—but many other fans were not nearly so lucky. Ava Devine is, without a doubt, the most entertaining porn star I have ever seen at a convention. I hope that next year, now that she has turned 35, she will be as much fun as she was at 34, 33, 32 and 31.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Ava Devine at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Ava Devine’s movies (gamelink.com)

To date, Sativa has kept her word and never given me a blowjob.

That is the kind of integrity that deserves to be rewarded; it is the kind of integrity that results in a girl with a nice pair of natural tits keeping them and not getting some nasty fake ones. Happy birthday, congratulations, and thanks, Sativa.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Sativa Rose at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Chupa mi culo, robe mi colchon or: Pull My Daisy (gramponante.com)
· Buy Sativa Rose’s movies (gamelink.com)