You always want to see more of a good thing, and Jenna is a very good thing indeed – beautiful, successful, and sexy. But you know what? For me, what Jenna has left us is enough. Plenty of movies, plenty of sex, plenty of boys and girls – I don't need any more.

I don't want to see her doing anal, I don't need to see the interracial scene, I don't need to see her first BBG interracial double penetration. I want to imagine her at home, happy, laughing with her kids. For her sake and for the sake of the Jenna in my imagination, I never want to hear the words "Jenna" and "comeback" within ten paragraphs of each other.

Happy birthday, Jenna – stay home, have a good time, and keep staying home. We love you.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (iafd.com)
· Jenna Jameson at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Jenna Jameson's movies (gamelink.com)

Just looking at Sharka, I could never imagine her in a fight with GI Joe, by which I mean TV cartoon GI Joe, not real GI Joe with King-Fu Grip, although she is about the same size as a GI Joe with Kung-Fu Grip.

But if someone came busting into the bar where I was drinking peaceably and announced in a tremulous voice that Sharka Blue was riding into town and looking for the local tough guy, I would clear out and let someone else take the time to turn on the Joe-signal, or however it is you get in touch with GI Joe when there's trouble.

Sharka, who turns 28 today, joins Bolivia Samsonite and Krystal Steal in my own personal pantheon of porn stars to whom I would just go ahead and turn over the codes if they invaded my headquarters.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (iafd.com)
· Sharka Blue at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Sharka Blue's movies (gamelink.com)

Unfair and also inaccurate, partly because Missy Monroe didn't even get into porn until 2003, and Missy Monroe is therefore the Missy Monroe of the new millennium, but also because Claudia Downs is delightfully and emphatically her own person and does not have to be the anybody else of the anytime.

Sure, they both have that short blonde haircut that I love so much, and they both have perfect natural tits, and they both weigh exactly the same. But it would be a disservice to Claudia to love her for anything other than her own personal charms, which are considerable. Happy birthday, Claudia!

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (iafd.com)
· Claudia Downs at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Claudia Downs' movies (gamelink.com)

Apparently the rules about these things in Germany are different than they are here, but I think the German rules are better. I don't even know where the pricing schedule would begin for an Annette Schwarz, but I can tell you I would be willing to go quite a way up it to purchase the Annette Schwarz that I have seen in movies and on the web.

I admit that I am not all that familiar with the market for 25-year old girls who can do absolutely anything and still look like someone you would introduce to your mom once you toweled her off, but I am going to do some research right now and see what kind of green this is going to set me back.

I just hope someone hasn't purchased her already…

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Annette Schwarz (annetteschwarz.com)
· Annette's blog (blog.totallyannette.com)
· Annette Schwarz thinks I am oblivious (gramponante.com)
· Annette Schwarz at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Annette Schwarz's movies (gamelink.com)

She shares her birthday with two Byzantine emperors, a king and queen of Naples, Custer's senior captain at the Battle of Little Bighorn, a queen of Yugoslavia, and Ed Begley, Jr. Not to mention…oh, man, would you look at those things? They're so perfect and natural – no kidding. I could just…

Oh. Sorry. I was saying that the, uh, that…oh, that March 25th is also Pecan Day AND International Waffle Day, and, according to some, the day pancakes were invented in 1882. It is also the Feast Day of St. Dismas, Jesus' "Good Thief," although I don't know if pancakes or waffles would be appropriate feast items. I do know that I would totally feast on that ass – it's like a…um, a…a feast of – ass, or something.

Jeez. Sorry. Adrianna turns 28 today. 28 is also, coincidentally, the number of miles I would walk barefoot across hot sand to get to her if she called me up and asked me to come over. She keeps getting better too – next year it will be 29 miles.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Adrianna Nicole at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· I am the world's greatest porn director (gramponante.com)
· Buy Adrianna Nicole's movies (gamelink.com)

"Busty." "Stacked." "Bodacious" – the girls with the big boobs get all the love, but look at those delightful little almost-mounds and try – just try – to tell us you wouldn't enjoy them just as much as a bigger pair. You can't do it.

All the words we can think of for a small-chested girl are unflattering, and Kylie – among many others – deserves more. Put some thought into it and make her 24th birthday present a word we can use to tell her how much we like that shape.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Kylie Richards at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Kylie Richards's movies (gamelink.com)

It is a complex world, particularly now with all kinds of craziness rearing its head in the stock market, in politics, in real estate, and we'd like to take a moment to wish Stormy a happy, sane and enjoyable 30th birthday.

Take a load off, Stormy – just kick off your shoes, have a piece of cake – whatever your favorite kind is – and relax for a little bit. Take a listening tour of Louisiana tomorrow; it'll still be there.

Oh, and Happy St. Patrick's Day, as well. Have some green beer with that cake.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Stormy Daniels at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Stormy Daniels's movies (gamelink.com)

Remember your first Nina Hartley movie? You should. Mine was "Debbie Duz Dishes," which is no longer available, in spite of the fact that she won her only AVN Best Actress Award for it (so far).

Nina turns 50 today. In other words, you have been getting off to movies starring the legendary Best Ass In Porn now for at least as long as you weren't before she got into porn 25 years ago. It sort of makes you wonder what you were doing before that, doesn't it?

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· http://www.iafd.com/person.rme/perfid=Hartley/Gender=F/nina-hartley.htm at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Nina Hartley's movies (gamelink.com)

And the effect is especially pronounced, so to speak, when it is a girl like Yana Yordan – you should pardon me, Jana Jordan – today's Birthday Girl (she is turning 23). I have the same problem with Yessica Yewel, Yanet Yacme, Yayden Yaymes and any number of others, all the way up to Yynx.

It is so strong a compulsion that sometimes I worry that I might meet Yesse Yane or, heaven forbid, Yenna Yameson at a convention and I will say hello to her and she will think I am from Sweden.

Anyway. grattis på födelsedagen, Jana Jordan. That means happy birthday in Swedish. I provide a translation because I know that you are actually from Texas.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Jana Jordan at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Jana Jordan's movies (gamelink.com)

Even though I usually try to find at least three good pictures of a birthday girl, I thought there was enough going on with Sophie in this one that it would do for all three.

Just look at her – is she mad or just being aggressive? Does she have to pee, and if she does, why is she in the men's bathroom? Why is she walking like that? Is that slinky or sinuous or undead? Do we want to help her with whatever is going on with her business? Is she keeping something out, or holding something in?

There are so many more questions, but she looks like she has to go.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Sophie Evans at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Sophie Evans' movies (gamelink.com)

Like that time Birthday Girl Julie Simone, who turns 35 today, said "Bring your girlfriend over dressed in a pair of high heels and a plaid skirt and lean her on this sex swing while I pull her skirt up and smack her on the ass with this wooden paddle."

See, Sunset—em>that's how you ask for things.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Sunset Thomas at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Julie Simone at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Sunset Thomas's movies (gamelink.com) · Buy Julie Simone's movies (gamelink.com)

I guess today's Birthday Girl is one of those really cute chicks that everyone figures is just way out of their league, like the cheerleaders in high school. I wonder if she's lonely?

Judging from internet search results, she is. Whether it's some guy just having a beer with the guys while he's inside her, two people doing their own thing while Jaelyn rides by herself down at the bottom of the action, or somebody who just doesn't want to listen to her talk, it looks like her interactions with other people have left her so sad she just has to stay home and play with her own nipples.

Maybe now that she's 21, she can have a beer with that guy and at least share that much with him. Happy Birthday, Jaelyn – I'll be your friend, even if he won't.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Jaelyn Fox at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· We Shall Overcome (on your face): On the set of Not the Cosby Show XXX pt. II (gramponante.com)
· Buy Jaelyn Fox's movies (gamelink.com)

Silvia, who turns 33 today, will be followed into beatitude by Olivia Saint, Ellen Saint, Sandy Saint, Bonita Saint, Betty Saint, Isabella Saint, Angelica Saint, and Jasmin St. Clair.

Now all we need to do is figure out how to authenticate miracles.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Silvia Saint at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Silvia Saint's movies (gamelink.com)

Velicity, who turns 30 today and whose name is not Velocity, appears to feel, nearly every time, like she just wasn't expecting that.

If you are searching the web for pictures of Velocity, that is why you are getting nothing but graphs and pictures of cheetahs instead of pictures of Velicity Von being surprised again.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Velicity Von at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Velicity Von's movies (gamelink.com)

We at Fleshbot are, of course, young, internet-savvy hipsters on the cutting edges of both sex and technology, so Lorians was before our time (she was a star in the eighties, when they were playing classic rock like Robert Palmer and Tears for Fears on the radio, whatever that was).

They had color pictures in the eighties, as you can see from the last picture, so these black and white photos with the good parts carefully cut out are actually making us long for the innocence of two completely different times at once.

Lorians turns 47 today, although if you were a gentleman, you wouldn't have asked.

Ah, nostalgia…

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Jacqueline Lorians at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Jacqueline Lorians' movies (gamelink.com)

On January 28, 1754, Horace Walpole coined the term serendipity, which means finding something you’re not looking for but which you nonetheless need. Whenever you go looking for Alexis Texas, though, you get exactly what you were looking for.

Also, the first locomotive ran from the Atlantic to the Pacific on the Panama Railway on this day in 1855. But its caboose was nowhere near as impressive.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Alexis Texas at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Alexis Texas’ movies (gamelink.com)

Look at her. She is clearly the product of a fiendish plan to take over the world by creating a sort of primal porn star. How does the plan work? I don’t know; I am not a scientist.

But look at the look on her face. Have you ever seen someone so obviously bent on conquering? No, you have not.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· MacKenzie Mack at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy MacKenzie Mack’s movies (gamelink.com)

I also cannot think of Danni Ashe without thinking of a product I was once responsible for shipping to people who previously had none of it: Danni’s Jiggly Fantasy Boobs. I have never had the opportunity to touch Danni’s actual personal Jiggly Fantasy Boobs, and although they are no doubt absolutely delightful, I cannot imagine that they are as solid and heavy as the ones you can buy on the Internet.

In my Jiggly Fantasy, Danni Ashe is wearing my beloved San Francisco Gigantes sweatshirt, but I am still cradling her Jiggly Fantasy Boobs.

(In finding and appropriating these images of Danni Ashe, I am simply seeking to further her record as Most Downloaded Woman on the Internet.)

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Buy Danni’s Jiggly Fantasy Boobs (gamelink.com)
· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Danni Ashe at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Danni Ashe’s movies (gamelink.com)

If we had, we’d be over at her house right now, enthusiastically wishing her a happy, hearty and vigorous 42nd birthday, secure in the knowledge that her children would be back at school and not likely to walk in on us. Although the chances are good that if she had a barely legal daughter we wouldn’t mind that either.

Happy birthday, Payton.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

· Internet Adult Film Database (www.iafd.com)
· Payton Leigh at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· Buy Payton Leigh’s movies (gamelink.com)