It's because of the boredom! Clearly! And the lack of gangsta rap. You think they have time to listen to rap with all that screwing going on? No way. They're listening to Led Zepplin, album two, while the juice runs down their legs and into some other guy's margarita glass.

And to be perfectly honest, we don't mind all that much, so long as we get to watch. So when we heard that those dirty MILFish sluts over there on Wicked's Amber Lane were making a sequel, we can't say that it came as much of a surprise—because it did not! What do you expect them to do all day? Clean dishes while Raoul the cute landscaper with no shirt flaunts his washboard abs all day in the front yard? Come on, people. Think!

Plus, they have to practice to get good at making babies. That's why they're in suburbia, man!

Amber Lynn, Janet Mason, Angie Savage, Samantha Ryan, Charisma Cappelli, and Kiara "Cypher" Diane have mastered the art of giving supreme baby making pleasure with their vaginas and can now afford to eat bon bons, watch soap operas, and milk every single last drop of splooge from the heavy balls of undocumented transient workers, pool boys, delivery men, salespeople, and Jehovah's witnesses.

Maybe if you didn't work so much things would be different, but we sincerely doubt it. Don't be jealous. Just think of it as sexual training for when you get home, big guy—but make sure she uses the mouthwash. That's all we're saying. We know where director performer Randy Spears has been.

"The Housewives of Amber Lane 2" is out now. Check it out!

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Referencing puerile classics like "Raging Balls," "The Wizard of Cunt," "Live Free & Fuck Hard," "Fucks With Wolves," "Diddler on the Roof," "One Fucked Over the Cuckold's Nest," "Midnight Cowgirl," "Schindler's Fist," and the Japanese tentacle porn themed musical "The Sound of Hard Fucking," the girls eventually review spoof scenes crafted around such pornified titles as "Hairy Pussy & the Sorcerer's Bone," "E.T.: The Extra Testicle," "Spiderpussy," and "A Cock In Lips Now" before turning on each other in a juicy display of sapphic authenticity assured to curl toes and melt your new high definition screen.

What kind of antics does the movie include? Well, for starters, Bree's especially entertaining as a military assassin sent to the jungles of Southeast Asia to liquidate Col. Dick Hurtz, played convincingly enough by the muscle bound stud Tommy Gunn. In the process of trying to fuck each other within an inch of their beautiful lives, they nearly demolish the set (accidents will happen!). Madison Scott plays a particularly emotionally unbalanced super heroine in "Spiderpussy," unleashing a hauntingly ferocious sexual performance on Evan Stone. Fleshbot Crush Object Shawna Lenee beefs up her international relations credentials (pun well intended) with Latin born Marco, and manages to tackle thorny national security issues at the same time—with her tiny, wet, pink butterfly! (Lou Dobbs would be impressed!) And last but not least, Dane Cross apes a popular bespectacled young wizard whose brainy gal pal turns out to be a pussy hair's breadth shy of a full blown sex addict behind closed doors. Baby faced newcummer Jewel Styles plays Horny Whoremoine, ever inventing new perils for her beau to conquer in the quest for harder kink.

"Bree's Big Screw Review" is set to release through Adam & Eve in 2009, but you can sneak a peek with us right now by checking out these behind the scenes photos we snapped just for you. Keep your fingers crossed for another episode!

If our extensive experience in this area has taught us one thing, it's that we can't bring this many lascivious porn stars together without them eventually fucking each other senseless. And, as we'd expect, Tera Patrick, Daisy Marie, Daisy Dukes, Madison Scott, Kayla Paige, Angie Savage, Mya Luanna, Charmane Star, Lexi Belle, Maya Gates, Shawna Lenee, and several of their friends do exactly that, stripping out of their bikinis and lapping away at each other like kittens enjoying seventeen fresh bowls of cream. The results are disturbingly good, making us feel as immoral and decadent as an AIG executive with a golden parachute after the bail out. Move over, Hef—Tera wants to show you what the grotto should look like every single day of the week.

If anything, Tera's given us hope in a way that even our President Elect can only allude to. While most of us will have to tighten our belts this holiday season, finding pleasure in the simple joys of life, we can always look forward to history repeating itself. Our eyes are glassy after watching these lovely ladies work themselves into a frenzy, dreaming of a time when we will once again be able to blaze up our medical grade hydroponic with freshly minted hundred dollar bills. In fact, with ideas this good, we're thinking Tera for Prez 2012. You with us?

"Tera Patrick’s Pool Party" is available this week.

· Teravision (teravision.com)

Tera Patrick and her rockstar pimp husband Spyder get down and grungy together, but they also have scenes with other people—which, we must say, are pretty great. Some of the highlights: Tera gets drilled by Tommy Gunn while Spyder Jones services his model perfect blond friend; sapphic sweetheart Angie Savage takes a wild ride on the stiff prick of her rocker ex-hubby (a rare treat to catch given her aversion to boy-girl scenes); Sasha Grey turns out another amazing performance (as always), as do Nikki Benz, Jayna Oso, Paola Rey, Tiffany Taylor, Ava Lauren, Katrina Kat, Selena Draagon, Lexie Marie, Regan Reese, and Bobbie Eden (we're tired just typing that!).

Our only complaint, if we're going to be totally honest, is that there isn’t enough Tera in it for us. Seriously, if you’re going call something "Tera Patrick Superstar," shouldn’t she star in more than two scenes? Still, we'll take what we can get—and eagerly wait for whatever our favorite porn Queen offers up next.

Tera Patrick Superstar releases this week from Teravision.

· Teravision (teravision.com)

So hat better time for Adam & Eve Pictures to present us with Andre Madness’s newest release, "Bree and Sasha," which deftly blends the sheer orgasmic poetry of AVN’s Best New Starlet Bree Olson with the sexual complexity and existential angst of AVN’s Performer of the Year Sasha Grey? The girls plow through piles of deliciously velvety pink goodness, swimming the proverbial Sapphic backstroke in the juices of knockout beauties such as Lexxi Tyler, Lisa Neils, Angie Savage, Samantha Ryan, Sophia Santi and the insatiable (former) contract star Ava Rose. The end result is some of the best girl on girl action we’ve seen in a while, which, uh, caused us hours of delay in prepping this post.

Like peanut butter and chocolate, Bree and Sasha are two great tastes that taste great together. "Bree and Sasha" is available this week.

· Adam and Eve (adameve.com)

. . .

Fallen

Studio: Wicked
Director: Brad Armstrong
Cast: jessica drake, Jenna Haze, Brad Armstrong, Shyla Stylez, Angie Savage, Ryder Skye, Jennifer Dark, Jada Fire, Lana Croft, Gianna Lynn, Michelle McLaren

"Yes. Right in that little fuckhole," says Jenna Haze in the opening scene of Fallen, a guardian angel-out-of-grace tale from Wicked. But I don't think it's relevant to the story.

drake plays Haze's guardian angel, and when Haze dies in a freak elevator crash, drake feels guilty for screwing up at work. You see, Haze's boyfriend, played by Armstrong, was going to ask her to marry him that night, but Haze decided to go home instead—via elevator.

While it is not lost on this turtlenecked cineaste that Haze dying while going down is a metaphor for angels in general and the state of porn in particular, what is odd is that drake, a supernatural being, gets stuck behind a locked apartment building door.

"It was my job to protect her," drake says, a feather falling to her pointy white angel boots. "And I failed."

This was four years ago, and drake has been fired. Still immortal, she drifts toward the dark side, feeling no love "from above."

Can she be redeemed? Will she turn her back on heaven? That is the theme of Fallen, and not the theme of Dirtpipe Milkshakes 2.

drake visits the seedy, smoky, and dimly lit (a Wicked trademark) fleshpots of Los Angeles after musing prettily atop a building with the L.A. skyline behind her.

Poor drake. Now that she is no longer an angel, the cops think she is a hooker. But then she meets Armstrong, the former boyfriend of dead Jenna Haze. He is a bike messenger now, and they bump into each other when he spills coffee on her. Another metaphor for what he will eventually spill on her? You're goddamn right.

But lonelyhearts Armstrong is the innocent side of drake's new life. She still needs to purge herself of the fleshly temptations she has enjoyed since her wings were clipped. She stops by Jennifer Dark's house to watch her getting reamed.

Finally she goes on a date with Brad. At his house she notices a photo of Haze, her lost charge. She freaks out.

"I took the stairs for months after that," Armstrong says. "Even after they fixed {the elevator}."

The coincidence is all too weird for the fallen angel. She returns to a life of debauchery, blowing Herschel Savage on his cab, inserting things into Angie Savage, and saying things like "it's all too weird."

Fallen sometimes bows under the weight of its own earnestness, and the dialogue at times falls flat, but both drake and Armstrong acquit themselves nicely to a script that leaves lots of room to make her look glamorous, him look sensitive and easygoing, and us believe there is a God who lets His ex-employees go to orgies and stick dildoes in Angie Savage.

The movie resolves in a twist ending. I don't know if couples actually watch porn together or if that is a myth, but Fallen proves itself to be a satisfying and well-shot high-end porn with a moral: don't step into an elevator after saying "fuckhole."

· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)
· Buy "Fallen" (gamelink.com)

The content on the "Give Me Pink" DVDs is culled from the website of the same name, and we don't envy the good people at Cruel Media for what must have been a difficult task in assembling their newest compilation: it can't be easy sifting through all that foootage of insanely beautiful women squirting and fisting themselves to bring us the proverbial crème de la crème. The very prospect is enough to make even the strongest-willed of men weak in the knees.

Maybe that’s why they chose a woman to do it: Directrix Clara G serves up a hot dish of hot chicks working over their hot selves with hot pink jelly dildos. The release features 7 solo scenes running over 3 hours starring Tanya James (with whom we are smitten), Alexis Love, Angie Savage, Sonya, Peaches, Eve Angel, and Zuzana Z (no relation to Zorro). Each one starts out her scene with fingers and gradually moves on to several different types (and sizes) of toys, and the sheer variety of positions and insertions is enough to elevate the title considerably above and beyond its virtually nonexistent competition. (Oh, and did we mention we're smitten with Tanya James? Just checking.)

• "Give Me Pink 4" (DVD info + previews @ julesjordanvideo.com)
• Give Me Pink (givemepink.com)

What we didn't know until we read today's press release for "Brea: Insatiable", however, is that we have the weather to thank for Brea's current state of divine discontent: "It was pouring by the afternoon," Brea may or may not have actually said about filming what was then just another untitled movie. "I love rain, and even more so, violent weather. It started to hail and the colder and more savage it got outside, the hotter I got, and the more hungry for hard, hold me down and fuck me senseless, sex. I directed all of my energy into the body of my partner. That's how the title came about. I was truly insatiable during that shoot."

Whether or not Brea actually let such words roll off her bubblegum pink tongue or whether they remain entirely the invention of an imaginative PR department we may never know. But at least it gave us the pleasant thought that Brea Bennett is both (1) unusually sensitive to meteorological influences and (2) unusually capable of enjoying intense, savage sexual congress. Since you're reading this on Fleshbot and not The Weather Channel, guess which part we're going to focus on?

"Brea: Insatiable" also stars Aubrey Addams, Brooke Belle, Veronica Jett, Jayme Langford, and Angie Savage, and hits shelves this week.

· Ninnworx_SR (ninnworx.com)

Free the hand that rocks the cradle after the gap.

- - -

Babysitters

Studio: Digital Playground
Director: Robby D.
Cast: Jesse Jane, Shay Jordan, Sophia Santi, Teagan Presley, Sasha Grey, Nikki Benz, Nautica Thorn, Gina Lynn, Tommy Gunn, Lexxi Tyler, Sammie Rhodes, Alektra Blue, Angie Savage, Ben English, Charles Dera, Jerry, Saascha, Scott Nails, Tony De Sergio, Tyler Durden, Jay Lassiter

Review by Gram Ponante

It's impossible, of course, to have babysitters without children, but it is absolutely verboten to have images of children in porn movies, so we see their diapers and tricycles and can only wonder at their parents' poor judgment in hiring Sasha Grey to babysit.

A loose network of babysitters and neighborhood families take part in interwoven stories in this movie that features many of Digital Playground's contract stars in roles that are smaller than would normally merit their inclusion on a boxcover, but it is a pleasure to see them anyway.

The thought of the above-named cast operating a babysitting collective (their uniform is usually a backpack) is more titillating, for some reason, than the same group on a cheerleading squad. It must be my biological clock.

Nautica Thorn seduces a dad without too much effort, mopey teen Sasha Grey goes, in one scene, from a frigid prude to a cock-smoking dynamo in the next. This is explained away when she shows up for a babysitting gig that has been canceled. "I would do anything for that money," she tells the dad (and his friends). Cue boning.

Elsewhere, dominatrix Sophia Santi has a party with the wives. Wielding a strap-on, she orders:

"Bitch? Spit on that shit! I'm gonna take this cock and go home." (Santi is an undertapped resource, in my opinion). We see the leonine Angie Savage atop a strap-on mounted to Alektra Blue's leg. Smart: this allows the use of the knee as a pressure point as well as full view of all the special parts.

Teagan Presley, looking splendid after her own maternity leave, returns as the unlikely babysitter of a boy whose legal-age brother waits upstairs, masturbating. The brother has a broken leg, which is perhaps how producers got around the conundrum of why the absent mom and dad would hire Teagan in the first place.

Then Shay Jordan and Scott Nails get it on in the movie's Most Likely to Happen in Real Life pairing: the babysitter's boyfriend comes over while the folks are out. That Shay J. is a yeller.

Then, horrors, Shay is caught by parents Gina Lynn and Ben English. Best scene in the movie. (Scott Nails beats it out the back door.)

Then the combination is repeated, this time with Tommy Gunn, Jesse Jane, and Nikki Benz. It is almost redundant to say that Jane is so practiced and gleeful with her sex kitten roles (and Digital Playground never makes the mistake of casting her against type) that she always ups the ante. Gunn, too, can be seen actually acting. The dialogue and the setups might be simple, but I never get the feeling that he's tuning out.

An unintentionally hilarious scene pops up between two porn dudes commenting on Sasha Grey's blowjob antics. Their scene is known in porn circles as the "High Five", in which two guys will high-five each other over the woman they've just unloaded on. In this case, the men are just watching from the sidelines, but still congratulating each other with pints of beer. Since both speak English with heavy Slavic accents, it is almost impossible to understand them.

While we can suspend our disbelief enough to imagine married mom of one Jesse Jane as a gum-smacking babysitter, these guys just look like they shouldn't be there, and wouldn't be saying those things if they were.

Writer/director Robby D., while he has Digital Playground's financial resources and talent pool to draw from, nevertheless also makes Babysitters a fast-paced, fluid, cheerful, well edited movie, down to characters from one scene reaching for a doorknob that opens a door to a new scene with different characters. This might not seem like much in mainstream terms, but any effort pays off in porn, and Babysitters, already ahead because of its cast, benefits from his direction.

· Digital Playground (digitalplayground.com)
· Buy "Babysitters" (gamelink.com)