What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Taco Edition

The Motels ("Take the L out of 'lover' and it's 'over'") is my choice for Awfulest Band of the 80's, but it had a canon. Taco's lone hit was a cover. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? No F'ing Kidding

Just last week a reader traveled back to the "Diver Down" era to rename a porn movie "People Fucking." And yet this week we get the most obvious title in the world, 25 years late. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Retronyms Edition

What do Hairy Pussies and Coca Cola Classic have in common? They're both retronyms: names created when the original word was no longer descriptive enough. Forgive me, Dr. Lederer. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? I See A Darkness Edition

"We have looked into the anus, and it is us," someone once said. While the font of Evil Angel's "Deep Anal Abyss 2" doesn't impart the despair Adrianna Nicole must be feeling, I'd Camus her. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? That Is Not What I Meant At All Edition

Lisa Ann looks so tempting and accessible on this boxcover that it makes us sad that she's crazy. Poor thing. What? She's not crazy? But the title of the - I don't get it. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Put The Needle On The Record Edition

While prefixing anything with the word "cyber-" makes us giggle like when our granddad warned about "smoking drugs," this movie inspires nostalgia for the days when we would suffix fortune cookie aphorisms with ".com." More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Erectile Wardrobe Malfunction Edition

In this weekend's glut of conspicuously consumptive footballery, remember the simple furtive pleasures of grabbing glimpses of panties beneath those Cardinals snowbird muumuus or Steelers blast furnace aprons. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Jerked By An Angel Edition

Unless performed on oneself, the handjob is the toughest of the marital arts. Therefore the notion of a "Fantasy" handjob made me think of Cthulhu (the tentacles!), Grimace, the Archangel Gabriel, or a unicorn. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Sleight of Ass Edition

We meet at a quickie trade paperback celebrity book-signing ("Dana Plato's Posthumous Carb Diary"), you ask if I'd like to give you a creampie, then you show me your ass. I think: Amateur. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Ass-perger's Edition

This movie dutifully answers the question "How many nurses take it up the ass?" But my question for you, Dear Readers, is "Must we go through that forward ass to get to the remaining five?"

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? 69 Days of Christmas Edition

"We're stuffing more things than stockings this Christmas," crows the pitch for this release featuring the biteable Tyla Wynn. All right. We'll take that. But you can do better.

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Negative Space Edition

We don't always love Wicked's movies, but we do love their boxcovers. Probably because, like porn itself, they leave room for our wild imaginations to wander.

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? BBW Revisited

Look at the juicy and delicious April Flores on the cover of "Waist Watchers 4." LOOK AT HER. That's right: you're not just looking at her waist; you're looking at handfuls of other parts that, laid atop each other on a scale, would create an exuberant feeling in you greater than their weight. The Germans say it best when they call such women "zaftig." But now you, like last week's winner, must come up with a better term than the porn-standard BBW. Why? Because April Flores will cry if you don't, and because Lufthansa is bankrupt. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? U-Turn to "Tunnel Butts"

The melon-scented squishings and sloshings of "Tunnel Butts" raised as many eyebrows as they did the front panels of our Toughskins recently, so we're asking you, as simply as we possibly can, to come up with a better title for this movie featuring women with asses through which we'd like to drive our banana trucks. Could we find Busytown's Bananas Gorilla for a quick graphical reference? No we could not. But that doesn't mean you can't spend the next week returning "tunnel" to Messrs. Lincoln, Eisenhower, and Hoosac. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Promoting from Within Edition

"Like the semen that gets devoured – 'Need for Seed 3' is – HOT!" stammers the boxcover copy of this gem that features Internal Popshots, the kind of xuppage that doesn't get all over the place until after you've gone and she needs to move from atop the record player (no doubt moved by a sign from God, as per last week's winner). But aside from the fact that the site of Mya Nichole triggers an almost immediate breakdown of higher cortical functioning, there is nothing about her picture that suggests she wants hers on the inside. Your mission this week is to find an Internet picture of any stripe that screams "Keep it in-house." You know, like how managers are chosen at UPS. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Mama Said Turn You Out Edition

Milves turning their adult daughters into prostitutes, and then getting the process filmed. Is there anything we cannot accomplish with our positive outlook and entrepreneurial zeal? No. There is nothing. Thanks, GawkerMedia-sponsored Anthony Robbins seminar! But now the question is: What would you not want to see in your porn? Fleshbot readers like last week's winner worked overtime. Now you must tell us what would get you the opposite of off. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? The Gapes of Wrath Edition

Dirty, dirty, dirty. Nice girls don't do it, and their partners daren't ask. That is why anal access is the highest (or lowest) rung on porn's ladder. In fact, even the word "rung" sounds dirty in this context. And there is no greater anal acrobat than Belladonna, who sports a big black eye a few feet above her brown one, emphasizing the fact that the bum is the final frontier for sexual thrill seekers. So your job this week is to rename this title according to a favorite book from your K-12 reading list (and we'll close out the Steinbeck category by removing "Cannery Row" from contention). More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Being For The Benefit Of Gina Lynn's Ass

First off, we were so impressed with last week's efforts that we are moving to Philadelphia to fondle the left ball of Duncan Doughnut and perform an Ass Meld on our sneeze reflex. But it's a new week in a litigious world, and Zero Tolerance has clearly forgotten about a certain lawsuit-happy Cupertino company in naming its latest "Apple Bottomz." After all, one look at Gina Lynn and it's an easy jump to "How many USB devices can I daisy chain from her ass? Like, 128?" Your job this week, then, is to rename this movie as if it were either a Beatles lyric or a computer product. Having trouble? Your mother should know. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Brownout Edition

We're an enlightened group of people here, right? Remember when your wife sat on my lap at the dinner party and you were uncomfortable but we all got over it? That's what I mean. But now and then there is a porn title even we First Amendment Patriots quail at. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Value-Added Knockoffs Edition

Sometimes the porn version can only be better. It happened with "The Da Vinci Load" and, we will probably admit, "Pirates II". So it is reasonable to expect that a TV show that is already so popular with transsexuals—and which features an actual transgender contestant in its current cycle—would be as good if not better for the people who love transsexuals in a pornified offering. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Grinders, Gyros, And Hoagies Edition

"I would like to grind your cock into a fine paste," Brea Bennett did not say at a news conference announcing her "Cock Grinder" movie. "Or maybe a meal from which I can make my family's tortillas." As head-scratchingly bad a title something implying that, should your penis pass through Bennett's folds, it will be ground is, I'm sure you can imagine a much, much more horrifying title. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Catatonia Edition

Submitted for your approval: There is something not quite sentient about the woman on the left, being disrobed for your delectation in this Earl Miller movie. Now I get glazed looks like this all day, running as I do the Dunkin' Donuts concession inside Bogue Chitto High. But I don't know if these ladies are inviting me in or asking me to step outside while the formaldehyde tops off. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Gold Medal Edition

This publication seems to be in love with the word "fap" as much as the nation is in love with Michael Phelps. So why not combine them? At least for the duration of this post, substitute "Phelps" for "fap" and consider the onomatopoetic implications (I imagine the L sound coming from a punch to the throat when it's done). More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? MILF Accessories Edition

What kind of woman forgets to take out her curlers before allowing herself to be reamed by the local blind, distractingly hairy-legged newsboy? Well, a MILF, apparently. In some circles a MILF is a mom, in others a cougar, and in this someone who just doesn't care. Why not a housecoat, too? Two weeks ago we asked for the optimal teen porn accessory—and you, bless your heart, said a big wheel. Now, if you can suggest the best porn accessory for a MILF, you will join last week's laureate in the winner's circle. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Tender Discoveries Edition

Let's do the math: an average of five scenes per movie times seven movies. That means that at least 35 people have not had black cock before. In this day and age. I remember when we graduated we all went out and got one, and that's hard to do in Middlebury. So what people are watching in "My First Black Cock #7" is a tender right of passage rather than the bumpy journey mainstream media would have you believe it is. So be like last week's winner, fleshbotpdh, and come up with the next Best First Thing for porn—with extra points granted for something that can be done on a big wheel. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Mother And Lollipop Reunion Edition

Sadly, none of the pairings in this movie are of actual mothers and daughters; in fact, one participant revealed to me that "even if I had a daughter, I wouldn't have sex near her". But that is why porn is all about fantasy. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Jenna Haze: Telegrapher Edition

We are not showing you the title of this movie, but Jenna Haze is providing a pretty good visual clue on the cover. A skillful actor trained in Greek theatre, Haze knows that sometimes the audience is so far from the proscenium that IT needs a little help to follow the story. In this case, the story will be written all over her ... well, you get the idea. Can you be like last week's winner and come up with a better title than the one Theos provided? And will Jenna of Troy be able to launch a thousand ships once the deed is done? More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Mentor Lesbians Edition

Back in my day (I am now 23), lesbians didn't look like this—or at least the mainstream media, softball-playing, Melissa Etheridge-listening, workmen's comp-seeking, Seneca Falls enpilgrimaging ones didn't. So seeing this lesbian MILF movie, even after a steady diet of porn lesbians, is still a shock. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Penal Reform Edition

We know. "We're evolved enough as porn consumers to not expect a literal interpretation of the title on the boxcover, hence why these harlots are outside and not actually in detention," you might say. But that wasn't the point we were going to make. Instead, dazzle us like last week's winner did and come up with a Motown girl group name for the flashing harlots on the bench. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? It's Not A Tumor Edition

You might as well face it: Rocco Siffredi is—and rightfully so—the world's most popular male porn star. But that does not mean his "Puppet Master" DVD doesn't look terrifying, what with the head of that Robert Palmer video girl growing like an abscess out of that crawly girl. And what does that picture have to do with puppets? More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Ladies Of Leisure Edition

I suppose Fleshbot management keeps me around for my boilermakers and Daddy's money, because now and then I look at the angular and spavined pinups my colleagues choose and feel out of the loop. "It's Father's Day," I'll say. "These women can't accommodate my seed." More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Unsightly Spills Edition

Not that Fleshbot readers aren't anything but swinging bachelors and (maybe two, at most three) bachelorettes, but they are also well-read. So they should know, at least anecdotally, that the word "blowout" strikes fear in anyone who has ever changed a diaper. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Galaga Edition

Where else but in porn would a reference to a 30-year-old video game get any traction as a movie title? This blowjob vehicle (directed by the ready-for-anything Courtney Cummz) has the perfect title. But we have a problem with the boxcover: what does this picture have to do with the title? More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Outrageous Edition

Maybe it's because we've mellowed in our senescence (we're 23), but we can't remember the last time we thought anything was outrageous. Nutrageous, maybe, but never outrageous. Especially asses. Can you imagine saying, "Your ass offends me"? I couldn't. And I especially wouldn't say it to Kelly Starr. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Hearting Alexis Silver

The title of this movie might be "I Love Alexis Silver," but the box cover photo reveals that Silver might be ambivalent about you. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Giving Mom The Finger

We love candy corn at Halloween, even though the differently-colored parts of the confectionery triangle all taste the same. That is why the multi-hued penis of this Rico dude seemed appropriate for Mother's Day, draped as it was across her face like the sewn-with-love scarf you made for Mom in Home Economics, or her wagging finger when you did something wrong. But all is not well in Pornville, because that isn't my mama on the cover and, last time I checked, it wasn't yours. So can you be like last time's winner, MexicanBeeMan, and try your luck on the second dick-drapery title we've had in as many months? More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Rest Your Bones Edition

Poor Majority-Challenged Blackzilla: the load he carries is so onerous that he often has to lay it down on your hot wife. Problem is, sometimes she is frightened and/or partially blinded and can't provide the weary traveler with any hospitality. It must be his opening line. More »

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? A Taste Of Wet Chocolate

Just so you don't flip out, the "Wet Chocolate" in the title of this post refers to someone in a movie—we don't know who—named Wet Chocolate. We pondered whether the movie title was redundant because it mentions both "Black" and "Inner-City," so your job this week is to choose a better porn, banking, and civic euphemism for "minority" than "inner-city." Can you do it? Be like last week's winner, bmeboy, and dazzle the nut out of our juicy-ass booty. More »