Fisher will host a "Hottest MILF" contest on—of course—Mother's Day (May 10) at the third annual porn consumer show. Fisher, who went from "Lolita" to "MILF" without stopping at that awkward porn ingenue phase, will be appearing at the event all weekend.

And Vivid girls Hanna Hilton, Nikki Jayne, Meggan Mallone, and Savanna Samson will celebrate their employer's quarter century of existence at a party at Karu & Y Ultra Lounge on May 9. They will also be supporting the art show/web site 25 Years of Vivid, a tribute by Vivid BFF World of Wonder, featuring photos from Vivid's portfolio, including these of Kayden Kross (a Vivid girl before Adam & Eve snatched her up), Eve Laurence, and jailbait Janine Lindemulder.

So if you are on your way to see your own Mom in Boca, a stop in Miami would probably do you good.

· Exxotica Miami (exxxoticamiami.com)
· Amy Fisher (amyfisher.com)
· 25 Years of Vivid (25yearsofvivid.com)

With all the airbrushed, straight-toothed, couples'-friendly porn out there, it is nice every once in a while - or even thrice in a while - to reach back and remember when porn was raunchy and fun and unsettling.

Well that world still exists, my friends, and it is the City of Tampa.

"Theater Sluts" features Hillsborough County's tannest and most feathered beauties venturing into old-school porno theatres where they meet just the sort of people who frequent porno theatres.

What follows is a spot-lit and vaguely orange grope in the dark with only one woman (19-year-old vixen Jasmine) looking at all porny (though Tampa, according to the Journal of Invented Statistics, has more strippers per square mile than anywhere else in the world) and the rest at the very least looking game.

And the men involved, including host and narrator Dirty D, are neither apologetic nor abashed the way many of their Porn Valley gangbang counterparts are. Their fishbelly white, flabby stomachs are a mark of pride and status, undulating hypnotically as they bounce atop the asses of Floridian strippers.

But lest you think "Theater Sluts" is unredeemably prurient, along comes Cedra who, in the final scene, evokes "The Wizard of Oz."

"Is there anyone here who didn't come on you?" Dirty D asks.

"Nope!" she says, looking around the dim room. "He came on me, he came on me, and he definitely came on me."

· Theater Sluts (theatersluts.com)
· Buy "Theater Sluts" (gamelink.com)

Sammy leans back on the scummy bed, ready for the camera man's onslaught.

"How old are you?" he asks.

"How old do you want me to be?" she asks.

They repeat this like nine times. Finally he says:

"Are you 25?" (we sure hope not).

"Something like that," she says.

Horrible things ensue and then, as he's driving her back to her corner, she says, "You don't even know about freaky shit."

And it's true. We don't.

This is an amazing video that takes me back to a time when adults were scary. From Sammy we go to Brandi and from there it just gets worse. But I couldn't stop watching. And what is usually a let-down in POV videos, the voice of the camera operator, is here the only lifeline to sanity.

He deftly interviews these women while they're blowing him and thereby gets all the squalid details. It is less a sex tape than a series of transactions. I suppose it could be viewed as sad, but there are so many other things going on than anyone's happiness that I couldn't be sure.

· Crack Whore Confessions (crackwhoreconfessions.com)
· Buy "Crack Whore Confessions 3" (gamelink.com)

The issue is also stirring up a bit of controversy thanks to cover girl Kelly Carrington, who is a student at the University of Florida. Clever scholars will note that UF is not in the Big Ten, a problem that Ms. Carrington (not her real name!) attributes to superior SEC genes.

"There weren’t any girls from the Big Ten who were hot enough to be on the cover," she says.

This will not stand! Her football and basketball teams may have earned the right to talk a little smack on the playing field, but when it comes to the physical prowess of its co-eds, we'll put the Big Ten up against any conference in the land.

There was obviously some sort of lack of oversight on the part of Playboy's editors—or maybe there's a Gator-Hefner-NCAA conspiracy going on here? But we're certain that there are Big Ten women out there just as worthy of the centerfold. And we can prove it! Just as soon as we find some actual pictures from the magazine. (It's not like we're going to go outside and you know, buy it or anything. Feel free to leave us tips in the comments below.)

· UF student on cover of Playboy (gainesville.com)
· Playboy’s Girls of the Big 10: MSU’s Elle Stamos (metromix.com)
· Playboy No. 10 Octoboer 2008 (alltollz.com)
· Girls of the Big 10 (non-nude gallery @ playboyu.com)

Hardcore's attorneys told jurors that no one could have purchased or seen the eight hours of fisting, urination, and mock-"underage" footage by mistake, and (according to AVN), several jurors approached the Hardcore team afterward and expressed sympathy, saying the poor wording of the legislation painted them in a corner.

Despite past successful defenses for more extreme material than the likes of "Fists of Fury 4" and "Extreme Max 19," as well as the positive testimony of retired porn star Summer Luv—who told the jury that Hardcore, unlike other porn directors, "cared" and paid on time—the jury was unable to sidestep existing law, which counts as obscene anything that "appeals to prurient interest."

As a precedent, this case bodes ill for Evil Angel and director John Stagliano, who face similar charges for tamer movies. That case is not expected to go to trial until next year.

· "Closing Arguments In Max Trial Reveal Prosecution's True Agenda" and "Max Hardcore Found Guilty in Obscenity Trial" (avn.com)
· Max Hardcore (maxhardcore.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Porn Valley (Adjacent) Dispatch: Max Hardcore Busted, Max Hardcore Trial Update, Porn Valley Dispatch: Max Hardcore's Process

. . .

Born in New Jersey, Tommy Gunn was a Chippendales dancer in Florida when his then-girlfriend introduced him to Wicked director Brad ("Flashpoint", "Coming Home") Armstrong.

"We were at the Saddle Ranch on Sunset Blvd. and I asked him what was the best way to break into the porn industry," Gunn said. "He just jerked his thumb at my girlfriend and said, 'She's your ticket in.'"

While that relationship didn't work out and Gunn was soon back on a plane to Florida, he was already making himself indispensable to ladies.

"I was working as a clothing designer and one day Janine and Julia Ann bought bikinis that I'd sewed," he said.

You sew?

"I have three sewing machines," he said. "One does leather. When I was dancing the other guys would come to me when they needed to replace the velcro in their pants."

Gunn's porn career began in 2003; he started when he was 36.

"I think if I got into this when I was 21 I'd be washed up," he said. "But I like the story about the Old Bull and the Young Bull: The Young Bull says, "Let's run down the hill and fuck that cow." And the Old Bull says, 'No, let's walk down there and fuck them all.'" I'm the Old Bull."

Gunn currently lives with Ashlynn Brooke in a house that he's fixing up to look like the Hard Rock in Las Vegas.

"I'm extending the beach to my pool," he said, strolling around the back yard where he has built a fountain and a tiki bar.

So what's the secret to a long career as a male porn star?

"Smell good always," he said. "and when I'm with another guy's girlfriend, I want to deliver her back to him unharmed."

· Assassin Pictures (assassinpictures.com)

Well, I said "art," but that was just a hook; this is really a poorly made movie, but it's still fun to watch, and which is better, a technically adept porn movie that is unwatchable and unappealing or something that looks like a trainwreck with boobs flopping out? I, for one, opt for Option 2.

And there is something appealing about "Real Roadside Ho's" in the fact that you can imagine these dudes driving that van around Ft. Lauderdale on days when they're not shooting porn, too.

Meaghan Jones is picked up on a quiet residential street after her shift selling "makeup products." She is naked mere moments later.

The rest of the women in this title have the mark of Florida authenticity about them and, along with "Couples Seduce Teens" or other Pink Visual California-filmed fare, this New Porn Order production provides a continental bookend documenting the van-based exertions of local talent.

· New Porn Order (newpornorder.com)

Florida's Nightmoves Magazine, a respected stripper publication, and performer Courtney Cummz are teaming up with Tampa lawyer Brandon Kolb for the first-ever seminar, which promises to address the casting couch as well as "the legalities from experienced adult entertainment Attorneys."

Participants will actually shoot a porn scene with Cummz' guidance by the end of the seminar. Talent will be provided by a local casting agency, TandA Management.

We were concerned that no one from the number listed on the website answered our calls during business hours and that there was no mention of what the seminar would cost, but we reassured ourselves that porn really is about promise rather than delivery.

In any case, it's got to be better than Kate Capshaw's "SpaceCamp."

· Porn Camp Seminars (porncampseminars.com)
· Courtney Cummz (courtneycummz.com)

* * * * *

Previously: "Breaking Into Porn": You Think It's Easy Banging Hot Chicks For A Living?

From a legal point of view, said Walters, Florida is an interesting set of regional microcosms, with the majority of production going on in the southern part of the state, and the majority of cases against pornographers going on in the north.

So says the Jacksonville Times-Union, which like many local newspapers these days, is examining the local porn climate—although Jacksonville being closer to that belt we mentioned—they take a pretty moralizing stance. Their three part series contains one re-hashed story on the dangers of podn addiction and one "where are they now?" followup on former Jacksonville Hooters girl Crissy Moran, who quit the business a year ago after finding religion. (Although judging by her still constant presence on the babelog circuit, it's like she never left.) All the stories seem to come to one conclusion—porn is here to stay, whether Floridians like it or not. (And they seems to like it quite a bit.)

So how can the same state play host to growing porn empires like the Bang Bros., yet still crack down on hardcore outfits like Ray Guhn Productions? And don't even get us started on Girls Gone Wild, which has probably done more to benefit state tourism than anything since "Where The Boys Are." (The first one!) We don't have the answers yet, but if our request to transfer to our Panama City bureau comes through, we'll let you know what we find.

· "Porn nearby", "Their addictions hurt themselves, loved ones" + "She quit porn industry and turned to Christ" (jacksonville.com)

Previously: Crissy Moran Finds Jesus

A quick Google search revealed that the campus where the stalking was done was Broward Community College in the Hanging Chad region of the Sunshine State. One further sign that the movie was not filmed in Porn Valley was that, when asked if she could "suck (her) own titties," a woman named Jessi replied, "Do they reach?" Pornfolk learn that capacity within minutes of getting off the bus in these parts.

A Russian woman named Anastasia, identified by the high school term "exchange student", was my favorite in this condom-only production. Each woman seemed to have been approached as she flipped through a notebook, adding to the verisimilitude, in a deserted area of BCC's campus.

"Most of them are strippers," admitted a Pink Visual employee.

"And not actual college students?" I cried.

"...and not actual college students," she admitted.

It is important to point out that "Slutty Campus Teens" does not necessarily imply that these women are students - just that they were approached on a campus. We don't have their records to verify if they are actually teens, nor can we call someone "slutty" if she has sex for money, but I am kind of hoping that Julie is actually slutty, just in case I'm going poncho shopping down Broward way.

· Pink Visual (pinkvisual.com)
· Buy "Slutty Campus Teens 3" (gamelink.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Photoplay Archive

· Night Moves (nmea.com)
· Buy "Busty Hookers" (gamelink.com)

"I was the only porn girl at this one," she said. "I was signing copies of 'Cum on My Tattoo'. There was a huge line. I think that at porn conventions guys just want a pretty girl to smile at them, and any one will do. These people were there to see me."

Stormy Daniels, Jesse Jane, and Carmen Luvana proved that contract girls for different companies can exist in the same place at the same time without Lionel Stander declaring that "it was murder". Here they are at Tampa's Nightmoves show last week.

(Jesse has a tattoo of the Playboy Bunny under her navel.)

The ubiquitous Michelle Aston sprawls on a bench outside Justice Howard's Toys Kill show in Hollywood last week. Aston was featured in the photo exhibition and just about everywhere else. "I'm tired oof teaching 20-year-olds how to fuck," she mused. I reminded her that I was 22.

Finally, Marco Banderas and loveely Newcastle-born wife Lisa DeMarco (get it?) pose in Tampa. We are not sure if either member of the couple has tattoos, but Banderas could probably focus the white hot rays of the sun with his teeth to cook up a workable one of those coccygeal butterflies.

* * * * *

Previously: Popshots Archive

· Photos by Autumn Sonnischen (autumnsonnichsen.com)

See also:
· Darenzia
· Miss Kendra James
· Miss Maya
· Ruby Luster

Previously: FetishCon 2007: Florida Heat, Anastasia Pierce Does Rubberdoll (And Vice Versa)

· Photos by Autumn Sonnischen (autumnsonnichsen.com)

See also:
· Anastasia Pierce (anastasiapierce.com)
· Rubberdoll (rubberdoll.net)
· FetishCon (official site @ fetishcon.com)

Previously: FetishCon 2007: Florida Heat

· FetishCon (official site @ fetishcon.com)
· Photos by Autumn Sonnischen (autumnsonnichsen.com)

See also FetishCon 2007 Models:
· Darenzia
· Anastasia Pierce
· Miss Maya
· Kerri Taylor
· Lady Lethe
· Eden Wells
· Emily Marilyn
· Ruby Luster

· "Man's Pornographic Protest Uses Naked Mannequins" (slideshow @ wftv.com)

· We've haven't seen Daisy Fuentes in awhile, maybe because she's too busy getting drunk in the ocean. She's definitely no sea cow. (drunkenstepfather.com)

· Let's say you open a salon where scantily-clad ladies cut hair in sexy outfits. Well, this is the worst that can happen. (alliednews.com)

· Hooters is now 25 years old, so come on down and bring the kids!. When they say one big happy family, they mean it. (ajc.com)

· Some Malaysians don't mind the sports car racing, but aren't so keen on the ever-present racing babes. Sorry, you can't have one without the other. (thestar.com.my)

· Nudist recreation is now more popular than golf or tennis. Probably because you don't have to wear those ugly shirts. (azcentral.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· Watch out, y'all ... another "celebrity" sex tape is supposedly hitting the interweb any day now. You'll never care guess who it is! (OK, it's Lauren and Jason from MTV's "The Hills". Hey, there was a time when you didn't know who Kim Kardashian was either.) (entertainmentwise.com)

· Uma Thurman wears her new bikini ... sorta. The suit isn't really serving any purpose at this point. (egotastic.com + hollywoodtuna.com + drunkenstepfather.com)

· "Girls Gone Wild"'s Joe Francis has been ordered to get a little less wild ... in jail. Perhaps his fellow inmates will take off their jumpsuits for him. (sun-sentinel.com)

· So now a nude-but-not-really photo of the sister of an American Idol contestant that everyone hates anyway qualifies as a scandal? Doesn't anyone have drug-fueled hooker orgies anymore? (worldofwonder.net)

· The editor of Playboy Indonesia is suddenly no longer guilty of indecency. We guess they finally got around to reading the articles. (reuters.com)

· Strippers in Florida will now be allowed to get really nasty on stage. We might have to go and exercise some "artistic freedom" of our own. (orlandosentinel.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· Finally, a respectful tribute to Anna Nicole Smith. We always sort of knew that sculpture were the only thing marshmallow Peeps are good for. (intuitionkitchenproductions.com, via Boing Boing)

· Sunsilk model Aishika Chand is half Indian, halh Nepalese ... and looks totally great with no clothes on. (bollyrock.com)

· If you didn't make it to Las Vegas for the AVN Awards Show (or fell asleep during it), it's finally being broadcast on Playboy TV tonight. Spoiler Alert!: "Corruption" wins everything. (avn.com)

· This columnist says that trying to block online porn is like "playing a game of 'Whac-a-Mole'", which ironically enough, is also what happens after you find it. (mcall.com)

· In order to prove their value to the economy, Florida nudists will start paying for everything using only $2 bills. Of course, that doesn't change the fact that they still have nowhere to carry them. (wftv.com)

· McDonald's makes the mistake of letting anyone with an internet connection ask them a question about their business. Still no answer as to what's in the "Special Sauce." (theregister.co.uk)

· Meanwhile, another male teacher in Florida is busted for showing the full monty in ... "The Full Monty." It's not like he had a choice—it is right there in the title. (nbc-2.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

If you're as smitten with the delightful Dana DeArmond as we are, you'll find a whole lot more to love about her in this new interview at Bizarre Magazine where everyone's favorite porn unicorn talks about everything from her special talents ("I'm not one of those on-command squirters. I'm a random squirter") to earning pity dollars during her strip club days ("If you fall, throw up, someone steals your shit, then people feel bad and are like, 'Here's $50, sweetie. Don't cry. Stop vomiting on me'") to her favorite food ("Bacon is the chocolate of meats") and why she's known as the "porn unicorn" to begin with (long story)—as well as how she's coping with that recent house fire you may have heard something about. What you won't read about in the interview, however, is how she's accepted our offer to marry her and take her away to a secret tropical paradise where she will bear all of our children and live with us in blissful domesticity for the rest of our lives. (Oops, don't spread that around yet, OK? We haven't told her mom yet.)

· Dana DeArmond Interview (bizarremag.com)
· Dana DeArmond on MySpace (myspace.com, as if you didn't know already)

Previously: Naomi, Dana, and Mika: Almost Famous, Catching Up With Dana DeArmond, Dana DeArmond And the Curse Of The Fleshbot Video Interview, Dana DeArmond Needs A Hug (And A Place To Live), Porn Vegas Dispatch: Dana DeArmond Loves Us, Preview: "Dana DeArmond Does The Internet"