That's why watching Sin City's newest release, "Bubble Butt Cuties," feels like waking up to find someone rolled Christmas, Easter, the Superbowl, Nascar, UFC, Shark Week, Demolition Derby, Metallica, Fight Club, Quentin Tarantino, and Beerfest all into one! Now that's powerful!

What a piece of work is Ava Rose...and her extraordinary ass! How noble in reason! How infinitely breathtaking in expansion...like a stained glass masterpiece hanging in a solemn church on a cold winter's morning, the virgin's ineffable tears, or the way your heart feels like it's going to explode when a small child bursts into a hymn. In apprehension, how like a God? If you're starting to get the feeling that we are suggesting Ava Rose's ass is akin to having a religious experience, or better still, a spiritual epiphany, then you are finally getting it. Sexy Ava plays the fool for Dane "Baby" Cross who turns their playful back and forth into a white hot session, showing her some tough love just to prove he's the boss of that massive booty.

Aubrey Adams provides a grateful Cheyne Collins with a "Fuck-A-Gram," until he turns her sweet pink speed racer back into a purring kitty kat snatch. Kristina Rose taunts Nick Manning from a jail cell until he power fucks her sweet sphincter, raining down a tsunami of expletives and irrational catch phrases that seem to entrance her into an animal state of raw desire. Kirra Lynne tries to trick Jenner and steal his watch but ends up taking the A Train to brown town, and singing his praises the way ride.

In the end, it's Jayden James who owns this release. With curves this dangerous and cheeks so full and merry, she practically owns poor Eric Masterson, who has to come up with a ruse to bed her, and works harder than a sweatshop employee with no bathroom breaks to give Jayden the kind of 'hard dick and bubble gum', uterus hammering, drilling that is her birthright.

"Bubble Butt Cuties" releases later this month from DCypher and Mayhem. Check out this extremely exclusive gallery we shot on set just for you, our loyal readers....and trust us when we say we really hope you enjoy this set. Have a great weekend!

Kristina Rose and Nick Manning
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Kristina Rose and Nick Manning
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Kristina Rose and Nick Manning
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Kristina Rose and Nick Manning
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Kristina Rose and Nick Manning
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Kristina Rose and Nick Manning
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Kristina Rose and Nick Manning
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Ava Rose and Dane Cross
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Ava Rose and Dane Cross
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Ava Rose and Dane Cross
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Ava Rose and Dane Cross
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Ava Rose and Dane Cross
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Ava Rose and Dane Cross
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Ava Rose and Dane Cross
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Jayden James and Eric Masterson
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Jayden James and Eric Masterson
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Jayden James and Eric Masterson
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Jayden James and Eric Masterson
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Jayden James and Eric Masterson
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Jayden James and Eric Masterson
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Jayden James and Eric Masterson
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Jayden James and Eric Masterson
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)
Sin City Films (sincityfilms.com)

Which explains (in part) why they've released a four plus hour title starring some of your favorite cock gargling starlets, back when they were fresh and new and nearly factory sealed, their young hearts and vaginas still as indestructible like those famous plastic combs from our childhoods.

"Cum Fuck Them Young" is more than just a compilation video starring Bree Olson, Amy Ried, Ava Rose, Lacie Heart, Riley Mason, Audrey Bitoni, Carmen Kinsley, Chase Dasani, Krystal Jordan, Lindsey Meadows, Ruby Flame, Samantha Sin, and Stefanie Renee—it's also an invitation to recall those halcyon days of yonder, fleeting quickly into life's rear view mirror as we push ever further towards the great equalizer. It's one great big "carpe diem" shouted up into the face of the howling abyss, a double finger superhero salute to the darkness that threatens to strip all meaning away from this brief and wonder filled dream.

Is that too morbid? Welcome to the winter of our discontent. It's been a wild year, one where we lost too many we cherished. That being said, "Cum Fuck Them Young" is also a reminder to grab life by the tail, to chuck out that which is truly non-essential, and to embrace our animal instincts right here and now.

Seeing young and vibrant Ava Rose have her tight and tiny clam pried open again takes us back. Likewise, it fills the cockles of our hearts with joy to see a thin, bubbly Bree Olson get nailed in the ass—almost as if it is her very first time. With so many amazing starlets doing what we have grown to love them for, this release is like the "family-sized" value saver equivalent of a pornographic Costco—which is fine from time to time.

"Cum Fuck Them Young" releases next week from New Sensations. Check out this awesome gallery, exclusive to Fleshbot, then go out and seize the day!

Buy "Cum Fuck Them Young" (tlavideo.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Cum Fuck Them Young" (tlavideo.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Cum Fuck Them Young" (tlavideo.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Cum Fuck Them Young" (tlavideo.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Cum Fuck Them Young" (tlavideo.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Cum Fuck Them Young" (tlavideo.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Cum Fuck Them Young" (tlavideo.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Cum Fuck Them Young" (tlavideo.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Cum Fuck Them Young" (tlavideo.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Cum Fuck Them Young" (tlavideo.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Cum Fuck Them Young" (tlavideo.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Cum Fuck Them Young" (tlavideo.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Cum Fuck Them Young" (tlavideo.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Cum Fuck Them Young" (tlavideo.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Cum Fuck Them Young" (tlavideo.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Cum Fuck Them Young" (tlavideo.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Cum Fuck Them Young" (tlavideo.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Cum Fuck Them Young" (tlavideo.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Cum Fuck Them Young" (tlavideo.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Cum Fuck Them Young" (tlavideo.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Cum Fuck Them Young" (tlavideo.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)

Since our beloved superheroes, Ava Rose, Nikki Rhodes, and Monica Mayhem, are busy with their own Super Friends Fuckfest, we're going to need some fresh crime fighters to take their places. We don't really have the time for trust-building and demonstrations of superhuman feats; we can only judge heroes by their names. That's where you come in.

Turn yourself into a superhero, complete with alias, strengths, and weaknesses. When you run into the phone booth, who comes out? We promise not to reveal your secret identity. As a show of good faith, I'll let you know my alter-ego:

By day, mild-mannered blogger Ottimo Massimo trolls the internet for nudie pics... But at night, he is Massimorph: the mild-mannered blogger whose penis can transform into any sex toy on the market!

We're not going to force you to make the superhero name sex-centric, but this is Fleshbot, the name should be somewhat erotically-aligned. (And yes, you can present it in limerick form if you'd like.)

Post your entries in the comments section. Next week, we'll give our favorite hero or heroine a brand new copy of Girlfriend Vignettes, Vol. 1!

For now, we'll have to stave off next week's fantasy with last week's fixation.

As always, many thanks to everyone who entered; you all definitively proved your dedication to large breasts. The only exception would be Come a little Miroslav Klose You're My Kind of Man, whose declaration of admiration for miniscule mammaries will surely earn him a spot on the Itty Bitty Titty Committee (it was, nonetheless, a beautiful and moving speech).

Many props go to SexyHard for still repping the limericks, and also for pointing out that breasts are also enjoyed by their owners:

Lynn loves when I suck on her tits.
She cums when I nibble her nips.
They shake and they wobble
As I lick and gobble
Them up like two succulent clits.

But the grand prize goes to Beaker! All four of his haiku were grand, and you should go back and check the others out, but here's one that captures the overall tone:

The poker player
Is in a quandary now.
Two pair ... huge ... she wins!

Ah yes, large boobs do win. And so do you. Congratulations, Beaker! We'll be contacting you through your profile page to let you know how to claim your prize.

· Monica Mayhem, superhoney of "Girlfriend Vignettes, Vol. 1," via Be The Mask (bethemask.com)

· Buy "Girlfriend Vignettes, Vol. 1" (tlavideo.com)

But we do know that it comes out in January, and that—as mentioned above—it involves Ava Rose. Naked. And since that pretty much sums up what we need to be happy...well, January can't come soon enough.

· Oh my... (community.elegantangel.com)

· Buy "Wet Vignettes" (gamelink.com)

Popsicle Play

Studio: Abigail Williams Productions
Director: O. Cohen
Cast: Samantha Ryan, Nika Noir, Ava Rose, Nikki Rhodes, Jayden James, Ann Marie Rios

This movie is wet in the best possible way. The first scene has Nika Noir and Samantha Ryan work each other to a slow, screaming lather. They get wet, I get wet (which really isn't supposed to happen, I'm a guy), and it's literally raining on them the entire time. Sadly, a popsicle is missing from this scene, but there was a delightful, popsicle-colored vibrator in use.

Actually, the absence of popsicles was a bit concerning at times. Certain scenes—like Nika and Samantha's—could've used one, especially when the cover shows an intimate moment between the girls involving a Cherry Pineapple Big Stick. Ann Marie Rios has the only solo work in the film, and she is also missing a frozen treat. Then again, what she lacks in sugar, she more than makes up with seething. She masturbates like a schizophrenic, half-laughing/half-crying to the point of blazing orgasm.

On the other hand, I'm happy the popsicles were few. It makes them exciting! Jayden James and Nikki Rhodes start off their scene with some intense snack time: holding a Firecracker in her teeth, Jayden colors Nikki's nipples red. Then the girls double-team-deepthroat the ice lolly down to the stick. Have you ever wished your penis were a popsicle? You will.

But it's important to remember that the popsicle isn't a surrogate penis, and you shouldn't be projecting yourself onto unhealthy snacks. For one, you could never have intercourse because sugar is bad for the vagina and is prone to cause yeast infections (The More You Know!). Besides, remember what Belladonna taught us?

Second, it's ok to identify with girls in porn, even lesbian porn; accept your desire for both the active and passive roles! Really, when you're watching Darryl Hannah mouthfuck Ava Rose with a popsicle, and the camera is so close that you can read the joke off the stick, you'd be silly if you didn't want to be one of the girls.

Buy "Popsicle Play" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "Popsicle Play" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "Popsicle Play" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "Popsicle Play" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "Popsicle Play" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "Popsicle Play" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "Popsicle Play" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "Popsicle Play" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "Popsicle Play" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "Popsicle Play" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "Popsicle Play" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "Popsicle Play" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "Popsicle Play" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "Popsicle Play" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "Popsicle Play" (tlavideo.com)

Ava Rose and girlfriends go on a birthday adventure to Raven Castle, whispered to have been the home of a legendary vampiress. In flashbacks, we see dark, lush beauty Audrey Bitoni working her evil. Back in the present day, however, the party girls are having visions and finding clues hinting at the castle's bloodthirsty former inhabitants.

The reason "Vampiress" is worth watching is because the sex is candlelit and bodice-rippy, performed by dusky hippy beauties like Rose, Bitoni, Gianna Lynn, Raveness, and Amber Rayne (with the blonde Alexis Texas thrown in as a ringer).

But it is almost Eon McKai-level bad with mind-numbing dialogue and cougar vampire Raveness (from 1472, no less), bouncing between bad period dialogue and lines like "Work that fuckin' pussy, baby." The nail in the coffin is when we get to hear director Marcus London's stage directions ("Ava, turn your head this way"). In a way, "Vampiress" is comforting in that porn can still look the way people who've never seen porn think it does, based on everything they've heard.

Sadly, I did not see the boom mic.

I have had this movie on my To Do list since last year's Halloween Week collection, and am surprised it is still available for purchase. Like a vampiress, "Vampiress" should only be seen at night.

· The Vampiress (thevampiress.com)
· Buy "The Vampiress" (tlavideo.com)

The Vampiress (thevampiress.com)
Buy "The Vampiress" (tlavideo.com)
The Vampiress (thevampiress.com)
Buy "The Vampiress" (tlavideo.com)
The Vampiress (thevampiress.com)
Buy "The Vampiress" (tlavideo.com)
The Vampiress (thevampiress.com)
Buy "The Vampiress" (tlavideo.com)
The Vampiress (thevampiress.com)
Buy "The Vampiress" (tlavideo.com)
The Vampiress (thevampiress.com)
Buy "The Vampiress" (tlavideo.com)
The Vampiress (thevampiress.com)
Buy "The Vampiress" (tlavideo.com)
The Vampiress (thevampiress.com)
Buy "The Vampiress" (tlavideo.com)
The Vampiress (thevampiress.com)
Buy "The Vampiress" (tlavideo.com)
The Vampiress (thevampiress.com)
Buy "The Vampiress" (tlavideo.com)
The Vampiress (thevampiress.com)
Buy "The Vampiress" (tlavideo.com)
The Vampiress (thevampiress.com)
Buy "The Vampiress" (tlavideo.com)

Bree Exposed

Studio: Adam & Eve
Director: Andre Madness
Cast: Bree Olson, Ava Rose, Jenny Hendrix, Missy Stone, Charlie Laine, Danny Mountain, Anthony Rosano, Tommy Gunn, Mick Blue

Bree Olson only appears in two scenes! I know I'm being greedy, but I was hoping for more. Naturally, the quality of her scenes more than makes up for the quantity, as Bree is a powerful force in her respective segments with Anthony Rosano and Tommy Gunn.

Since Anthony has the first scene, you'd expect him to set the pace for the rest of the actors. While his unchained fucking certainly typifies the wild tone of the film, I wouldn't designate him the golden standard of "Bree Exposed." Mr. Rosano gets very, very sweaty. Like, just-got-caught-in-a-monsoon sweaty. Also, he finishes by jacking off on Bree's feet and I wasn't prepared for it. Maybe that's a good thing?

The following four scenes are also wet and surprising, but in different ways. Mick Blue brings Missy Stone to squirt before embarking on a long anal engagement. Then there's a lesbian intermission with Ava Rose and Charlie Laine involving a rather ornate but uncomfortable-looking chair. Next, Bree seduces Tommy with an oh-so sensuous booty dance. Finally, Jenny Hendrix and Danny Mountain use the only bed in the movie for some very intense reverse cowgirl action.

As hot as all of the performers are, I felt the sound was the sexiest part of the movie. One moment you're listening to Bree describe the prodigious veins of Tommy's cock (prodigious, by the way), and the next, you're eavesdropping on the whispers between Jenny and Danny. It really says something when you can enjoy a porno with your eyes closed.

The only thing that soured my audio love affair was the ambient music. Before every scene you're treated to either an Enya techno remix or Gregorian chant-break beats. A minor concern, but it causes me to wonder what overall feel Andre Madness wanted to impart.

The straight story is this: there are five hot scenes that stand out strong against any environmental oddities that may exist. With every new scene, you can feel yourself getting excited, impatient, and just generally happy to see the performers. It's that Christmas-morning feeling that can't be faked, and it comes from the talent and enthusiasm of the actors.

And that's why I want to see more of Bree Olson: you can stare at her for hours and it won't damage your retinas.

Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
Buy "Bree Exposed" (gamelink.com)
Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
Buy "Bree Exposed" (gamelink.com)
Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
Buy "Bree Exposed" (gamelink.com)
Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
Buy "Bree Exposed" (gamelink.com)
Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
Buy "Bree Exposed" (gamelink.com)
Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
Buy "Bree Exposed" (gamelink.com)
Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
Buy "Bree Exposed" (gamelink.com)
Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
Buy "Bree Exposed" (gamelink.com)
Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
Buy "Bree Exposed" (gamelink.com)
Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
Buy "Bree Exposed" (gamelink.com)
Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
Buy "Bree Exposed" (gamelink.com)
Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
Buy "Bree Exposed" (gamelink.com)
Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
Buy "Bree Exposed" (gamelink.com)
Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
Buy "Bree Exposed" (gamelink.com)
Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
Buy "Bree Exposed" (gamelink.com)
Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
Buy "Bree Exposed" (gamelink.com)
Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
Buy "Bree Exposed" (gamelink.com)
Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
Buy "Bree Exposed" (gamelink.com)

"I don't know," director Danny Case said on May 26. "Maybe putting 'Big Butt' in there is too much?"

But Variety is already calling the project BBOO, I thought. Don't change the name now...

The rooms of the rented Woodland Hills home were redolent of skin and sweat and oil that day as Ava Rose, Angelina Ash, Sophie Dee, Phoenix Marie, Lisa Ann, Kristina Rose, and Kagney Linn Karter tried gamely to only fuck on the areas where a tarp had been laid down.

Now, a short two months later, we have a DVD that gets almost clinically close to the action, with nary a frame that doesn't have some slicked and abundant piece of flesh in it, either by itself or encircling a hole.

The day unfolded just as the DVD does, with introductory shots of the cast members stripping and oiling alone, culminating in a slutty slip 'n' slide.

These women were writhing in oil and each other for hours. For you. I was there. The least you could do is look at them.

· 3rd Degree Films (thirddegreefilms.com)
· Buy "Big Butt Oil Orgy" (gamelink.com)

*****

Previously: Danny Case Unveils Porn's Next Big Thing With "Big Butt Oil Orgy"

This week, 3rd Degree introduces the world to that idea with the release of Danny Case's
Big Butt Oil Orgy." It's so brilliant, we almost can't believe that it didn't exist before.

No plot, no three to seven acts, no character arc—just that one idea, immaculately played out before our very eyes in every glorious detail our filthy imaginations can dream up, then captured perfectly, right down to the very last nook and delicious cranny.

With an amazing cast including Crossover MILF Lisa Ann, Sophie Dee, Ava Rose, Kristina Rose, Phoenix Marie, Kagney Linn Karter, and Angelina Ashe, Danny Case wins on concept alone.

We are certain that this is simply volume on—because we are praying that more (many, many more) are yet to come down the, um, pipeline.

"Big Butt Oil Orgy" releases this week from 3rd Degree and Danny Case. Check out our continuing coverage (by which we mean our hot gallery).

Previously: Lisa Ann at the Oil Orgy

Buy "Big Butt Oil Orgy" (gamelink.com)
Third Degree Films (thirddegreefilms.com)

Buy "Big Butt Oil Orgy" (gamelink.com)
Third Degree Films (thirddegreefilms.com)

Buy "Big Butt Oil Orgy" (gamelink.com)
Third Degree Films (thirddegreefilms.com)

Buy "Big Butt Oil Orgy" (gamelink.com)
Third Degree Films (thirddegreefilms.com)

Buy "Big Butt Oil Orgy" (gamelink.com)
Third Degree Films (thirddegreefilms.com)

Buy "Big Butt Oil Orgy" (gamelink.com)
Third Degree Films (thirddegreefilms.com)

Buy "Big Butt Oil Orgy" (gamelink.com)
Third Degree Films (thirddegreefilms.com)

Buy "Big Butt Oil Orgy" (gamelink.com)
Third Degree Films (thirddegreefilms.com)

Buy "Big Butt Oil Orgy" (gamelink.com)
Third Degree Films (thirddegreefilms.com)

Buy "Big Butt Oil Orgy" (gamelink.com)
Third Degree Films (thirddegreefilms.com)

Buy "Big Butt Oil Orgy" (gamelink.com)
Third Degree Films (thirddegreefilms.com)

Buy "Big Butt Oil Orgy" (gamelink.com)
Third Degree Films (thirddegreefilms.com)

Buy "Big Butt Oil Orgy" (gamelink.com)
Third Degree Films (thirddegreefilms.com)

Buy "Big Butt Oil Orgy" (gamelink.com)
Third Degree Films (thirddegreefilms.com)

Buy "Big Butt Oil Orgy" (gamelink.com)
Third Degree Films (thirddegreefilms.com)

Buy "Big Butt Oil Orgy" (gamelink.com)
Third Degree Films (thirddegreefilms.com)

Buy "Big Butt Oil Orgy" (gamelink.com)
Third Degree Films (thirddegreefilms.com)

Buy "Big Butt Oil Orgy" (gamelink.com)
Third Degree Films (thirddegreefilms.com)

Buy "Big Butt Oil Orgy" (gamelink.com)
Third Degree Films (thirddegreefilms.com)

Buy "Big Butt Oil Orgy" (gamelink.com)
Third Degree Films (thirddegreefilms.com)

· Buy "Masturbation Nation #3" (tlavideo.com)

Santa Monica cops checked invitations, true, but after that the uniforms became far more sparse. Try high heels, wings or horns, some glitter, and nothing else.

Nina Hartley, Sunny Lane, Ava Rose, Alexa Jordan, Savannah Stern, Jenna Brooks, Kayden Kross, Maria Bellucci, and dozens of other porn luminaries mixed and mingled in this latest in Hustler's five-year family reunions. This one was held at the Santa Monica Airport, which allowed Larry Flynt to be taxied in in his jet.

I didn't know it until later, but longtime Hustler photographer/director Richard Monfort (nom de porn: Richard de Montfort) had died about a week before. This party would have been right up his alley, especially since the "Heaven" and "Hell" sides of the room seemed to keep changing sides. But he especially would have appreciated the familiar, family atmosphere of the event, hard as that might be to explain when you've got Ava Rose in her altogether.

It's also hard to tell what the road to either destination is paved with when you can't stop looking at Sunny Lane. But no one said it was easy.

So Happy Birthday, Hustler, and a fond farewell, Richard.

· Hustler (hustler.com)

In addition to headliners Ava Rose and Alexis Texas, Elegant Angel has also recruited Pinky, Cherokee D'Ass, Kelly Divine, and Rachel Starr to take their asses into battle. Man...this could get ugly. In the best possible way, we mean.

· Buy "Battle of the Asses" (gamelink.com)

Oh, who are we kidding. This video has us so excited, we can't control ourselves. Seriously, we're on the verge of selling our firstborn child to get a copy of "Big Wet Asses 15." We might even sell your firstborn child (so you might want to watch out, kids.)

· "Big Wet Asses 15" Trailer! (community.elegantangel.com)
· Buy "Big Wet Asses 15" (gamelink.com)

...and below, why we wouldn't want to live there.

Why is Joanna Angel reading my copy of "Jaws"? I don't know. Why not? 3,000 bucks buy a lot of roast.

Here's Nicole Ray saying Hello, Fleshbot Readers. Holy God.

Ashley Fires, barefoot and on fire, wins the Miss XBiz Summer Forum. Chim-chiminee.

Scarlett Fay and Nicole Ray increase Hutler's visibility.

Ava Rose is oiled and ready. Aren't you? I am.

We're not entirely certain what that portends, but one thing we do feel safe predicting is that fans of the big ass genre have plenty to love about this release.

Naomi, Tia Sweets, Ava Rose, Lorena Sanchez, Riley, Richelle Ryan, Nikki Kane, Sunny Lane, Jessica Lynn, Alexis Texas, Sarah Vandella, and Kirra Lynne comprise the cast of this master tribute to phat ass goodness—so pretty much any way you slice it, you're going to find something that you love.

We were particularly amused by Tia Sweets's gorgeous young bubble, as was her partner Mr. Pete, judging from the shit eating grin emblazoned across his grill.

The rest of the cast is hot and in their prime, including a fresh faced, blond Ava Rose, the early Naomi with her magical anal wiggle, ripe and ready Alexis "Goddamn!" Texas, and fresh off the bus Sunny Lane. Pound for pound, this may be the best the series has to offer to date.

"I Love Big Butts 6" comes out on the 8th—but you can live Sir Mixalot's dream right now by checking out our sneak cheek gallery.

Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "I Love Big Butts #6" (gamelink.com)

New Sensations (newsensations.com)

That's Scarlett Fay and Nicole Ray in an upcoming Lindsey Lohan v. Scarlett Johansson project that Hustler is putting together. I wish it were ba "Mean Girls"-meets-"Ghost World" sort of thing, like "Mean Ghost," but it's not. Oh well. I'll watch it anyway.

Oh, the "Big Butt Oil Orgy." I'll have those pictures in my head and those smells in my nose for months. Think again if you ever thought porn was easy. Imagine walking through baby oil that sluiced off the likes of Ava Rose, Lisa Ann, Kristina Rose, Sophie Dee, Kagney Linn Karter, and Angelina Ash (and that's lucky bastard Mr. Pete over there, too).

It presents an impossibility: You can hardly walk erect but everything around you compels you to do so.

Back to Nicole Ray, here she is with Lucky Bastard #2, Chris Charming. And his Bastardito.

Finally, what says Fun more than a booze-up at Hollywood's Viper Room with the Tom Hanks of Porn, Evan Stone?

The full press release:

GIANNA MICHAELS AND AVA ROSE SHOOT 1st ANAL SCENES FOR BIG WET ASSES 15!

Big Wet Asses, the winner of AVN's coveted Best Anal Themed Series award for 2006, 2007, & 2008 is back!

Elegant Angel is delighted to announce that porn superstar, GIANNA MICHAELS, stars in the 15th edition of the critically acclaimed series, performing in her very 1st, highly anticipated anal scene. Former contract girl, and current big butt superstar, AVA ROSE, also performs in her 1st anal scene in the movie. They both appear alongside a stellar collection of industry leading lights, including the spectacular Mia Rose, MILF superstar Julia Ann, and the beautiful and passionate Kimberly Kane.

Big Wet Asses 15 is the first edition of the series to be shot in 1080p High Definition. The movie will be released on DVD and Blu-Ray in a Collector's edition 2 Disc set full of extensive extras including extended BTS, a series retrospective, and multiple bonus scenes. The DVD will be released with innovative special packaging that will be a 1st for Elegant Angel. The release date is scheduled for the end of June.

Gianna performs in her 1st anal scene with former male performer of the year Michael Stefano. Ava Rose stars in her 1st anal scene with Mr Pete. Mia Rose and Julia Ann both feature, respectively, alongside Manuel Ferrara. Kimberly Kane performs in her scene with current male performer of the year, James Deen.

"It really went amazing," said Gianna. "I was so nervous at the beginning because I had never done anal on video before. But, it went so smoothly, and I had so much fun. Michael Stefano is great so I knew it would be an awesome scene. We all just had a really great time."

Director, William H. was delighted with this volume of Elegant Angel's flagship series: "Our goal from Big Wet Asses 9 onwards was always to make the next volume even better than the previous one. With each edition it becomes more of a challenge. But, we went all out for Big Wet Asses 15, and listened to who the fans wanted to see. Every scene was excellent and overall I think its one of the best Big Wet Asses ever. Gianna's anal scene isn't like your typical 1st anal scene. It's very hardcore and features lots of ATM. Julia Ann's scene with Manuel is possibly the best ever in the entire series. The passion and intensity of that one really blew me away."

· Elegant Angel (elegantangel.com)

"That's a working title," said Case. "Not everyone here has a big butt."

But Lisa Ann, tan from a post-birthday vacation in Hawaii, was especially callipygous in a fuschia bikini, preparing to oil and be oiled by the likes of Ava Rose, Phoenix Marie, Kristina Rose, Angelina Ash, Kagney Linn Karter, and Sophie Dee.

"I'm not sure I'm going to be able to stay in one place," Lisa Ann said.

That's the point, of course, so everybody wins!

If web 3.0 technology could only convey the smell of 26 bottles of baby oil slathered across our nation's finest porn stars as they wrestled atop crisp Target sheets, well - I suppose people like me would be able to start making money on the Internet again...

"Big Butt Oil Orgy" (or, at least, something with "Oil Orgy" in the title that happens to feature Porn Valley's Juiciest sliding every which way) comes out this summer.

· 3rd Degree Films (thirddegreefilms.com)

· Belladonna's 'Road Trip' Debuts with Cabin Fever (avn.com)
· Photo Gallery (avn.com)

We're not sure quite what you'd call it, but it certainly seems to be doing something. Anyone know where Ava received her medical training? Cause we might have to start getting treated by one of her classmates—it looks like they have the exact cure for, uh, whatever it is that's ailing us these days.

· Buy "Hello Nurse" (gamelink.com)

· Elegant Angel box cover shoot (twitpic.com)
· Ava Rose's Twitter (twitter.com)

In honor of all the ladies who've avoided the bleach bottle and stayed true to their roots, we've put together a roundup of a few (though most certainly not all) dark haired girls who really get us going.

. . .

Gabriella Fox (Image courtesty of Digital Playground)

Roxy DeVille

Ava Rose

Regan Reese

Luna (nextdoormania.com)

Audrey Bitoni

Adriana Sage (morazzia.com)

Posh (suicidegirls.com)

Apnea

Maria Ozawa

*****

Previously: Fleshbot Requests Archive

Rumor has it that the owner of New Sensations/Digital Sin, Tyrone Shoes, made a decision early on in his career in commercial pornography—for fun and for profit—to only use male dick props that defied conventional standards. In layman's terms, Mr. Shoes showed the male actors possessing abnormally large dicks the door, lensing only those rare freaks of nature who possessed genitals of such disproportion that it was hard to stop talking about them. In our humble estimation, given today's post, we'd say it worked. A veritable Costco of porn, Tyrone's operation buys in bulk and passes the savings on to you.

"Monster Meat 14" illustrates this point with a graphic flair and obvious pride not commonly seen in the downward race that passes for industry standards as of late. While scenes that feature a slender, young, dishwater coiffed Ava Rose heartily taking the full Monty belie the newness of the release, marginalizing yet another "new" DVD to compilation status, the caliber of the cast bears strong witness to the quality of the prurience available within those shiny folds.

Newly anointed Fleshbot Crush Object Shawna Lenee earn her stripes by taking one of the fattest black cocks we have ever seen (really!) up her tiny pink hole. Mind you, we've only played gynecologists in the past, and obstetrics is merely a hobby we indulge in with girls we pick up after closing at the Drunken Clam, but we feel fairly confident in our assessment that this thing is bigger than a baby's arm! We don't think we've ever seen her that full, or that happy—just for the record.

Add Alex Divine, Brooklyn, Evelyn Lin, Skyy Cherry, Emma Ray, Alicia Tyler, Katerina Kat, Ahryan Astyn, Britney, and Laylah Diamond and you've got over 4 hours of orifice expanding that will leave you in a state of breathless wonder.

"Monster Meat 14" thrusts it's throbbing way all the way out into the world this week, so we hope you're ready for it.

· New Sensations (newsensations.com)

Like the bar game, Adam & Eve's photo hunt gives you two seemingly identical (and incredibly hot) photos; your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to spot the five differences (should you choose to simply ogle the hot photos, well, that's okay too). Intrigued? Try your luck with these stills from "Roller Dollz." Can you spot the differences?

· Adam & Eve's Erotic Photo Hunt (adameve.com)

But, in another way, "Romona" is difficult because it is one of those movies that is so wordy at times that the only way one can remember it's a porn flick is because 1.) well, come on, the acting, and 2.) because one is at all times wanting to see the people who currently have their clothes on with their clothes off.

We are happy to report that in this movie Ava Rose does not repeat Eddie Albert's mistake; she ditches the duds.

. . .

· Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
· Buy "Shades of Romona" (gamelink.com)

Lest you thought you were watching yet another reason for the mothballing of Guantanamo Bay, the mass ass-presentation of (from left) Ava Rose, Bobbi Starr, Bree Olson, Trinity Post, and Mika Tan to the cruel whips of Nina Hartley and Claire Adams that led this story was in honor of the release of "O2: The Surrender of O."

Here Adams scandalizes the proper Hartley with some ribaldry.

At the Webmaster Access West convention, an annual get-together of Internet nerds who happen to own the porn industry, The Internet's Ashley Steele poses with two eskimo girls from the affiliate program Flashcash. Who cares if she can't see Russia from her house?

Then Bobbi Starr returned at Hollywood's Golden Apple Comics to launch Nerdcore's 2009 calendar (she's Miss November). As you can see, here she is attempting to fist the Silver Surfer.

Finally, we caught geektrix extraordinaire Justine Joli trying to leave the city of Los Angeles. "If you try to keep me," she did not say, "you never really had me."

Director Ernest Greene and his wife, Nina Hartley, set the tone in full S&M regalia—along with nearly the entire cast, who were custom swathed in alluring and color coded latex from infamous fetish designers courtesy of Syren. Next to the legendary Nina Hartley, was Bree Olson, eagerly tending to the guests every need. (And we must say, Bree did an excellent job of replacing newly retired Carmen Luvana.) Bree was joined by costars Ava Rose, Bobbi Starr, Claire Adams, Mika Tan, Evan Stone, and Tommy Gunn.

Dana DeArmond, Jenny Hendrix, Veronique Vega, Aiden Starr, Satine Phoenix, and a virtual wash of new, blonde porn stars lined up against the media wall to have their pictures taken while Master Liam, Master Aaron, Master Joseph, and other L.A. bondage scenesters came out to pay their respects to Greene, almost as if he were the Godfather or the vampire Lestat. Throughout the evening, several small spanking and bondage sessions ensued—to the delight of the swelling but oh-so-exclusive crowd.

The evening culminated with a lusciously movable feast of tits and ass being paraded onto stage for a roll call, immediately followed by the one and only Mistress Claire Adams performing a grand spanking finale (one we won’t soon forget). It comes as no surprise to us that, after such a wild evening of incendiary action, Los Angeles burned to the ground the next day. Really, we're just left with one question: does the delightful Miss Olson also play fiddle?

· Buy "The Surrender of O" (gamelink.com)

. . .

Ava Rose: From "Bree and Sasha"

Stoya: From "Stoya Video Nasty"

Last Week's Winner: Jenna Haze

*****

Previously: Extreme Pornstar Showdown Archive

Image of Stoya courtesy Digital Playground

O2: The Surrender of O

"We hate to be wet alone," says Marie (Nina Hartley) of her new, incorrigible slave O (Bree Olson). "(But) we don't punish because they're bad, we punish because it's fun."

In the rarefied world of O2, director Ernest Greene's "fan fiction" updating of characters from Anne Desclos' "The Story of O" (and the sequel to 2006' O: The Power of Submission), everything requires permission and everything has rules. But the consequences are supposed to be fun.

So what happens in a D/s relationship when things aren't fun anymore?

Before we get to that, let's talk about Bree Olson and Carmen Luvana.

In the original, former Adam & Eve flagship contract star Carmen Luvana played the title character as Carmen Luvana herself is; a steely, no-nonsense sweaterminx who was all machine-crafted porn-star curves. Olson inhabits the role in a far-more cushiony way. It is easy to believe the sub in her. In fact, as the stern (but fair) Hartley and the Amazonian Sheridan put O(lson) through her paces, hanging her upside down, smacking tantalizingly close to her most secret places, O looks like a delicious and yielding piece of dough beside the two more angular ladies.

"You don't have to see the first one to get the story," director Greene says. But I get the feeling Adam & Eve would like you to. The first movie made a lot of money and still brings in a fair amount of cash each month, which is unheard of for a porn movie from two years ago (which is a much better way of saying "a two-year-old porn movie").

The sequel finds our heroine still in love with the man she left behind, having even lasered off his tattoo from her tramp stamp area. But can she keep away? And will Marie be her enabler?

O is a sexual tourist, a servant of many masters, and the story of O is what constitutes fidelity in the master/slave relationship.

Marie and Mistress Nicole (Nicole Sheridan) are co-dominatrices in a clean industrial space to which O has hied herself to begin masturbating without permission. And this is not allowed.

So the movie opens with this zesty little scene in which Olson is nothing but a willing plaything to Marie and Mistress Nicole. And this is fine. BDSM purists will love it as will fans of Hartley, Sheridan, and Olson, each of whom represents a body type characteristic of the generations of Porn in which she started.

But after her workout, Olson and Hartley start talking (Sheridan has been dispatched to In-n-Out Burger, where she will return with a bagful of Double Doubles that the ladies will wrestle in for the O sequel in my mind). As in real life, Hartley as Marie plays an impish mentor, suggesting to O that her "maintenance doses" of whupping might not be enough to scratch O's itch.

"Why don't you come up to the house?" says Marie.

The house! If there had been a budget for it, we would have flashed back to 2006 and the strange events at The House, a full-immersion "lifestyle" chateau in which masters, mistresses and their servants live their roles unfettered by aspects of common living like phone bills, nosy relatives, and Jehovah's Witnesses. It was here that O's character was swapped between the imperious Steven and his tragic brother Ray, and where O broke Steven's heart.

The house!

O swallows her fear and makes the drive, and in a quick montage sequence that would have made Stephen J. Cannell rethink his career, she gets herself gussied up for the experience, removing underthings, self-shackling handcuffs, etc.

At the house, O meets Rita (Mika Tan) and Regina (Kayden Kross), who let her know that Marie is the prime mover in the operation, not the fellows whom she lets think are in charge.
"It's a quite profitable business," Regina says. "For us."

But wouldn't that make me a whore? we hear O thinking.

"Don't even say it," Rita says.

Now it's time for more sex. For someone who so clearly looks like the late-model porn star, Kayden Kross sure works hard for her money. Unlike Olson, who looks the part of a welcoming sub, the porn-glamorous Kross must convince us that she really likes what she's doing, and she does this in a post-shaving interlude with Erik Everhard. She and the Canadian Everhard engage in some cross-border trucing that is all about the north/south reconciliation and not about fisheries.

But things are going tough for O. Not only is Steven downstairs making Tan and Ava Rose do terrible, wonderful things, but his prodigal half-brother Ray (Tommy Gunn) also just checked in. O is distraught, and Rita dutifully runs to tell Marie, after Rita and O share a tearful girls' moment in the tastefully appointed swingers' lavatory. It's a goddamn henhouse with buttplugs in there.

"Oh, poor O," says Marie when Rita tells her the news, as if Marie couldn't have prevented all this potential heartache. (Like God, a dominatrix always wants to take the credit for the good times, but when things go south, it's all about your personal responsibility.)

Anyway, after watching O endure encounters with both cold Steven and hapless Ray (the brothers have a scene together - in which they talk - where I almost forgot I was watching a porn movie, save for Kayden Kross' ass), puppetmistress Marie orchestrates a reconciliation between O and Steven. She even gives the soon-to-be-couple a ring with the inscription "Freedom is deciding whose slave you want to be."

At this point I was wondering "what gives you the right, Marie?" when O said those very words on screen.

"I don't," says Marie. "But, like everything I have in life, I took it."

So not only does O2 illuminate and glorify good D/s relationships as healthy partnerships between thoughtful people, it also validates Marie's unsettling compulsion to meddle. This domme is topping from the side.

All in all, that's a lot to think about while lubricating your apparatus.

While now and then a performer seems to struggle with the lines he has been asked to deliver, my only real problem with this movie is that it looks like it deserved more money. Normally with porn movies it's the other way around; they are playing at "mainstream" production values but lacking the skill to pull it off. O2 had the skills but, with only five days to shoot what could have been a month-long indie project, it was like having to watch Lawrence of Arabia on a little black and white TV.

Regardless, as a sex film, as a lifestyle documentary, and as a flesh-packed, English-language telenovela, O2: The Surrender of O is, like its predecessor, another porn movie that transcends its genre. Remember: Come for the Nina, stay for the Bree.

Studio: Adam & Eve
Director: Ernest Greene
Cast: Bree Olson, Kayden Kross, Tommy Gunn, Evan Stone, Nina Hartley, Ava Rose, Trinity Post, Mika Tan, Bobbi Starr, Erik Everhard, Jerry, Claire Adams, Marco Banderas, Nicole Sheridan

Review by: Gram Ponante

· Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
· Buy "O2: The Surrender of O" (tlavideo.com)

Round One Roundup:
Belladonna vs. Sasha Grey
Gianna Michaels vs. Alexis Texas
Joanna Angel vs. Dana DeArmond
Faye Valentine vs. Penny Flame
Ava Devine vs. Ava Rose
Jenna Haze vs. Jesse Jane
Mika Tan vs. Stoya
Bree Olson vs. Eva Angelina

So hat better time for Adam & Eve Pictures to present us with Andre Madness’s newest release, "Bree and Sasha," which deftly blends the sheer orgasmic poetry of AVN’s Best New Starlet Bree Olson with the sexual complexity and existential angst of AVN’s Performer of the Year Sasha Grey? The girls plow through piles of deliciously velvety pink goodness, swimming the proverbial Sapphic backstroke in the juices of knockout beauties such as Lexxi Tyler, Lisa Neils, Angie Savage, Samantha Ryan, Sophia Santi and the insatiable (former) contract star Ava Rose. The end result is some of the best girl on girl action we’ve seen in a while, which, uh, caused us hours of delay in prepping this post.

Like peanut butter and chocolate, Bree and Sasha are two great tastes that taste great together. "Bree and Sasha" is available this week.

· Adam and Eve (adameve.com)

Ava Devine
Ava Devine trying different dicks (pornhub.com)

Ava Rose
From "Carolina Jones and the Broken Covenant"

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Last Week's Winner: Penny Flame

*****

Previously: Extreme Pornstar Showdown Archives

. . .

Why "Roller Dollz" (which I have seen) is as good as, if not better than, "Pirates 2", (which I have not yet seen):

1. The stakes aren't as high. While "Roller Dollz" is a bigger-than-usual production, comprising two DVDs and employing the financial, creative, and boobular resources of two porn companies (Adam & Eve and Zero Tolerance) it, like most other porn movies, was written, produced, and released in less than three months whereas "Pirates 2" has been advertised for more than two years and is reputed to cost upwards of $500,000, most of which will go to special effects shots. In the end, both are just porn movies. Worse, there is no way that the effects on "Pirates 2" will look half as good as the effects fans expect from the least Hollywood escapist movie, nor will the acting or script be above reproach. When a porn movie positions itself to be like a mainstream movie, it invites comparison. "Roller Dollz" doesn't say it is anything other than a porn movie, and therefore more than meets my expectations.

2. It's got Sunny Lane in it.

A movie about the lives and loves of rival roller derby gangs, "Roller Dollz" delivers the flesh spectacularly, on wheels no less. Bree Olson, Kayden Kross, Ava Rose, Courtney Cummz, Penny Flame, Teagan, Eva Angelina, Alektra Blue, and Lane look great when shimmying out of their pads and blades, and just as often leave them on.

Don't get me wrong - there is a plot, but I would be doing you a disservice as well as a disservice to the memory of a delightful sex film by trying to describe it. It's unimportant. And it doesn't get in the way of the reason anyone would watch this movie in the first place, which I think in this unfortunate age of vying for porn awards shows remarkable restraint.

All the big stars (Kross and Olson in particular) look lovely and are given lots of screen time, but it is Lane who reminds us that there is a reason she has stayed famous in the adult business for longer than the average starlet's career expectancy.

With plenty of outside shots of millennial Malibu and the joy of watching eight girls in a rollergangbang on a Glendale parquet floor, "Roller Dollz" will drain your ball bearings.

- Review by Gram Ponante

. . .

RollerDollz
Studio: Adam & Eve and Zero Tolerance
Director: James Avalon
Cast: Bree Olson, Kayden Kross, Sunny Lane, Ava Rose, Penny Flame, Alektra Blue, Tommy Gunn, Teagan, Courtney Cummz, Eva Angelina

· Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
· Zero Tolerance (zerotolerance.com)
· Buy "Roller Dollz" (gamelink.com)

"Moan where it hurts," suggests Rose to Marco Banderas, grunting in an Iberian delirium. Pinpointing the source of distress, she proceeds to soothe the fuck out of it.

In fact Banderas, who just moments before had been an incoherent and immobile mess, soon regains his strength enough to pay off his hospital fees - with his parts!

"You must be feeling a whole lot better," Rose notes at the end.

"Oh yeah," Banderas says, having learned English in his recovery.

· Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
· Buy "Hello Nurse" (gamelink.com)

. . .

Costumes:
Even though she's pictured in the trademark fedora on the cover, Ava Rose's Jones generally opts for the topless look, eschewing the Indy's customary leather and khakis for a more breezy, summertime feel. You never know when a quick costume change might help you slip into a particularly well-guarded tomb.
Advantage: Carolina

Tools:
Indy uses his trusty whip for just about everything, while Carolina, oddly enough, opts for a boomerang with which she pummels aggressive suitors.
Advantage: Indy (But only because you can't swing over a pit of snakes with a boomerang.)

Sidekick:
In "Temple of Doom," Indy adopted Short Round, a small, wisecracking Chinese boy with a funny voice and a wisdom beyond his years. In "Broken Covenant," Carolina adopts Dixie (played by the adventurous Bree Olson), a buxom, wisecracking Southern girl with a funny voice and a wisdom beyond her years. (Sample advice to her companion. "You've got a pussy, dont'cha? Use it or lose it!") Short Round distracts guards by running between their legs. Dixie just fucks them.
Advantage: Carolina (Duh.)

Villains:
Never trust shady European treasure hunters with white hair! Indy is haunted at every turn by dirty Frenchman René Belloq, then turncoat Walter Donovan, then Soviet minx Irina Spalko who wants to mind rape everyone in America. Meanwhile, Carolina is seized by a crazy old coot who nearly kills her and her friends in his backyard. However, none compare to Arnold Toht, the evil Gestapo agent who is both creepy and psychotic, burning the key to the Well of the Souls right into the palm of his hand without missing a beat. Fortunately, each one of these people eventually get their faces melted off.
Advantage: Indy

Evil Henchmen:
Bad guys in all the movies employ an army of faceless olive drab clones who are either German, Russian, Nazi, or all of the above. Carolina's pursuers can also be spotted driving leftover Soviet trucks, so all your evil empire bases are covered.
Advantage: Draw

Femme Fatales:
Nikky Blond (as Helga) bears a striking resembles to "The Last Crusade"'s Alison Doody, though she dies much earlier. But what a death it is, coming shortly after a boning session down in the catacombs.
Advantage: Carolina

Accents:
We're not sure which was more forced—Bree Olson's high-pitched southern drawl or Cate Blanchett's fussy Russian dominatrix. But Bree is just so adorable, we can't possibly knock her down.
Advantage: Carolina

Gruesome Fates:
Besides the spiked dildo to the head above, the most striking parallel between the two films is that both "Crystal Skull" and "Broken Covenant" feature a scene where the bad guy meets a horrible end at the tiny claws and teeth of ravenous, man-eating fire ants. Not a good way to go. Having honey poured on your cock before they devour it is just adding insult to injury.
Advantage: Carolina

Treasure:
Carolina is also on the hunt for the Ark of the Covenant; the very same artifact that made her dad famous. (Yes, you read that right .... Carolina is Indy's daughter! And much better behaved than her greaser brother, if you ask us.) Papa comes to the rescue to save the Ark and his brood, which is a little disappointing, because we think Carolina could have handled herself just fine. Just like the last time, foolish people pay for messing with the Ark and the Jones family, although the aforementioned face-melting still makes us cringe to this day. Advantage: Indy

Sex:
Indy is a legendary cocksman, bagging lady friends from Nepal to Vienna to Shanghai. Carolina, however, does not follow in his footsteps. In fact, she's only had sex with one man in her whole life! He was a suave treasure hunter who broke her heart and left her unable to love. (That's why his penis gets eaten by ants.) The tables are turned however, when "Crystal Skull" finds Indy settling down with his baby mama while Carolina finally buries her man troubles (literally!) and makes up for her lack of sexual experience in a big way.
Advantage: Like you have to ask?

And the winner is ... Only one movie this summer will give you action, adventure, treasure, and a sizzling hot anal threesome. We think the choice is clear.

· Adam & Eve's "Carolina Jones And The Broken Covenant" (official film site @ carolinajonesxxx.com)
· Order: "Carolina Jones And The Broken Covenant" (Adult DVD Empire)

* * * * *

Previously: Ava Rose In "Carolina Jones And The Broken Covenant" (Yes, That Was Quick)

Of course, being an adult awards show, there was much more going on everywhere but the stage. Still, we made sure to watch now and then, seeing as how we're voters. See our gallery (now fully captioned!) after the gap.

. . .

· XRCO Awards (xrco.com)

· Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
· Buy "Tease" (gamelink.com)