Lingerie maker Myla has the answer: their Christmas shopping website offers you a choice of three very eager (and very scantily clad) personal shoppers, each of whom guides you through the selection process with a handful of questions...and then happily models your final selection, to give you an idea of what it'll look like in person.

If only we could get service like this in the store...we'd never shop anywhere else.

· A Present from Myla (apresentfrommyla.com)

· Maison Close (maison-close.com)

. . .

· "Pads" (YouTube, via notcot.org)
· Rubber55 (rubber55.co.uk)

It's also digitally connected, can call up and eject your favorite discs at the push of a button, and can even password protect the discs you don't want prying eyes to see. (What it doesn't do, sadly, it play any of these DVDs on your TV. Nobody's perfect.) If you find that you need this level of space-saving security, then this gadget could be the answer. Also: bless your dirty little heart

· Disc Manager 100 (discmakers.com)
· See also: DVD Disc Manager 100 Keeps Your Adult DVDs Safe (Gizmodo)

There's a lot to love about the Odyssey Tickler. It's cute, quiet, and relatively cheap, and, for a vibe that runs on two AAA batteries, it has a pretty powerful motor. There's also the matter of the Tickler's... ticklers. As a fan of the Nubby G's nubs, I was really excited for some tickling action - and, happily, the Odyssey Tickler delivered as promised. Depending on your anatomy, you may have to wiggle the vibe around a bit to unlock the magic of the tickling. But hey, with a toy like this, the journey is half the fun.

But despite its charms, there was one problem I just couldn't ignore. Unlike its more complicated cousins, the Odyssey Tickler has just one button. If the vibe is off, pressing the button turns it on. If the vibe is on, pressing the button increases the vibration speed - unless you're at the third (and highest) vibration speed, in which case pressing the button shuts the vibe off. Which, in the heat of the moment, can really suck. Imagine grooving along to some really great fantasy, only to accidentally or absentmindedly press that button and shut everything down.

Yeah, it's kind of a buzzkill. Much as I enjoyed the Tickler, I think I'll be sticking with the Nubby G from here on out.

· Buy the Babeland Odyssey Tickler (babeland.com)

· "25 sexy times at home" (cribcandy.com - thanks Sturtle)

Manufactured by Nob Essence (the same company that brought us the Fling), the Flip is a beautifully handcrafted curved wooden toy, carved into a set of graduated beads.

So how does the Flip shape up? Quite nicely, actually. The beads start small and work their way up, allowing the user to control the intensity of the stimulation. New to butt play? Stick to the shallow waters. Anal expert? Take the plunge, and bury the Flip to the hilt!

In addition to its pleasurably beaded body, the Flip features a curved form for prostate stimulation. Sadly, as a prostate-free female, I can't offer too much comment on this feature. Though I'm sure it would feel quite wonderful if I had a prostate to stimulate, I actually found that I preferred rotating the toy so that the hook of the curve faced towards my back. Maybe it's a girl thing.

Lovely though the Flip is, it's not the best toy for those who like to leave a butt toy in for an all day (or at least several hour) treat. For one thing, the beaded shape makes the toy hard to grip and keep in. For another, the large rounded handle, though quite convenient when maneuvering the toy, leads to a limited range of motion. To put it bluntly: it's kinda hard to sit down when there's a large wooden ring sticking out of your ass.

Like the Fling, the Flip is coated in Lubrosity, a fancy coating that makes it chemical/bacteria-resistant, waterproof, and hypoallergenic—and it's phthalate-free. Didn't quite catch that? The important thing to remember is that it's easy to clean, won't get ruined by water (or your butt), and is compatible with all lubes.

A note for the adventurous girls out there: It is possible, if a bit tricky, to use the Flip and its sister dildo, the Fling, for some double penetration action. You know, if you're into that sort of thing. Don't say I never taught you nothing.

· Buy the The Flip (babeland.com)
· Nob Essence (nobessence.com)

But then I learned about phthalates, and suddenly the Nubby G's jelly rubber skin seemed far less inviting. Sure, I could always be safe and put a condom on it - but somehow, it just wasn't the same. I abandoned the Nubby G and went in search of other toys, hoping that I'd find one that could compare - and wouldn't raise my risk of a nasty disease.

A few weeks ago, my prayers were answered: Babeland announced their new line of toys, and I was pleased to see a new, thermoplastic rubber Nubby G listed among their offerings. But my excitement quickly turned to doubt: could this really be as good as the classic Nubby G? Would it live up to my memories? Would it make me come as hard and as frequently and as well?

In a word, yes. The Babeland Nubby G lives up to its promises: once I got my hands (and other parts) on it, I couldn't put it down. The Nubby G's magical abilities were every bit as stimulating as I remembered: my G was rubbed, my clit was nubbed, and my legs were quickly shaking in ecstasy.

I'm older, wiser, and a bit more experienced than I was when I discovered the original Nubby G, so its shortcomings are more apparent to me now: as a battery-powered toy, it doesn't rock as hard (or as long) as some of the rechargeable toys I've become acquainted with - and yes, it is aggravating when the batteries die in the middle of a particularly hot jack off sesh. But given its many other charms (and bargain basement price!), I'm willing to overlook that. The Nubby G will always have a place in my heart ... and one right by my ladyparts, too.

[We originally reported this toy as being made of silicone. It is actually made of thermoplastic rubber. Our apologies for the mistake.]

· Buy the Babeland Nubby G (babeland.com)

· Top 67 Naughty Ads - Sex Sells (trendhunter.com, via shakewellbeforeuse.com)

There were four parts to my kit: a Babeland massage candle (to get things warmed up nice and naturally), a bottle of Emerita OH Warming Lubricant (to keep the heat going), Mamba condoms (to keep you from getting, uh ... you know), and, best of all, a Laya Spot vibrator (for when you need a little extra kick). All products in the kit (with the obvious exception of the Laya Spot) are all-natural, with no animal testing or animal-derived ingredients.

I started off my evening with the massage candle, lighting it with the Babeland-branded matches that came with the kit. (A nice touch, I must say.) As the scented soy wax heats up and melts, it transforms into a warm massage oil. Though the oil felt nice at first, it quickly became sticky, leaving a less than sexy residue on my skin.

Next I checked out the lube. As a girl with a bit of experience in the fine arts of handjobbery and butt fuckery, I consider myself something of a lube snob: too often, artificial lubes are too thin, dry out too fast, or just taste really bad (an important consideration if you happen to switch to some oral action after you've lubed up your partner's privates). Surprisingly, Emerita was none of these things. It had a pleasing thickness, lasted quite a while, and tasted pretty good (at least by lube standards). Though I was hesitant about the advertised warming action—apparently generated by cinnamon bark—it turned out to be surprisingly pleasant, if a bit shortlived. During sex, the warming action fizzled out pretty quickly; though it was certainly nice while it lasted. [Note: Though my Eco-Sexy kit came with the OH lube, Babeland's website advertises the kit as coming with Emerita Natural Lubricant, so you might end up with a slightly different configuration.]

As for the Mamba condoms, it's nice to know that the non-profit that produces them is "15 times more stringent" about their testing than any other condom company in the world, they were, well, condoms. The latex was non-irritating, they didn't break, and really, that's all there is to say about them.

Finally, the clear crown jewel of the kit: the Laya Spot vibe. Small yet sensuous, the Laya Spot conforms to your curves while fitting into the palm of your hand. The easily accessible controls, which fall right under your fingers when your hand rests on the vibe, allow you to guide your body through six levels of vibration, as well as three distinct pulse patterns. For something so small, the Laya Spot rocks quite hard—I had no idea two AAA batteries could produce so much power.

A note to the phthalatephobic: the Laya Spot is made of elastomer, a soft, hypoallergenic material that's phthalate-free, and an excellent alternative to jelly rubber. However, it's important to remember that elastomer is slightly porous and cannot be disinfected so, nice as this toy is, it shouldn't be shared with any friends (no matter what they told you in kindergarten about sharing.) The Laya Spot is waterproof and can be cleaned with soap and water.

Overall, I was pleased with the kit. The products are high quality and complement each other nicely. Whether you're looking to spice up your next Earth Day or just make your love life a bit more organic, the Eco-Sexy kit is a great way to green your bedroom.

· Buy the Eco-Sexy Kit (babeland.com)

Read more after the gap.

We would be turning this five-year-old web enterprise into an awkwardly-coded php Fibfest if we said we actually found someone to test this thing. But rest assured we will spend the rest of our lives trying, and will provide you with pictures.

But for now let's imagine the possibilities of this device, which couldn't even fit in the cabinet that we lock our unmentionables in so that the cleaning staff won't know what we do for a living. You can use the Doubleteamer to:

• Stir large drinks
• Attach an Obama or McCain placard
• Mutually masturbate - with a vengeance - two girlfriends
• Use as a pestle in the world's sexiest pharmacy
• Sit next to you at Thanksgiving dinner to ensure an uninterrupted meal

While we are sure there are other, larger double dongs out there (they're called trees), none is so imperfectly frank as the black and white models of the Doubleteamer, nor are any as easily confused with an instrument of God's wrath. Put that in your vagina^TM.

· Rascal Doubleteamer (channel1releasing.com)
· Topco Sales (topcosales.us)

Patrick says she was inspired to create her own intimate apparel line because it was hard to find quality stuff that would fit comfortably on her 36-DD figure. We realize that there are plenty of you who think she shouldn't have bothered since that 36-DD figure of hers looks even better when it's not covered up, lacy frills and plunging décolletage notwithstanding. But hey ... she's not a noted entrepreneur for nothing, y'know.

· Mistress Couture (mistresscouture.com)

Like the Curve, the Delight has an S-like shape that makes it easy to stimulate both the g-spot and the clitoris, and an angled handle that makes playing by yourself a breeze. Even better, the vibrator controls are located at the top of the handle, easy to reach (and operate) no matter how into the action you may be.

Speaking of the action: Um ... wow. Babeland's website says that the Delight has thirty-two different vibration patterns, I lost count somewhere between rapid, short pulses and long, staggered humming. But no matter what fancy pulse pattern the Delight was set to, one thing remained consistent: it vibrated good and hard. Far harder than I would have expected from such a slight toy, in fact, which left me very pleasantly surprised.

To get the most out of the toy, do yourself a favor and read the manual. As a plug and play girl, I just jumped right in, and almost missed out on many of the vibration cycles that aren't as obviously accessible (a slight amount of push button cloak-and-dagger work is required to find them).

Unlike most vibrators, the Delight is rechargeable, which means you get to enjoy cord-free, battery-free vibration (about an hour and a half of it, to be precise). To charge the Delight, simply place it firmly in its (very stylish) carrying case and plug the case into the wall. If it's charging, the controls will glow red; once it's fully charged, the glowing will stop.

The Delight is a combination of water-resistant plastic and silicone: hard plastic for the handle and motor casing, silicone for the parts you're actually putting in your hoohah. It's splashproof, not waterproof, so while it is okay (and highly recommended) to wash the toy with soap and water before and after each and every use, it's a very bad idea to submerge it completely. And, as with the Curve, water-based lube is a go, silicone-based lube is not.

The only downside? Much as I enjoyed the bumping and grinding and pulsing and shaking of the Delight, I still found myself longing for the slightly larger girth of the Curve. But maybe I'm just a secret size queen.

· Buy the Delight (babeland.com)
· Lovely Vibrator Design Leaves One Full of Delight (Boing Boing Gadgets)

* * * * *

Previously: Martial Aid Test Kitchen Archive

. . .

Just Getting Started

If you've recently met someone, you already know that starting a relationship around Valentine's Day can be a little tricky: on one hand, you want to let your love (or lust) interest know that you like them, but on the other you don't want to risk getting carried away with the whole hearts and flowers routine and scaring them off. So you need a gift that's sweet and cute enough without being too, like, intense.

So If you're just getting to know your date, you'll want to keep it safe — and what's safer than chocolate? Babeland's Bliss Truffles are a tasty little treat, with just a hint of naughtiness to let your special someone know you're looking to take things to the next level.

Starting to explore the sexy side of things, but not quite sure how far you can take it? Give your partner a copy of Ellen Forney's "Lust". Loaded with illustrations of ads from The Stranger's adult personals, it's a great way to open the door for discussing different kinks you might be interested in exploring. And remember: if your would-be partner seems creeped out by anything you come across, you can always pretend you meant it as a joke.

If things are really starting to heat up, you might as well fan the flames with a good old fashioned game of Truth or Dare. The delightfully named Thrusti Kicki Grabbi offers an updated version of this classic that's sure to get things hot and heavy. Bbut you don't have to take our word for it: it's sex blogger approved!

. . .

(Still) Happy Together

Of course, Valentine's Day should always be special whether it's your first, or fifth, or fiftieth one together. But after the first few times round the bend, things can get a little stale: after all, there are only so many different ways to say "I love you", and even fewer ways to say it with flowers. If you're dreading yet another round of the same old same old, check out a few gift ideas to make sure your big night is anything but ordinary.

Sometimes a change of location is all it takes to get things going again - and if it's a change of location that happens to come with sex toys, even better! This Valentine's Day, check in to New York's Bryant Park Hotel and be sure to check out their sex toy room service menu brought to you by the Pleasure Chest. Sure beats anything else you'll find lurking in the minibar. (Except maybe the Toblerone. We love Toblerone).

If a new location isn't doing it for you, maybe you need a few new tricks up your sleeve. So treat yourself and your partner to some adult education. Whether you're brushing up on your blowjobs, shaking your tassels or shooting your own porn, you'll be sure to pick up some skills that will, in fact, bring the sexy back (as teh kids are all saying these days).

Or maybe you need some outside influence to help heat things up. If you're too shy for the swing clubs and too, uh, real for Real Dolls, why not try some good old fashioned porn? Fleshbot crush object Jamye Waxman's "Toying With Pleasure" could be just the assistance you need: couples-focused porn that manages to both educate and titillate, it's a great way to ease into a hot night at home.

At Home Alone

Think Valentine's Day is for wankers? You're right! You may not have a special someone else, but it's still the perfect day to celebrate the most important person in your life: yourself. Start the evening out right by taking the time to relax and show yourself that you still care: light some candles, slip into a bubble bath, and let yourself unwind. And once you're all loosened up ...

Sure, you could just spend the evening with your old pal Rosie Palm (and her five sisters) - but why not make tonight special? If you're feeling a bit spendy, spring for JimmyJane's Little Platinum Eternity: nothing says "I love (to touch) myself" quite like platinum and diamonds. Can't afford the real thing? There's always the Velvet Jewel Vibe, which we hear is just as good. And for the boys: give your hand the night off and let the Fleshlight do the work. Or at least invest in some decent lube. You'll thank yourself in the morning.

If you're more into porn than toys — or believe that one just isn't as much fun without the other — look into some quality wank material to get things going. "Upload" didn't win all those awards at the AVNs this year for nothing, you know. For boy on boy action, Lucas Entertainment's "Gigolo" hits all the right spots. Sure, treating yourself to a new porn DVD is a little more expensive than finding something on Fleshbot to fap over for free, but it's Valentine's Day ... don't you deserve the very best?

Though it looks a bit odd—phrases like "sea monster penis" and "Gonzo's dick" come to mind—an initial test drive showed that the Curve is definitely built for pleasure. Its bumps and lumps hit all the right spots, and the curved handle (get it?) makes it easy to rock back and forth, allowing you to find just the right angle for maximum enjoyment.

I realize that there may be unbelievers out there—those among you who cannot possibly imagine a dildo that could ever match the experience of your favorite vibrator. To you I say: I was like you once. Then I spent time with the Curve and about eight hours (and countless orgasms) later, I was finally able to pry it out of my hands and get back to work.

Yes. It's that good.

There is one down side to the Curve's design—what works well for solo play can lead to awkwardness in the hands of a partner. Though the handle makes playing alone ever so easy, its angle is a bit too sharp to be comfortably maneuvered by another person.

Other details to note: the Curve is made of silicone, which means it can be easily washed with soap and water, and—if you're good about cleaning—can be used as both a vaginal and anal toy (or shared with a trusted partner). For the best experience, we recommend using lubricant. The toy comes with a sample pack of Fun Factory Toy Fluid lube, but any water-based lubricant will do the job just fine. (Remember to avoid silicone-based lubricants, however, as these will destroy the toy and make you cry tears of salty regret.)

· Buy The Curve (babeland.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Martial Aid Test Kitchen Archive

· The Knicker Picker (knickerpicker.com, via Bad Girl's Hotbox)

· Auction Diva Fashion (auctiondivafashion.com, red bustier via ebay.com)

Previously: (The Return Of) AuctionBabez, Babeway Auctions, Eros Bids, Used Panty Portal

· Boy Toy Dolls (boytoydolls.com; also spotted @ Otomano)

Previously: Sex Doll Rental Offers Service With A (Fake) Smile, Milky Lovers: Japanese Sex Doll Brothel

If you gave yourself five seconds to think of the quintessential American attachment-free intercourse fantasies, chances are you would list the massage parlor geisha, the truckstop prostie, the super groupie, and the "urban" dive bar stripper.

With Backstage Betty, Truckstop Trixxxie, Shanita Buck, and (this one was a stretch) Kum Inmee we have a reeally admirable starter group of western fantasy objects that have wisely skirted porn stereotypes/Halloween costumes like Asian Schoolgirl, Porn Star, and Dominatrix.

These four get us in a product line state of mind. What about Racy Housewife? Repressed Librarian? Lesbian-til-Graduation?

The dolls themselves, which retail for about 25 bucks each, are high in entertainment value. The Backstage Betty comes with a guitar, Kum Inmee sports a little pink outfit and characteristic hairpin, Shanita's got her some fishnets, and Truckstop Trixxxie (if only JT LeRoy had been so believable) has a half-bathrobe and hotpants.

But, like the Lovin' Ladyboy, which is also in this series, the dolls are as cheap as the characters they represent, so don't build a shrine to them behind your elderly mom's house.

· Cheap Sex Dolls (sensualadviser.com)
· Topco (topcosales.us)

* * * * *

Previously: MATK Archive