- - -

"No batteries? No twirly things? Nothing shoots out of it?" asked my volunteer, dismayed. We'll call her Miss Dade.

"No, my pet. It is simple, " I said. "Pioneer Lady simple."

I regretted saying this, because we'd both just finished reading the same Donner Party article.

Our massager was of pink glass and, as you can see, was considerably smaller than this barbecue spatula.

"That's a relief," said Miss Dade. She's been to our barbecues.

After cleansing the simple knobbed device with a liquid antibacterial soap and patting it dry with a cotton towel (I'd advised Miss Dade to arrive as filthy as possible), our experiment began.

"Glass scares me," Miss Dade said.

"But this is Cyberglass," I replied. "So even though it is advertised as 'hand-blown', you can be comforted that they were robots' hands."

Because Adam & Eve's artisans are only responsible for having created Carmen Luvana, the company licenses all its novelty products. So the Pink Indulgence Massage Wand still said "Cyberglass Hand-Blown Massager" on the package. This is like how the Humane Society puppy that I'd named Crackers still answered to Daisy.

"I don't believe you," she said.

"Packaging doesn't lie," I said.

This wasn't the type of toy with multiple speeds and hard-to-find batteries. Instead, the crescent-shaped dildo had four distinct swelly parts, one of which tapered to a point and one which was bumped with nubs. Bumped with Nubs would get all the ladies if it was a band that played at, like, Syracuse University.

Angling the tapered end into Miss Dade's vagina (there were no instructions on the packaging so we assumed the thing we'd been assuming since no earlier than our eighteenth birthday, which was "best to start with the vagina"), the subject, after uttering a court-ordered "I wish it was you, Gram" was well-pleased, especially during Swelling Three, aka "The Nubbed One".

After several increasingly successful insertions and extractions, Miss Dade was sent home with the merchandise. We have not spoken since.

· Pink Indulgence Massage Wand (adameve.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive