While the Form 2's ears made it rabbit-like in appearance, the Ina is a rabbit in a more metaphorical sense: unlike the Form 2, it is a dual stimulation (aka "rabbit" vibe)...but in appearance, well, it bears more resemblance to some sort of cactus than a fuzzy little bunny.

But, of course, it's much more pleasant than a cactus would be on the lady parts. Ina's sleek, smooth contours felt great on my bits; and I greatly enjoyed the many pulse patterns offered by the toy. If you're familiar with Lelo toys and Lelo quality, you should know what to expect here: it's a solid, well designed piece of machinery that'll keep you happy all night long.

However, there were some road bumps to my experience with Ina. The first came early on: Ina's smaller prong (the one used for external stimulation) is in a relatively fixed position. While it's flexible enough to bend back a bit, it may not be enough to accommodate all body types. Ultimately, it was fine for me—but if you prefer your external and internal stimulators to have a good deal of distance between them, this may not be the toy for you.

Secondly, the external and internal stimulators do not have separate controls. The Ina's four buttons control all parts of the toy simultaneously, whether they're turning it on, turning it up, or cycling through a few rocking beats. If you like your clit to rock as hard as your gspot, then carry on—but if you want to be able to switch things up between the two areas, another toy might suit you better.

True, the rabbit vibe is a classic toy—but it's always nice to see the classics get reinvented (like when Baz Luhrmann shot "Romeo and Juliet"!). Ina's one great take on dual stimulation...and we can't wait to see what other sorts of remixes the future has in store for us.

· Lelo (lelo.com)
· Buy the Ina (babeland.com)

I feel that, if one is cum-hungry, it behooves one to be a cocksucker. This way you avoid the value-sapping middleman of a goblet or felching. In "13 Cum-Hungry Cocksuckers," Gracie Glam and others go right to the source.

"I like sucking dick. Who doesn't?" says Glam before leading a troupe of 12 others (each to her own day, I'm thinking) up and down one lucky guy's schlong.

Glam is tiny and amicable, just the type of person to make anyone's cock look big and, even though it's someone else she's attending to in the movie, she has some coded language for you:

"I hope you like watching me Essing the D, baby," she says.

· Madness Pictures (madnesspictures.com)
· Buy "13 Cum Hungry Cocksuckers 10" (gamelink.com)

Madness Pictures (madnesspictures.com)
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A bright red sheath encasing (what else?) a bullet vibe, the Finger Tingles looks a bit like a very ineffective bottle opener. But trust me: with a little know how and maneuvering, this toy should have no problem popping your cork.

To use the Finger Tingles, simply slip your finger of choice (index finger, middle finger, someone else's finger...whatever) through the hole, and press the vibrator's button to activate. Voila! You should immediately notice some tingling...in your finger. No, there's nothing wrong with you: the toy's sheath is, in fact, conducting the bullet's vibration into your finger.

Most of you have probably figured out what happens next, but if you're feeling a little slow today, I'll happily explain. Using your (vibrating!) finger, proceed to stimulate yourself as normal. Yes, your finger just got that much more powerful.

But wait! There's more: move the Finger Tingles all the way down to the base of of your finger, and you now have the ability to do oh so much more with that little digit. For instance, slide it inside yourself, with the vibrator pressing against your clitoris and labia. Yes, that is what we call double stimulation (eat your heart out, rabbit vibe!).

The Finger Tingles is a wonderful example of how effective simple, good design (and your very own finger!) can be. My one complaint? It's only available in one size. Much as I liked it, it felt a little large and unwieldy in the palm of my hand. Then again, my hands are (more or less) the size of a child's...so that probably won't happen to you.

· Buy the Finger Tingles Vibrator (goodvibes.com)

Consider the best porn movies which are, let's say, a concerted effort between performers, videographers, and directors to get you off. The RealTouch adds yet another participant to your masturbation's open marriage: a hard-working haptic encoder.

The RealTouch device is slightly bigger than that squash you devoured yesterday, and far more interesting to put your penis in. Opposite your penis, a USB cable connects the RealTouch hardware to your computer where, logged in to your account at RealTouch.com, you can access hundreds of scenes specially coded for use with your new conversation starter.

Starting with an ever-increasing library of straight, gay, and even anime P.O.V. videos, RealTouch's North Carolina-based programmers then assiduously mark, frame by frame, each movement of (for example) Tori Black's mouth, adjusting for heat, wetness, friction, and ferocity, sending these routines to two opposing conveyor belts within the machine. Ditto Tori's hands, ass, and vagina.

Unlike other marital aids in which the user actually has to do more work to operate them, the RealTouch is particularly eager to please. You select a video and put your dick in a machine. Science and your own self-control do the rest.

"I just stood there," one test subject said. "It really did all the work for me."

One drawback of the RealTouch is that it is not yet Mac compatible. So I farmed out the job of testing the device and its web interface to three PC users. Top of the list of my review criteria was not to tell me how weird it was.

"Look," I said. "We know it's weird."

Initial web setup and login to the RealTouch account were simple, followed by a Windows Media-based software download that was considerably less difficult than a WordPress install. Our review model made a whirring sound and one subject was tentative about making a penile approach to it.

"I didn't know if I'd come back," he said.

But they were Heroes, and each on different occasions tried videos with Tera Patrick, Ashlynn Brooke, Tori Black, Bree Olson, and Jenna Jameson, noting that Bree used up a lot of lube.

The belts work in conjunction with heating coils, a lube reservoir, and a simple adjustably tight seal (but haptics don't care how big you are). Is one hole different from the other? The belts squeeze tighter and the coils heat hotter when you're in Bree's ass.

Cleaning, refilling, and transporting this machine require, as you'd imagine, a commitment, but not one our test subjects, each either happily married or otherwise partnered, minded ("but watch out for leaks," one said).

What I find fascinating about the RealTouch is that someone in Charlotte was focusing as intently on Jenna Jameson or Lisa Ann (or dozens of other actresses) as you would be, dropping coder's keystrokes in anticipation of your eventual loads.

So, even though masturbation is a personal experience, the RealTouch proves that it takes a village to jerk you off.

· RealTouch (realtouch.com)

JimmyJane is referring to the Form 2 as a rabbit vibe (and given its resemblance to a certain Sanrio character, it's not hard to see why). But don't be fooled: this isn't the Rabbit Pearl you're dealing with. The Form 2 is a world away from the toy that was the toast of the "Sex and the City" set.

For one thing, the Form 2 is for external use only. But don't think that the lack of dual stimulation is a failing: the Form 2 may not do everything, but what it does do, it does very, very well. The two ears (which can stimulate the labia, envelope the clitoris, and whatever else your dirty little mind imagines) are each powered by their very own motor...the better to vibrate as hard as possible, of course.

And there's also the matter of the controls. The Form 2 is graced with three little buttons: a plus sign (to turn vibration on and up), a minus sign (to decrease vibration and turn it off), and a squiggly line, which takes the toy through different pulse patterns. It's a simple, intuitive set up, and it works very, very well—even in my orgasm addled state, I was still easily able to navigate my way through the pleasure cycle.

But that's not all! The Form 2 is completely waterproof (for bathtime fun), and—and this really excites me—it's impossible to overcharge it. Yes, leave your toy sitting on your charger overnight, if you like; it'll still be good as new in the morning.

In the past, I've had my issues with some of JimmyJane's products, but the Form 2 might just be enough to turn me into a true believer. I'm eagerly looking forward to Form 3 and 4...I can't wait to see what the future holds.

· Buy the Form 2 (jimmyjane.com)

J-Girls Dress Up Fantasy

Studio: Third World Media
Cast: Miku Hayama, Mayu Yamaguchi, Natsuki Luima, Seira Radno, Makoto Amano

Review by: Gram Ponante

Not too much, really, but that's not the point: the costume does not define the person. Even though the trepidatious Miku Hayama and Makoto Amano are dressed as saucy French maids, they quiver and weep at the attentions of their scene partners.

And Mayu Tamaguchi, done up as the standard schoolgirl, actually behaves in a scholarly fashion rather than flouting the outfit in the way her Porn Valley sisters would.

Seira Radnu mixes and matches various Western military outfits, and she and Natsuki Luima actually appear to be having fun as their very enthusiastic and earnest Nipponese helpmeets maul and paw them.

The giggly Luima is my favorite of this bunch, though her scene in spotted pajamas is over too soon.

· Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
· Buy "J-Girls Dress Up Fantasy" (tlavideo.com)

Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
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Fortunate, s3py at Nudography is one of the people was dying to see "Shauna Sand Exposed." And he saw it! And reviewed it! And as a result, people who care about this sex tape get to read about it, and we get to continue not watching it. And everybody wins! (Even Shauna Sand, who's definitely gotten the requisite publicity from this.)

· Shauna Sand Sex Tape Review (nudography.com)

Last year, we were presented with the very praiseworthy SaSi from Je Joue, which turned the idea of what a sex toy can do completely on its head: instead of vibrating or penetrating, the SaSi's primary stimulation comes from moving pressure created by a small nub on the toy's underside. Now LoveHoney has their own innovative toy: meet the Sqweel, a rotating wheel of ten pink rubber tongues.

The idea behind the Sqweel is relatively simple: as the wheel rotates, the pink tongues flick against the clitoris (or nipple, or penis, or labia, or...you get the idea) one after the other after the other (and so on). The idea is to simulate oral sex—though I have to say, most of my partners have had an oral repertoire that was more extensive than simple tongue flinging.

That's not to say that the Sqweel isn't awesome; because, well, it feels pretty darn great. The soft tongues create a very nice feeling, and were easily able to get me off—obviously, the most important test in any sex toy.

However, the Sqweel can be a rather temperamental toy. For optimal results, it must be held just so: when I attempted it press it into my parts to increase the stimulation, I found that the tongues completely stopped spinning—likewise my attempts to clutch the toy between my thighs for hands free fun (I eventually got this to work, but it took some strategizing). But don't be discouraged by any initial struggles: when you do get it work just so, the resulting feeling is well worth the effort.

One criticism, though: despite LoveHoney's claims, I would not classify this toy as "easy to clean," purely on the basis that in order to clean the toy, you must first disassemble it. Sure, the disassembly is a mere two steps—but that's a whole lot more work than it takes to just rinse off any of my other toys.

Of course, none of my other toys house a wheel of ten divine, spinning tongues—so I guess it's just a trade off I'll have to live with.

· Buy the LoveHoney Sqweel (lovehoney.co.uk)

Teenage Babysitters

Studio: Powersville/JM
Director: Jim Powers
Cast: Katja Kassin, Kacey Jordan, Otto Bauer, Tara Lynn Foxx, Tanner Mayes, Yasmine Gold

"You think you can tease my husband?" says the severe deutscheMILF Katja Kassin to hapless nanny Kacey Jordan in "Teenage Babysitters." "You don't even know how to suck dick!"

One feels that this couple, who imported Jordan from a place where she had to take a plane to start her job, wasn't really interested in a babysitter at all.

This oddly dark and scattershot movie from prolific director Jim Powers is preceded by ads for his websites teenyboppercockgobblers.com and wetmilfholes.com, anticipating the action to come, which involves the almost 40-minute first scene between narrator/star Kassin, Otto Bauer, and Jordan, and a similarly Teutonic outing with German starlet Yasmine Gold, Jay Lassiter, and Tanner Mayes.

Perhaps to avoid any confusion with cheery titles like Digital Playground's "Babysitters," Powers' movie features a layered, somber synthesizer soundtrack like in an 80's noir. Kassin's German commands are fun, as are Otto Bauer's near-constant mugging, but the movie does not seem to know what kind of porn movie it wants to be. Fun and zany? Dark and ironic?

In any case, it's fun to watch, especially a scene with Tanner Mayes looking troubled, which is her signature expression.

We're glad that the "Teenage Baysitters"' youthful charges are all implied, because the sight of Mayes, Jordan, Gold, and Tara Lynn Foxx flouncing around the house might be detrimental to their development.

· JM Productions (jerkoffzone.com)
· Buy "Teenage Babysitters" (gamelink.com)

Enter the Hiney Can. Literally. From either end!.

This ingenious product features a "Fanta Flesh" vagina on one end and an anus on the other, stuffed into a tube that resembles a Heineken can. Until now, I don't think a mere marital aid has ever trumped the experience of making the sex with a real human, but you have to admit that the Hiney Can eliminates the middle woman, until the expression "too drunk to fuck" loses all meaning and disappears up itself; you are fucking Drunk Incarnate.

Get me a fuckable Jagermeister bottle and Heidi Fleiss a fuckable meth lab and we are never leaving Nevada again.

· Hiney Can (tengashop.com)

For the most part, the Freestyle is very similar to the original OhMiBod, in that its a vibrator that syncs to the sounds of your music (or, if you prefer, works as a normal vibrator—but where's the fun in that?). But there's one key feature that makes the Freestyle a winner: unlike its predecessors, the Freestyle won't leave you tangled up in wires.

In previous incaranations, OhMiBod's toys always plugged directly into the iPod. While the long cord made the situation workable, it was hard to ignore the fact that you were, literally, tethered to your iPod—a situation that could make things a little tricky, especially during partner play.

The Freestyle, on the other hand, has no such limitations. Rather than plugging the toy into the vibrator, one merely has to plug a transmitter into the iPod, which wirelessly transmits the vibrations to the Freestyle. It's a small change, but one that's greatly appreciated—and greatly improves the experience.

However, the toy wasn't quite perfect: much to my disappointment, the Freestyle abandons the wonderfully curvy shape of the NaughtiNano, opting instead for a Slimline-like body. It's okay and all—but it would be nice to see a wireless iPod vibe with a more body-friendly shape. (I also have fantasies of a very tiny Freestyle that can be tucked into the panties for discreet play in public—but maybe that's just me.)

I'd also love it if some future version of the Freestyle would enable the user to skip through songs using the toy alone. See, because the cord-free nature of the Freestyle gives me such freedom, I've taken to plugging my iPod into my speakers, and enjoying the beats from all the way across the room. And sometimes, well, I'd like to be able to switch a song without actually getting up and going to the iPod. But, uh, maybe that's just me.

Anyway: when it comes to iPod-synced vibes, the Freestyle is easily the pinnacle of achievement (for now, at least). And I, for one, look forward to enjoying many, many wireless orgasms for years to come—or at least until they come out with the next, even better model of this toy.

· Buy the Freestyle (babeland.com)

The Bottoms-Up Butt Silicone P-Spot Rocker (Now in Ice), distributed by Topco, is quite a beautiful piece of functional art, the kind of thing that unsuspecting guests might not immediately recognize as a sex toy (the way they did your six-foot Chewbacca with the strategic holes).

But caution is the watchword before inserting anything this beautiful and New Power Generation-ish into your backside, fellas. We farmed this out to a willing test subject, who said:

"This stimulated my perineum and my prostate simultaneously. All it took was a little effort."

People with small children may want to send them out of the room for the next part.

"But the P-Spot Rocker-Ice's color isn't conducive to repeated uses, as it tends to reflect where it's been. Still, it's a great little toy."

...and a (w)hole lot better than putting a slew of Andrew Wyeth's Helga paintings up that way.

· Topco Sales (topcosales.us)
· Buy the Bottoms Ups P-Spot Rocker (tlavideo.com)

The Contour Q is actually a set of two ceramic stones—one bumpy, one ribbed—that are shaped like small spheres with with small protrusions on either end (I'm not exactly sure where the "Q" came from). Used individually, or paired with the larger Contour M, they're designed to provide a deep, targeted massage, hitting the body's pressure points in just the right way.

But let me tell you something: my favorite pressure point to target with the Contour Q is quite a bit aways from my back. Yes, I'm quite partial to using the Contour Q for clitoral stimulation (and though it may not be explicitly discussed in their PR materials, trust that this is most definitely something that JimmyJane intended).

I'm not quite sure what sort of voodoo is involved, but rolling the Contour Q (either one!) back and forth against the clitoris feels just marvelous. And while I'm sure they're good for other massages too, well—let's just say I've been a little too preoccupied to find out. But hey: the clitoral stimulation alone is well worth the $25, right?

· Contour Q (jimmyjane.com)
· Buy Contour Q (babeland.com)

Made of a velvety hard plastic, the bumpy toy feels sleek against the skin—always a nice sensation. With its arched head, it's perfectly positioned to rub up against a girl's gspot; the small bumps lining the top of the head feel great when they come into contact with the, ahem, outer areas.

But I found myself wanting to feel the whole toy inside me—and, alas, here is where I was stymied. It looked like it should go in just fine, but whenever I attempted this feat, I found myself out of luck. More persistent (or more flexible) penetrators may have more success with this than I did (and if you do, please report back).

And what, you ask, about the vibration part of this vibrator? In terms of intensity, this is a mid-range toy: it's no powerhouse, but it's charged enough to make an impression. Depending on your mood, you can increase or decrease the vibration by turning the dial at the base of the toy. (Don't be expecting any fancy pulse patterns, though—this is a strictly entry-level toy.)

I wouldn't say that the Cloud 9 took me to Cloud 9—but I did get somewhere in the range of Cloud 7 (and maybe even 7.5!). Not the best marital aid known to man; but then again, at a mere twenty bucks, it offers up a pretty respectable experience.

· Buy the Cloud 9 (babeland.com)

A double-ended glass dildo with a slight bend in the center, Athena is a wonderful choice for any lady in search of a sleek, sexy toy that'll hit the gspot just right. The solid glass body has a decent heft that creates both a feeling of fullness and a good amount of pressure in just the right spot—and the two different heads offer the user a bit of choice about how much girth she'd like to play with. Isn't it nice to have choices?

A note for the worried: no, you won't have to worry about the Athena shattering inside you. Yes, it is glass: but it's very, very dense and sturdy (and if you have Kegel muscles that are capable of shattering it—well, we definitely want to know your pubic fitness regiment).

Because Luxotiq is a thoughtful company, they include a cloth to wipe down your Athena with, post-use. Once it's all nice and shiny, you can put it back in it's fancy sateen-lined case—or hey, even leave it out on the coffee table. It's so pretty, you'll probably get compliments on your fancy new sculpture.

· Buy the Athena (babeland.com)

Measuring a mere 4" long, and 1.5" in diameter, Angel is a toy on the smaller end of the spectrum—but one that packs a decent punch when it's up and running. Stimulation-wise, it's a pretty good toy: the slight shape easily navigates the girly parts, and its curves are capable of hitting all the necessary areas.

But, alas, it didn't leave me blown away. And, interestingly, the size was the culprit—though not for reasons you might think. It wasn't that it didn't feel good: it was that, with the control buttons located at the bottom of the small shaft, I found that I kept inadvertently turning the vibration up and down while in the process of trying to pleasure myself: a frustrating situation, to be sure.

Unfortunate, really because it could have been so good. Alas, another toy destroyed by an ill-conceived interface design.

· Buy Angel (babeland.com)

Armed with only a single spoon, four bottles of lube (in Dulce de Leche, Chocolate Orange, Mojito Peppermint, and Pomegranate Vanilla), and a video camera, we took a chance and taste tested the lubes. Our findings in the video at left.

· Buy Babelicious Lube (babeland.com)

Rather than striving to create toys that do as many things as humanly (machinely?) possible, JimmyJane creates products that do a handful of things—and do them really well. Case in point: their signature Little Something vibrators, which offer much, much more than meets the eye.

I admit, I was not particularly impressed when I first laid eyes on a Little Something (in my case, a Little Platinum). It was just, well, little. And smooth. And straight. It didn't conform to my ideas about what a really good sex toy should be.

But then I actually learned about it, and my opinion started to change.

Here are a few of the things I like about the Little Something:

It lasts forever. Okay, maybe not forever, but a really long time. Years, definitely—and once the motor finally kicks, it's easy to remove and replace.

It's powerful. Not Hitachi Magic Wand powerful, but incredibly impressive considering it's powered by a single AA battery.

It's superquiet. Surprisingly so—a definite plus (especially if you happen to have roommates, or just don't like getting distracted by the whine of a motor).

It's bodysafe. The metals in JimmyJane vibes are sterilizable, with no toxic chemicals to mess things up. And, even cooler, it can be used anally as well as vaginally—just run a string through the holes in the cap, and you've got a toy that won't get lost up in there (and remember to sterilize after!).

It's pretty. Granted, that's what JimmyJane is known for, but it's still worth mentioning.

So, with all that in mind, I sat down to test the Little Platinum. And I was impressed. It was a far, far more interesting toy than I'd initially given it credit for: subtle, yes, but still pleasurable and fun to play with.

And, okay, some bells and whistles would have been nice: but the Little Something definitely impressed. What it lacks in fancy features, it more than makes up for in stability and lastingforeverness—and that's the kind of quality you can take to the bank.

· JimmyJane (jimmyjane.com)
· Buy the Little Something (babeland.com)

Earlier this year, we saw Andrew Blake's "5 Stars", now Adam & Eve have taken up the pentaphilic torch with "The Five," a celebration of five of the porn world's most impressive stars.

The feature is headlined by Bree Olson, who brings her adorable (and dirty) charms to both her scenes (the opener, in which she opens up all her orifices to Johnny Sins, and the fourth scene, in which Bree joins Shyla Stylez and Scott Nails for a delicious threesome). But Bree is hardly the only star in this show: Sasha Grey, Jenna Haze, and Alexis Texas round out the release, with ample dirty talk and hard fucking.

There is no plot—or even a half-hearted attempt at a plot—to "The Five": instead, each performer is introduced with a little striptease, and then immediately cuts to the fuck, er, chase. But it's for the best, really. With a cast of this caliber, there's no need to waste time dressing up the action or providing a backstory: these performers are strong enough to carry the film on their sexual skills alone.

In keeping with its numeric theme, "The Five" releases today—5/5/09. For the sake of numeric consistency, we almost wish it had come out four years ago—but, alas, if it had, we wouldn't have been able to compile this stellar cast.

· "The Five" (adameve.com)
· Buy "The Five" (gamelink.com)

This snippet of dialogue was presented at the beginning of "Flexible Positions 2," in which women are fucked on exercise equipment and their bodies bent every which way, as a helpful gesture, I think, that lets us know that the production respects us enough to acknowledge that they know we are not here for the dialogue.

Reid and Memphis Monroe are the Girl Next Door/Cornfed beauties in this title, and Britney Amber and Kenzi Marie their sharper, more Brentwood trophy wife counterparts.

But each is blonde, each can be draped over an exercise ball in somebody's weight room, and the sweat of each is cooled by the constant humming of an overhead fan and absorbed by a mat that I would not want to lick.

It is the girls who are flexible, you see, and not the scenes. It gives one the pleasant impression that an enterprising janitor at a Courtyard Marriott somewhere cut a hole in the wall of the minigym.

Watch "Flexible Positions 2" with the sound off (and if you're on a trampoline yourself, it will be like everyone is standing still).

· Fuck You Cash (fuckyoucash.com)
· Buy "Flexible Positions 2" (gamelink.com)

Let's start by discussing the theory behind Wet Together. According to the copy:

His warms. Hers tingles. She applies his to him. He applies hers to her. The intimate act of touching makes the connection. The two unite, body to body, heart to heart. Two exciting sensations…Become ONE…together™.

Or, in layman's terms—one lube warms, one lube tingles; together, they form some sort of Voltron-like super unit that results in explosive orgasm. Theoretically, at least.

I started my experiment by applying the "His" lube to my partner's member. In my hands, the lube felt very warm—on his cock, not so much.

"It just feels like lube," he said.

We turned to the "Hers" bottle. My assistant applied a small amount to my parts. It felt good. He applied a little more.

It was definitely tingly. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that "tingly" is a sensation that I really like. Rather than getting me hot and bothered, it made me, well, slightly uncomfortable.

We moved on to the teamwork portion of the experiment.

Now, Wet's press materials informed me that, when combined, these two lubes would provide a heightened sensation. That wasn't quite my experience, though. Combining the two lubes made things feel better—but that was largely because it reduced the bothersome tingling sensation. I wasn't really sure that it felt better than sex sans Wet Together, however; if anything, I was slightly troubled by the feeling that certain parts of me felt a little numb.

I once attended a presentation about a product that—while not manufactured by Wet—was very similar, at least in concept, to Wet Together. Hyping the product, the presenters discussed how it would encourage intimacy and communication, encouraging partners to interact by applying the lubricants to each other, and seeing how they reacted when combined.

That's all very well and good, and a really nice sentiment. But it would have meant much more to me if the lube hadn't left me, well, feeling more detached than engaged.

But hey, that's just my experience: your mileage may vary (especially if you like tingling).

· Wet Together (stayswetlonger.com)

Stoya: Scream

Studio: Digital Playground
Director: Celeste
Cast: Stoya, Evan Stone, Alexis Texas, Carmella Santiago, The Love Twins, Mahlia Milian, Madison Ivy, Tommy Gunn, Derrick Pierce

Review by: Gram Ponante

Stoya reminds us that you can't say "Boobies" without first saying "Boo."

And it's a great idea. What better visceral combination than horror and sex? But "Scream" only hints at horror; it's real job is to get the likes of Stoya, Alexis Texas, and Madison Ivy naked. In that way, "Scream" is to horror movies what "Nurses" was to "ER."

Five scenes place Stoya and friends far enough out of harm's way that Digital Playground can never be accused of making snuff porn (not a drop of blood is shown) but fans of Girls in Danger have enough of a scary back story before the sexing happens.

Stoya appears in three scenes: the first finds Stoya and Alexis Texas watching a slasher movie, waiting for Stoya's boyfriend. He shows up, scares them briefly, and they all fuck seconds later. Scary!

She next appears in a new take on the classic "You couldn't have seen her; SHE'S BEEN DEAD FOR TWENTY YEARS" scenario, except this time Stoya has an interracial posthumous Sapphic interlude with Mahlia Milan. Scary!

Finally, she shares a kitchen scene with Evan Stone that makes me want to join her in her vegan lifestyle. What they did to a perfectly good steak was truly horrifying on many levels. Don't show this scene to someone who can only afford Ramen products.

Other standout performances include Carmella Santiago (I like to call her Carmella-toe Santiago in this movie), who inadvertently has sex on a bed under which rots a corpse, and Madison Ivy, who quite deliberately has sex on top of Tommy Gunn. Evan Stone returns with the Love Twins in probably the best utilization of their skills possible.

"Stoya: Scream" was not scary and at times seemed busily in love with its post-production to the detriment of the scenes.

But the movie was fun, Stoya was, as always, a delight to watch, game and never aloof of the performance. The only real crime was that she was forced to hold her own butt on the cover photo. She is a major star now: surely they could have found someone to do that for her.

· Digital Playground (digitalplayground.com)
· Buy "Stoya: Scream" (tlavideo.com)

Much has been, and will be, made of this movie, largely due to the fact that Sasha Grey is, yes, a pornstar—and, more importantly, a pornstar who a) has the leading role in a movie, and b) is in a movie that isn't a horror, comedy, or a horror/comedy. But since we've spilled enough ink discussing the importance of this film, and what it all means, we'll spare you the analysis and just tell you what we thought of the film.

First off: for those of you harboring fears that Sasha Grey can't act, and won't be able to carry the film—fear not. Though we wouldn't necessarily say that Sasha deserves an Academy Award (or that she should—ha!—quit her day job), she plays the part of Chelsea—a coolheaded, withdrawn callgirl—with skill and aplomb, bringing her complicated, sometimes confused, character to life with a real grace. We're not sure if this is a testament to Sasha's potential as an actress, or if she was simply well cast in this role, but either way, she's a strong, compelling part of the film.

We were also impressed by the film's treatment of the world of the high class escort. It's a hard topic to approach with a balanced view—filmmakers often run the risk of appearing to glorify the industry, or to paint it as a world of shattered, abused women who are trapped in a job they can't escape. "The Girlfriend Experience" does neither: Chelsea is portrayed as a smart young woman who entered the industry for specific reasons (for financial independence and freedom from her parents), makes a good living doing work she largely enjoys, and is a smart businesswoman (scenes of her keeping track of the details of her appointments, working on her website and promotion, and discussing investment opportunities all round out the film). But at the same time, it's clear that she has to battle some negative aspects of her career: dips in business during the economic downturn, loyal clients who cease booking her, the balance between her clients and her live-in boyfriend, and, of course, the threat of a bad review damaging her reputation.

But "The Girlfriend Experience" succeeds largely because it is not simply a movie about a call girl, or a tale of the escorting business: while Chelsea's career is clearly a central part of the film, it is, far more, a film about the fears and insecurities brought to life by the economic downturn, and how they manage to throw things off balance and set us on an unlikely, unexpected, path. And that, above all, may be the most refreshing thing about the film: that it manages to treat Chelsea as an actual person, and not as a repository for our feelings about sex work.

For those of you lucky enough to have secured tickets to this week's screening at the Tribeca Film Festival, feel free to check back in to this post and let us know your feelings on the film. For the rest of you—"The Girlfriend Experience" debuts May 22. Mark your calendars, and make sure not to miss it.

The smallest of these monolithic and semi-hard "ass rods" (which also happens to be what we call L.A.'s Parking Enforcement personnel) is 5.5" long and 2.5" around. The folks at Rascal are not messing around. That the largest of the three is almost twice that size scared the shit out of us (good thing, too, because we needed the room).

The SensaFirm material is spongy, turgid, and heavy, yielding just enough to provide both entrant and penetrated a real sense of accomplishment, probably like John Holmes did in his flaccid years.

Because there were no instructions provided with the items, we wondered what the recommended time frame of graduation from the smallest rod to the 9.5" x 4.75" brickbat was. Until Christmas? The year 2525? We have already petitioned our Member of Congress to declare that day Gaping Day.

The rods are waterproof (though that should be the least of your worries) and would also make excellent upgrades for the foam bats at your next couples' counseling session.

As this video will make clear, my bid to become the Ass Rod spokesmodel was rejected.

· Topco Sales (topcosales.us)
· Buy "Ass Rod Anal Training Kit" (adonisent.com)

Sure, I could come up with a lot of different reasons for why I'd never gone the bead route—but the truth is, I just never really got around to it. I began my career in anal pleasure as a butt plug, and I'd never really seen much reason to switch things up (hey, I'm a creature of habit).

But if anyone could convince me to, ahem, broaden my horizons, it would have to be Babeland—and so when they offered me a chance to test out their brand-spanking new anal beads (a recent addition to the Babeland toy line), well, I couldn't exactly say no.

At 10.5" inches long, the strand of beads (crafted from TPR), may seem slightly intimidating at first—but fear not! The beads themselves are graduated in width, going from tiny (the smallest is about the size of a pea) to moderately large (1" in width).

The gradation is a nice feature, allowing the user to work their way up to the largest bead—or, in the case of more timid asses, progress to whatever level you may be comfortable with, and just leave it at that. Once inside, the beads themselves create a nice feeling of fullness; not quite the stretched sensation of a butt plug, but a deeper, more penetrating (ha!) sensation that pleases nonetheless.

And then, of course, there's the removal. It's oft said that anal beads are as fun to take out as they are to put in. Well, let me be the one to tell you: it's all true.

In truth, I think I'm still a butt plug girl at heart, but I'm glad to have seen how the anal bead side lives. And for all you beginners out there—this may just be the toy you're looking for to gently open up your backdoor and introduce you to a world of anal splendor.

· Buy Babeland Anal Beads (babeland.com)

First of all, Nina Hartley is fucking adorable. She's smart, charming and genuinely cares whether you (that's right, you who are reading this right now) have amazing sex. While you're watching the first scene in which married couple Devon and Marcus have a threesome with Nina — talking, explaining and laughing all the while — you wish that you could have her around every time you wanted to fuck your lover, to give you words of encouragement, a vibrator and a bit of oral stimulation. And wouldn't you know it, after a number of very real orgasms on Devon's part, all three achieved the heretofore fabled simultaneous "O".

Nina's co-host, Kayden Kross, is unbelievably sexy and well-spoken — cooing that she has no problem with simultaneous orgasms because she's pretty much having orgasms all the time. (Lucky bitch beautiful multi-orgasmic woman.) The scene with her and Erik Everhard is panty-soaking. (Maybe you don't wear panties, but you get the picture.) The chemistry between the two is perfect, and Kayden is pretty much cumming the entire time. If these two looked any more enthusiastic and turned-on — well, I don't think they possibly could, so there you go. And they too come at the same time, and it's fucking hot. Sweet jesus christ.

In conclusion, if you are looking to learn intelligently explained techniques to employ with your lover to enhance your sex life, you need this DVD. If you are looking to jack off to a hot porn with stars who are genuinely enjoying themselves, you need this DVD. And if you are one of the Doubting Thomases who need to see the simultaneous "O" to believe it, you definitely need this DVD. It's even better than a unicorn, we swear.

· Buy "Nina Hartley's Guide To Simultaneous Orgasms" (adameve.com)

· Images courtesy of "Stills from 'Nina Hartley's Guide To Simultaneous Orgasms'" (avn.com)

Viewed from the top side, vampire gloves appear to be nothing more than an ordinary pair of leather gloves (a high quality, luxuriously soft pair of leather gloves, that is). But flip them over, and a delightful surprise is revealed: the glove's fingers are lined with sharp metal teeth, which provide just the right amount of bite to tickle, tease, and poke a willing sub.

When I got my set of gloves, I couldn't contain my excitement—unfortunately, I happened to be at the office, where my attempts to tickle, tease, and poke my coworkers were not particularly appreciated. Having (sort of) learned my lesson, I put the gloves back in the box, and waited for a more opportune time to use them.

I'm going to cut right to the chase here: I love these gloves. I love the feel of soft leather caressing my skin, and I love the mild scratch of the metal teeth. I think they feel great lightly dancing against my skin, or more forcefully pressing into the flesh.

Of course, it helps that I'm a masochist. Despite my love of these delicious gloves, I've found that many of my squarer friends find them to be more painful than pleasurable—so before investing in a pair, you should probably ask yourself this question: "Am I the kind of person who finds the thought of sharp metal grazing delicate skin arousing?"

If the answer is yes, do not pass go: head straight to JT's Stockroom and purchase these immediately.

[Safety disclaimer: These are, in fact, sharp, and it would behoove you to be careful with them. Play nicely, play sober, and don't make any sudden moves—the last thing you want is to poke someone's eye out with your sexy new toy.]

· Buy Vampire Gloves (stockroom.com)

*****

Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive

Porn's Most Outrageous Outtakes 3

Studio: JM Productions
Director: Jim Powers
Cast: Ashley Blue, Tobey Pacific, Armani St. James, Missy Stone, Dirty Harry, Melissa Juliana, Missy Monroe, Kylie Ireland, dozens more

Review by: Gram Ponante

"She had the intellect of a seagull," Powers says of Armani St. James, one of several women who endured a porn scene—which she was informed about and which she signed off on—but who nevertheless had every embarrassing instance of self-doubt immortalized and repackaged for this DVD.

No amount of sweeps week special reports, Showtime documentaries, "Pornutopia"s, or "Real Sex"es convey an aspect of the porn world's inner workings better than a single slipshod Behind the Scenes featurette on a Jim Powers video. A seemingly calm eye of the storm, Powers nevertheless attracts and exploits such volatile elements for his movies, including the "American Bukkake," "White Trash Whore," and "The Violation Of..." series, that there is more than enough fodder for the hypnotizing trainwreck that are his "Porn's Most Outrageous Outtakes" movies.

Though this episode could have used some pruning, Powers still proves an excellent Master of Ceremonies for backstage fights, attacks of nerves and, in one horrifying sequence, spraylets of diarrhea.

"Is it too much to ask to not eat a Whopper before a scene?" he asks.

You may think that Powers and crew are misanthropes preying on the drug-abusing and poorly-educated short-timers in the adult business, those upon whom every stereotype is based. And that could be true. But it is also true that Powers is working in porn and isn't in control of your mortgage. That should help you sleep better.

There is also the Powers take on why performers do what they do and why they are who they are. On tattoos:

"I feel that tattoos cheapen the whore. When a girl gets tattoos on herself, you can no longer suspend disbelief and believe this little slut is an innocent little girl. Instead, she looks like a Philadelphia biker slag."

Unless you get off on uncomfortable situations (like, say, if you masturbate to Larry David), you will not find this collection sexy, though there is plenty of nudity, fluids, and the old in-out.

You will instead find in one convenient package a real understanding—with thoughtful narration—about why porn might not be for everyone and how, at the end of a harrowing scene, the tears and vomit of a performer might be the very things that market the movie.

· JM Productions (jerkoffzone.com)
· Buy "Porn's Most Outrageous Outtakes 3" (jerkoffzone.com)

Throat: A Cautionary Tale

Studio: Vivid
Director: Paul Thomas
Cast: Sasha Grey, Penny Flame, Tom Byron, Evan Stone, Aliana Love, Trent Tesoro, Herschel Savage, Lee Stone

Review by: Gram Ponante

"I didn't mean for this to happen," intones Julie (Sasha Grey), commenting on her (naked, of course - are you kidding?) corpse a la "Sunset Boulevard" via its Porn Valley counterpart, Sherman Way. "Things just got out of hand."

Out of hand and into throat, you mean. Thus begins "Throat: A Cautionary Tale," Vivid's biggest movie this year, an ambitious project that has already had a six-episode paid infomercial playing on Showtime to support it.

Veteran porn scribe Raven Touchstone's script is the best this year, convincingly effecting a B story of the cops (Tom Byron and train wreck Penny Flame) tracking down Julie's killer as well as presenting several possible culprits. And, in a movie that is dark but not too dark for its own good, Touchstone gives a ditzy stripper the line "I heard he fucked an elephant and made it scream."

That Grey - and not a Vivid contract girl - leads the cast is not surprising, considering director Paul ("PT") Thomas' other big movie this year, "Faithless," starring Miss America-turned-soap opera actress-turned-full-throated cougar harridan Kelli McCarty.

"Throat" is also a great example of a post-modern porn movie. At two hours it is a throwback to features of yore, but it also takes as its source material "Deep Throat," porn's most famous film and a cultural phenomenon that even found its way into the Watergate scandal.

"What's a 'Deep Throat'?" asks Julie, who lets us know that her "pussy was her enemy" and her "clit like a wart."

Julie is being schooled by Lane (Aliana Love), a fellow stripper at the peep show at which Julie has been forced to work to pay for college. The movie takes its time breaking down Julie's stripperesque misanthropy ("I was sickened by their pathetic neediness," she says. (You and me both, sister!) "But I felt sorry for them, too. If they had someone to love them, they wouldn't be here") and provides a few indulgences not often thrown to porn consumers: a slow burn.

Julie, you see, cannot experience pleasure in her vagina. At first we think it's just because her loser trust-fund boyfriend Eddie (Trent Tesoro) only cares about himself. This is partly true. But the real reason is that Julie's functioning clitoris is in her throat. Once Lane shows Julie how to "deep throat" a dildo (if the characters Lane and Julie know about Linda Lovelace and the origin of that term, they never let on), Julie is hooked on the feeling of finally, finally getting the stimulation she needs.

But even as Eddie becomes the lucky beneficiary of Julie's newfound throat-acumen, he becomes enraged by the thought of how she might have developed it. He gets over it and, like Evan Stone's mercenary gentlemen's club manager later in the movie, pimps her out for cash.

Where "Throat" differs from other porn versions of the Boulevard of Broken Dreams story is the time it takes to set up Julie's betrayals. Before these guys reveal themselves for the sleazebags they are, Julie trusts them.

Similarly does Joe (Tom Byron) trust his partner Byrd (Penny Flame). As you can imagine, Byrd gets drawn in to the sex club scene while investigating the death of Julie, but Byrd is given even more of a past: she's a pill popper and drunk! Not only that, she trades on her shame. In another of "Throat"'s memorable lines she says, "Punish me. I deserve it. I'm no good. Punish me."

The movie gives the audience so much credit throughout that its occasional porny missteps - at the beginning and end - are jarring. Do we really need to see a textbook overlay of the female reproductive system above Grey's pleasing flesh-and-blood parts? Isn't this explained elsewhere? What kind of coroner leaves a patient lying naked and uncovered on a gurney after declaring that her dead (and hot!) little throat "will make history"? Do we need to see what we are already pretty sure is her famous vagina labeled "Vagina"? Perhaps so. Like the coroner is the first to find - long after the detectives are through with her - the condom sticking half out of that "Vagina," maybe the filmmakers believe the audience is likely to miss something.

Similarly, for someone who has clearly stated that she only gets off with her throat, Julie sure spends a lot of time post-epiphany getting it everywhere else. (I'm only complaining about this as a writer, you understand.)

The performances of Grey and Flame are right on the money. The sex is integral to both their stories, and everything their characters say within that context makes sense, and is delivered more convincingly than anything else. We cannot help infer the plight of the millennial 21-year-old porn star Sasha Grey in Julie's "I'm a person!" speech, and we are all too familiar with the upside of bad behavior: sometimes Penny Flame just wants to be punished.

But the deftest touch in "Throat: A Cautionary Tale" comes from Herschel Savage, who plays a Hasid with a crush. He delivers a line from the New Testament (go figure) that is as appropriate to porn as, I don't know, using the word "Children" (as in "Not Married with...XXX") wasn't.

But you owe it to yourself to see the movie. Even if you are no good and need to be punished.

· Vivid (vivid.com)
· Buy "Throat: A Cautionary Tale" (gamelink.com)

· review: Eon McKai's On My Dirty Knees (tinynibbles.com)

Other than that, well, the Enspiral Vibrating Love Glove was a disappointment.

What you're supposed to do is insert your (erect? not erect? it didn't say) self into the glove, pump the attached blood pressure-style inflation ball, and oscillate the vibration control up and down.

Not a fan of employing a device that would add steps to a familiar process, I still gamely thought, "Hey: Leatherface," found two AA batteries from that useless HD-DVD player remote, and slipped some of me into the glove.

I quickly realized I had one fewer hand than necessary to pump, oscillate, and keep the contraption from falling off.

I noticed, too, that the glove was kind of small. Does it roll down further? I wondered.

Nope, it falls off and you have to reattach it to the base.

And what about the pump? The air tube comes in two parts and constantly detached. When it was held in place with a fourth hand, it failed to pump.

Trying to use this thing was more frustrating, I'd think, than the reason one would seek to use this thing. Maybe that's the idea? To help lonely men feel better about their loneliness? I don't know how single people do it.

· Doc Johnson (docjohnson.com)

Except, okay, in this case it's just Stoya flashing her tits while reviewing Kimberly's "Live In My Secrets"—but hey, it's still hot! (And, for that matter, makes us wish the porn gods would smile on us, and somehow arrange for a Stoya/Kimberly feature. It never hurts to hope, right?)

· New This Week: Live In My Secrets (popporn.com)

With the knowledge that you should always go front to back, rather than the reverse, I began my experiment in my girl area, testing out the Bloomy's dildo capabilities. Given the toy's small size, I wasn't expecting much, but I found myself pleasantly surprised: the Bloomy's shape conformed exactly to my curves, the larger section nestling comfortably against my g-sport while the smaller end cupped my vulva, applying a delightful pressure to my clitoris.

However, I quickly realized that—advertising copy be damned!—the Bloomy was not a dildo, per se. It definitely wasn't a a toy designed for the old in and out. Instead, I was much happier just leaving the Bloomy inside, and rocking it back and forth for added stimulation (making it not unlike a smaller version of the Jollie). It was, in effect, more of a vaginal plug than a dildo, if you will—and it left me wondering why there aren't more toys designed with this type of use in mind.

Having had my fill of Bloomy's front end talents, I moved my way to my backdoor. With a little bit of warm up, Bloomy entered my back regions—and felt pretty good, too. I'd be worried that its shape—which bore a suspicious resemblance to a prostate toy—would not work well with my prostate-free back end, but as far as I could tell, there didn't seem to be a problem.

Until I started to move, that is. With the slightest motion, I could feel the Bloomy slipping out from my behind, refusing to stay put, no matter how firmly I pushed it back in.

Perhaps a prostate gland is good for more than just pleasure, after all.

In spite of its ability to keep my ass in, ahem, bloom, I was nevertheless impressed with the Bloomy's talents—a toy doesn't have to stimulate all a girl's parts to be useful, after all.

(Oh, and if any of you out there are lucky enough to be able to use Bloomy in both the front and the back, please remember to thoroughly sterilize your toy between uses. No one likes getting infections!)

· Buy Bloomy (babeland.com)

At least, that was my impression of the (Oprah approved!) vibrator—and this was without even opening the box.

And by the way, we should talk about the box.

The Aphrodite comes in a large, purple (no shock there), cardboard box—one that has a picture of a lady on the back. A smiling lady doctor. This is how you know that the Aphrodite is made for women, by women, and not dreamed up in some skeezy perv's laboratory.

There's a flap on the front of the box, which can be peeled back to reveal a very detailed diagram of the external reproductive system. This is how you know the toy is intended for first timers—or at least people who don't know much about their bodies. It's a good thing, really; I appreciated the educational intentions of the box's designers even as the picture of pudenda made me giggle a little.

But one should never judge a vibrator by the box it comes in. Setting the packaging to the side, I examined the vibrator itself.

The Aphrodite is a vibrator in the model of the Hitachi Magic Wand. It's big, high-powered, back massager shaped beast—but one with a few key differences from it's Japanese ancestor.

First and most obviously, it's cordless and rechargeable, allowing for roaming masturbatory habits. More important, though, is the difference in the design of the head.

On one side of the Aphrodite's head is a black plastic dome, which glows red when the vibe is on the lower of its two settings (this indicates that it's emitting heat—a very nice feature). On the other side is a plastic prong, on which you can mount one of three attachments: a flat, basic dome for general vibration; a studded dome for a bumpier ride; and a cone shaped attachment for (minimal) internal stimulation.

Now, the box claimed that these attachments were silicone, and I do believe the box, but I have to say—they did not smell like silicone. In fact, they smelled really bad, though it's possible that that was due to the plastic packaging that they came individually wrapped in (yes, it was extremely wasteful).

Once assembled, the vibe performed pretty much as expected—which is to say pretty damn well. The interchangeable heads were a nice feature (my favorite was the cone), and the heat, while unusual and slow to take effect, was a nice added bonus.

If you're new (or not so new) to masturbation, and you're looking for a hyper-charged ride, the Aphrodite could certainly be the toy for you. Hey, Oprah wouldn't steer us wrong!

· Buy the Aphrodite (mypleasure.com)

*****

Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive

We are, however, shocked and dismayed to learn that said Purim porn (also known as "Dr. Suzy's Porn & Purim—DVD Bacchanal") was completely panned by the staff of Heeb Magazine. Perhaps there's some fine upstanding Jewish pornographer out there who's up to the task of creating an erotic interpretation of the Purim tale? (Joanna Angel, we're looking at you.)

· Dr. Suzy's Porn & Purim Bacchanal (drsusanblock.3dcartstores.com)
· Dr. Suzy's Porn & Purim DVD Bacchanal: The Heeb Review (heebmagazine.com)

My first brush with Homme came in the form of Bo, a gentleman's ring that rocked my world. Then came Bob, a gentleman's plug—and even though I have no prostate gland, it was still love at first sight.

A shapely, silicone butt plug, Bob is beautifully crafted, and a great toy for any boy looking to expand his sexual repertoire (or just add another toy to the collection). Knowing that what's good for the gander isn't always good for the goose, I enlisted a male friend to test the toy for me. After a night of butt passion, he reported back that "it's a great guy first plug... not super teeny but it pokes the boy orgasm spot nicely," and gave extra points for the ring shaped base, "which makes for easy fucking, and makes it easy to carry to the bathroom for cleanup."

All of which leaves me, well, jealous that I don't have a prostate gland. Or at least makes me hope that LELO might someday expand their Femme line to include a little something wonderful for the lady backside, as well.

[Note for the big spenders: LELO's Luxe line has a super fancy version of Bob, known as Earl. You know, for the times when nothing's too good for your butt play.]

· Buy the Bob (lelo.com)

The cleverly named Blowguard is, quite literally, a mouthguard for blowjobs. Designed by a dentist, it promises to "take the job out of blowjobs," making life easier for millions of fellatists the world over.

But does it actually work?

If you've ever worn a mouthguard—either for sports-related reasons, or just for kicks—you're probably aware that most mouthguards require a bit of custom fitting (or as I pretend it's called, the old boil and bite). Not so the Blowguard: a soft, flexible, but in no way moldable silicone tray, it claims to be one size fits all. And that's where I ran into a problem.

Now, granted, I have what dentists like to refer to as a "small mouth," and in particular, I have a rather narrow upper jaw. So maybe it was just my own freakish anatomy, but I found that the Blowguard did not fit comfortably in my mouth. In fact, it kinda made me gag. But hey—gagging and blowjobs have been friends since time immemorial, right? So I sucked it up (no pun intended), and soldiered on.

Mouthguard in place, and vibrating bullet firmly lodged in the mouthguard, I opened the enclosed packet of "Sex Tarts" lube, and went to work.

And here was where I encountered another problem: the lube tasted awful. Thankfully, the gagging from mouthguard generated enough saliva to quickly wash away the foul flavor, and I proceeded with the job as nature intended (well, save for the giant piece of plastic encasing my teeth).

Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I tend to think that my oral skills are pretty decent. But with the Blowguard in place, all my normal tricks were for naught: with all the gagging, and the giant piece of plastic taking up so much space, I couldn't move my tongue, or play around with pressure, or do anything really—well, anything other than just bob my head up and down on my assistant's cock, letting the little vibrator and the pressure from the plastic do all the work.

And yet, amazingly, it was a success: it was quite apparent that my assistant was definitely enjoying experience. I'd been very skeptical of this device, but it was rather clear that at least one of us was enjoying it. During the post-fellatio Q&A period, I learned that the mouthguard created a sensation of extra pressure—like biting, but without teeth—that was quite pleasant. Oh, and all that extra saliva from the gagging didn't hurt, either.

So, yes: in some ways, the Blowguard does indeed live up to its motto. With the mouthguard in place, pretty much anyone can give a quality blowjob, no skill required. You just might find that you're now required to suffer a little extra discomfort in exchange. But hey, good blowjobs are worth a little sacrifice, right?

· Buy the Blowguard (blowguard.com)

Introduced in 2006 (I guess it got lost in the mail), the Talking Head is your standard-issue rotating beads/clit rabbit/simulo-penis vibrator with a secret: it's got a 32 MB hard drive and a speaker so that one can play REO Speedwagon's "Take It on the Run" whilst diddling oneself or a loved one.

Not only that, but Heathcliff can also record a special message for Cathy on the vibrator and then go walking on the windy moors - he doesn't even have to be in the same farmhouse with her.

The Talking Head comes with a rather tinny external speaker as well as a set of earbuds. When plugged into the headphone jack at the base of the vibrator, the sound is as good as an iPod.

In fact, the Talking Head is an excellent jogging mp3 player, considering the iPod is not easy to carry but everyone knows how to hold on to a cock. Am I right??

To listen to my special message to young lovers everywhere, click here.

· Talking Head Vibrator (erosboutique.com)

Live in My Secrets

Studio: Vivid-Alt
Director: Kimberly Kane
Cast: Aiden Starr, Tyler Knight, Kimberly Kane, Sasha Grey, Bobbi Starr, Claire Adams, Mandy Morbid, Faith Leon, April Flores

Review by: Gram Ponante

A bewigged Kimberly Kane masturbates with a lollipop in a scene that looks like it was taken from an old Mexican movie, save for the lollipop masturbation. April Flores cavorts with lizards, Aiden Starr treats Tyler Knight like a horse (as an actual horse looks on), Claire Adams opens up Bobbi Starr with a fork and knife, and Sasha Grey gives Kimberly Kane her red wings.

These scenes and more comprise Kane's directorial effort "Live in My Secrets," a glorious, evil little vignette movie.

In fact, the Adams/Starr scene is one of the best, if not the best, girl/girl bondage scene I have ever seen. It takes its time, lingers in places, and sometimes threatens to end but doesn't. At one point the girls take a break and Adams makes Starr groom her before grabbing fistfuls of Starr's hair. It emphasizes the serenity of the submissive experience (and also makes the viewer cheer on Adams to fuck Bobbi harder).

A game Tyler Knight is trussed and suspended in a horse paddock while the vampire-white sex hydrant Aiden Starr toys with him. "You've got white person all over your face," she says.

In scenelets over too soon, Mandy Morbid flounces around Hollywood and April Flores becomes Queen of the Reptiles.

Finally Kane (blonde this time) has the Messiest Sex Ever with Sasha Grey, making sure to let us know - albeit briefly - that the red stuff all over Kane's mouth and Grey's thighs is strawberry syrup. Otherwise viewers would think the girls were doing test shots for Vivid's ill-fated OctoMom movie.

Live in My Secrets is a gorgeous movie that doesn't skimp on hardcore action and, arty as it is, doesn't let technique get in the way of what people buy porn movies for. The editing is precise and we don't hear Kane the director except when she's in front of the camera as a performer.

And the images—a closeup of Kane holding on to a wrought iron bedrail, Grey giving birth to an ice cream topping, Bobbi Starr's face, spent after getting the business from Claire Adams, and Aiden Starr pondering a move that spelled curtains for Catherine the Great—are all strong choices that would each of them define lesser movies.

I am glad that Kane got some of these secrets off her chest, though I wish she'd worked them out with me, a friend, if they were causing her so much trouble. Still, I am curious what else she might be hiding in there (hoping there's some ducks).

· Kimberly Kane (kanearmy.com)
· Buy "Live in My Secrets" (gamelink.com)