Sure they do. And since this is the final WWFRD of the year and because we always listen to a little Dan Fogelberg when watching Max's movies, please rename this film with the Bard of Maine in mind and see what runs through your instrument, just like Cloudcarrier did with last week's jubilant and strenuous winning effort.

· See the real title (jerkoffzoone.com)

Previously: WWFRD Archive

Still, we were so impressed with Darkewne's Dada-meets-outsourced-call-center naming skillz from last time (with a near- Jezebel-load of reader interaction, we might add) that we have taken heart. Can you top the name that G-d presented this week's entry? Would you?

· See the real title (gamelink.com)

Previously: WWFRD Archive

· Black Market Entertainment (blackmarketxxx.com)
· "Shorty Iz Fucking Yo' Mama #2" (adult.dvdempire.com)

See if you can top America's Sweetheart CloudCarrier's winning entry from last time. Put up your dukes; let's get down to it. Then hit the highway.

· Metro (metrointeractive.com)
· (See the real title) (gamelink.com)

Previously: WWFRD Archive

Well it didn't. There was a scene on a boat, a scene in a doctor's office. Some other stuff. But no sleuthing, no black lights, and no tricky dialogue. For the 25th anniversary re-release in 2032, Pink Visual, you should name this movie "There was a scene on a boat, a scene in a doctor's office. Some other stuff." Or maybe just "Malabimboat".

· Pink Visual (pinkvisual.com)
· Buy "Cum Scene Investigations" (gamelink.com)

Previously: Porn of the Moment Archive

· "Rim My Gape 3" (DVD info @ cduniverse.com)
· Sineplex (sineplex.com)
· "Rim My Gape 3" Trailer (tnaflix.com)

As regards last week's winner, congratulations to Hoebie, who suggested "Bunghole Fungos", sagely implying that the fly-ball-to-oneself maneuver is as masturbatory as porn is.

· See the Original Title @ Pure Play Media

Previously: WWFRD Archive

Not merely content to be a multiple award-winning porn superstar and the subject of SexZ Picture's first "million dollar contract", the indefatigable Hillary Scott enters the world of reality show-style philanthropy and personal empowerment this week with the release of her first directorial effort "Extreme Asshole Makeover", in which six hookers from the less savory reaches of Hollywood Boulevard will be selected by Hillary herself to compete in a grueling regimen of anal bleaching and poise and elocution exercises (including an emotional group rendition of "Un Bel Di Vedremo" from "Madame Butterfly") to transform their hopelessly out-of-date back doors into the new, fresh, and exciting brown flowers it is their destiny to become. (Or maybe the film just involves Hillary and porn pals Marie Luv, Naudia Styles, and Sandra Romain engaging in the usual sort of screechingly-soundtracked anal escapades we've come to know and love them for, albeit with a catchier title this time around. Maybe we better go back and read that press release again just to make sure?)

· Hillary Scott's "Extreme Asshole Makeover" (preview trailers and DVD info @ sexz.com)
· Hillary Scott (official site @ xxxhillaryscott.com)
· Hillary Scott on MySpace (myspace.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch: Hillary Scott A Kept Woman, Hillary Scott's Original Breasts Make Comeback, Hillary Scott: An Appreciation

Sure, the adult business is full of alliteration (Jenna Jameson, Jesse Jane, Hannah Harper) and even assonance (Layla Jade, Jayden James). But in Hustler's "MILF Filth" we encounter consonance in the repetition of consonant sounds in places not restricted to the front of the word. I think I just came a little.

The movie stars the lyrical Phylisha Anne, who will make you forget that you probably won't be able to say the title she's starring in five times fast. - GP

· Hustler (hustler.com)
· Buy "MILF Filth" (for your library or school district) (hustlerhollywood.com)

Previously: Porn Of The Moment Archive

Don't get us wrong (or do get us wrong, we mean; we're not your father), but it seemed logical that this movie would be about white guys who couldn't believe their luck that a black girl had arrived in the neighborhood. The movie, it turns out, is an all-black film, which makes us wonder why the other 90 percent of the porn titles out there, which feature all-Caucasian casts, aren't just called "More White Girls".

Regardless, Shi Reeves here needs to borrow a cup of sugar for her morning coffee. Once she makes it into this dude's loft, though, she changes her story. "This is all the sugar I'll need," she says, taking one lump in the girlyparts^TM. When the so-called white woman asks me for sugar, why can't she be as duplicitous? - GP

· Afro-Centric Productions (afro-centric.com)
· Buy "Black Girl Next Door #10" (gamelink.com)

Previously: Porn Of The Moment Archive

Meeting Jayden James (the porn star, not the Federline-Spears offspring of the same name) in person is just a little more delightful than seeing her picture. But it is important for the porn unaware that an internal eruption is not some kind of condition that requires hospitalization, but instead a wholesome re-enactment of the way people who love each other very much make babies. In other words, that is not a brave smile on James' face—she is in fact saying that she is not going to have to worry about toweling sperm from it later. - GP

· "Internal Eruptions" (Adult DVD Empire)
· Red Light District (clubredlight.com)
· Jayden James on MySpace (myspace.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive

Of the many delights promised by VCA's new four-hour compilation "Junior College Cock Crammin'" (i.e., the participants were culled from several different movies, none of which necessarily had a college theme) are Hillary Scott, the patriotic Jennifer Steele, and Nicki Hunter. The random star on the box cover indicates that, indeed, these junior college temptresses might not have been graded by a full professor. Still—wait for it—they get an A for effort! (Note to self: return degree.)

In searching for a way for you to view this film, I instead came across this one. Note the exact same rah-rah state school font and the presence of someone named Nautica Binx. - GP

· "Junior College Cock Crammin'" (box cover @ vcapictures.com)

This title is a mystery, but all the clues are there to solve it.

We are with you in the assumption that Lea Jaye's, er, snatch, had been so supersized by the time this photo was taken that that was the reason she is showing each of her girlyparts^TM except the one mentioned in the title.

Furthermore, the tableau director Stoney Curtis creates with Jaye's unorthodox positioning indicates that there is someone downstage right of Jaye, perhaps the very person responsible for her supersizing. Questions of blame aside, what we really wonder is if what Jaye is bracing herself on is a chair or a table. - GP

· Lethal Hardcore (lethalhardcore.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive

Like you, I always think "trannies" and then "ducts" when someone mentions Brazil. Hustler nicely upends our sensibilities by releasing "Big Brazilian Boobs", a tender and moving tribute to South America's largest country and the only nation on that continent to receive independence without first being involved in a violent revolution.

This doesn't explain why Brazilians are still so into the Scorpions.

Strangely, though, the boxcover advertises this boobtastic title as "all anal", leading us to wonder why those stuck-up large-breasted Brazilians are keeping their bucetas from us? - GP

· Hustler (hustler.com)
· Buy "Hustler's Busty Beauties - Big Brazilian Boobs" (gamelink.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive

Private's "I Want to Fuck You in the Kitchen" (also a runner up for Prepositional Porn Phrase of the Week) first had us wondering if "Kitchen" were some trendy and sophisticated Euromoniker for vagina, in the same way we have "cooter". Turns out that these folks actually mean "kitchen" and that they really do want to fuck you in yours.

In addition to their no-nonsense and groovy worldviews, Kristina Bella and Maria Wild (sorry, don't know/care who the guys are) have expansive, functional, light-filled IKEA kitchens. (Oh, and cocks in their mouths.) But the true indicator that these folks aren't from Around Here is that the dudes are wearing black socks instead of American Porn Standard White ones.- GP

· Private (private.com)
· Buy "The Best by Private #49 - I Want to Fuck You in the Kitchen" (gamelink.com)

This movie expertly answers the question: "Up which black ass?"

We are fans of Elegant Angel because the value it adds to its porn titles is real, rather than, say, a dubiously defined commitment to High Definition. Take the case of "Up That Black Ass", won't you? The movie, in addition to featuring the R. Crumb-worthy Vanessa Blue on the cover, boasts an Easter Egg that DVD snobs can utilize after the self-loving. Add to that its appropriateness to Black History Month and a prepositional phrase that trumps "Squirt (in My Gape)" and "Last (of the Mohicans)" and you've really got a special, special movie. - GP

· Elegant Angel (elegantangel.com)
· Buy "Up That Black Ass" (gamelink.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive

You might think, as I did, that assholes should be awakened rather than bored, but such are the compromises we make in loving relationships like the ones depicted here. John Strong directs a movie agape with Fleshbot favorites (including Bree Olsen and Dana DeArmond), as well as caterwauling brunettes Rebecca Linares and Bobbi Star. Finally there's Aubrey Addams who is not so much bored as depressed—nto a couch. See more after the, er, gap. - GP

- - -

Corn-fed and winsome Bree Olsen, why have you forsaken me?

Dana DeArmond demonstrates the exuberance of being 27.

Bobbi Star demonstrates the advantages of soundproofing.

Aubrey Addams needs to audition for Zumanity post-haste.

Barcelona's Rebecca Linares shares a quiet moment on a Chatsworth carpet.

· Red Light District (clubredlight.com)
· Buy "Bore My Asshole" (gamelink.com)

I don't see anything desperate about these ladies. They look like they've got it all pretty much figured out. And I don't see a single wedding ring on any of the visible ring fingers. What, then, can this movie, which joins the noble tradition instituted by "Desperate Wives" and carried on by "Desperate Housewhores", then "Desperate Mothers And Wives", then "Desperate Trannies", then "Desperate Town Whores", teach us?

I don't know either, my friends, but there are three women with some serious x action going on herein: Naomi Banxxx, Vivica Coxxx, and Nyomi Knoxxx. That has to mean something, but whaxxx? True desperation, I guess, would involve a fourth x. - GP

· Afro-Centric Productions (afro-centric.com)
· Buy "Desperate Blackwives 2" (gamelink.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch: Wednesdays with Roy, Porn Valley Dispatch: Milk My Wife, Please, Porn Valley Dispatch Archive

I just made the following fact up, but 91 percent of U.S. school departments have outlawed the short plaid skirt for reasons easily gleaned from this Chatsworth Pictures' box cover. Liah Stevenson is no schoolgirl, and I bet those glasses aren't even her prescription, but she at least knows that women with glasses need only look over the frames as a substitute for the standard finger-in-the-mouth porn trope.

And in our continuing series of providing the whereabouts of the former Britney Rears, Jessica Sweet is also in this collection, sharing screen time with the quota-fulfilling "small tit freak", Sierra Sin. - GP

· Chatsworth Pictures (jerkoffzone.com)

Make no mistake: Holly Wellin is a rangy and pliant piece of sex jerky, but even seeing her in your mom's cleaning outfit doesn't forgive the total lack of gaping present on the cover of Hustler's "Gaped Crusaders", also starring the darling Mika Tan.

Come on, Hustler! If timid, quivering sites like Fleshbot can show "Cockzilla", you can at least peel us some gapes. - GP

· Hustler (hustler.com)
· Buy "Gaped Crusaders" (gamelink.com)

When I was growing up in Brooklyn's mean streets, Li'l Pinkmeat was part of our gang, along with Boots, Ozymandias, and Her Nibs. Strange to see part of my youth immortalized in such a way as with this new Lethal Hardcore title, which we first became aware of last week.

Here, Bree Olsen is seen holding on to a flimsy and useless piece of underclothing with one hand while grasping at what appears to be a curtain rod with another. - GP

· Buy "Big Black Beef Stretches Lil Pink Meat 5" (gamelink.com)
· Lethal Hardcore (lethalhardcore.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive

As so much quality material is released by our nation's dream factories, it is unfair to limit the releases that catch our eye to a single Porn Title of the Week. Hence, "Booty Tales" and what it means to me.

While vacationing in scenic Bogue Chitto, MS, certain of our less-inclined-to-success nephews demanded to see the PBS Kids program "Dragon Tales" every day, twice. I know this is hardly the forum, but what a horrible show. Who were these kids' parents to let them go to Dragon Land every goddamn day?

"Whaddaya say we go explore the Forest of Darkness together?"
"Vamanos!"

Please.

All I'm saying is that if they went to Booty Land, things would make a whole lot more sense. - GP

· Hustler (hustler.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive

While we are loathe to recognize a product that reduces human beings to chunks of beef, we applaud Lethal Hardcore's honesty in pointing out that human beings are chunks of beef.

"100% Prime Grade A Meat" stars Veronique Vega, who has very little meat on her bones, as well as Renae Cruz, Leaghlani Red, Ariel Alexus, and Emilianna. Coincidentally, Lethal Hardcore extends the meat theme in next week's interracial porn "Big Black Beef Stretches Lil Pink Meat 5". Both movies were directed by Chucky Sleaze, who happens to be an ovo-lacto vegetarian.- GP

· Buy "100% Prime Grade A Meat" (gamelink.com)
· Buy "Big Black Beef Stretches Lil Pink Meat 5" (gamelink.com)
· Lethal Hardcore (lethalhardcore.com)

Previously: This Week In Porn Titles Archive

I ask you: who has not masturbated furiously to Eric Carmen's 1975 tearjerker "All By Myself"? The answer is No One. What do you think the Michigan Wolverines are doing right this very second?

Anyway, Elegant Angel will release the solo girl self-abuseathon "All By Myself" featuring former Kurt Lockwoodbeard girlfriend Samantha Ryan, Penthouse Pet Jamie Lynn, and cover girl Cayton.

If only Renee Zellwegger would have agreed to (other Eric Carmen hit) "Go All the Way" in the "All By Myself"-heavy opening scene of "Bridget Jones' Diary", we would have coughed up the extra 12 bucks for the Collector's Edition. - GP

· Elegant Angel (elegantangel.com)

Previously: This Week In Porn Titles Archive

Of all the expressions I might sport if being dragged through the water on a surfboard, topless and in fishnets, Diamond's is not one of them. While the press release does not say if Diamond was indeed a virgin, it stands to reason that losing one's maidenhood might not have been too far out of the circle of possibilities in that getup. Maybe she was just a maiden in terms of waterskiing experience. But kudos on keeping every hair in place. - GP

· "Miami Maidens 10" (DVD info @ platinumblueproductions.com)

Previously: This Week In Porn Titles Archive

The idea of babes wanting to swallow my load—whatever that means—is intriguing, but I have no recollection of filming the tasty and frank Natasha Nice doing it. I also don't think there's anything at all "all-natural" about this. It is an abomination in the eyes of Baby Jesus. But you know what else is an abomination? Consider this line:

"A child, a child/ Shivers in the cold/ Let us bring him silver and gold."

What does a frozen infant want with bling? Wise men, my ass. They can swallow my sperm, those monsters. - GP

· Lethal Hardcore (lethalhardcore.com)
· Buy "Swallow My Sperm POV 2" (gamelink.com)

Previously: This Week In Porn Titles Archive

The immediacy of the first-person is what sets this title apart from its peers. After all, the creepy male gaze would stink up a movie called "She Was Sodomized" and any woman who would need to be told "You Got Sodomized" probably has bigger problems to deal with.

"I've Been Sodomized" is fecund with possibilities. A delighted call to a cherished friend that the magical event has finally happened? A tearful confession to a spurned spouse? The Reason field on a restraining order? Watch it and see!

"I've Been Sodomized" stars Annette Schwarz, Sativa Rose, and Jasmine Tame. The sodomizing begins after the jump. - GP

- - -

Wait a minute. Why are you looking at me? You're being sodomized!

Can that white man's black strap-on take your mind off the fact that you're being sodomized??

Um, who's sodomizing you? The Holy Spirit?

· Red Light District (clubredlight.com)
· Buy "I've Been Sodomized" (adultdvdempire.com)

* * * * *

Previously: This Week In Porn Titles Archive

In business it's important, whether in the black tits field or in any industry, to say what you mean. I have no problem with 75 percent of the words in play in this Elegant Angel title, but these tits are most assuredly not drenched in cum. They are not even glazed. I'm no "CSI: Porn Valley", but it doesn't look as if any attempt was even made to legitimately drench Candace Von's tits; it would be far more accurate to call this movie "Copious Amounts of Cum on Large Areas of Black Tits". But who listens to me?- GP

· Elegant Angel (elegantangel.com)

Previously: This Week In Porn Titles Archive

To be fair, there is nothing in this movie vaguely reminiscent of "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly", even down to the use of an ampersand. Did Tuco Juan Maria Ramirez wear sunglasses? No, he did not. But do I want to see Lee Van Cleef naked? No, I do not. So it is a toss-up, and until Gawker Media unveils its umpteenth site (Piscetti, the blog about about All Things Sergio Leone) we'll take the nudity, thanks.

See some pictures after the gap (unless you want to die alone). - GP

- - -

Very quickly, my notion of who was good, who was bad, and who was slutty went right out the window. For example: Blonde? Good. Tattoos? Slutty. See what I mean?

-

Lady Fleshbot is working overtime!

-
Quick! Someone alert Murray Head and tell him his set is missing!

· Platinum X (PlatinumXPictures.com)
· Buy "The Good, The Bad, & The Slutty" (gamelink.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive

All I can say is: Thank God. Why Lethal Hardcore did not globally replace S with Z in this title is irrelevant to the fact that brothas/z of all stripes, Franciscan, Benedictine, and maybe even the Brother from Another Planet, will agree that "booty", as they call it, is "in abundance", as I call it, in this title which features Jocelyn Jaden, Charlotte Stokely , and our friend Caroline Pierce.

I am reminded of this passage from the Bible: Sailor walks into a bar with a steering wheel embedded in his spine. Bartender says, "Do you know you have a steering wheel in your back?" Sailor goes, "Aye, and it's drivin' me nuts." (Or should we say NUTZ???)
- GP

· Lethal Hardcore (lethalhardcore.com)
· Buy "Bubble Butts Drive Brothas Nutz" (gamelink.com)

Chambers of Commerce around the nation are asking, "How can we make our municipality a 'City of Sluts'? Furthermore, why isn't that dark-haired woman helping that blonde woman with her leg?"

Pine Barrens-based pornography outlet Hardline Studios has released "City of Sluts", shot in Budapest and featuring endo-Eurohotties "as they prowl the city to quell their savage needs for hard-core sex". According to tactfully-omitted information in "City of Sluts"' promotional literature, the burg's redheads are dog-faced ice queens, with little ability to find synonyms for the word 'series': "Director RICASSO is excited about his new HARDLINE STUDIOS series, saying, 'The blondes and brunettes in my series deliver so much fun sex in this series. The way the girls scream in these movies—it's really passionate.'"

(As opposed, luckily, to anguished). - GP

· New Machine (newmachine.com)

Previously: This Week In Porn Titles Archive

Every picture tells a story. So astute is the team at Lethal Hardcore in wedding title to boxcover art that sometimes it is possible to not even watch the movie in order to know exactly what is about to happen. Such was the case with "Big Black Sticks in Little White Slits" in which, as you can imagine, well-endowed black males penetrate the (apparently bleached) labia of smaller caucasian women.

While the accompanying text trumpets "tight white pussies vs. big black boners", it is sad to think of the exchanges within this movie to be competitive ones. It is perhaps fitting that Jayna Woods looks at me rather than that which she's grabbing.

Clearly her partner is in for an afternoon of zingy one-liners and acid repartee. "Hey baby, why you got to play me that way?" - GP

· "Big Black Sticks in Little White Slits" (gamelink.com)
· Lethal Hardcore (lethalhardcore.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive

If one could perform a search engine optimization on a porn box cover, everything would be coming up Ass for Seymore Butts' "Assians Have More Anal Fun", a compilation that includes our pal Mika Tan as well as the lovely but retired Alisha Klass.

With so many awkward references to ass in the title already, why didn't Butts just name the ass-fest "Seymore Butts' Sphinctropolis of Assity Ass Ass McAss Up Your Butt"?

"That's what it's called in Europe," Butts didn't say.
- GP

· "Seymore Butts' Assians Have More Anal Fun" (gamelink.com)
· Seymore Butts (seymorebutts.com)

Previously: This Week In Porn Titles Archive

With the four hour VHS compilation "That Girl Has A Dick", a company called DirectDVDPlatinum has found a quadruple transsexual in a man who looks like a woman who looks like both Gwen Stefani and Madonna—a steal at any price, but an unheard-of bargain at only $3.99.

We're more impressed with the versatility of the woman who made the observation from which the title was taken, however. It seems that the lady chowing down on that dick had to readjust her expectations pretty quickly.
- GP

· DirectDVDPlatinum (DirectDVDPlatinum.com

We're having Clintonesque feelings about Mercenary Pictures's new title, the ambiguous "It's Goin' Down". Is It goin' down so fast that there's no room for an extra G? What is It anyway? Who chose Its direction? Are those women Colorforms? Who will be there to meet It when It lands? Has anyone told Stephen King about this? Only Lexington Steele knows, and he's not telling.- GP

· Mercenary Pictures (lexsteele.com)

Previously: Stupid Porn Titles Archive

Colossal Pictures, which specializes in classy fare from international porn capitals in Brazil and Europe, proudly released "Cum Drink My Vintage Wine" this week. "These are sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy, wine-bottle drinking, classy European ladies," no one associated with the production said. "One of whom's pet gibbon designed the cover."

There is an easter egg on the boxcover that is sure to consume conspiracy theorists for years. If you look under the word "wine", there is a penis sticking out of that man's head. - GP

· Colossal Entertainment (colossalent.com)