Fleshbot: Ponante

Popshots of the Millennium pt. I: The Gangbang Years

Gram Ponante — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 12:00:00 EST

Porn parodies have, as you know, come back into fashion lately, but in the early part of the millennium folks were still working on Gangbang variations like so many sperm-bedecked Glenn Goulds. After the gap: "My XXX Fat Gangbang."

Two colorful porn veterans, the late, lamented Henri Pachard and the very-much alive Rob Spallone collaborated on this project, which was the culmination of years of gangbang extravagance, including Annabelle Chong's celebrated Porn Star 'til Graduation Era and the Houston 500 (which was actually something like 212 guys making a few attempts each).

I had never been to a gangbang outside of my confirmation class, so I was delighted, as a cub AVN reporter in 2002, to watch as heavy men took on heavier ladies (as well as comparatively petite ringleaders Kat Kleevage and Pamela Peaks) in "My XXX Fat Gangbang."

Its significance was only personal; I've since met the exact same kind of person hundreds of times on gangbang sets, both on the splooging and splooge-surface fronts, but that day it was a real revelation. I can still conjure up the smells of despair, bacon, and melon body spray.

Don't get me wrong - there are still dozens of gangbangs shot every year, but even then the day of the porn spectacle was slipping away like an expired domain name written with felt marker on someone's massive left breast. To me, however, it was magic.

We Wish Bobbi Starr A Merry Christmas

Gram Ponante — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 11:30:01 EST

While she, like the infant Jesus, treasures her private time, Bobbi Starr nevertheless is a popular porn star and hautboy-wielding lady about town. We caught up with her at home while she put the finishing touches on her Christmas decorations.

"Ssippi and I eat our breakfast on this little area and our projects usually take up the rest of the table," Starr said of her co-artist and boyfriend, Ssippi, whose Christmas present (we are obliged not to reveal it because Ssippi is web-savvy) arrived that day.

Besides being a fascinating person in her own right, Starr's clothespin Santas and reindeer are pretty sexy themselves, and we resisted primal urges to steal all of them and squeeze her boobs. After all, it's Christmas.

Starr and Ssippi (we just like writing "Ssippi"- glad he doesn't come from Connecticut) are traveling for the holidays (afterward Starr will be signing for Evil Angel at the AVN Expo), but you can find her on Twitter in the meantime.

· Bobbi Starr (twitter.com)

Eye-balling: "Splashes on Glasses 2"

Gram Ponante — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 11:30:01 EST

One of the unlikeliest niches, that of sex culminating in ropey volleys lobbed across the cosmetic (rarely prescription) eyewear of pornstresses, has made it to a second edition just in time for Christmas! Could "The Golden Compass" do that? No.

We're all guardedly unapologetic about liking porn (for example, many of us hasten to say things like "except with animals" or "never on Sukkot" or "unless my ex-wife or ex-fiancee are in it") but a movie like this, which is just as good as any other five-scene Porn Valley gonzo but which has that little something extra, underscores the fact that the cornerstone of all porn, the visible cumshot, here marks both the model and something she owns.

It's like Monica Lewinsky's blue dress, except higher.

What is it about glasses? Why can't it be a hairband or some earrings? Why not pulling out of Andy San Dimas (not that I would) and dropping a load in her purse? Doubtless 2010 will see a flourishing of Pocketbook Porn.

In any case, director/performer Mick Blue should seek sponsorship from LensCrafters for the gratuitous shots of girls' fashion frames. London Keyes gets the fright wig treatment (in which a black-haired woman's hair is radially laced with sperm for a Bride of Frankenstein effect), Hillary Scott proves how much of a pro she is by keeping her eyes open during her post-DP unloading, and Monique Alexander does things she never got to do at Vivid (though she does steal Nina Hartley's look in this picture).

And I'd say more about Aletta Ocean, but my glasses were off by that point.

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Joslyn James Doubly Penetrated: Could That Be Roger Federer?

Gram Ponante — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 11:30:01 EST

In 2007, Lexington Steele shot a movie in which Joslyn James, one of a recent series of Tiger Woods' alleged mistresses, was double-teamed by Jon Jon and Marco Banderas. That's it. No context there. We trust they all got along.

It takes a special person to take a two-porn-dude onslaught and be photographed looking like she's eating them for breakfast, but Joslyn James is one of those people. In "Lex Steele XXX 9," she handles both amicable brutes easily.

While armchair psychologists (and real ones) the world over might scratch their heads about Woods' need to get caught, our goal here is simpler and more gentle. All we'll say is Good for you, Tiger. We bet it seemed like a fantastic idea at the time.

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The Impaling Of Black Anjelika

Gram Ponante — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 11:30:01 EST

Black Anjelika is an entrancing 22-year-old from Romania. When seen naked, she makes the viewer think, "I can't decide where to start." Lucky for us, she appears in "Anal Asspirations 11," so we'll just begin at the back.

Active in the Private/Harmony school of hard-fucking Europeans, Black Anjelika has, in her two years and 50-odd porn scenes, evolved into a garden of porny delights on legs. While there is no mistaking she is a porn performer, one can't help but suspect she is just a little bit wholesome, too, agitating suspicions that she probably got her impossible porn vixen body through the Romanian tradition of bathing in virgins' blood.

It's true: vampires are all over the place over there.

But back to "Anal Asspirations 11." Even though the title itself is a little on the nose (or up the ass) - because you don't need "asspirations" when you've already got "anal," Anjelika has a nice spa day with a dude who can't get enough of her. Lucky bastard.

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"Unfaithful 5": Adultery Looks Better In Portugal

Gram Ponante — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 11:30:01 EST

Five lesbians - four of whom are in couples - rent a beachfront Portuguese villa and sex and heartbreak ensue. Surely these women know that the weight of history is against their emerging from their Sapphic weekend faithful.

Produced by Viv Thomas, the "Unfaithful" series is a beautifully shot and beautifully cast set of videos that does a good job in its attempt to force us to suspend our disbelief long enough to accept that these women are anything like the lesbians we know.

In episode 5, two hotties invite a third, older hottie (Lisa) on their vacation with them. Why? We can only imagine it is because they like watching the aged squirm. The game is afoot, then, as we watch the porn dyke drama unfold to the point that we are certain that this was the plan all the time. They set this up.

They deserve all the adultery they've got coming to them. I have no sympathy. Only lust remains.

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Shirts And Skins: "Sporty Girls 3"

Gram Ponante — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 11:30:01 EST

So rarely in porn do we venture into the world of personal trainers and home badminton courts that we forget the affluent have sex, too. The subtext of "Sporty Girls 3" is that all women are pink beneath their whites.

This movie is exceptionally well shot by William H. and edited by Robert Laplance. The team makes these sunny, upbeat, and strenuous interludes with Monique Alexander (fantastic blowjob), Sadie West (competent soccer player), Phoenix Marie (pliant!), Abbey Brooks (thanks for involving men in your life, finally), and the resurgent Hillary Scott that much more effective.

I am not saying that the five women listed above can't do some major damage just standing there, but a movie like this one, which would be a throwaway in other hands (brief setups of women exercising and then playfully seduced by their partners), really knocks it out of the park, making each performer look her sweaty, alluring best.

As a carnivore, I like a little flesh and jiggle. Only volleyballer Abbey Brooks qualifies as voluptuous - everyone else is either whippet thin or, like Phoenix Marie, muscularly sexy - but each vignette displays teamwork, effort, and vigor. I want these women on my side.

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How The Hot Are Humbled: "Fem Slave 2"

Gram Ponante — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 11:30:01 EST

This is not a true story, as no one looks this good while getting or delivering such a savage humiliation, but Aiden Starr and Sasha Knox in "Fem Slave 2" remind us that Porn really is a holiday fantasyland.

Fem Slave 2

Studio: JM Productions
Director: Mike Ramone
Cast: Aiden Starr, Sasha Knox

Review by: Gram Ponante

Director Mike Ramone, my former editor at AVN, has carved an interesting niche as the director of the "Slave" series, a high-concept day in the life of a group of Masters and slaves, Dommes, Dominants, and submissives that collectively provide the grimmest porn version of this highly ritualized, rule-based lifestyle.

In "Fem Slave 02," we follow evil pixie (she is 4'11") Aiden Starr through her dungeon as she takes fleshy, pink, and vulnerable Sasha Knox through her paces.

Rarely on Planet Earth is there a D/s pairing so attractive as Starr and Knox, and credibility slips a notch further with the relentless gloominess, updated Village People costuming (Starr is both a bottomless nun and a bottomless cop), and Cenobite-friendly soundtrack, but Ramone and Co., once we've suspended our disbelief as expertly as Starr does Knox, deliver an exquisite film about two delicious women playing at power exchange.

Knox spends her nights naked and enclosed in what looks like a giant hanging tea ball. In previous segments of the "Slave" series, audiences got a very intimate view of the proceedings, with just two people on screen. In "Fem Slave 2," the picture is opened up, so we catch glimpses of Starr's support personnel and, occasionally, the flailing feet of another hapless subbie.

One such leather-masked assistant lowers Knox in the teaball for the night's activities, such as getting fucked with a huge black dildo, performing analingus, getting tied up and hung up, penetrated with various objects, and repeatedly reaffirming her worthlessness.

Harsh stuff, and relentless in emphasizing the dynamic over the sex, but the world of the movie (and others in the "Slave" series) is pure and uncomplicated, which is just what those people need.

Starr is a dominatrix when she is not moonlighting in porn or watching SyFy, and Knox recently came out of porn retirement after her stint on "My Bare Lady" and the lonely world of clerical temping. Office work has made her vulnerable, and she, also, is perfectly cast.

While Ramone's days as an editor are over, however, I must take issue with his misspelling of "wont" in the title cards. In the rulebound world of lifestyle BDSM, bitches get slapped for typos.

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If The Russians Love Their "Schoolgirls" Too

Gram Ponante — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 11:30:01 EST

One thing we lack in America is a strong tradition of boarding school-based pornography like they have in Europe, what with their "Young Harlots," "Suspiria," and now "Russian Institute: Back to School." How would our pornstresses handle a French voiceover?

You might say that "The Facts of Life" was pornographic, or even "Dead Poets' Society" with its glabrous scholars. But, aside from American porn's obsession with (but lack of proper use of) the tartan skirt and an occasional peek at Tootie's patootie, we simply lack the class structure to relate to the Sapphic goings-on between girls of privilege and the rough country swains who service their boarding school kitchens.

Director Herve Bodilis leads us through the story of Sabrina and her Francophone friends, all attendees at the Russian Institute. Sabrina is presented to crude village workmen on her first day, and then we watch as she makes her way through the teaching staff.

This movie was literally incomprehensible as I do not speak French, but because the language of the porn narrative is universal, the movie ends not when Sabrina wins her scholarship to the Sorbonne, but when the fifth scene ends.

True to Euro tradition, however, there is a lot of fucking outside and in the ass in this film, and that is more than adequate compensation for my continued puzzlement about how Russians were involved.

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Not So Classics: "Connie & Floyd"

Gram Ponante — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 17:30:01 EST

Aside from the jiggly charms of the poorly-lit 70's exploitation staple Sandy Dempsey, "Connie & Floyd" reminds us that the good old days (of porn) weren't always good.

There is a reason that porn earned its reputation for horrible production values and lackluster directing. The 1973 film "Connie & Floyd," shot at the height of porno chic when production budgets were delivered via bags of cash in dark alleyways, is evidence that, even then, producers believed that people like you would buy anything as long as there was a cumshot in it.

And the fact that this 36-year-old parody of "Bonnie & Clyde" (released six years earlier) has been re-issued with a brand-new box featuring a different car and different costumes than were in the movie, suggests that there are still subscribers to that belief.

All righteous porn consumer anger aside, Sandy Dempsey, the toothy and wholesome star of several porns and sexploitation flicks in the early 70's, looks as good in this movie as anyone can hope to in a ridiculously poorly shot, oversaturated, almost unedited, unprofessionally recorded, trainwreck of a movie that seemed to end only when the cash ran out and not, as you would expect, in a hail of bullets.

There is a pasty orgy, some business with hillbillies, sex on a dirty mattress, and the one great line "Hey let's jig! Let's ball!" delivered several times by an uncredited actor who thought, correctly, that no one would remember it otherwise.

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Party Sluts: This Time They're Asian

Gram Ponante — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 11:30:01 EST

I see them around UCLA; giggling, holding hands, taking pictures of themselves, drunk. Years of stateside complacency have given them alcohol-absorbing curves. But how do I approach and address these creatures? Now I know: They are "Asian Party Sluts."

Kina Kei, Mia Lelani, Jessica Bangkok, London Keyes, and Taylor Kiss have only the slightest qualms about throwing away the dignity of their ancestors to engage in spontaneous and sperm-of-the-moment office and club-adjacent-to-office sex with men who don't care about centuries of rigid protocol and beautiful tradition.

Each performer (personal favorites being the more voluptuous Mia Lelani and London Keyes) gives a sweaty and spirited performance that involves liberal screaming, both orgasmic and the kind one hears from actual party sluts as they cruise down Wilshire Blvd. in an open-roofed limousine.

In other words, this movie was real to me.

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Rotten, Runaway, Tanks, And Tattoos

Gram Ponante — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 11:30:01 EST

Night vision didn't work in the Paris Hilton sex tape, and it doesn't work for Rob Rotten. But at least Rotten figured it out eventually and we, the consumer, can rest assured that "Rotten Home Videos" was made with love.

Rob Rotten is the kind of maverick whose roguery I heartily endorse now or in 2012. This casually-produced (read: ultra low budget) collection of trysts with hookers, porn drifters, and other intriguing types might not win any awards whatsoever, but it does underline the fact that Rotten has the type of friends who have sex with him if he pays them, and who like him enough to not upstage his tattoos.

Ruby Knox and Daisy Tanks are both Rotten standbys from previous movies, and these scenes appear to have been shot around the time these women were working with Rotten already. India Summer and Faye Runaway both have impressive tattoos of their own, and Rotten's interlude with the latter (now out of the porn business), with his ink explosion and her lace up work on both of her pale legs, looks just about artful.

Maybe that wasn't the intention (in fact, I'm sure of it), but we have to find something to enjoy in other people's home movies, don't we?

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Essing The D With Gracie Glam

Gram Ponante — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 11:30:01 EST

Getting a blowjob from agreeable pixie Gracie Glam sounds like a great idea, even if her fellatio career started inauspiciously in a girls' bathroom. But now she's a pro. "I like watching your toes tingle," she says.

I feel that, if one is cum-hungry, it behooves one to be a cocksucker. This way you avoid the value-sapping middleman of a goblet or felching. In "13 Cum-Hungry Cocksuckers," Gracie Glam and others go right to the source.

"I like sucking dick. Who doesn't?" says Glam before leading a troupe of 12 others (each to her own day, I'm thinking) up and down one lucky guy's schlong.

Glam is tiny and amicable, just the type of person to make anyone's cock look big and, even though it's someone else she's attending to in the movie, she has some coded language for you:

"I hope you like watching me Essing the D, baby," she says.

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Creepy Fun At Bare Bottom Prices: "Teens for Cash 6"

Gram Ponante — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 11:30:01 EST

If the problem is that teens will not fuck them because they are old and/or douchebaggy, "Teens for Cash" resolves this issue by throwing money at it.

Teens for Cash 16

Studio: Pink Visual
Director: Various
Starring: Sabrina Starr, Aarielle Alexis, Ellie Idol, Nikki Flame, Juicy Pearl, Rod Fontana, Dick Nasty, Alex Sanders

Review by: Gram Ponante

It's high-concept: porn dudes in that blessed and truthful "I No Longer Care" stage of their careers play the part of documentarians who lure unsuspecting teenage women into their lairs with cash.

Pink Visual, which alone among porn companies makes us forget now and then that all the players are in on the joke, produces this series, now in its 16th iteration, and this one is particularly creepy and fun.

Veteran porn stud Alex Sanders feeds visiting Sabrina Starr (she's returning her dad's tools) cash so that she will remove her clothes and eventually fuck him. What's great about the scene is that Starr is both aware of how much a commodity she is, what with her 19 years and knee socks, but conveys how skeeved out she is while still being game to gobbling cock for cash.

Counting the cash at her feet, Starr acknowledges that it's better pay than babysitting.

The scenarios work best when the girls appear to consider the money and decide that there are worse things they could do for rent. Thus the adorable Aarielle Alexis, wearing a summer dress and delivering their medications to sexagenarian roommates Rod Fontana and Dick Nasty, looks like she's having a good time.

While the May/October trysts were most effective, also enjoyable was the scene between the very skeptical (and hot) Ellie Idol and two younger douchebags, themselves working the "documentary" angle before they started offering cash for blowjobs.

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Dolphin-free Asian Muff Diving

Gram Ponante — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 11:30:01 EST

You know, it's a treat now and then to get a pornographic product featuring people one doesn't know personally who also seem to have no concept of you, the viewer, or why what they are doing might be considered attractive.

It's not as if the performers don't throw themselves into their work, often appearing as if they are playing a high-stakes game of Twister in their muffdivery, but I never got the feeling that they had a sense that I, Gram Ponante, would be watching them when they first removed their clothes. Part of the unspoken contract pornstresses of the past five years have agreed to, I think, is that I must be part of their motivation. After all, I'm right down the street.

That said, "Asian Muff Divers 2" is an intriguing movie, even if the performers seem to be playing for the benefit of some guy in their province rather than me.

· Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
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Scandal: Denise Only Squirts When She Smokes Chronic

Gram Ponante — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 11:30:01 EST

One of my favorite series, wherein I am reminded of a real inner creepiness, is "Crack Whore Confessions." But Denise, cover girl of Volume 6, merely smokes pot. Odd that, this time, my innocence was lost without a crack pipe.

Save for a healthy Tampa pot belly, his dick, and every now and then his arm, director/interrogator Cracker Jack is not seen in these five interviews with real live hookers in Vegas hotel rooms and Florida trailers. But he gets his money's worth from the five working girls, peppering them with questions whose answers get more interesting depending on the interviewee's level of intoxication.

But Denise, a dead ringer for Jennifer Lopez in "Out of Sight" and the most put together (and conventionally attractive) of the bunch, reveals by way of admission into this series that she once squirted while sliding down a stripper pole, high on chronic. The rest of the scene only reveals her increasing skeevishness with Mr. Jack, rather than any crack habit. Once the deed is done she high-tails it out of there.

And good for her. It is a probably a sign of her recovery that she does.

The remaining subjects are far more interesting and Jack's true raincoater status is revealed. The viewer thinks, "It is I who would have to be on crack to accept a blowjob from that substance abuser." And there, but for the grace of a crack pipe, go you.

Would that Cracker Jack take over the helm of Digital Playground's "Jack's Playground" series; I would become a porn fan.

· Crack Whore Confessions (crackwhoreconfessions.com)
· Buy "Crack Whore Confessions 6" (gamelink.com)

Your Titillating Sextuple Date

Gram Ponante — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 13:30:01 EST

Talk about the cool kids' table: Worldly Belladonna, frank Kimberly Kane, gamboling Faye Reagan and Georgia Jones, dangerous Joanna Angel, ubiquitous Sasha Grey, and you. Yes, if you win their company at Saturday's "Winter Wonderland" event benefiting AIM, you.

AIM is Adult Industry Medical, the porn industry's embattled and cash-strapped one-stop for mandatory STD testing. How does the clinic that holds the monopoly on STD testing for the porn industry find itself needing a benefit? Well, it might have something to do with legal bills arising from increasing challenges by L.A. County and City health agencies demanding the porn biz change its condom and testing policies.

Whatever the cause for the low funds is, Kimberly Kane and Belladonna are addressing - in spectacular fashion - the real fear that, should AIM go away, the porn industry will lose its friendly clinic where everyone is respectfully referred to by one's porn name and where one is shielded from the indignity of explaining what ATOGM is in front of a room of screaming babies.

The benefit at L.A.'s awesome Busby's East (formerly the Conga Room) features the aforementioned date to end all dates raffle as well as appearances by several Wicked Girls (including a jessica drake gift basket sadly not containing jessica drake), Courtney Cummz, Nicki Hunter, Nina Hartley, and probably everyone else.

Not only that, but celebrity MC duties will be handled by Brody Stevens, Chris Nieratko, Ari Shaffir, and Steve Agee. And, almost as exciting as the thought of a 14-foot game of Footsie under your dream date table, my band, Fogelfoot, will also be there. But we will not date you. (There is also a band called The Makers, and I am assured they are nice young men.)

Organizer Kane tells us that all proceeds of the evening (which features two full bars) will be going to AIM. So, if you want Beladonna's ass to continue to be haunted by friendly ghosts, we'll see you on Saturday.

· Belladonna And Kimberly Kane's Winter Wonderland (posterous.com)
· AIM (aim-med.org)

Aletta Ocean And Why "Slam"ming It Is Really The Only Option

Gram Ponante — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 11:30:01 EST

Aletta Ocean is a captivating Hungarian who will be 22 later this month. Prior to her boob job she almost looked wholesome, but now, with rhinestones ringing her 3-D nipples and thigh-high stockings, well, she sure doesn't.

And that is why Ocean adorns the cover of Gazzman's "Slam It! In A Filthy Fucker," a movie that begins with an impossible crane up the back of Ocean's legs, stopping at the first available Slamming entrance.

As I said, there is absolutely nothing wholesome and girl-next-door about Ocean in this getup. Were I to bring her home to my mother (I wouldn't), the latter would slap me across the face. "I'm not blind," my mother would say.

We have seen a post-augmentation Ocean in Private's "Fuck My Big Boobs" (yes, please) and "6 Sluts in Uniform Take it Up the Ass," but this scene, shot in available afternoon light on a wood floor, really gives credit to the title.

"Yes," you will say, "there is nothing to do but Slam It. Now I understand perfectly."

· Harmony UK (harmonyuk.com)
· Buy "Slam It! In A Filthy Fucker" (gamelink.com)

Your Euro XXXmas Goose: "A Fucking Christmas Dinner"

Gram Ponante — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 15:00:01 EST

Since I go home for the holidays, Private's team of leggy and melon-scented pornstresses gave me a ballseye view of how they celebrate Christ's birth on the continent - by fucking on the table. It truly is a wonderful life.

You know how when you do your missionary work in countries where they have never seen a Honda or television and they bring you local delicacies that you would never eat but you are doubly touched by the effort? This is how I felt when the gloriously nude Mandy Bright, playing "Mrs. Miller," somehow manifested a cellphone whilst applying jellies to her supple form, called her son while the latter was being blown in a car, and informed him to get home soon because "The Spencers" were coming over.

Their English is awful, but so much better than my Magyar would be, and in a way reduces anyone's go-to gripe about porn acting to nothing; all these people need to do is get from Point A to Point B (Point B being a double-anal creampie delivered within inches of a turkey) and, if some halting English makes these stunning Baltic beauties seem more human, then I have no problem.

I wish only that they would be as indulgent of me when I try to discuss "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" in their native tongue.

Well, the Spencers arrive but the only real eating is out, if you know what I mean. And I think you do. So while there isn't too much dinner in this movie, there sure is a lot of fucking. And that, I think, is the true meaning of Christmas.

· Private (private.com)
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RealTouch: Your Awesome Robot Rubout

Gram Ponante — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 13:00:00 EST

Is it a blowjob? A handjob? No, putting your junk in the RealTouch is like fucking the Matrix, the rabbit hole lined with shockingly personal conveyor belts and the moneymakers of various Jennas, Toris, and Brees at the other end.

Consider the best porn movies which are, let's say, a concerted effort between performers, videographers, and directors to get you off. The RealTouch adds yet another participant to your masturbation's open marriage: a hard-working haptic encoder.

The RealTouch device is slightly bigger than that squash you devoured yesterday, and far more interesting to put your penis in. Opposite your penis, a USB cable connects the RealTouch hardware to your computer where, logged in to your account at RealTouch.com, you can access hundreds of scenes specially coded for use with your new conversation starter.

Starting with an ever-increasing library of straight, gay, and even anime P.O.V. videos, RealTouch's North Carolina-based programmers then assiduously mark, frame by frame, each movement of (for example) Tori Black's mouth, adjusting for heat, wetness, friction, and ferocity, sending these routines to two opposing conveyor belts within the machine. Ditto Tori's hands, ass, and vagina.

Unlike other marital aids in which the user actually has to do more work to operate them, the RealTouch is particularly eager to please. You select a video and put your dick in a machine. Science and your own self-control do the rest.

"I just stood there," one test subject said. "It really did all the work for me."

One drawback of the RealTouch is that it is not yet Mac compatible. So I farmed out the job of testing the device and its web interface to three PC users. Top of the list of my review criteria was not to tell me how weird it was.

"Look," I said. "We know it's weird."

Initial web setup and login to the RealTouch account were simple, followed by a Windows Media-based software download that was considerably less difficult than a WordPress install. Our review model made a whirring sound and one subject was tentative about making a penile approach to it.

"I didn't know if I'd come back," he said.

But they were Heroes, and each on different occasions tried videos with Tera Patrick, Ashlynn Brooke, Tori Black, Bree Olson, and Jenna Jameson, noting that Bree used up a lot of lube.

The belts work in conjunction with heating coils, a lube reservoir, and a simple adjustably tight seal (but haptics don't care how big you are). Is one hole different from the other? The belts squeeze tighter and the coils heat hotter when you're in Bree's ass.

Cleaning, refilling, and transporting this machine require, as you'd imagine, a commitment, but not one our test subjects, each either happily married or otherwise partnered, minded ("but watch out for leaks," one said).

What I find fascinating about the RealTouch is that someone in Charlotte was focusing as intently on Jenna Jameson or Lisa Ann (or dozens of other actresses) as you would be, dropping coder's keystrokes in anticipation of your eventual loads.

So, even though masturbation is a personal experience, the RealTouch proves that it takes a village to jerk you off.

· RealTouch (realtouch.com)

Ziggy Masturbates At You

Gram Ponante — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 11:30:01 EST

Implicit in the title "12 Nasty Girls Masturbating" is the belief that these 12 women could be fucking you, yet they choose to masturbate and have it filmed. That's not just nasty, that's downright cruel.

As Marie McCray begins her fascinating masturbation story (while driving to Illinois, she just had to pull over at a rest area and rub one out), we find ourselves thinking, "Cut it out with the little girl voice and do something." Luckily she does, but not before saying that she is 24 ("but you could never tell") and from Indiana ("but you could never tell").

Thus begins the 15th volume of "12 Nasty Girls Masturbating," which gives us two kinds of nasty: Dirty Nasty (London Keyes, Kelly Skyline) and Not Exactly Nasty (McCray). In between, however, we get people like Sweden's Ziggy who says that she's 20 and that she's been in the adult business for almost three years (the math works out when we take into account the almost).

The nastiest cut of all is that the most effective masturbators just leave the viewer with the desire to invite them over for Level Two.

· Madness Pictures (madnesspictures.com)
· Buy "12 Nasty Girls Masturbating 15" (gamelink.com)

Girls from Down Under Go Down Under

Gram Ponante — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 11:30:01 EST

"Girls Make Love" might have seemed to non-existent Australian Abby Winters a very simple title for this sunlit lesbian romp, but it made me wonder what the women were doing while the girls were being all soft and romantic?

The first DVD we've seen since AW's Melbourne offices were raided this past June, "Girls Make Love" is an odd choice of title considering the reason police descended: a charge of using underage models.

AW supporters called the raid a witch hunt instigated by a Rupert Murdoch-owned paper and disgruntled former AW employees. Company president Garion Hall was arrested but released from custody the same day, saying that nothing had been seized.

But all this is context for a movie featuring three trysts between women cavorting on comfy beds and couches, their alabaster skin shining slightly with sweat, their hips satisfyingly roomy, looking like the type of women cryptically thanked in the liner notes of 70's albums.

Abby Winters has been criticized for its cash payments to models and (some say) its coercive tactics on naive young women. The same can be said of the American or European porn industry. But it is hard to see evidence of coercion or risky business on Abby Winters DVDs - each looks nothing but wholesome and sunny.

Of course, wholesome and sunny are relative terms considering what we usually get around Fleshbot West.

· Abby Winters (abbywinters.com)
· Buy "Girls Make Love" (gamelink.com)

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Those Were The Days: "Teen Japan 5"

Gram Ponante — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:30:01 EST

It figures that if anyone could invent a time machine, it would be these Japanese teens, captured in the full bloom of their barely-legalness in a more innocent time (2005). Stay tuned for "Early Twenty-something Japan" in 2013.

Makoto! Miho! Nana! Narumi! Yes, these women probably blushed and simpered when they first donned white underpants and doffed their kimonos for the pornographer's camera, happy only that no tentacles or eels were involved.

Miho and Narumi, in particular, give off a particular late afternoon glow, and we wonder what they are up to now, four years later. What do you know at 22 that you didn't at 18, Narumi? We ask.

While we might look at "Insatiable" today and know that Marilyn Chambers was 20 when she shot it, "Teen Japan 5" came out this week and contains images of women who were last teens when Junichirō Koizumi was Prime Minister! It's freaky.

· Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
· Buy "Teen Japan 5" (tlavideo.com)

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Popshots: Down And Dusty with Alice And Her Dirty Sister

Gram Ponante — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:00:00 EST

Sunny Lane's fuck-me heels are sinking into the dusty hillside. On the set of Erica McLean's and Carlos Batts's porn version of "Alice in Wonderland," we remember that sometimes America's porn stars get caked with something other than loads.

This porn version of "Alice," the third to be shot this year, promises something far more Sunny (the delicious Sunny Lane is the most deceptively wholesome of the three Alices) and, well, less Stormy and Grey.

Not only that, but the movie, which wrapped yesterday at McLean's ranch in Sunland, will be released concurrently with Tim Burton's version of "Alice," slated for February 2010.

We've already visited the Hole, the dungeon down which Alice follows the rabbit (the rabbit is Lavish Styles), and now we're ready for the Mad Hatter's tea party, hosted by Evan Stone. But first Kimberly Kane must masturbate.

"I play Alice's dirty sister," says Kane, in yet another impressive hairdo. "I masturbate while reading this illustrated 'Story of O.'"

It's the last day of shooting and the mountainside is decorated Wonderland-style. Dust blows up the canyon and Sunny Lane and Kimberly Kane do their best to not squint at the camera. McLean's dogs, horses, and assembled menagerie try to avoid the camera.

Lane, just back from a month-long stint at the Moonlite Bunnyranch, is greeted warmly by Kane, who stands out in the porn world for having something nice to say about everybody.

"You are the sweetest thing," said Kane as Lane tottered down the hill. Soon they would be naked, with dust everywhere, but we will preserve the fantasy for a little while longer.

· Erica McLean (hardcorecircusxxx.com)
· Carlos Batts (carlosbatts.com)

If You've Ever Wondered: "WKRP in Cincinati"

Gram Ponante — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 11:30:01 EST

Supertramp. Jan Smithers. Loni Anderson before Burt Reynolds. Could there be a richer lode of porn gold than "WKRP in Cincinnati"? (Of course there could, but how often do we get the chance to write about Supertramp and Smithers?)

WKRP in Cincinnati: A XXX Parody

Studio: New Sensations
Director: Lee Roy Myers
Starring: Ashlynn Brooke, Evan Stone, Ryan McLane, Holly Heart, Scott Lyons, Ralph Long, Tee Reel, Rod Fontana, Kagney Linn Karter, Andy San Dimas, Jackie Daniels, Faye Reagan

Review by: Gram Ponante

New Sensations' latest (as of 2 this afternoon, check back in 15 minutes) porn parody faithfully recreates and pornifies the beloved 80's show that made a bombshell out of Loni Anderson, a star out of Howard Hesseman, and a Trivial Pursuit question of Gary Sandy.

Supertramp is in town and WKRP finally has a chance to show a profit by running a contest for front row tickets. But the tickets get lost! In the meantime, dissolute DJ Dr. Johnny Fever (Evan Stone) must keep some enthusiastic 'tramp fans at bay (I call them 'tramp), while the two unlikeliest pairings of anyone in the cast (Ashlynn Brooke's Jennifer with Ralph Long's Herb/Holly Heart's Bailey with Scott Lyons' Les) make for a parody that fans of the original show will appreciate for its attention to detail while reconsidering the necessity of parodying the show in the first place.

All ends well as Jennifer calls up Supertramp's lead singer—a personal friend—to replace the tickets.

New Sensations scores by getting Rick Davies' name right as well as correctly spelling Cincinnati. Had the company not released gems like "The Sex Files," this might be all we could hope for from a porn world that thinks only dummies buy its movies. But in the end, a suspect laugh track and a cast that likely contained only two people (Rod Fontana as Mr. Carlson and Evan Stone) who remembered the original show, leave me feeling a little Les-Nessman-than enthusiastic about this parody. Supertramp and I are looking forward to "True Blood"y Well Right.

· New Sensations (newsensations.com)
· Buy "WKRP in Cincinnati: A XXX Parody" (gamelink.com)

When Marilyn Chambers Was "Insatiable"

Gram Ponante — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 11:30:01 EST

Heiress and starlet Sandra Chase (Marilyn Chambers) has everything but, as she tells anyone who will listen in "Insatiable," she doesn't have—oh wait. She has everything.

Insatiable 30th Anniversary Edition

Studio: Dynasty
Director: Godfrey Daniels
Starring: Marilyn Chambers, John Holmes, Jesie St. James, Serena, John Leslie, Mike Ranger, Richard Pacheco, Joan Turner

Review by: Gram Ponante

1980's "Insatiable" was a landmark in that it solidified a lack of conflict as an essential porn plotline. Between lounging in stateside mansions, jaunts in her Ferrari, or strolling through London with her aunt (doubtless the family of "Joan Turner" is still puzzling about that one), Chase lets us know that she's fine with her random string of encounters in jacuzzis, on pool tables, by the side of the road, and (of course) in dream sequences.

We learn that after her parents' and sibling's death in a tram accident in Switzerland (I'm not kidding), young Sandra decided to live her life the way she wanted. That's fine, but it seems like she was already doing exactly what she wanted when her dad was alive; in a flashback to the loss of her virginity, she is bent over the pool table by her father's rough and lusty gardener (David Morris).

Not that director Godfrey Daniels (now working as Stu Segall, producer of the Fred Dryer-tastic "Hunter" franchise) coasted; "Insatiable" is a competently shot and well-acted gem from a time that, as Chambers says in a pair of 2005 documentaries included on the generous disc, was "really wonderful."

Chambers is the main attraction of this movie. Athletic and sweet (we see her do a double-take on a box of Ivory Snow), Chambers radiates wholesomeness but just happens to be insatiable. This takes the form, in every instance but one (she picks up a hitchhiker) of things being done to her. Perhaps it is never enough, as the title implies, but she seems outwardly content.

We are also treated to an excellent, utterly unrelated to the movie, and inscrutable theme song, part of which goes:

"Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstandin' between two fools
You gave me all your love love but what did I do? I broke all the rules
As far as I can see
Love's Insatiable to me
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me!"

The 30th anniversary edition, released by a well-connected Chatsworth distributor called Dynasty, features two commentaries by Chambers and Gloria Leonard as well as a pair of featurettes documenting Chambers' appearance at Hollywood's Pussycat Theatre in 1980 as well as a 2005 interview.

Chambers, who died early in 2009, was found by her daughter, McKenna, in a trailer in Canyon Country north of Los Angeles. Chambers refers to McKenna several times in the featurettes, saying she was the best thing to happen to her.

Born in Westport, Connecticut, Chambers found early success as a model ("Eileen Ford said I was too fat") in New York before moving to San Francisco. In addition to her Ivory Snow gig ("I was the mother on the box," Chambers says, "and - contrary to popular belief, that is not Brooke Shields as the baby") she played Robert Klein's girlfriend in the Barbra Streisand movie "The Owl and the Pussycat."

It was on a publicity tour for "Pussycat" that she arrived in and fell in love with San Francisco. Chambers hints that modeling work may have been drying up at that point, else she would not have answered an ad from porn kings the Mitchell Brothers in the San Francisco Chronicle.

"The form said, 'Are you comfortable with a balling role?" Chambers said, "and I wanted to believe it said 'a bowling role.'"

That film was "Behind the Green Door" and it made Chambers famous.

"Had I thought about it I wouldn't have done it," Chambers said. "And the look in my parents' eyes when they found out...."

Watching the documentaries with an understanding that Chambers was not happy with her life ("A lot of people are making a lot of money off my name," she says ruefully), and the knowledge that her plans for a series of sex instruction tapes would not come to fruition, it makes the viewer sad for the still-youthful Chambers.

Despite this, "Insatiable" as a document and the extras as a then and now snapshot (Chambers in cutoff jeans and no panties standing on Santa Monica Boulevard in 1980, before AIDS hit the porn world, driving off in a chauffered Bentley) are as compelling and poignant as they are sexy.

I would have liked to see Chambers' instructional videos. As a preview, she said that threesomes with friends were a bad idea. "That's fine and dandy," she said, "but call a hooker."

She also said that it was a woman's job to perfect fellatio.

"It's up to you to learn how to give a blowjob," she said. "Because he won't tell you."

We wish the sadder-but-wiser Chambers were still around.

· Dynasty (dynastygroupdvd.com)
· Marilyn Chambers - Beyond the far door (gramponante.com)
· Buy "Insatiable" (tlavideo.com)

Uniformed Euro-Sluts And Where They're Taking It

Gram Ponante — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 15:00:00 EST

Here's what we know: These sluts wear uniforms, take it in the ass, and there are six of them. I don't know what else you expected from "6 Sluts in Uniform Take It Up the Ass."

I am loving the Europorn lately because there is a refreshing lack of anyone saying "Muah" in it.

Not only that, but "6 Sluts in Uniform Take It Up the Ass" also really speaks to what I'm thinking now. High-heeled baton-licking prison guard? Recently on my mind. Cowgirl? Check. Nurse? Always.

But Readers, it's not so much the uniforms as the fact they are dispatched with, or at least folds of which parted, to allow access. And not just to the ass, but everywhere.

Again, I can't understand what everyone is saying, but I don't need to now that I know that, somewhere in the world, "6 Sluts in Uniform Take It Up the Ass."

· Private (private.com)
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"The Corpse Wore Pasties": Dangerous Burlesque!

Gram Ponante — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 13:30:01 EST

You think today's strain of burlesque is all wholesome and sex positive? Not if you bogart someone's act, sister. Hard Case Crime's "The Corpse Wore Pasties" shows that there's no such thing as friendly competition when tassels are involved.

Burlesque performer Jonny Porkpie wrote the pulp tome (we covered Christa Faust's "The Money Shot" last year) and the book will be feted at the fetid Bleecker Street Theatre on November 21 and 28 with a stage presentation of "Corpse"'s plot performed by burlesque hoofers Dirty Martini, Jo Boobs, Madame Rosebud, and Clams Casino, as well as the book's cover models, Nasty Canasta and GiGi LaFemme.

When is the last time you saw one of your favorite storybooks enacted on stage? And was there almost-nudity in "Shrek On Ice"? No there wasn't.

· Lurid Lunch (pinchbottom.com)
· "The Corpse Wore Pasties" (hardcasecrime.com)

Bree Olson: Headlights For The Blind

Gram Ponante — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 11:30:01 EST

Bubba the Love Sponge seems reprehensible on his "Bubba Raw 4," in which the Howard/Opie-esque radio host tries to convince Bree Olson that one of his lackies is blind. He appears scandalized when she doesn't believe him.

Mr. Sponge escorted fellow Southerner Stormy Daniels to the AVN Awards a few years back, so we knew he was of the populist "Jackass" variety of radio hosts, and he has since released several editions of his uncut studio exploits with porn stars and hapless employees.

"But this Bree bitch wasn't believing that Steve was blind," huffs Bubba.

Probably because he wasn't.

The idea was that Olson would be introduced to employee Steve, decked out in sunglasses and walking stick, and perhaps feel sympathetic enough to his condition that she would give him a handjob.

But she wasn't buying it.

"I think you guys are messing with me," she says. "I don't think he's really blind."

Radio interviews with mass market DJs are still among the gold rings of porn publicity, so Olson puts up with the ruse for a while, and then, in a clear gesture of "Whatever," she begins texting. Moments later, she exits the Florida studio and walks at a clip down the road, pursued by a cameraman and another Sponge minion.

"Then she had a total meltdown!" Bubba drawls.

Olson grabs the camera and won't let go, demanding to get the tape. Sponge underlings give her a blank tape and make their getaway.

"Bubba Raw 4" features various segments of nudity a la "Girls Gone Wild" and cruelty to employees a la Howard Stern, but it's not as entertaining or as original, and that's saying a little. Sorry you had to deal with that, Bree.

· Evolution Distribution (evolutiondist.com)
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Well, If You Insist: "Fuck My Big Boobs"

Gram Ponante — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 17:00:00 EST

If you're like me, you came for the Eastern European big boobs, but you stayed to get a glimpse of the type of persons the credits refer to as "Mugur" and "Choky Ice."

Fuck My Big Boobs

Studio: Private
Cast: Aletta Ocean, Black Angelika, Lisa Del Sierra, Terry, Jessica Moore, Mugur, Lauro Giotto, James Brosman, Leslie Taylor, Choky Ice

Review by: Gram Ponante

Even if you are not a fan of big breasts wielded by tiny, multilingual women, my feeling about you is that you will appreciate their dusky fleshiness and call your ravel agent, as they say in Italy, pronto.

The first couple warms each other up on a leather couch much like the one we have here at Fleshbot West. She unwraps a large glass dildo that he gamely rubs between her breasts. "I see this; I am hot," she says and, even though he is defying porn logic by deriving no pleasure for himself by rubbing the dildo thusly, we are reminded of the European's giving nature.

So, like breasts themselves, this movie is wholesome that way. I admit that I felt scandalized by the boxcover copy:

Are you a tit man? Are you boobsessed by baps. Isn't it the most tit-anic sensation when you hold those heavy warm milk churns in your hands? Doesn't it make your dick twitch just picturing them? Private brings you bags of fun with funbags. You will run out of tissues a lot sooner than you planned. These ladies love to have their bazookas fondled while they get fucked hard and long, their big boobs swinging and bouncing about making their pussies dripping wet for more cock and cum.

"What the hell are baps?" I said, making a note to get more tissues at Ralph's.

There are three kinds of big boobs in this movie: the big natural kind, the big fake kind that might pass as natural, and the reverse-engineered from spacecraft big bolt-ons. I have to say that all look great on their bearer, but would not work on anyone else; the red-haired siren with the zaftig jugs would not be served with the comparatively smaller but perfectly round boobs of her costar.

Likewise the wiry thing with the blue/black hair and perfect fake tits would not be any better off with her girlfriend's natural mams. (Mams is the American word for baps, by the way.)

There is no plot to this movie, but you don't need one. If you're Choky Ice and someone asks you to fuck her big boobs, you say "Ja."

· Private (private.com)
· Buy "Private Specials 27: Fuck My Big Boobs" (gamelink.com)

Ancient Swedish And French Porn From The Empire State

Gram Ponante — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 11:30:01 EST

Just as the world is fascinated with America, what with our Arby's, Don Cheadle, and Totoro, so are we enraptured by the rest of the world. Today we look at the classic pornos "French Schoolgirls" and "Swedish Sorority Girls."

You should know that no Swedes or French were fucked in the making of these films.

Since it is illegal to film most actual schoolgirls (unless they're on the five-year plan), we already know that Porn provides an extended adolescence for 24-year-olds to jump into pigtails and schoolgirl drag. Sadly, that prospect is moot in "French Schoolgirls," a badly shot and poorly edited compilation from long before its 1980 release credit, in which no French is spoken and no schoolgirl is deflowered.

But it's especially interesting to watch classic porn; perhaps because not only are these women currently older than us, but they also just look older on film.

It's also fun to watch classic porn because of the widely varying standards. While we have plenty of filmmakers today who consider their work Art, the condition was rampant in the so-called Golden Age. Hence why two Brooklyn-accented women discussing their sexual fantasies on a waterbed whilst smoking cigarettes and generally appearing to be in their late 20's are somehow the basis for calling this film "French Schoolgirls."

To reiterate: aside from the scratchy pop music in the background, nothing about this film (shot in New York City) is French.

It's a pretty bad film by any standard, but shots of the New York subway and John Holmes in his prime (the film credits him as John "Wadd" Holmes - can you imagine watching "Black Snake Moan" with Christina "The Ice Storm" Ricci?) are compelling. Oh, and one of the women appears to be fucking Freddie Mercury.

"Swedish Sorority Girls," on the other hand (starring Colleen Anderson, Karen Havens, Roger Caine, Paula Morton, David Christopher, Samantha Fox [yes, that Samantha Fox], Vee Summers, Clea Carson, and Joey Silvera [as Joey Civera, for some reason]) at least makes an effort, even if it is a laughable one.

For one thing, it has snow. For another, all the Americans say "ja" a lot and call each other by Ingrid or Sven. When Ingrid's American cousin flies into what appears to be a snow-covered Albany airport, the Ikeaporn begins.

Like "French Schoolgirls," however, no pretense is made in this film to justify the sorority of the title.

Though both films were released in 1980 ("French Schoolgirls" appears much older), it is clear that, even then, producers were aware that they could pretty much get away with anything as long as nudity was involved.

And that is true even to this day. Sometimes I show a little nipple when I don't have enough cash for the tip at TGI Friday's.

But at least "Swedish Sorority Girls," with its snowball fights, gratuitous "Ja"s, and a blonde, tries.

· VCX (vcx.com)

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"Crash Pad 5": Now With Actual Padding

Gram Ponante — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 11:30:01 EST

Feel a little creepy watching porn? Guess what: lesbians think you're creepy, too. In this latest episode of "The Crash Pad," an unblinking techie monitors for your benefit the Sapphic (and bepenised) goings-on at a sex drop-in center for Ladies.

The Crash Pad 5: Revolving Door

Studio: Blowfish
Director: Shine Louise Houston
Cast: August, Stacy Staxxx, Rex, Scarlett Chaos, Red, Cyd Loverboy, Kuma, Julie Warren, Shawn, Mickey Mod

Review by: Gram Ponante

Not that the whole creepy/proxy thing is spelled out. Indeed, little is explained in the "Crash Pad," other than the format for this episode is similar to that of its predecessors: there's someone watching, but she has no bearing on the antics of those she watches.

So if she has no bearing, if no one discovers her, if her watching has no effect on the watched, why do we even see her? No reason, really, other than just the slightest whiff of context always makes porn more exciting. It is like "Wide World of Animals" if Marlon Perkins had just stayed out of the beasties' way.

Well, not really. But we like to watch regardless.

And this episode has a lot to watch, such as the very first scene, in which transsexual Stacey Staxxx offers herself as a birthday present for (at first) dubious girlfriend August.

"It really made me feel pretty," August said.

"So," a no-nonsense bespectacled woman rocking Joanna Angel hair says to a plaid-shirted pickup, "when I saw you at the club you were flagging orange. That means Anything Goes. You ready to put your money where your mouth is?"

Another couple trusses, tussles, and straps each other, the top pummeling her partner's chest in a rain of blows you would not see in straight porn. There is caning, spitting, and an aggressiveness that the viewer feels is just fine with the submissive.

"You want me inside you?" says a bald top wielding a whip.

"Yes Sir," her partner says, flouting the patriarchy it took ages to get Just So.

In straight porn there really isn't such a thing as politics. There is only "When will she do anal?" But in "The Crash Pad 5," the final scene is one that has people talking, has people angry, has people blushing.

The final scene is between sunny-faced dyke Shawn (aka Syd Blakovich) and a man named Mickey Mod. In the world of the scene, he is sitting on the bed of the Crash Pad and Shawn walks in, thinking she found the wrong place.

It doesn't take her long to reconsider. As she says in the BTS interview, "Gender doesn't matter if you find someone attractive." And the scene they do together, featuring mutual masturbation and what I imagine is the first cumshot in this series, is a lot of fun. I hope no one burns down the Crash Pad for it.

"The Revolving Door" is a just a little darker than the other episodes of the "Crash Pad" series, but director Shine Louise Houston shines an expert light on a portion of the citizenry we don't see enough of.

· Crash Pad Series (crashpadseries.com)
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Private Dicks (And Pussies): "Criminal Sex Investigation"

Gram Ponante — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 15:00:00 EST

Had enough of porn parodies? Not yet, Comrade. Imagine, if you will, an Eastern European porn adaptation of "CSI: Las Vegas" and you get the Private's porntastically unfathomable "Criminal Sex Investigation."

Criminal Sex Investigation

Studio: Private
Director: Antonio Adamo
Cast: Regina Moon, Viva Style, Alexa Bold, Carla Cox, Leah Lush, Denis Marti, Cristian David, Marco Nero, Mike Angelo

Review by: Gram Ponante

We have seen many of these beautiful (the women) and comically noirish (the guys) characters before in other Private movies, but what is fantastic about this outing (in addition to the hot Eurosex spawned by five weeks of vacation each year) is the stock footage of Vegas interpolated with both Eastern bloc interiors and performers, none of whom speaks English in a recognizable way.

You may say, "Oh, Grams, I'm not looking to have these performers anchor my high school speech and debate club; I just want to jack/jill off to them."

Well you do that.

We watch through flashbacks the last hours of a beautiful escort's life and follow a tough LVPD dick (Denis Marti) as he visits local haunts to solve her hot, fetishy Euro-murder.

Our detective is not above engaging in a double penetration to get the data he needs. Just so you know.

Nor is the movie afraid to tap into the 90's craze for techno treatments of Gregorian chants for background music, either.

While every death is a tragedy, "Criminal Sex Investigation" teaches us that the greatest purpose of life is to fuck a lot and leave a sexy corpse.

I'm going to get started right now!

· Private (private.com)
· Buy "Criminal Sex Investigation" (gamelink.com)

Niche Alert: Japanese Cowsplay

Gram Ponante — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 11:30:01 EST

The Japanese have given us so much: Poi, Dokken, the Hewlett-Packard Laserjet 4000N. But they've also given us a distinctive pornic costume style. What happens, then, when Japanese pornstresses dress like their Western counterparts?

J-Girls Dress Up Fantasy

Studio: Third World Media
Cast: Miku Hayama, Mayu Yamaguchi, Natsuki Luima, Seira Radno, Makoto Amano

Review by: Gram Ponante

Not too much, really, but that's not the point: the costume does not define the person. Even though the trepidatious Miku Hayama and Makoto Amano are dressed as saucy French maids, they quiver and weep at the attentions of their scene partners.

And Mayu Tamaguchi, done up as the standard schoolgirl, actually behaves in a scholarly fashion rather than flouting the outfit in the way her Porn Valley sisters would.

Seira Radnu mixes and matches various Western military outfits, and she and Natsuki Luima actually appear to be having fun as their very enthusiastic and earnest Nipponese helpmeets maul and paw them.

The giggly Luima is my favorite of this bunch, though her scene in spotted pajamas is over too soon.

· Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
· Buy "J-Girls Dress Up Fantasy" (tlavideo.com)

Not A Parody: "Gimme A Fucking Spring Break"

Gram Ponante — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:30:01 EST

Did we for a moment wonder if Pink Visual had jumped into the parody market and signed Jada Fire to play Nell Carter a la Charlize Theron playing Aileen Wuornos? No, we're not dumb. But these Spring Breakers are!

One of Pink Visual's superpowers is making viewers suspend their disbelief just enough to accept that any of these Florida beach resort pickups actually happened.

There's the creepy date-rapey dialogue, the spectre of alcohol-related decision-making, and the casting of people who probably drew on a wealth of personal experience. But we assure you that all these folks knew they were making a porn movie, signed off beforehand, and were paid. Probably not enough to ever compensate for that white dude with the cornrows, but they were paid.

This is a guilty pleasure of a movie with just enough talking to make you think, "For the love of God, shut up and fuck."

· Pink Visual (pinkvisual.com)
· Buy "Gimme A Fucking Spring Break" (gamelink.com)

Leave The Closet Door Open For "Seven Minutes in Heaven"

Gram Ponante — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 11:30:01 EST

There is something Unitarian Universalist about Courtney Trouble's charming all-girl (and trans) spin-the-bottle romp "Seven Minutes in Heaven: Coming Out," but instead of free coffee and homemade lemon squares, newcomers get strapped.

Seven Minutes in Heaven: Coming Out

Studio: Reel Queer Productions
Director: Courtney Trouble
Cast: Joline Parton, Sarah Lee Sinful, Carson, Sophia, Puck Goodfellow, Tina Horn, Jae

Review by: Gram Ponante

In a brightly-lit room in San Francisco, seven women, most of whom have never appeared naked on camera before, and a few of that number that have never been with women before, assemble for a spin-the-bottle party.

There's the absolutely adorable Joline Carson and Sophia, newcomer Sarah Lee Sinful, the dashing Puck Goodfellow, sunny Jae with the "48" ass," down-to-business Carson, and my personal favorite, "sleazy rock and roll faggot" Tina Horn.

And what follows is a testament to how good porn can be if the participants simply like each other.

Director Trouble makes sure to light the rooms so we can see, mic the stars so we can hear, and then she simply backs up and lets them flirt with each other.

Frankly, aside from the extra strap-on action and a lack of fake boobs, there is little difference between "Seven Minutes in Heaven" and a (Courtney) trouble-free "Cousin Stevie's Pussy Party," in that each of the participants knows she is there for the day so she might as well enjoy it.

Doubtful if the director was too (Courtney) troubled about whether this movie would be accessible to a straight audience, but I appreciated that I as a viewer was not made to feel excluded, as I often do when porn aimed outside my demographic shuts me out with manners, rules, and jargon. I felt like I could have been sitting slightly out of frame reading "Tropic of Cancer" while the cast got to know each other, and I would not have been asked to leave.

· Good Releasing (goodreleasing.com)
· Buy "Seven Minutes in Heaven" (gamelink.com)

Don't Toss Us Away, Valeria

Gram Ponante — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 11:30:01 EST

The cover of "Big Titted First Timers 7" looks like a Lone Justice sex tape. Who is that woman with the 90's hair and tan lines? Turns out it's Valeria and this compilation is a trip to the 2257-exempt past.

You may have heard of the 2257 recordkeeping requirements that keep all legitimate porn studios on their toes with the mandate of maintaining scrupulous age verification and identification records. When they went into effect in 1995, it signaled, among other things, the dawn of a time when a fan could find all the movies his crush object had been in no matter what alias she used.

Unfortunately, this compilation features scenes from the early 90's, as evidenced by the fashions, technology, and videotape haze of the proceedings. Not only that, but there is also no way of finding out whatever happened to this natural-breasted and clearly-over-18 beauty seen flopping around in the jacuzzzi with a dude who probably would not get too much work were he to be getting into the business today (only Eva Angelina is allowed to wear glasses).

NB: We are also treated to a scene with Dawn, who delicately takes out her false teeth whilst blowing a guy.

We hope you're doing well, Valeria. You are now, at the very least, 32 years old. Mightn't it be time for a cougar comeback?

· JM Productions (jerkoffzone.com)
· Buy "Big Titted First Timers 7" (gamelink.com)

Popshots of the Week!

Gram Ponante — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 17:00:59 EDT

Pornish things happened all across California this week and I bore witness to them, from exhibitionists in cow palaces to rabbit holes to Porn's version of the bloodsucking bayou. We start with Noname Jane onstage in San Francisco.

Jane was just about to squirt chocolate on herself, at which point my camera was jostled by ravening lesbians who proceeded to lick it off her.

The event was the Exotic Erotic Ball, a hit or miss affair with heart and soul and plenty of local color. Like this protester's sign, however, the Ball tried to cater to as diverse a group as possible but didn't have its act together. Still, the friendliness of the crowd inside was a very welcome and opposite counterpoint to the real hatred of this group of protesters.

Down south, delightful pixie Aiden Starr auditions for Erica McLean and Carlos Batts' upcoming "Alice in Wonderland" porn adaptation (which will be at least the third this year and, if she gets the role, Starr's second foray through the looking glass).

April Flores, of course, plays the Red Queen. I think that will be awesome.

Across Porn Valley, Ashlynn Brooke plays Sookie in New Sensations' adaptation of "True Blood," scripted by Brooke herself. She is so unbelievably pretty I forgot her clothes were on.

The chameleonic Misty Stone plays Tara (she just found out Lafayette was dead) and Evan Stone plays Evan Stone playing a guy from the show. In the background we see Ralph Long, pulling double duty as a boom operator (we last saw Long as Screech in "This Ain't Saved by the Bell" as well as in "The Sex Files").

Finally we managed to get inside, to Silverlake's Bigfoot Lodge (this reporter's local bar), where at 10 in the morning Misty Stone inspired more wood within the woody surroundings.

"Ejacula 2" The Future

Gram Ponante — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 11:30:01 EDT

In 1993 the world met "Ejacula," a vampiress who, probably because she was immortal, missed the memo that Duran Duran fashions had expired several years earlier. But we also met Tonisha Mills. Two years later the whole "Ejacula" gang returned.

"Ejacula 2" is just as inscrutable as the first, but damn did porn have money back then. Shot in Europe with an all-star cast including the young Rocco Siffredi and the even-then-only-allowed-to-work-with-his-shirt-on Ron Jeremy, "Ejacula 2" follows the uneven acting of several careless guests, a couple of vampire hunters, Lynn LeMay, and a coven of vampires on one wild weekend featuring, as the boxcover says, "an outdoor BJ" and "ass eating."

This movie symbolizes porn excess in that no one cared if the acting or story or camera work was good as long as the women became naked. Since the women do (in a 14-person orgy scene, no less), to find fault with what is now a cultural artifact seems like elder abuse.

Tonisha Mills and Lynn LeMay look lovely as always, and Ron Jeremy overacts to perfection.

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"Vampiress": Waiting To Impale

Gram Ponante — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 11:30:01 EDT

We try to steer you right here at Fleshbot, even when our judgment is momentarily clouded by personal friendships, advertising dollars, or cocaine. That is why we'll tell you that "Vampiress" is a horrible movie but it has its charms.

Ava Rose and girlfriends go on a birthday adventure to Raven Castle, whispered to have been the home of a legendary vampiress. In flashbacks, we see dark, lush beauty Audrey Bitoni working her evil. Back in the present day, however, the party girls are having visions and finding clues hinting at the castle's bloodthirsty former inhabitants.

The reason "Vampiress" is worth watching is because the sex is candlelit and bodice-rippy, performed by dusky hippy beauties like Rose, Bitoni, Gianna Lynn, Raveness, and Amber Rayne (with the blonde Alexis Texas thrown in as a ringer).

But it is almost Eon McKai-level bad with mind-numbing dialogue and cougar vampire Raveness (from 1472, no less), bouncing between bad period dialogue and lines like "Work that fuckin' pussy, baby." The nail in the coffin is when we get to hear director Marcus London's stage directions ("Ava, turn your head this way"). In a way, "Vampiress" is comforting in that porn can still look the way people who've never seen porn think it does, based on everything they've heard.

Sadly, I did not see the boom mic.

I have had this movie on my To Do list since last year's Halloween Week collection, and am surprised it is still available for purchase. Like a vampiress, "Vampiress" should only be seen at night.

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