"Pissed Off Japanese Bitches" is a title we've covered before (even printing our first foreign-language headline) but today we've actually seen the movie and have a gallery to prove it.

It's important to remember that the envelope of traditional Japanese sexuality vis a vis porn can only be stretched so much before horrible snap-back occurs, so we'll have you know that each of these Japanese bitches submits to our collective will at the end and becomes gloriously, doughily naked. We wouldn't want the world to spin off its axis.

Still, once the Japanese Bitches have been subdued and banished to the sea, what will keep them from returning?

· Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
· Buy "Pissed Off Japanese Bitches" (gamelink.com)

"So you fuck it?"

We have been eager to show you this title but we keep getting waylaid, as if by "Pirates". A niche that (mostly) finds clothed women giving handjobs to naked men, this example of CFNM involves the likes of Abbey Brooks, Sophie Dee, Heather Gables, and Kylee Reese, among others, in configurations such as Jailer/Jailed, Pie Fucker/Gaggle, and Comatose Man/Nurses.

Not an inch of the five separate parts of the female anatomy commonly seen in porn is exposed in "Attack of the C.F.N.M.," and that may be disappointing to some viewers. But as Thomas Jefferson said, "I may not agree with your choice to not show Abbey Brooks' boobies, but I will fight to the death for your right to not compromise a porn niche sacred to maybe two dozen Americans."

While humiliation is a factor in some of these scenarios, at least the fellows enjoy some release at the end of their ordeal. Such as this guy, who probably hasn't seen too many good times since the royalty checks for "Two Princes" stopped coming.

· Pink Visual (pinkvisual.com)
· Buy "Attack of the CFNM" (gamelink.com)

This cobbled-together series of scenes that debuted on the Internet provides several examples of the Capture And Release school of porn filmmaking, in which a crew pretends to search Porn Valley strip malls for likely women who are then cajoled into returning with said crew to a film studio under false pretenses. (It's not kidnaping and rape because James Deen is such a smooth talker.)

In the first scene Deen looks by comparison like an elder statesman next to emo kid Daniel, who actually answers his cell phone, dismounting a woman named Victoeria, during their scene. Kids these days.

It might be a revelation to the people who have just discovered this style of porn that each participant has signed a series of documents proving his or her age and identity before a camera is activated. But the acting is so compelling that even jaded reviewers like me can be drawn in. "Is this really happening?" we'll cry.

"Desperate MILFs & Housewives" features Holly Halston getting serviced in a van. Halston reminds me of an especially boobulous Cheryl Hines. She and her scene partner, Tony, were unable to curb their enthusiasm. In fact, he curbed all over her face.

The reason I picked this movie was the boxcover. Vanessa looks like Mary Louise Parker and, with Halston also on board, this movie is a great complement to that free weekend of Showtime and HBO we got last month at Fleshbot West.

· Pink Visual (pinkvisual.com)
· Buy "Desperate MILFs & Housewives 5" (gamelink.com)

See how Rocco Siffredi upends our sensibilities after the gap. (Just don't mention the title to PETA.)

. . .

The opening of European star Rocco Siffredi's "Animal Trainer 24" finds an artist painting two mesh-clad models, one adventurous, one overcome with Euro-ennui, as some homunculus emerges from a nearby stream and begins posing with them. If the whole continent hadn't been ruined for me by "The Final Countdown," I'd be on a plane there right now.

Eventually the painter gets in on the action, too, as the narrative demands.

The next scene joins the previous one in dispelling the myth that European porn actresses lack affect. The game Caty says, in English broken just the right way, that she "like to be this way." She is slapped around with a penis as the narrative demands.

In the next scene, an artist colony setting, Siffredi surprises two nymphs spying on one of his muses. "Are you scared?" he says to one of them, holding out a ball gag. "You know what's that." Another man joins in.

"It's too much!" says the muse.

"It's not too much," replies Siffredi.

Siffredi's performers dive into each other like a bowl of spaghetti. They slap, they spit, they fall over themselves to get at each other. While the camera never seems to pan out far enough or stay anywhere long enough to provide the flesh landscapes Americans enjoy, what Rocco's movies do is paint a picture of a place in which everyone and his brother - as well as a sea monster - get in on the action.

· Evil Angel (evilangel.com)
· Buy "Rocco: Animal Trainer 24" (tlavideo.com)

So why are these women sweeties? Could it be that Aliana Love wears glasses? I know from personal experience that I am only kind to people because I have poor eyesight, in hopes that they won't hide my lunch. Maybe that is why Aliana is a Black Sweety.

What about Amile Waters? While she might not have been the sweetest person at this event, Waters does lick her watch. I didn't get it, but who am I, Sweety Pope?

Finally there was Misty Stone who, in addition to saying all the "shit!"s and "fuck!"s you'd expect in a porn movie, liberally peppered her pillowtalk with "Oh My Goodness!" I thought that was sweet.

· Silver Sinema (silversinema.com)
· Buy "Black Sweeties" (gamelink.com)

We can only wish that you, Fleshbot Readers, could know Jenny Hendrix the way we do. That is because her affected porn star vocal fry ("I want to fulfill your innermost fantasies") sounds so different from the way she actually talks. Lucky for you, the movie captures her the way she actually looks, with a little sneer that would make Billy Idol jealous.

Despite the presence of someone else in the scene, Hendrix only has eyes for you, taking great pains (it is apparent) to look at the camera even as things are happening to her that would in anyone else require attention.

"I want to spit on that cock," she says, not even consulting her Day Planner, "and make it nice and wet. And stick it all the way down my throat."

She goes on:

"I want to get it nice and wet," she says. "And spit on it."

Then she tells you what else is on her agenda.

"I want that cock in my pussy," she says, then gets to the point, "I want to get my pussy fucked" (emphasis not added).

· Gazzman (gazzman.com)
· Buy "Fuck Me" (gamelink.com)

That's the first thing out of the mouth of the director of Vivid's "Brand New Faces 10" when he sees Pharyn Sparxxx for the first time. Me, I was like "Holy shit; look at your name tag." Had she been the guy from those old Cheetos commercials, Ms. Sparxxx probably would not have got very far with that name but, as you will see, she'd look good even if her name was Asdjliklvf McNejfhkuedkued.

"Holy crap. Fuck, you're beautiful," director B. Skow demands. "Look at you."

The Honduran Sparxxx appears before us in her first porn scene, and Skow, who when not faced with the likes of phat porn Latinas is always articulate and genteel, makes sure that the mission statement of the series - that no one featured therein has ever appeared in a sex movie before - be maintained.

But unlike other vignettes in this series, in which newbie women are paired with men like Sascha and James Deen, Sparxxx, who prefers women, gets a visit from Rebeca Linares. You see, they speak the same language.

"Can you even understand what I'm saying?" cries Skow at one point.

Could Pharyn Sparxxx be the next Strokahontas? Holy crap. Fuck. Look at us. We don't know.

In that this edition of "Brand New Faces" is the tenth installment in the venerable seven-month-old series, a second disc is included with some of the director's favorite scenes (not included: the treacherous Jean Laconia).

· Vivid (vivid.com)
· Buy "Brand New Faces 10" (gamelink.com)

Director Jim Powers is an auteur who can be trusted to "go there," and here he has compiled bits and pieces of scenes and backstage shenanigans to make up the 16th installment of a series that's got conservative porn producers pissed.

But it's not like Powers tramples fragile sensibilities willy-nilly.

"Don't let the property owners see you," he advises the (now retired) Lana Croft as she squats over a sink.

One would be mistaken to think that performers roll their eyes when Powers asks them to urinate, as if everything else they've done that day is somehow less graphic. In fact, when Chelsea Rae breaks in on Croft, Rae takes the sink next to her.

The disc includes golden outings by Holly Wellin, Sophie Dee, Serrena Marcus, Adrianna DeVille, and Sindee Jennings, whose aim and output is considerable. You may be wondering about the camera glare in Sindee's scene: that is the reflection off a plexiglass screen placed over the camera, which Jennings soaked from 15 feet away. And she isn't in the Olympics why?

Never say Fleshbot is too highbrow for you.

· JM Productions (jerkoffzone.com)
· Buy "Liquid Gold 16" (tlavideo.com)

Scene One features a tuxedoed Ireland playing Master and Servant with Roxy DeVille. At one point Ireland must retrieve something the loss of which can't be explained by gravity.

Only Ireland's penciled-on John Waters moustache distracts from the scene. So I just closed my eyes and thought of Baltimore.

The beauty of this movie is that, even if you feel you would be turned away had you showed up with your testosterone and Manifest Destiny, you would still have the consolation that the women were doing to each other everything you would have. It is as if you wrote your suggestions on little notecards and they were duly considered.

Trinity Post and Amber Rayne leave Kissy Kapri in the dust in the bendy department, and the latter takes her revenge by slapping the hell out of Rayne, who doesn't seem to mind.

Eva Angelina is like Ireland's South of the Border younger sister. I have the impression Ireland didn't have to direct her much in her scene with Sammi Rhodes.

Cruel Aiden Starr opines in the final scene, as a box of toys arrives:

"You know sometimes if their cock is too small you gotta put a butt plug in your ass to feel it?" she asks Jandi Lin and Tricia Oaks.

... and that is the only thing that made me sad. Next time I see a butt plug I won't think, "Ooh: a butt plug." Instead, I'll think, "Someone's parts are small."

· Adam And Eve (adameve.com)
· Kylie Ireland (kylieireland.com)
· Buy "Bitch And Moan 2" (gamelink.com)

Anyway, the allure of Brazil includes its juicy variety of people who will have sex with you, and it's always easy to shop for bathing suits for them because you can tell what their style is from their tan lines.

"Smiles, everyone: Smiles!"

Like I would be, this man wonders why his date is smiling at you instead. But what can she say? Brazil's is a tourist-friendly economy.

You know, I believe this guy's leg hair is even distracting her.

The joy of Brazil is that, even with two men going soft inside them, its porn performers can still flash a winning smile. Would Stormy Daniels put up with that? Hell no. She'd say, "Get hard now or you're going to lose it."

· Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
· Buy "Teen Brazil 3" (gamelink.com)

"Moan where it hurts," suggests Rose to Marco Banderas, grunting in an Iberian delirium. Pinpointing the source of distress, she proceeds to soothe the fuck out of it.

In fact Banderas, who just moments before had been an incoherent and immobile mess, soon regains his strength enough to pay off his hospital fees - with his parts!

"You must be feeling a whole lot better," Rose notes at the end.

"Oh yeah," Banderas says, having learned English in his recovery.

· Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
· Buy "Hello Nurse" (gamelink.com)

After all this time, it would be reasonable to expect that the movie would not follow through on the premise suggested by its title and cover, but Fontana demands the recruits show him IDs ("Don't give me your real names! Give me the names your agents gave you!") and when they drop to give him 20, it is with a dildo.

The movie ended up being a mini-"Gilligan's Island XXX" prequel, as Fontana, Hanah, and Dick Nasty each appear. Earlier, a performer named Miss Kitty was hounded off the set for refusing to service the 53-year-old Nasty. Hanah, the professional, showed the almost-half-her-age recruits how it was done. "Always make sure your hand is wet," she said.

The girls are led through blowjob drills, taught how to pose for still cameras, given pointers on "facial preparation," and told that "there are men and women dying for that flag in order for you to work in pornos." (The latter seems like a generational thing - when performers who remember when porn was illegal are paired with performers who don't, the result can be awkward.)

The movie sticks to its premise all the way through, and as such is often at odds with standard porn formula. This isn't a bad thing, though; it just throws off the pacing if you are, for instance, a chronic masturbator.

· Hustler (hustlerworld.com)
· Buy "Barely Legal Boot Camp" (gamelink.com)

But one thing is chillingly certain: Meggan Malone looks a lot like "Harry Potter"'s Emma Watson. It is uncanny. In the mingled wallpaper/upholstery patterns of the hotel room in which the gangly 19-year-old Malone masturbates for the camera, the viewer comes really close to Apparating.

It is the wallpaper and upholstery, mingling with the olive-complected Malone, that make this solo masturbation sequence seem like Richard Kern suddenly took up oil painting.

So even if you don't get your fill of C.S. Lewis, you'll get a little J.K. Rowling by way of R. Kern.

· Homegrown Video (homegrownvideo.com)
· Buy "The Chronicals of Hornia" (gamelink.com)

Femmes fatales outnumber lipstick lesbians in this movie featuring strap-on action and andro girls (who look like a Smiths-era Morrissey and made this writer confused) as well as, according to the cover, "real orgasms." I can never tell. Me, I take what I can get and appreciate any extra effort.

But in terms of a travelogue, the excellent soundtrack and appealing, occasional outside filming make Paris look like it is crawling with predatory lesbians ... with not one shot of the phallic Eiffel Tower in sight.

· Hysterie Productions (hysterieprod.com)
· Buy "One Night Stand" (fatalemedia.com)

But Nika Noir and Jessica Valentino are not in the desert, really, unless you hold to the belief that Los Angheles is the desert. They writhe and strain in a house apocryphally linked to the Captain and Tennille (apparently the duo once stayed there, or so the story goes, and kept an elephant) overlooking Canoga Park; we see Porn Valley stretched out below them.

Then Mark Wood arrives. One can infer a lot from this photograph - it is as if most of him doesn't want to be there.

We visited this house when we told you about "Insertz. Nothing has changed!

Noir and Valentino kiss each other afterward, I guess for a job well done, but although every other part of their bodies has touched over the preceding 10 minutes, their faces never do.

Ultimately we felt like Mark Wood did.

· Red Light District (clubredlight.com)
· Buy "It Takes Two #6" (gamelink.com)

Harry has just been informed by a workman that his repairs will not be ready in time for his wife to return, so Harry needs to take out his fear and frustration on Harmony.

"I paid for you," he says as Harmony gets uppity. "I can do whatever I want!"

Harmony knows that Harry's wife will beat him soundly when she sees the house is not finished, and the power shifts between Harry and Harmony are characteristic of Greek tragedies, as Harry alternates between sobbing and violence.

At the end of their scene, Harry shrieks, "I paid for you to be my wife!" and crumples to the floor in tears. We know Harmony will come back, and we wonder if Harry is secretly happy the contractors were so lazy. Maybe he even sabotaged the work.

We wonder: do we sometimes need to make the tears come in order to feel the relief only the shedding of tears can provide?

So let this be a lesson to you: whenever you get a hooker, make sure he or she is the kind with a heart of gold.

· JM Productions (jerkoffzone.com)







· Buy "Tough Love 14" (jerkoffzone.com)

"They're ginormous," Flame continues. "No wonder you guys like me."

The format allows for the performer to carry on a monologue in a bathroom.

"...Or why I like myself.

"...Having big boobs has nothing to do with why I like myself.

"...That's sexy talk, Penny Flame."

Flame and other performers, including Alexa Jordan, Missy Stone, Jean Jacobs (nee Laconia), and Scarlett Fay treat the viewer to an intimate view of how they look at themselves (albeit under the watchful eye of a porn director), and the result is a different, less frantic kind of porn movie.

· Greedy Video (greedyvideo.com)







· Buy "I Film Myself 7" (gamelink.com)

There's something both oldschool Porn and late-nite cable in Hart's introductions (written by Naz and Ashley Blue), such as that of Sasha Grey ("No one has been able to tame her!"). But where a Skinemax movie would then trot out Nikki Fritz and a softcore rubdown would ensue, by the end of this scene Sasha Grey literally has clothespins coming out of her ass—and she's happy about it.

This five-scene vignette movie filmed for Spain's Private studio has all the trappings of a standard porn BDSM movie — police interrogation, doctor's office ("The doctor is in!"), the humbling of high-status figures - but it is the obvious delight of people like Grey, Audrey Hollander, and Michelle Avanti, along with the delicious hamminess of Hart and Naz' strictly professional crush on his performers, that make this movie special.

· Private (private.com)
· Dave Naz (davenaz.com)
· Buy "House of Sex & Domination" (gamelink.com)

Is Kaylani Lei dead? The movie begins in a gauzy, brightly-lit room where she cavorts with a man in white underpants. According to the Porn Valley Book of the Dead, this and her four-inch white stilletos point to the Afterlife. But something is wrong; the apparition she's with appears to be Nick Manning in all that oversaturation, but it's not. Is she in Heaven or in Hell? We can't tell. Also, because the room is so white, we can't tell if a load has been dropped.

But wait. It's all a dream! Sandy (Lei) was only dreaming. It's Monday morning; she's not making love to an angel, she's a lonely working girl with a dog, and she's late for her carpool.

The car ride to the office is filled with the type of banter acting that reminds one of locally produced AM radio commercials. It's comforting. It says that, no matter how expensive the camera package and editing rig, that porn directors know the real reason people watch porn is for the sex.

It seems the office is going to undergo a round of layoffs, say the carpoolers. But, just as the movie opened with a more or less gratuitous sex scene (and I'm not saying there is anything bad about gratuitous sex in a porn movie), we now have the opportunity, through the porn-narrative techniques of exposition and flashback, to review each passenger's weekend sexcapades.

In the slow drive around the neighborhood, nerdy Jimmy recounts how he bedded a stripper in Vegas after a winning night at the blackjack table. He must've won big, because Hooker didn't make him wear a condom! Outside his casino-comped room, neon lights flash. Production design! Then the stripper's luchador husband arrives.

Then it's middle-aged Bob (Herschel Savage)'s turn. He and his wife get ready for a night of role-playing by talking about the APR on their leased vehicles. Wicked's couples'-friendly credo is this: See? Dom/sub couples are just like you.

"Next week, we're going to try something called erotic asphyxiation," Bob says.

Around this time I was waiting for the weekend adventures of the driver of the carpool, Sue. "I bet those glasses are just a beard for her sexual hellcattery," I said.

But Kaylani is the contract girl, so she gets her second sex scene first. She has a threesome with her friend and the pizza guy. The pizza guy. Never accuse Wicked of discarding history.

We finally get to Sue, who shocks our sensibilities by being a dirty little biker whore. With Brian Surewood unavailable, the role of lead biker went to an unshaven Evan Stone. While Sue's acting in the car was frankly abysmal, at the biker bar she acts with her eyes. Brilliant!

Four attractive people stuck in traffic talk about sex. Is there anything better suited to late-night cable? "Carpool" may be formulaic, but it's friendly, non-threatening, and fun. As the gang breaks up at the office parking lot there is a tidy wrap-up. With gas prices so high, I see room for a slew of inexpensive sequels.

Review by Gram Ponante

Carpool

Studio: Wicked
Director: Jonathan Morgan
Cast: Kaylani Lei, Kylie Wilde, Nicole Sheridan, Nikki Rhodes, Renae Cruz, Marcus London, Evan Stone, Alex Sanders, Dane Cross, Herschel Savage, Niko

· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)
· Buy "Carpool" (gamelink.com)

Director Laurent Sky puts together four scenarios of rouged but ready 40's-era pinups in a good example of high concept porn that does not get in its own way.

· ClubJenna (clubjenna.com)
· Buy "Pinup Perversions with Roxy Jezel" (gamelink.com)

"When I measured you last week," says Van Damage to comely Emma Cummings, "you weren't so womanly." If you were they, wouldn't you be compelled to fuck after such an exchange?

The blur is what happens when bodies start slappin'. You can't control it. Not even with a Blu-Ray player. Here, Derrick Pierce helps Brooke Scott with body image issues.

At no point in the movie, other than in the title and in the sound effects, is the idea of "babies" considered; the theme of the movie is more one of fat as a result of indolence rather than youth. Lee Stone chastises Jersey (no relation) Cummings over her slovenly workout habits, for example. Then Stone does that thing where he flips her upside down so she can blow him (see gallery). So she can't be that heavy.

Another possible title for this movie would be "Abby Winters-cum-Cocks-sans-Didgeridoos," but that wouldn't fit on the DVD.

· Hustler (hustlerworld.com)
· Buy "Barely Legal Baby Fat" (gamelink.com)

Our only request of Wicked in its quest to be the undisputed top couples-friendly porn company: turn on the lights and wipe the Vaseline off the lens; we won't be scandalized if you turn the fluorescents on.

And Wicked features tend to have happy endings in more ways than one, which we appreciate.

· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)
· Buy "Love for the First Time" (gamelink.com)

The staff of this website is divided over staged reality shows; their campiness and bitchery enthrall some and repel others. Me, I found Playboy's softcore approach lacking in payoff for both the titillation and the drama. If only the Spice Channel had teamed up with Bravo...

Male model DeAngelo, construction worker Brandon, sullen mope Maria, and dancer of indeterminate venue Danielle get together in a rental home for a day and evening of sexifying activities like sexy winemaking and sexy photography, each of which is vaguely stimulating.

But tension grows as Brandon is at first judged a jerk by the group and then manages to bag his Lois Lane, leaving the smoother DeAngelo and the pouty Maria loveless and forlorn.

· Playboy (playboytv.com)

In five scenes taken from the website of the same name, Pink Visual's "Housewife Bangers" is 80 percent revenge and 20 percent consensual in its depictions of men fucking the wives of their acquaintances. A scene involving Cherrie and what looks to be Sinbad's brother is the only liaison borne of a comfortable 70's-era groovy wife-sharing vibe.

Everything else, from a loanshark collection scheme to a chilling "Let me fuck your wife or I'll beat the shit out of you!" will appeal to the cuckold fan base as well as the consumer who's into rape by blackmail.

It's important to point out that the women in these scenes appear to be willing to go through the act, even if they are angry at their husbands (or, in Monika Dupree's case, excited) to do it.

· Pink Visual (pinkvisual.com)
· Buy "Housewife Bangers 10" (gamelink.com)

Even the dialogue was hauntingly familiar.

"My pussy got a little sore," said Calogera on performing in the sex-with-creepy-strangers series "Midnight Prowl," "but it was OK."

How different is that from what Stiles must have said of her role in the remake of "The Omen," merely substituting "Working with Liev Schrieber was a little weird" for "My pussy got a little sore"?

"Do you like to lick asshole?" Calogera is asked in "Prowl."

"No," the 21-year-old says. (Didn't Julia Stiles say No in "10 Things I Hate About You"?)

It is hard to articulate our disappointment that Julia Stiles is not, in fact, doing porn. But we will let the Midnight Prowl website say it for us.

and when I say dirty, What I really mean is having random dudes cum on you like your were a human cum recepticle.

That said, we hope Calogera considers teaming up with Gianna the same way Stiles did with Sean Patrick Thomas.

· Midnight Prowl (midnightprowl.com)
· Julia Stiles on IMDb (imdb.com)

Maybe you don't care to know this, but people with glasses tend to take them off before sex, lest they be fucked off. Not only do most of the Eurohotties in this picture appear to be sharing the same pair of glasses (which leads to disease) but they also keep them on all the way through The Act.

Don't get me wrong, I would think that glasses would make a tempting target (and in this movie they are), but I am a gentleman of the old school, where suggestion is very erotic. For me, the taking off of the glasses means that it's OK to come in her eye.

The title seems kind of clunky. My suggestion would be "Eyedrop a Load." But there are too many talented people suggesting porn titles for me to get in that business.

Finally, with most of the women peering over their glasses to get a gander of the viewer, I am unhappy to admit that it looks like these ladies don't need glasses at all.

· Legal Pink (metrointeractive.com)
·Watch "Lovely Four Eyes for You Horny Guys 2" now at AdultRental.com
· Buy "Lovely Four Eyes for You Horny Guys 2" (gamelink.com)

We told you recently that Tommy Gunn, who directed this movie, likes building things. Here Naudia Nyce is serviced by a woman named Sophia with some Gunn-modified pneumatic tools.

What happened to Sophia? No idea. But lost in current pornography is the scene where women take off their jumpsuits and have nothing on underneath. Jumpsuits. No one wears jumpsuits anymore.

That's Rita Faltoyano working on Shy Love. And Shy Love has indeed had some work done since 2005. No judgment implied - we like all building projects.

· Assassin Pictures (assassinpictures.com)
· Buy "Strapon-Toyz" (gamelink.com)

Vivid's "Brand New Faces" series prides itself on finding people who are absolutely porn virgins, and director B. Skow several times asks Laconia if she is, in fact, brand new.

"This is the first time your pussy has been seen on camera?" he asks (she had just returned from Las Vegas where she shot this, and in Long Island the year before had shot this).

"Yes," she said.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm not!"

In a pre-scene interview, Laconia demonstrates several devastating money retrieval techniques she employs as a stripper, all of which involve subterfuge and cunning ("I tell them they can take my bra off and it usually takes them three or four songs to do it")

But unless Laconia actually tries to steal our busfare and drink our milkshake, she can get away with anything she wants.

· Vivid (vivid.com)
· Buy "Brand New Faces 7" (gamelink.com)/a>

"The Perfectionist 2" has something to do with languid and thin European women and spies and the Mafia. Then we meet Anneta. Why she is in an empty kitchen we don't know. Why the only food in an otherwise empty kitchen is a zucchini we don't know. So we made something up.

"I regard this zucchini with the same icy indifference with which I regard my men."

"I lick this zucchini with the same icy indifference with which I lick my men."

"I'm a French maid!"

"You'll do. Oh yes: you'll do. What was that line from 'Babe'? 'That'll do, Pig. That'll do.' Ha ha ha. 'A pig who thinks he's a dog.' This is a zucchini who thinks it's a cock."

"You're never fully dressed without a smile!"

"My friend gave me only one bottle (of PermaSoft), and now it's gone. Please, send me more Permasoft."

· Woodman Entertainment (wood-ent.com)
· Buy "The Perfectionist 2" (adultdvdempire.com)

You might remember the last two What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? entries featured a cock-drape. What Devine is getting on this cover is a cock-poke—or, some scholars argue, a cock-shelving. Either way, it's not a drape, so don't call your local drape hotline.

The guy from Peter, Paul & Mary beseeches Ava Devine for some nut-busting (I didn't say this - he did). It is the only time in recent memory in which we hear actual wheedling. The acting required in this scene is tremendous, in that Devine never needs to be wheedled.

The one reservation we have with this movie is that there are no Asians in it. You don't put a -zilla on something and exclude the Asians. Hasn't Jonathan Pryce's casting in "Miss Saigon" taught us anything?

Still don't know why Adrianna Nicole gets cast in MILF roles. Maybe it's her alto range, or her Billy Idol sneer.

Mae Victoria looks a bit like a wayward mid-90's Sherilyn Fenn. If "Of Mice And Men" were ever made into a porn movie, we'd cast her.

This is a delightful movie, sure to inspire sequels. But rather than going the sequential numbers route, I strongly suggest "MILFzooky" or "Terror of MechaMILFzilla."

· Hustler (hustlerworld.com)
· Buy "MILFZILLA" (hustlervideo.com)

Two teams of four get a limo and $100 each to complete an identical series of optional or mandatory tasks. each weighted for difficulty and chutzpah. All involve either interaction with the public or public displays of hardcore action set against a Pacific Northwest backdrop albeit with no distracting cameos by former members of Soundgarden.

Some of the stunts, like flushing their hands in a public toilet and eating fish eyes, are characteristic of Shane's World's devotion to its reality-style "Real World" roots. And when former Vivid girl Cassidey and Kacey Jordan convince a local to let them shave his balls and then give him the full porn star treatment, it really is a millennial Horatio Alger story.

"My day couldn't get any better," he says.

"You sure you don't just wanna fuck us?" Cassidey (who, up until this moment in the movie, hasn't appeared as enthusiastic as everyone else) asks. "We have condoms."

"If you do us both," Jordan adds, "that's 2,000 extra points."

Following two nights of partying with local bikers (one of whom was particularly lucky), one team squeaked out a narrow victory.

Similar to JM Productions' "American Bukkake" movies, these Shane's World ventures into the general population provide a snapshot of the porn-buying public, and sometimes it's a little scary, like a high school party you think might go wrong and you have no ride home.

But people should be so lucky to have women like Gianna, Cassidey, and Delilah Strong in high school.

· Shane's World (shanesworld.com)
· Buy "Shane's World #40 - Scavenger Hunt #4 - Seattle" (gamelink.com)

Forget for a moment that, if Belladonna had actually been your college roommate, you would have found some way to stay in school and not work in your family's quarry. Forget, too, that the idea of Belladonna trying to convince us that, just by putting her hair in pigtails she is a virgin, is absurd. Instead, try to imagine yourself as the amiable Daniel as Belladonna and Texas descend on you for your blowjob advice ("It's a process," he says).

Belladonna and Texas make a stackable IKEA-like structure of themselves within minutes, causing the viewer to wonder if they haven't, in fact, done this before.

Nina Hartley narrates much of this movie as an older Texas, much like Jeanne Moreau in "The Lover" but with fewer Chinese. Here we recollect Texas' taking by "two hot studs."

Then Bella and Alexis suit up to expose themselves piece by piece. I imagine this is how the Sleestaks will look in the "Land of the Lost" remake.

Steve Holmes, whom last we saw being happily smothered by two large ladies, is surprised at the Universal City Metro Station by an admirer. Excellent guerilla filmmaking here.

Finally, we meet Hartley as the grown-up Texas. "I love myself," she says, "and everybody better goddamn love me."

While we would let Belladonna (and Nina Hartley) get away with anything, seeing Hartley at the end calls into question the modern subway and the moon suits of previous scenes. What has happened to Time?

· Belladonna (enterbelladonna.com)
· Watch "Discovering Alexis Texas" now at AdultRental.com
· Buy "Discovering Alexis Texas" (gamelink.com)

Missy Stone is busy pleasuring herself on her velveteen bedspread, representative of the one toy rabbit she brought from home, her one connection to childhood. Professor Marco Banderas walks in and catches the grey-eyed beauty with her sensible loafers up on the bed.

What makes her a student and him a professor? The outfits, of course, and the title of the movie. Nothing else is spelled out. College is all about interpreting context.

At no point is the sullying of the teacher/student relationship addressed, but Stone does shoot Banderas an icy look; could it be that he let his teaching assistant grade her paper unfairly, or could it be because her name isn't Fiona and never will be?

· New Sensations (newsensations.com)
· Buy "Naughty College School Girls 47" (gamelink.com)

But Mz. Buttaworth is holding out; the first obvious thing is off limits.

"I don't like being spanked," she said. "I like being fucked hard." Joined by 238-lb. Victoria and the randy Euro porn veteran Steve Holmes, who giddily commands them to make a sandwich of his face, Buttaworth is a National Treasure.

Part of Victoria's job is to act as an ass-handler, a job she performs with a flourish of her elegant manicure.

The gently undulating flesh reminds this transfixed observer of the sentient planet of Solaris.

I guess the real winner is Steve Holmes, who has never looked happier.

· Red Light District (clubredlight.com)
· Buy "Heavy Loads" (gamelink.com)

More caps from Abby WInters' new "Girls Get Hot" DVD after the jump.

The lack of french tips made it clear that these women really care for each other.

At the end of it all, Fotina needs a little reassurance that love endures, and that the mining companies won't win.

· Abby Winters (abbywinters.com)
· Buy "Girls Get Hot" (gamelink.com)

See more snaps after the gap.

. . .

Andy (Randy Spears) is dead. Beckoned by the angelic Kaylani Lei through a freestanding door in the middle of the desert, he finds himself in a screening room playing some of his life's greatest hits. But unlike Hollywood fare like "Defending Your Life" or "It's A Wonderful Life," porn gets to deal with the heavenly flashback trope by letting our hero view his conception.

How different would my life be if mom was Hollie Stevens?

Then we fast-forward about 40 years (though it's only supposed to be 20) and watch a mop-topped Haight-Ashbury Andy thanking Kendall Brooks for his birthday mandolin. Unfortunately, Kendall too eagerly subscribes to that era's will to free love. Poor Andy cradles his mandolin while sitar music plays.

Does he lose her because he couldn't stand her free-spiritedness? Did he later lose his wife (Brooke Banner) because he was an insensitive lover?

"It's not a judgment," Kaylani says. "It's a review."

Well, it really was a judgment, but no one said angels weren't passive-aggressive. Andy discovers that he must learn one thing in this netherworld way station before he is sent back, and Kaylani is just the person to teach it to him.

Like last year's "Pleasure Principle", this Wicked picture is ideal for couples, if just a little preachy to the converted.

· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)
· Buy "Rise" (gamelink.com)

Don't Stand So Close to Us after the gap.

. . .

Whitney Stevens taps out text messages on her iPhone in detention, covering up her sass with a book.

"Is that book funny?" her teacher asks.

"It's a laugh riot," she says.

When he tries to confiscate her phone, well, you can guess what happens. This is the first coupling of a movie that scene by scene redefines "geezers" from the bathrobe-clad, lawn-protecting curmudgeons of our youth until they become younger than us. (Almost. We're 23.)

"Nice fucking tits," our Mr. Chips says, and doesn't even bother locking the door before he begins manhandling them. That's what you get when you send your kid to L.A. Unified.

Then, party girls Kissy Kapri and Jaelyn Fox are disciplined by their jailer, who has kindly let them share a cell and keep their potentially-deadly boots. (That's what you get when you send your kid to L.A. Unified.) So far, we can believe these insolent tartlets would refer to these 50-ish men as "geezers." But then:

41-year-old Alex Sanders is a cat burglar who surprises Kylee Reese. See where we're going here? Who's next? James Deen?

Nope, it's Evan Stone, who'll be 44 in July. 44. In what goddamn world does that make him an old geezer? Maybe if he said to his partner, Dakoda Brooks, "What kind of name is 'Dakoda'"" But he didn't.

Finally comes Steven St. Croix, whose 40th birthday was Sunday, and Renae Cruz.

A blind survey around the offices of Fleshbot West determined that a geezer was a man in his 60s. Maybe we don't want to see that guy having sex, and maybe "Early Middle-Age, Young Teasers" doesn't sound right, but Hell, if it keeps the ACLU from boycotting your porn...

· Fusxion (fusxion.com)
· Buy "Old Geezers, Young Teasers 2" (gamelink.com)

We follow Mistress Demore through several scenes of her "Elbow Bound Bitches" after the gap.

. . .

Even though this was supposed to be about Demore turning the tables on "Smokin'" Mary Jane and getting the latter's elbows bound, I just kept looking at their legs. Am I sick?

Madison Young looks so good being tied up that my initial reaction whenever seeing her outside a porn movie is to wrap her in electrical tape. That's probably not right.

Here Jewell Marceau amiably submits to a whupping on a hotel room bed. If I had this opportunity every time the Hilton's Internet went out, I'd travel more.

· Natali Demore (bondageorgasms.com)
· Buy "Elbow Bound Bitches" (adultdvdempire.com)

But she didn't. Still, Oh My God. If I had seen this movie when I was 14, I never would have joined the Tamil Tigers!

Putting it delicately in that unnecessary way we've had to become used to, this movie "skews older". The large-breasted women herein (save for Eden and Daphne Rosen) all have a traveled look about them that I have always associated with stripper ads in the back of my hometown paper. Had I met Ava Devine and Anna Nova at that time, I think I would have run away. (I would have come back eventually.)

We know porn is fake because this guy didn't notice Echo Valley getting the morning coffee. Either that or producers greenscreened out his iron lung.

I think I dreamed of this scene when I was ten. Who can I sue?

Here is Daphne Rosen and the iconic Dirty Harry.

"They're almost as big as your head," she says.
"Nothing's bigger than my head," he parries.
"The things you say," she says.

Why isn't Daphne Rosen right here now?

Carmella Bing and Dakota King. Had I been the cameraman I would have passed out.

· Sin City (sincity.com)
· Buy "Tittanic" (gamelink.com)